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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex sharing bed with 9 year old daughter?

123 replies

InappropriateSleep · 26/10/2025 18:41

My Ex and I divorced this year. Long story short he is an emotional abusive, sexually coercive, cheat and all round horrible bastard who hates me with a fiery passion as I had the audacity to dump him.

As part of the divorce, I am the resident parent and he refused to set a contact schedule so sees the children when it suits him.

He has recently bought a house, he deliberately chose one with only 2 bedrooms but we have 2 children: DS14 and DD9. There were plenty of other 3 bedroom options within his price range nearby but he chose this one.

He has given our son the bedroom (has always favoured son and treats him like a mate) and he expects my daughter to sleep in his bed and he’ll sleep on the couch. I raised concerns about this when he first communicated this to me as my daughter is going through puberty with all the associated body changes (a lot further along than her peers) and needs privacy and her own space. He basically told me it’s none of my business.

This weekend, it turns out my Ex shared his bed with our daughter rather than sleep on the couch. I’m not saying he’s a paedo but I don’t think it’s appropriate and told him so. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t share a bed with my son who is also neck deep in puberty.

Obviously my dislike of the man may be clouding my view but what do you think?

I have told him if he is unable to provide appropriate sleeping arrangements for DD then maybe we should pause overnights until he can.

OP posts:
90yomakeuproom · 26/10/2025 18:45

I actually don't think a dad sharing a bed with his 9 year old daughter is that bad? I suppose as it's a regular arrangement it's not ideal.

babasaclover · 26/10/2025 18:46

Is she happy with the arrangement? My 9 year old sleeps with me or my husband on occasion and the other parent goes in her bed. But she asks for it as hates being alone. Depends on the child and how she feels

mollypuss1 · 26/10/2025 18:47

“I’m not saying he’s a paedo but…”

AbsentosaurusRex · 26/10/2025 18:48

InappropriateSleep · 26/10/2025 18:41

My Ex and I divorced this year. Long story short he is an emotional abusive, sexually coercive, cheat and all round horrible bastard who hates me with a fiery passion as I had the audacity to dump him.

As part of the divorce, I am the resident parent and he refused to set a contact schedule so sees the children when it suits him.

He has recently bought a house, he deliberately chose one with only 2 bedrooms but we have 2 children: DS14 and DD9. There were plenty of other 3 bedroom options within his price range nearby but he chose this one.

He has given our son the bedroom (has always favoured son and treats him like a mate) and he expects my daughter to sleep in his bed and he’ll sleep on the couch. I raised concerns about this when he first communicated this to me as my daughter is going through puberty with all the associated body changes (a lot further along than her peers) and needs privacy and her own space. He basically told me it’s none of my business.

This weekend, it turns out my Ex shared his bed with our daughter rather than sleep on the couch. I’m not saying he’s a paedo but I don’t think it’s appropriate and told him so. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t share a bed with my son who is also neck deep in puberty.

Obviously my dislike of the man may be clouding my view but what do you think?

I have told him if he is unable to provide appropriate sleeping arrangements for DD then maybe we should pause overnights until he can.

Totally agree with you. He’s currently unable to provide what his children need. A tween girl should not be forced to share a bed with her dad.

ClarissR · 26/10/2025 18:48

What does your daughter think?

BingBongBish · 26/10/2025 18:48

AbsentosaurusRex · 26/10/2025 18:48

Totally agree with you. He’s currently unable to provide what his children need. A tween girl should not be forced to share a bed with her dad.

We don't know that this 9 year old was forced to do anything?

mollypuss1 · 26/10/2025 18:48

My DH shared a hotel bed last month with his 9 year old DD. She didn’t care and he’s not a paedo.

I see no issue at 9 unless you genuinely have concerns about her safety.

AbsentosaurusRex · 26/10/2025 18:50

BingBongBish · 26/10/2025 18:48

We don't know that this 9 year old was forced to do anything?

True. Who knows what happens in other peoples beds.

RealPerson · 26/10/2025 18:50

Totally inappropriate

InappropriateSleep · 26/10/2025 18:53

To be honest, she doesn’t like staying at her dad’s, but that’s more based on how him and her brother watch football all day and ignore her.

