Page 5 | AIBU 16yo DSD leaving freezer open

TheWonderhorse · 28/10/2025 07:19

I have a forgetful DS who's almost 16, he's a good human, and is as upset by his mistakes as I am, so I don't punish. I ask him to help think of a solution that might work for him. Often the conversation is enough to deepen the attention to the task at hand for the future.

Be nice, and supportive, because she's a good kid, and ask her what she thinks might help. I don't like to punish things that aren't intentional, it won't help, you need strategies.

ForTipsyFinch · 28/10/2025 07:21

My 8 year old manages to shut it when she gets ice lollies - can’t imagine why it’s causing an issue for a near adult person.

RessicaJabbit · 28/10/2025 07:23

I can't understand how everything defrosts completely overnight... And why you have to then throw it all away instead just refreezing or cooking it and refreezing it...

Shedmistress · 28/10/2025 07:23

soupyspoon · 27/10/2025 21:04

Is OP meant to follow her round the house checking what drawers, cupboards, fridge and freezer she has opened, thats impossible to police

Although OP I wouldnt chuck stuff out of a freezer if the food has been kept in there overnight, you dont need to do that. Ice cream perhaps yes.

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If she knows it is an issue then her or her husband could check before going to bed, yes.

Sunnydays60 · 28/10/2025 07:27

It makes me really sad to read the majority of these responses and I sincerely hope she never ends up reading this. I'm glad that the people in my life haven't used my forgetfulness to write me off as lazy and vindictive.

I'm glad that a large number of people have suggested alarms and catches. I think this would definitely be the way to go - figure out together how to mitigate the results of the forgetfulness. You can definitely tell her it has been happening and it has caused a problem/costs to be incurred. Lots of people saying to discipline so she learns skills for later in life (saying that without discipline she will somehow end up a scourge of society, poisoning people and being the cause of multiple RTAs) but to learn how to recognise when she has a significant problem and to be proactive about coming up with solutions to fix it is a valuable skill in itself. If she can't just simply tell her brain to work a different way (and it can be very distressing to keep making the same mistake when you desperately don't want to), she needs to be responsible to find the work around and a caring adult to set her on that track would be worth way more than one that just writes her off as a hopeless case.

OP (who actually knows her) knows she is not doing it on purpose, has said as much, and has described her personality. These people who have instantly jumped to a "home wrecker" conclusion quite frankly make me feel sick.

I think you need to ask yourself whether you want to solve the problem. I feel like having a stern word and setting consequences might reduce occasions but not stop it all together (and probably make her reluctant to stay with you). Have a word with your husband - is it possible he's resistant to sanctions rather than sorting the problem. I bet he'd be more on board with a proactive approach rather than flat out negativity so then maybe he gets to actually do something about it with her and everyone is a winner.

Lilactimes · 28/10/2025 07:29

LAMPS1 · 28/10/2025 06:19

You are both unwilling to help this young woman learn how to preserve food safely because you might upset her ?
That’s ridiculous. You are doing her a disservice.

it’s isn’t mean to guide your DSD into good housekeeping habits. It’s wise. And it’s your home.
She just isn’t getting the hang of shutting the door properly because neither of you have driven home how tricky the door can be and how careless she can be.

You don’t need to buy alarms and catches, you just need to be firm and take charge. Be confident about it.

Take her to the freezer. Say ….DSD do you mind if I show you one final time how to close this freezer door and also, how not to close it. It’s important you get it right now because I have had to throw a large amount of food away several times and so far the total cost of that is £xxx. We can’t afford to have that happen ever again simply becasue you haven’t learned how to close the freezer door properly. I know it’s tricky and that’s not your fault but the more food we have to replace the further away a new freezer becomes. So you now have to take full responsibility for doing it properly…like this, and never again neglecting to ensure the food remains safe and fully frozen by being careless and thoughtless instead of mindful of what I’m saying and of what you are doing.
Then let her try. Then show her how it bounces back if it’s slammed and have her practise a few times until she gets it right. Impress on her, in an exaggerated way, how important it is. You will be doing her a favour.

