New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

[Brooklans]

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

Hope all the idiot men on this thread understand that even in mid shag either partner can change their mind and stop when obviously the initial intent was to go on until the end. whenever that would be

@Brooklans You've been remarkably patient in not just binning him straight off tbh. Though it's different when you've known and liked someone several weeks I suppose.

What a disappointment. But sheesh, that was a bucket of cold water in the mental erogenous zone wasn't it.

Agree.

What so many men don't seem able to grasp is anecdotally women are turning away from having a partner because of sub par entitled men like him in their droves, particularly in their 30's as they realise men, children and family life are not the be all and end all.

That having a relatively satisfying career that pays well can pave the way for a very nice life.

I certainly have lots of deeply satisfied, happy, single friends in their late 50's that have never regretted their choices.

The way he spoke to her was just awful.
Who on earth did he think he is?

He was a spectacularly easy swerve IMO.

Any choking is dangerous. Your sex partner may think they are being careful and not grabbing 'too strongly' but they don't know what 'too strongly' is likely to be. Don't do this, it can be lethal and constantly repeating restriction of oxygen to the brain (which is what choking means) can cause brain damage over time. And it's not part of a normal sex life, it's a kink.

This exactly! 🤣 This sounds like a lucky escape as it sounds like it would very disappointing!

id be disappointed at how inconsiderate he was being so selfish and doesn’t care that it’s enjoyable for you too. Likely to be a me me me about everything.

Ew, that would have put me off too. If he was that worried, he should have had a wank first. Instead, he expected a blowie from you and then probably CBA to give anything back after.

Know your worth, he doesn’t!

Sheeesh ! The guy has done you a massive favour by revealing what an immature, selfish pr#ck he is. You deserve MUCH better respect, affection and treatment than he has to offer. In time he MAY learn how to behave but time’s precious. Get Rid. Move on.

Oh, you haven't upset me, you're just a tosser who needed to be told - hope that helps :)

Sorry you were so triggered (not sorry at all of course but a lot more honest than you 😆)

Please do delete your post and never post again though, if you like. Everyone will benefit, including you.

Or don't. Nobody cares. Just move on now.

Or keep posting trying to be cool if you like 😂

Yep. Strangulation during sex is incredibly dangerous and strangulation during sex is well documented for causing strokes, mini strokes, heart issues and brain damage.

Also, men who enjoy torturing women in this fashion and pretending it's normal or sexual are known to have a high rate of domestic violence.

It is a documented fact that if a man strangles women during sex there's a higher risk he will murder her.

Men also use it as an excuse to murder women and pretend it was a "rough sex" "accident".

There are zero upsides to strangulation during sex.

wecantconsenttothis dot uk

Right. I wish mumsnet would monitor the men who make sleazy suggestions and are very clearly creepy bastards on these threads andothers like the as heavily as they monitor women who are being a bit snarky to one another, or post opinions mumsnet doesn't like.

But it might affect the mumsnet click count.

I have two adult step daughters and an adult biological daughter, 23, 24 and 25. I called them all and asked them individually if a guy said this to you would you be unfazed by that. I was very casual about it and said I am just curious as an old fart what the reaction would be. The immediate reaction was utter disgust, repulsed by the man, that he was a shithead and could fuck off (my own words not theirs they swear less than me as they did not have my upbringing). From all three. Instantly. And I called them rather than texting to get a true reaction. It was horrified disgust.

So yeah, the person earlier trying to minimise this and pretend that young women are fine with it has also watched way too much porn.

Yep, am aware it is a small sample of normal women who have been well raised with self esteem and confidence, so might not translate to the wider audience. But it holds weight because they are real young women.

If you assume that's a lie, you've just told everyone you lie without blinking and assume everyone else does too.

Eew. Get rid. Life is not a fucking porn film...

Yeah I'm not sure I'd like this with someone I was hoping for a relationship with. On a hook up or FWB type thing I think it would turn me on, but otherwise no.

What has he said since? it would massively put me off too and I would leave aswell

The vast majority of people who enjoy this don't engage in 'strangulation'. Often it's just the hand on the throat and sometimes like a small bit of restraint as a previous poster said. No one is accidentally dying from that.

The only reason it even works as a murder defence (or did work in the past) is due to the ignorance on the subject.

That website was created in response to men using rough sex as a murder defence, despite some of those women having spinal injuries, cut arteries and having serious injuries all over.

When you share that website along with comments about about how it's unsafe and lethal you're actually supporting what the men have said, that if sex gets a little kinky or rough then it's easy for a man to accidentally kill them.

I'm a regular poster on here and female.

@notthisagain2025
I reported you right back for your personal attacks just because you made a completely incorrect assumption.
I'm female and a regular poster on here.

@notthisagain2025 You could easily search my post history or even read my comments on this thread and you'd see that I was calling out the creepy man on the thread, also that I said I like dominance but I think men should always ask first and would be turned off a man if he didn't because I would think he might have traumatised previous women, but I bet you won't apologise, because you jumped from 0-100 just because I didn't share your opinion.

Thank you MN for the confirmation/validation! 😊