AIBU 16yo DSD leaving freezer open

[Reluctantstepmumof2]

DSD almost 17 repeatedly leaves the freezer door open, so all food needs chucking out on a regular basis. I'm at my wits end. DH tries to minimise any negative interactions with her so won't bring it up or anything else negative really. I have mentioned it a couple of times (she says sorry but then immediately does it again) but I don't want to push it and be seen as 'evil stepmother' she is sweet but very forgetful, disorganised and messy. I realise times have changed but when I was young my parents would have told me off for things like this which obv isn't ideal but was very effective as I'm a very careful considerate person now! Any advice on how to deal with this type of behaviour? This is just one of many similar examples...

Her DH sounds bloody useless. What a carry on.

Yes it’s fine to discipline for an accident as it makes the person more alert so that it doesn’t happen again. How else do we learn?

Is OP meant to follow her round the house checking what drawers, cupboards, fridge and freezer she has opened, thats impossible to police

Although OP I wouldnt chuck stuff out of a freezer if the food has been kept in there overnight, you dont need to do that. Ice cream perhaps yes.

You have a choice here OP.

Put up with it or live alone, which is fab.

You can still have the relationship.

What is HE doing to mitigate this shit show??

If she’s a decent kid, with no other issues otherwise, is there something about your freezer that requires extra work/steps to shut properly? Are there shopping bags stuffed to the side that might get in the way? Too full and needs a firm, close shive of the door? Seal not great so just pushing it back/or doing it too hard makes it bounce back?

OH has done this several times , and he’s a grown ass man.

The freezer is a few years old, you need to push the door closed to seal, she always slams it so it bounces open again. It's 100% not on purpose but is definitely careless/ distracted/forgetful. A door catch will probably be a good fix

I would go for natural concequences on this. If meat and fish have defrosted you can refreeze them if you cook them first. Therefore you need to get her and DH who won't talk to her about the freezer batch cooking everything that's defrosted. I bet she won't leave it open again.

explain the inconvenience and expense

She's 17. I imagine she knows that food costs money. (She's in for a nasty shock if/when she goes away to university if she doesn't!)

Your DH needs to understand that someone can do something accidentally and still cause issues and that they can be told off for doing it. Obviously you would apply harsher sanctions if it was deliberate behaviour but you can’t just do nothing.

Is there more to this? Is he worried about damaging his relationship with her or something?

Maybe the one at her mum's is a lighter touch and she hasn't adjusted the force needed at yours yet. Tell, don't ask, DH he needs to talk to her about it. An alarm is good idea.

An accident is doing it once. If she’s doing it repeatedly then she’s being careless; she should have learned after the first time! Of course it’s alright to discipline her for repeat lack of care which costs money.

This! You can’t discipline a young adult like you can a toddler. But yiu can teach them a lesson through reasonable consequences.

Fit an auto close lever

Note on it saying ‘close me properly please!’

Exactly. I don't get why she needs to be going into the freezer when nobody else seems to be around. If she cooking food in the middle of the night?

sounds like ADHD

Once I could understand it being an accident, twice I would be very annoyed but would leave it.

Any more than twice its no longer an accident, she knows by now how to close the freezer properly, she just doesn't care.

Maybe you need a new fridge that seals properly? Or one of those alarms or levers the others have mentioned. Living in 2 households with 2 very different fridges can prevent her from forming habits with tricky doors. My freezer for example seals better if I slam the door. She IS closing the door—not completely her fault it bounces back out. It doesn’t take ADHD to forget to triple-check if the door stays closed in a house she only stays in half the time.

This! If she’s generally really lovely and this is accidental it sounds like the inattentive form of ADHD (used to be called Attention Deficit Disorder). Look it up - I’m betting you’ll find she fits the description. You can’t punish someone for it. They need medication to help their brain work in a more typical way.

OP I could have wrote this myself except mines is my DSS and it’s the front house door he keeps leaving unlocked. Otherwise really nice kid but quite fragile and my DH also reluctant to pull him up because of this. I’ve resorted to making a group chat for the house so I can say “that’s me away, next one out locks the door”.
I would definitely leave a note on it and also gave a word with her yourself.

They don’t “need” medication for it and you absolutely can punish for things. Asking her to replace the shopping from her own money is absolutely fine whether or not she has ADHD.
From a mum who has an adult son with severe adhd who refused all types of medication years ago, I have punished for things which has pushed him to find strategies that work for him to remember.

Did you skip the post where OP said the door doesn’t shut properly unless you adopt a particular technique?

The freezer is a few years old, you need to push the door closed to seal, she always slams it so it bounces open again.

Not everything is ADHD. It’s absolutely wild to suggest that off the information disclosed.

I can see why DH won’t discipline her - it sounds like you need a better seal on your freezer or a new one. Which will quickly be cheaper than continuing to replace defrosted food. You should be able to close the door and walk away, if not, there’s a fault. And I don’t think DSD should be disciplined when it’s your responsibility to fix.

Tell us you hate your stepdaughter without saying you hate your stepdaughter.

Just fit an alarm and stop being so melodramatic. I've left my own freezer slightly open and my fridge sometimes.

Yes dsd needs to take more care and needs some consequences if she keeps doing it. Your dh sounds ridiculously ineffectual if he doesn’t tell her off for anything, it will do her no favours in the long run.
It does like the seal on your freezer needs replacing or it’s overfilled though and I’m still wondering why everything is defrosting if the door just hasn’t caught properly, as freezers tend to create more ice in these conditions, other than ice cream it would take days for most things to defrost.

A punishment for forgetting seems wrong but expressing exasperation is congruent and so is repeatedly reminding her. If she can’t stop doing this, it’s also reasonable to physically stop her using the freezer by locking it so she has to ask you to get things out.