It might be an uncomfortable conversation for five minutes but it can easily be done without being mean. She has to toughen up a bit and realise her accountability. Help her out with that. She’s not a child. But actually even a child could be expected to navigate a tricky freezer door. It’s not ideal but it is what it is and the household has to adapt to deal with such problems.

She just needs a bit of firm guidance and a light telling off before it happens again.
It’s entirely normal to raise your expectations of her.

Her father sounds useless by the way. If he can’t guide her on this little problem, then heaven help her if she ever needs serious guidance eg learning to drive.

This is absolutely the way to deal with the situation IMO @Reluctantstepmumof2

You don’t have to be mean at all just take her there, show her, explain the consequences to the family and environment of her not doing it (electricity waste, more food in landfill, unnecessary expensiture, future flat mates being pissed off). Check she really knows how to close it and ask her if there’s any other strategies that could help her remember - alarm/ note on door.

Then next time she does it, ask her to help you sort it out and what needs throwing and how much it costs.

i doubt it will happen too many times after this. And I don’t think you even need to ask your H if you can do this as it’s just a good conversation you’re having with her - especially if it’s done in a helpful way and not with sarcasm or irritation.

Bagwyllydiart · 28/10/2025 07:29

Get a freezer lock, use it and keep the key to yourself.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/10/2025 07:31

She’s 17. Quite capable of making sure freezer is shut properly. Tell her off. And make sure dh does as well

and tell her she will be replacing food herself

is she cooking own food or going there for ice lollies/cream ?

stop buying ice creams etc so no need to go there till she learns

if food for meals put a note on cupboard where plates are saying make sure freezer is shut

my 8yr and even when she was 6/7 can get ice creams etc and knows to make sure door is shut as I’ve told her fo make sure it’s shut

Pinkissmart · 28/10/2025 07:33

What on earth is wrong with a child being told off after repeatedly doing something she shouldn’t do!!!

Just parent her already!!!!

Tinkerbell5578 · 28/10/2025 07:36

Is it connected to fridge?
If ours is over filled it sometimes bounces open when you shut fridge door

GAJLY · 28/10/2025 07:44

Lilyhatesjaz · 27/10/2025 22:15

I would go for natural concequences on this. If meat and fish have defrosted you can refreeze them if you cook them first. Therefore you need to get her and DH who won't talk to her about the freezer batch cooking everything that's defrosted. I bet she won't leave it open again.

Agree with this 👆

Jan039 · 28/10/2025 07:54

I think you need a new freezer with a decent seal.

Howszaboutthat · 28/10/2025 07:57

My youngest son had a habit of leaving the oven or gas hob on when he was in his late teens. So, I did the usual reminders. It didn’t work. What worked was me waiting for him to go back to his bedroom, settle down to the computer…THEN I’d call up to him to get him downstairs to turn off the hob with me stood next to the hob and pointing to it. The inconvenience of the situation made him learn immediately.

My recommendation is for OP to make the situation inconvenient. Wait up for the freezer to be left open, wait for the daughter to settle down in her room, holler up ‘i need you’, then just stand by the freezer pointing at it. She think it’s ridiculous and probably say ‘why didn’t you just close it yourself’.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/10/2025 07:58

I used to do this as a teen, we also had a freezer that you had to close carefully or it wouldn’t catch. I used to get told off for it and had to pay for the food spoilt but it still didn’t stop me from forgetting to shut it carefully the next time, it was frustrating for me but if you’re absent minded it is hard to be mindful. As an adult I was diagnosed with ADHD and I still have a tendency to leave cupboard doors open and have left my own freezer open to spoil more than once as an adult. A door alarm is a good idea.

FeetupTvon · 28/10/2025 08:02

She could have ADHD, or she could just be thoughtless.

elviswhorley · 28/10/2025 08:10

Firstly her father's job is negative interactions. He can't just be a Disney dad. Is he afraid she won't want to visit him any longer if he has even a single negative interaction with her?

This points to him being a really rubbish parent.

Do you guys give her any funds? I would tell my daughter that the replacement food would be deducted from her funds until paid off.

