New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

[Brooklans]

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

Threads where a woman has said no to a man sexually really do attract some guys that need their hard-drives checking.

You are trying to tell women what sexual behaviour they should / shouldn’t be prepared to tolerate from men. Do not do that. Women do not owe men anything. If a man behaves in a way we don’t like, we do not owe them a second chance and we don’t have to spend our precious time trying to educate them.

Exactly this. For the ones thinking she should give him a chance - why?

You don’t need to give a man a first chance let alone a second chance. Especially when it comes to sex. This isn’t her husband, fiancé or even boyfriend - it’s a guy she had just started seeing. Men are usually on their best behaviour in the first few months, if he’s like this already imagine how he will be like in another couple of months.

He has shown who he is and what he’s capable of. There is zero need for Op to hang around to see more. He can learn and do better with another women if he wishes but that doesn’t need to be OP.

And if OP did sleep with him and he was a selfish lover and overly rough etc she would be blamed by many for ignoring the red flag.

It’s funny how misogynists tell women to “choose better” as a sly way of victim blaming, but then they get all outraged when they do choose better and say “no thanks”.

You are being unreasonable to consider giving this twerp another chance.
You are worth so much more.

You definitely are not or else you wouldn't have a MN account. Don't lie James.

His "wife" is probably that porny Grok thing.

Yanbu at all and that woukd have put me off too. If he was that worried about his stamina he could have had a wank in the bathroom so that he could focus on pleasing you. I don't buy that excuse at all, he was just totally focused on his own experience not yours. Such people are not worth your time or energy.

Surely you comprehend that people are turned on (and off) by different things? Why else is there such a variety of porn? As you're clearly such an expert.

Dirty talk makes me cringe in a giggling childish way. I can't help it. I'm just incompatible with anyone who is into it, because trust me, me laughing at you will turn you off too. It is what it is.

TBF to the guy OP posted about I think I'd rather a man said to me 'suck me off and make me cum first' rather than telling me liked to post on MN.

I know. Not exactly the manliest hobby in the world is it 😄

You're a bloke, sunshine.
I've had a lovely gorgeous husband for many years, fortunately he's not a crude arsehole whose idea of courtship was to shove his cock in my face.

And there's nothing wrong with the OP being turned off him because of it.

I love dirty talk too, doesn't mean that I think OP should have been turned on by it, especially in that context, bizarre that you'd try to make out maybe she's not even interested in men.

It doesn't even sound like dirty talk anyway....sounds like 'give me a wank'.

👀

Yeah it tends to be men who stay stuff like “ get used to being single” to women.

I mean aside from the fact staying single is preferable to being with a sub-par man it’s also a silly thing to say in this context.

There are plenty of men who wouldn’t talk to a potential sexual partner during their first sexual encounter. There are plenty of men who wouldn’t speak like this to a woman even if they were in an established relationship unless they knew that turned her on and is what she wanted.

So many men (and women with internalised misogyny) are invested in getting women to accept the worst from men. And one way they attempt this is by normalising bad behaviour and claiming “they all do it”.

Yes when he was saying he was only thinking about me and my needs, it did feel he was grasping at straws a bit and was embarrassed.

Having said all of that, I don’t think he’s a bad person or selfish. I feel bad for him that it’s come to this, but ultimately I can’t help how I feel and I’m not prepared to put myself in situations where I’m uncomfortable just to please somebody else. It’s also not fair to lead him on and waste his time, I’m sure there’s lots of women out there for him that he’ll be compatible with. I made the right decision.

It should be a school motto! Maybe in Latin! 😂

Agreed. I think this is a common misconception on Mumsnet.

When people say they like being ‘choked’ during sex, 99.9% of them are talking about just having their partner’s hand or hands on their throat, not being strangled or having their airway cut off at all. It’s more like a very light form of restraint, I’d say. Obviously nobody should be doing it without knowing if their partner’s OK with it or assuming it’s just a standard thing because it isn’t. But it’s not strangulation or literal choking.

The spanking comparison is a very good one, I think.

You're taking this way too personally, @JamesHarris

I don't know why men like that even look to women for sex when they can fuck themselves so well

These threads bring out the incels.

Ha ha ha ha! 😂

It’s such a weird response: “get used to being single”.

What’s wrong with being single?!