AIBU 16yo DSD leaving freezer open

[Reluctantstepmumof2]

DSD almost 17 repeatedly leaves the freezer door open, so all food needs chucking out on a regular basis. I'm at my wits end. DH tries to minimise any negative interactions with her so won't bring it up or anything else negative really. I have mentioned it a couple of times (she says sorry but then immediately does it again) but I don't want to push it and be seen as 'evil stepmother' she is sweet but very forgetful, disorganised and messy. I realise times have changed but when I was young my parents would have told me off for things like this which obv isn't ideal but was very effective as I'm a very careful considerate person now! Any advice on how to deal with this type of behaviour? This is just one of many similar examples...

I have a slightly similar problem with my DH who has a few memory problems and genuinely intends to switch things off but forgets. In his case it’s completely unfair to be angry with him but I do a lot of reminding and checking. How hard is SD trying to remember- can you ask her this? If you keep talking about it in different ways she might keep it more in mind.

She needs to be responsible for binning and replacing all the wasted food.
Is it needing defrosted though? My freezer struggles to shut properly when it’s time for defrosting it.

An accident is something that happens as a one off.

My DH did this for months when we moved house. In the end I said he needed to clean it out and shop for the new food. He stopped forgetting then

You are both unwilling to help this young woman learn how to preserve food safely because you might upset her ?
That’s ridiculous. You are doing her a disservice.

it’s isn’t mean to guide your DSD into good housekeeping habits. It’s wise. And it’s your home.
She just isn’t getting the hang of shutting the door properly because neither of you have driven home how tricky the door can be and how careless she can be.

You don’t need to buy alarms and catches, you just need to be firm and take charge. Be confident about it.

Take her to the freezer. Say ….DSD do you mind if I show you one final time how to close this freezer door and also, how not to close it. It’s important you get it right now because I have had to throw a large amount of food away several times and so far the total cost of that is £xxx. We can’t afford to have that happen ever again simply becasue you haven’t learned how to close the freezer door properly. I know it’s tricky and that’s not your fault but the more food we have to replace the further away a new freezer becomes. So you now have to take full responsibility for doing it properly…like this, and never again neglecting to ensure the food remains safe and fully frozen by being careless and thoughtless instead of mindful of what I’m saying and of what you are doing.
Then let her try. Then show her how it bounces back if it’s slammed and have her practise a few times until she gets it right. Impress on her, in an exaggerated way, how important it is. You will be doing her a favour.

It might be an uncomfortable conversation for five minutes but it can easily be done without being mean. She has to toughen up a bit and realise her accountability. Help her out with that. She’s not a child. But actually even a child could be expected to navigate a tricky freezer door. It’s not ideal but it is what it is and the household has to adapt to deal with such problems.

She just needs a bit of firm guidance and a light telling off before it happens again.
It’s entirely normal to raise your expectations of her.

Her father sounds useless by the way. If he can’t guide her on this little problem, then heaven help her if she ever needs serious guidance eg learning to drive.

You are both unwilling to help this young woman learn how to preserve food safely because you might upset her ?
That’s ridiculous. You are doing her a disservice.

it’s isn’t mean to guide your DSD into good housekeeping habits. It’s wise. And it’s your home.
She just isn’t getting the hang of shutting the door properly because neither of you have driven home how tricky the door can be and how careless she can be.

You don’t need to buy alarms and catches, you just need to be firm and take charge. Be confident about it.

Take her to the freezer. Say ….DSD do you mind if I show you one final time how to close this freezer door and also, how not to close it. It’s important you get it right now because I have had to throw a large amount of food away several times and so far the total cost of that is £xxx. We can’t afford to have that happen ever again simply becasue you haven’t learned how to close the freezer door properly. I know it’s tricky and that’s not your fault but the more food we have to replace the further away a new freezer becomes. So you now have to take full responsibility for doing it properly…like this, and never again neglecting to ensure the food remains safe and fully frozen by being careless and thoughtless instead of mindful of what I’m saying and of what you are doing.
Then let her try. Then show her how it bounces back if it’s slammed and have her practise a few times until she gets it right. Impress on her, in an exaggerated way, how important it is. You will be doing her a favour.

It might be an uncomfortable conversation for five minutes but it can easily be done without being mean. She has to toughen up a bit and realise her accountability. Help her out with that. She’s not a child. But actually even a child could be expected to navigate a tricky freezer door. It’s not ideal but it is what it is and the household has to adapt to deal with such problems.