She's about to be an adult, and if she can't function in a household she'll need full-time care in some sort of manned facility.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 28/10/2025 08:15

KmcK87 · 28/10/2025 05:25

They don’t “need” medication for it and you absolutely can punish for things. Asking her to replace the shopping from her own money is absolutely fine whether or not she has ADHD.
From a mum who has an adult son with severe adhd who refused all types of medication years ago, I have punished for things which has pushed him to find strategies that work for him to remember.

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You or your son refused medication?

KmcK87 · 28/10/2025 08:19

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 28/10/2025 08:15

You or your son refused medication?

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My son. He tried 4 different kinds and found the side effects too much.

2ooTired2Care · 28/10/2025 08:19

Reluctantstepmumof2 · 27/10/2025 14:49

DSD almost 17 repeatedly leaves the freezer door open, so all food needs chucking out on a regular basis. I'm at my wits end. DH tries to minimise any negative interactions with her so won't bring it up or anything else negative really. I have mentioned it a couple of times (she says sorry but then immediately does it again) but I don't want to push it and be seen as 'evil stepmother' she is sweet but very forgetful, disorganised and messy. I realise times have changed but when I was young my parents would have told me off for things like this which obv isn't ideal but was very effective as I'm a very careful considerate person now! Any advice on how to deal with this type of behaviour? This is just one of many similar examples...

Blimey, that’d drive anyone round the bend. Sounds like she’s a good kid but a bit of a scatterbrain, bless her. I’d say stick a big note on the freezer door for now, maybe even one of them daft magnets sayin’ “close me, love!” just so she clocks it. Long term, get your DH to step up and have a quiet word instead of you takin’ all the flak, ‘cause you shouldn’t be the one wearin’ the wicked stepmum badge for tryin’ to save the fish fingers, know what I mean?

Offleyhoo · 28/10/2025 08:22

Dad should definitely be raising this with her firmly and explaining very clearly why it's an issue.

This happened to us once, loads of stuff lost, particularly lots of batch cooked meals, which was very upsetting. We bought a child lock which we can all operate eadily but it means you have to consciously unlock & relock it. It's never happened again. Hope it resolved as it's definitely not ok.

Constantcravings · 28/10/2025 08:22

Reluctantstepmumof2 · 27/10/2025 15:35

Thanks all, its usually left open all night and I have to bin all the ice cream meat and fish. Alarm/ catch is a great idea but I guess I'm asking if it's OK to discipline a child for something that's a accident? My partner thinks not but I think if something is repeatedly happening and the child is older then it seems reasonable/ necessary to me. She is a very good kid in general and has a very sweet lovely temperament so I think that makes it harder too...

She is a very good kid in general and has a very sweet lovely temperament

Then don't punish her. Punishment doesn't really work anyway but especially not when she's basically an adult and this seems to not be malicious. Yes, have a word with her and try and figure out a solution together - maybe an alarm or a stretchy thing that closes the door, or asking her what she is going in to get and how can you set up a way for her to remember.

And even maybe gently say that if it happens again you're going to have to ask her for some money to replace the spoiled food. There should definitely be some natural consequences but none of them need to be 'punishment'. If you think it's genuinely an accident then speaking to her harshly is unfair. And probably unlikely to change much, except making her feel shit.

I was that child, I am still that adult. I understand the impact it has on others and I have worked hard to put systems in place to mitigate things like this and they work well most of the time - but it still happens occasionally. If someone were to yell at me or treat me harshly because of it I'd be rightly angry because it's not OK to treat people like that.

rightasrian · 28/10/2025 08:29

discipline a 17 year old? yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvvu.

How about communicating with her? What kind freezer do you have? most modern ones have an alarm if the door is left open?

rightasrian · 28/10/2025 08:31

what I also don't get is, when I defrost my freezer it takes about 24 hours for the food to defrost. Is there no one else at home for long periods of time? How can all the freezer food go off in a few hours?

Leopardspota · 28/10/2025 08:37

My 3 year old would be told off for leaving the fridge open. Not shouted at even sternly spoke to, but I would tell her she must push the door closed etc, it wouldn’t be ignored as an accident or else how will she learn!

Isobel201 · 28/10/2025 08:40

You can re-freeze ice cream, it won't come to any harm. I'd stop freezing essential things like meat and fish until the step daughter starts closing it. Or as suggested above, get an alarm.