Ex sharing bed with 9 year old daughter?

[InappropriateSleep]

My Ex and I divorced this year. Long story short he is an emotional abusive, sexually coercive, cheat and all round horrible bastard who hates me with a fiery passion as I had the audacity to dump him.

As part of the divorce, I am the resident parent and he refused to set a contact schedule so sees the children when it suits him.

He has recently bought a house, he deliberately chose one with only 2 bedrooms but we have 2 children: DS14 and DD9. There were plenty of other 3 bedroom options within his price range nearby but he chose this one.

He has given our son the bedroom (has always favoured son and treats him like a mate) and he expects my daughter to sleep in his bed and he’ll sleep on the couch. I raised concerns about this when he first communicated this to me as my daughter is going through puberty with all the associated body changes (a lot further along than her peers) and needs privacy and her own space. He basically told me it’s none of my business.

This weekend, it turns out my Ex shared his bed with our daughter rather than sleep on the couch. I’m not saying he’s a paedo but I don’t think it’s appropriate and told him so. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t share a bed with my son who is also neck deep in puberty.

Obviously my dislike of the man may be clouding my view but what do you think?

I have told him if he is unable to provide appropriate sleeping arrangements for DD then maybe we should pause overnights until he can.

But I presume this 9 year old has her own bed/bedroom. If her only bed is with her dad and her bedroom is also his bedroom well yes you should see a problem.

Yes indeed it's different for a female.

If either my wife or I is away, our very nearly 9-year-old son thinks it's his right to take our place until we get back. I know there are differences, but I'd not be that concerned if she is comfortable. There is an issue that my son is choosing and has somewhere to go, and she doesn't on top of the obvious ones from your post.

They don’t have a female in their life so its dad or no-one

Yes she has her own room, though rarely stays in her own bed as she prefers her dads

I'm aware. Sorry but kids need to sleep in their own beds at some point and they should have their own bedroom too.

So you’ve not read what her mum said?

Many kids come in with their parents at age 9, it’s not unusual. It’s a shame that good dads are looked on with suspicion as they have female children.

Were you sexually coercive with your ex?
Did you promise to sleep separately from your child then just change your mind?

I feel really uncomfortable about this. Men get random, spontaneous erections and can become sexually excited at the drop of a hat. Sorry if this sounds horrible, but I was abused by dear old grandpa when I was about that age. Please don't risk it.

I think a good dad would sleep on the sofa and disregard his own comfort so that his DD could have her own bed to sleep in. I think a good dad would recognise that his DD was approaching puberty and put in place boundaries to make sure she felt like she had some privacy. I think good dad's don't abuse the mothers of their children.

I really don’t think it’s necessary to make it about being creepy. I think it’s simply appalling that he’s chosen a situation where his son has his own bedroom and his daughter has nothing. That’s insanely unfair and really damaging for a child. I have no idea why this is preferable than siblings sharing, or the father being in the living room, or buying a place with 3 bedrooms (as the OP said was an option), or really anything else more creative that hasn’t occurred to me yet. The bed thing isn’t even the worst part for me.

I would share a bed with my 9 year old son, however he has his own bedroom and bed and anytime he comes into mine it's entirely his choice.
Buying a 2 bed and only providing one of his children with a bed/bedroom is the problem.

Many kids come in with their parents at age 9, it’s not unusual. It’s a shame that good dads are looked on with suspicion as they have female children.

Yeah they come in with their parents. their parents don't come in with them. And they have their own beds. There is nothing in the OP to indicate this is a "good dad" He favours his son over his daughter and he thinks she doesn't deserve privacy.

Do people not understand from the OP that basically the 9 year old shares a bed and a bedroom with her father?? No other option available? On what planet is this not unusual?

There is a huge difference between a 9 year old choosing to sleep with a parent and a 9 year old who has to sleep with a parent because she has no bed, no bedroom, no private space, nowhere to keep her belongings.

Good dads don't put their daughter in that position.

The worst part, for me, is the OP's statement that he is sexually coercive; said daughter would have his bed while he slept on the sofa; then decided it was a better option to sleep with his daughter. That says it all, really.

Totally inappropriate, I wouldn't be happy with this

Do you reckon he’s trying to goad you into stopping sending your daughter because he’s not really that fussed with her? I have a narc ex myself and I recognise this behaviour. He’s deliberately chosen that house because it only really accommodates himself and one child. He hasn’t provided her her own space and he’s neglectful of her when she’s there.
you don’t have a custody arrangement. Use this to your advantage and stop the overnights for your daughter. If she wishes to maintain a relationship with him he can take her out 1-1 for days out.

Zombie 🧟‍♀️

OP, you seem to be suggesting your ex could abuse your daughter. If that is the case, you need to tell the police. You seem to be very blaise making this about your daughter having her own room, when it reality you are heavily insinuating she could be abused by her father. If that is truly your instinct, you would be letting her down by not taking serious action.

What option did she have? There was no other bed provided for her.

He's sexually coercive.
He chose to buy a 2 bed house despite having 2 children
He gave the bedroom to his son, rather than his daughter
He promised to sleep on the couch, but then didn't, and slept in bed with your daughter

It's 4 big red flags OP.

Is there a chance he's doing this on purpose to wind you up and make you nervous about it?

I'd be saying she cannot stay the night with him. End of. He made his choice when he bought inappropriate housing.

I never shared a bed with my father ever.
Never ever was to put in that position. Nor should she be. Everyone should have their own room. If not possible she should only share with a same sex sibling.

Hopefully this isn't a wind up. It seems rather odd and one that wouldcattract alot of interest.