She just needs a bit of firm guidance and a light telling off before it happens again.
It’s entirely normal to raise your expectations of her.

Her father sounds useless by the way. If he can’t guide her on this little problem, then heaven help her if she ever needs serious guidance eg learning to drive.

Once is an accident, repeatedly is not. She needs consequences and her father needs to man up. I wouldn't put up with this.
I guess she goes for the ice cream? Stop buying that. Logical consequences.

DH tries to minimise any negative interactions with her so won't bring it up or anything else negative really.

As unusual, your DH is the problem here because he has essentially opted out of parenting her.

Of course you raise the issue and explore strategies but no you don’t punish good kids for accidents. Is your DH more aware that this is who she is? Other than alarms and end of day checks nothing g makes me reliably remember. Car doors, fridge doors, house doors - I leave them all open sporadically despite trying really hard. DH could never do it by accident and if he thought I should be punished I would think him an enormous dick who didn’t like me much.

Why are you binning it? It will be fine when you put back onto freeze?

But you have DH problem really.

of course it is ok to discipline for a mistake
she needs to learn

If she doesn’t live with you and the freezer at home has a better seal and doesn’t need careful handling, I can see why it’s happening and I wouldn’t discipline her either. I’d get a catch so that the freezer door behaves properly.

It’s easy to change a behaviour you do often. Less easy if she’s only at yours occasionally. Change the door.

Another to add to the chorus of it being completely the right thing to do to discipline a child you have parental responsibility for when they are doing something clearly wrong and not learning from the mistake themselves. It's completely normal appropriate parenting. Normally though the things like closing the fridge freezer door after you've been it it is sorted by around 5yr old mark though but if she's behind worth spending the time to catch her up.

Can you imagine if she repeatedly does this when living with flatmates - well I imagine she will stop sharpish because no one else will tolerate their food being ruined, it won't be the polite could you not do that again at the 3rd time of asking.

Has she got additional needs? If she can’t shut it then she can’t use it, you can’t keep wasting food.
You aren’t doing her any favours by just ignoring it. If she goes to uni her flatmates won’t tolerate it.

@Reluctantstepmumof2 twice is careless and there should be consequences e.g She sshouldreplace the food herself.

The freezer has legs. You need to raise the front legs (they usually screw out) so that the door always swings shut. We had to do this with ours as the kids kept leaving the door open.

Not sure how you can forget to close a freezer door. Is it specifically the freezer or are other doors included?

If you went downstairs in the morning and found your partner has left the freezer door open through the night and it was all defrosted you'd obviously mention it and be a bit annoyed but you're right it's not really going to be a punishment - beyond if it's a new relationship your place and your food is expect them to offer to reimburse. You obviously don't discipline a partner in the traditional sense as you would do a child it's completely different - but I'd expect an argument.

But unless there's a learning disability an adult won't regularly do this, they will know to close a freezer door after themselves its just instinct this just wouldn't be a thing. So punishment wouldn't come into it, if it was going on it's be an argument. This is because they were parented. Opting out of parenting isn't in anyone's benefit.

How long does it go unnoticed that everything has to be thrown away?

Get a smallish chest freezer and put her stuff in that, hard to forget to close the lid? Also probably less likely to defrost

I suggest the freezer alarm and altering the feet first. Why? Because my freezer door has been "left open" several times by me. I lt actually seems to close and then swings open slightly. I'm very aware of the cost of food and the time cost of defrosting a freezer. It seems to happen if the freezer is overfull. The seal holds just enough to fool me.

Shes nearly 17. You can't ban her from using the freezer in her own home and I'm not sure that "discipline" is quite the right angle to take.

Obviously she needs to understand how inconvenient it is to others in the household so to me the natural consequences of this behaviour would be that she has to go through and check whats defrosted and needs binning and replace with her own money. This should encourage her to be less scatty, when she can see the outcome of her actions.

The biggest inconvenience us usually that the freezer goes into overdrive and needs defrosting. So maybe this should be her job when it needs doing.

I’m sorry she’s 16 not 6 tell her to stop doing it or she can replace the next lot of food SHE ruins!

Stupid freezer, what's that doing there with a stupid lid that can be left open to spoil food? Crazy!

Stop buying ice-cream , treats, croissants, …. when the only things in the freezer are garden peas and cod, she will stop opening the freezer as there is there is nothing to grab.

Adjust the feet at the front, so that the freezer tilts slightly back and then the door should shut itself. We've always done this