New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

[Brooklans]

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

Completely agree.
There are all sorts of different women out there who all have different preferences about all sorts of different things. There are of course influences in society, but it is certainly not the case that if you were exposed to certain influences and then enjoy or prefer that thing that that means you're just completely brainwashed and lack any agency.

Oh dear 😬

Just your reminder that this is true, no matter how much you wish it wasn't :)

Every ugly, abusive and harassing and pointless comment made to me, I will respond by bumping my own post. You're welcome :)

Loads more articles available and easily found, for the hard of thinking. YW :)

As someone who waxes (or rips my fanny hair out or however you put it) I can honestly say I don’t care about any research. Why would I? I’m happy with the decisions I’ve made about my body.

So yeah, the filmed prostitutes in porn were coerced/forced into having their fanny hairs ripped out so their genitals could be displayed more easily.

And directly as a result of that and the determined pornification of society over decades, ripping the hairs out of your fanny is now an expectation amongst porn heads and has filtered into the mainstream. Although a lot of sensible women are now saying "Nah" to this weird fixation.

And it's fine not to, of course. Decent men won't mind at all.

You do you. There’s no need to be so angry about what other women do with their bodies.

So yeah, if you get the hairs ripped out of your pudenda, you should always be aware that it's almost certainly come about because pornographers forced their filmed prostitutes to do so, so their genitals could be more easily displayed on camera and it's been jammed into the mainstream by pornheads.

So eMpOwErInG 😂😅😆

You’re just talking to yourself at this point…

I remember back in days before the surge of internet porn, how even the porn heads of old were a bit fixated on shaved fannies, hair torn out of fannies etc.

Oh well, at least now you all know that if you tear the hair out of your vulva, it's almost certainly because pornographers made their filmed prostitutes do it so their genitals could be clearly displayed on the camera.

Always good to know the truth :)

‘So their genitals could be clearly displayed on the camera’.

Well that’s definitely one of the positives of waxing…

Why the obsession with other women’s vulvas though?

Yeah, it's amazing actually how much porn has screwed up normal expectations, ripping hair out of the pubes is probably less damaging than a lot of other stuff, but it's all pretty weird.

And yeah, that's why lots of pornheads and people influenced by pornheads think its "normal" to yank the hairs out of your pudenda, or zap them off or whatever, because pornographers wanted to make sure the filmed prostitutes genitals were on the fullest possible display for pornheads.

It's not, actually, about men wanting to rape children - although for some that would certainly be a bonus, making a woman seem more child like, there are some creepy men and manpanderers out there, fosure.

I will say that pubic hair removal waa not standard in the 90s, just the bikini area.
Then porn exploded, and pubes vanished. It's definitely correlated.

I'm glad there's been some pushback over the last few years

Unfortunately, there are a lot more damaging things inflicted on women due to porn - the attempted normalisation of anal rape is just one of them.

The filmed prostitutes in porn have high rates of sexually transmitted infections due to multiple partners and inconsistent condom use, they experience increased substance abuse to cope with the pain and physical injuries and mental health issues they experience and they commonly have prolapsed anuses and vaginal tearing and fissures.

Nothing good for women has ever come out of porn.

Easy to find articles on the subject, these are the names of just a few for starters.

Pathways to Health Risk Exposure in Adult Film Performers

The Occupational Safety and Health of Pornography Performers

Comparison of the Mental Health of Female Adult Film Performers and Other Young Women in California

The experience of individuals filmed for pornography production a history of continuous polyvictimization and ongoing mental health challenges

Mental health and perceived consequences in a clinical sample of women featured in video-based pornography

What do we know about the mental health of porn performers A systematic literature review

Sexually transmitted diseases and other risks in the adult film industry

Pornography actresses an assessment of the damaged goods hypothesis

And again, your point? Or do you just like the misogyny you're posting and enjoying trying to put the OP down?

Luckily, she is too smart to GAS what you are saying.

You don't have to "get it". If it's beyond your capabilities to understand, that's on you, not anyone else or the OP.

I think this is deliberate from you, and incel probably fits.

I was removing mine in the later 90s, as was my sister. Still do. It also went on in the bathouses in ancient Rome and Ancient Greece; it’s nothing new. It is more comfy in the warm weather and practical when it comes to periods, nothing showing from swimwear etc. Hair retains sweat and the smell of sweat.

lt’s not all about the male gaze, some lesbians remove their pubic hair. Over the years some men have asked me to grow it; refused! And an increasing number of men remove hair as well, plus their underarms. Do they also shave their faces to make them look like boys?

At the end of the day it’s personal choice and nothing to do with anyone else. But others, don’t come out of the shower and tell me it’s more feminist to sport a bush, having shaved your legs and underarms, doing the latter helps deodorant adhere better.

To conclude, how does this debate help the lovely OP? ❤️

PS: Due a Hollywood wax at 2:45 today!

That’s posters misogyny frequently leads them to not understand fairly basic points when it comes to men and women dating.

Realistically though, practices in ancient Rome and Greece are hardly likely to have influenced trends over the last two or three decades. And it wasn't a usual style thirty years ago, across all age groups.

I can tell people get a bit defensive about the porn influence, but those of us who retained pubic hair did get quite fed up of endless threads about how dirty and sweaty and unhygienic it is, too. Fortunately that peaked years ago now.

Yes the debate doesn't help the OP, but you responded so it looks like we're having it.

I think people don't like to admit how influenced by culture/fashion/social norms they actually are.

If you lived a 100 years ago would you be removing your pubic hair? No. Most women weren't even removing their armpit hair back then.

So do you really think that all of a sudden millions of women independently came up with the idea of removing almost all body hair? I don't. I think it was companies trying to sell services (there's a lot of money to be made in razors, waxing etc) and the normalisation of hairlessness through porn.

Most women weren't even removing their armpit hair back then.

Depends on your cultural background.

I mean even if a trend came from porn - who cares. Her body her choice.

I cannot fathom being this bothered by what a strange woman chose to do with her body.

I don’t pretend l’m not influenced by fashion, culture and social norms. I contribute regularly on the Style & Beauty section and that is why l don’t stand out in a crowd by dressing as people did 100 years ago; things evolve.

Likewise 100 years ago women did not have the benefits of modern San-pro and contraception which we now enjoy. Companies selling services is the way our society works and one way or another keeps us and our families in paid employment.

But l have yet to see or hear of anyone saying someone should remove body hair against personal wishes. I do see a lot of criticism of those who do though. I do not look like a pre-pubescent child when naked, l have 36F boobs and my vulva does not resemble a child. Plus I’m starting to get wrinkles(!) but nothing l can do on the latter.

But it’s not all porn influenced! I suspect fashion is the larger influence. I was an early developer at school and teased at swimming lessons because of my budding breasts and pubic hair poking through my cossie; it wasn’t nice. Plus “hairy” is allegedly an often searched term in porn.

I don't think anyone said or even implied that millions of women independently came up with the idea, but pubic hair removal has also happened throughout history in lots of different cultures.

Obviously we were aware that it is a possibility to remove pubic hair because we have seen it and heard about it, some people liked it and preferred the look/feel or thought x, y and z about it and then made the choice to remove it, whereas others didn't.

What we are rebutting is this idea that the women who say they prefer it that way, don't in fact prefer it that way, that we're just pretending that we do, and couldn't possibly genuinely prefer it that way.

I see it too. Very odd!

No. But it did not used to be mainstream, which suggests that pornography has increased the practice.