She’s not mentioned that she doesn’t like sharing a bed with her dad and I’m trying to tread carefully around influencing her either way.

OP posts:
mollypuss1 · 26/10/2025 18:53

RealPerson · 26/10/2025 18:50

Totally inappropriate

Why?

AbsentosaurusRex · 26/10/2025 18:55

RealPerson · 26/10/2025 18:50

Totally inappropriate

Agreed.

JLou08 · 26/10/2025 18:55

I don't think there's anything wrong with a dad and daughter sharing if the daughter is comfortable. My DS still got in my bad sometimes at 9.
My DH has never been sexually abusive towards me though. I'm as confident as anyone could be that my DD would be safe with him. Maybe you have good reason to worry about this.

RealPerson · 26/10/2025 18:55

mollypuss1 · 26/10/2025 18:53

Why?

Boundaries

mollypuss1 · 26/10/2025 18:56

RealPerson · 26/10/2025 18:55

Boundaries

What ‘boundaries’ have been crossed?

InappropriateSleep · 26/10/2025 18:57

Also when I say she’s going through puberty, it’s advanced enough that I expect her to start her periods within the next 6 months maximum.

OP posts:
Amba1998 · 26/10/2025 18:58

She doesn’t like going there full stop based on your updates so no I wouldn’t be happy with this either. Plus he was sexually coercive with you. Not saying that makes him a predator to his child but the whole things just doesn’t sit right with me

Kellogs4 · 26/10/2025 19:00

I agree with you OP. You made this clear and he has over stepped boundaries here. Stop overnight stays its not appropriate.

Why doesn't he share a bed with his son rather than his DD?

Comedycook · 26/10/2025 19:00

Its inappropriate imo. He had the alternative option of sleeping on the sofa...and letting her sleep on her own in his bed. He should have done that.

Owly11 · 26/10/2025 19:00

So she has to share a bed with a sexually co-ercive man? And when will this arrangement cease? Age10? 11? 12? 13? It's a no from me.

Fuzzypinetree · 26/10/2025 19:03

It depends on you DD and your ex, really. My DS is nearly 9 and he's still sleeping in my bed. He does have his own room and bed and I'd be very happy for him to sleep there, but he doesn't want to sleep alone. I'm also still having DD in a bedside cot on the other side and sometimes feel like the filling in a kid sandwich...
He shares a bed with his dad at his flat, too. It's not inappropriate and we've always co-slept, even before the divorce. Without the divorce, I would have pushed harder for him to sleep in his bed but he's not emotionally ready, yet. His separation anxiety is worse than DD's...
Perhaps ask your DD what she thinks and go based off that.

Leopardspota · 26/10/2025 19:06

I dont think I can be rational about this situ.
My husband sharing a bed with our daughter, or me sharing with my dad (we once shared when i accidentally booked us the wrong hotel room when I was about 25..!) is totally fine and definitely not inappropriate. But I can’t feel that same about others. I know this isn’t rational!

I think the issue has to be that she doesn’t have her own space. it would be different if she had own room and asked to share
with dad. He’s making her feel like
shes kicking him out of his room which is totally unfair and inappropriate that she will feel some pressure to ask him to sleep in the bed.

Bushmillsbabe · 26/10/2025 19:06

If this was a short term thing- having renovations, on holiday etc then I wouldn't have a huge issues with it (unless DD feels uncomfortable then it's a definite no). But his long term plan it seems is for his pre teen daughter to share a bed with him, and that I wouldn't feel comfortable with, apart from anything, due to the favouritism shown towards his son.

If there is no court ordered contact schedule, and she doesn't enjoy going, can you suggest daytime contact rather than overnights?

AgnesMcDoo · 26/10/2025 19:06

I dont think there is anything wrong with a parent sharing a bed with their child of either sex.

Sleepyandtiredandlazy · 26/10/2025 19:09

She doesn't even have her own room or her own space when she stays with her father. But her brother does.
The whole set up is wrong for your daughter's welfare and happiness.

And yes sharing a bed with someone who you know has history for being sexually coercive is totally inappropriate and worrying.

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