Ex sharing bed with 9 year old daughter?

[InappropriateSleep]

My Ex and I divorced this year. Long story short he is an emotional abusive, sexually coercive, cheat and all round horrible bastard who hates me with a fiery passion as I had the audacity to dump him.

As part of the divorce, I am the resident parent and he refused to set a contact schedule so sees the children when it suits him.

He has recently bought a house, he deliberately chose one with only 2 bedrooms but we have 2 children: DS14 and DD9. There were plenty of other 3 bedroom options within his price range nearby but he chose this one.

He has given our son the bedroom (has always favoured son and treats him like a mate) and he expects my daughter to sleep in his bed and he’ll sleep on the couch. I raised concerns about this when he first communicated this to me as my daughter is going through puberty with all the associated body changes (a lot further along than her peers) and needs privacy and her own space. He basically told me it’s none of my business.

This weekend, it turns out my Ex shared his bed with our daughter rather than sleep on the couch. I’m not saying he’s a paedo but I don’t think it’s appropriate and told him so. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t share a bed with my son who is also neck deep in puberty.

Obviously my dislike of the man may be clouding my view but what do you think?

I have told him if he is unable to provide appropriate sleeping arrangements for DD then maybe we should pause overnights until he can.

This. Fine for kids to bed-share with their parents sometimes but they should have their own space to retreat to. It should be entirely their choice.

I'd also be unhappy about this, OP.

I think it’s terrible that one child gets his own room and she gets nothing. So the bedrooms are set up with stuff for your son and clothes and a door he can shut and your daughter just curls up in a corner of her father’s bed? I’d be stopping this immediately.

As others have said, sharing space with parents on holiday or after a bad dream etc is totally fine but this isn’t that.

It’s context. I chose to climb in to bed with my dad at that age and also my mum - if one was away for work etc. my choice. Or sharing a room on holiday with either or both but with separate beds.
In this case it’s inappropriate for several reasons - sexually coercive father, giving son personal space and not daughter who does not have the choice. And OP said he was able to buy 3 bedroom but chose not to. It’s not a short term living situation - it’s long term. Daughter already feeling ignored over there and has no personal space to go to. This could have a lasting impact on her mental health for various reasons. I feel so sorry for her :(

Ignore the cool wives on here. I have never know a man share a bed with an 9 year old girl- totally inappropriate. Abuse can and does happen. Abuse is most likely to happen in the home by fathers or very close male relatives. You know he’s already been sexually coercive to you.
This needs to stop.
Even if he’s not abusive, this is totally unreasonable as it’s not like a short term thing like other posters mentioning sharing beds on holiday. This is supposed to be her other home and he needs to make her feel wanted and welcome with her own bed at the very least. She’s still got years of going there- why should she have to share with a grown man regularly. For how long? If he has no plans to move?
Time to speak up for your daughter or make it clear she doesn’t have to stay over. Let him take you to court if he disagrees (will never happen) and I’d love to see him explain the sleeping arrangements

Another bloody pig of a father. Not prioritising his daughter. No she shouldn't have to sleep in the bed. It's interesting that we don't think it's OK for a 14 year year old boy to share with his sister but she can share a bed with an adult. He's just unpleasant though isn't he. He doesn't like women and is putting your daughter second. He's ignoring her - maybe as a way to get to you?
How often does she go - he could get a camp bed at least.
I'd be concerned op and you could run it be early help via social services for there view on this?

Those of you saying that's it's fine because your DC occasionally gets in your bed or shares with you on holiday are missing the point entirely.

This is an abusive and sexually coercive man. The poor girl has no bedroom or bed of her own in that house. The abusive and sexually coercive man is the only adult in that house. It doesn't read like this girl has much of a choice. Is she able to speak up and say what she would prefer? Is she able to say to him I would rather sleep in this bed by myself?

This does make me feel uncomfortable, though admittedly I’m not exactly objective as I was sexually abused by my F, as was my DSis. My DM didn’t know anything about it.

So we have no way of knowing whether or not the OP’s DD will be safe sharing a bed with her father. Not all fathers are safe for their children to be around. We can’t know either way; what we do know is that he was sexually coercive towards the OP.

Of course, the fact that he was sexually coercive towards the OP doesn’t make him a paedophile, so it’s more likely that this isn’t about sexual abuse. My point is that we don’t know that he isn’t a risk to his DD.

As has been said, though, this sleeping arrangement is very unfair on his DD, even without the concerns about sexual abuse. She should have her own private space in his home, like her DB does.

To answer a question from a PP, neither child would feel able to raise an issue with their father as if they don’t act they way he wants them to, he will withdraw all affection and give them the silent treatment to punish them. This is part of the reason I stayed so long was to shelter them from this.

I’ve messaged him on the parenting app that we use for communication raising the issue (no response).

I’ve also had an age appropriate conversation this morning with my daughter about her right to privacy and her own space.

He is fully aware of my concerns so should he do it again, I will stop overnight visits for my daughter (he probably won’t care anyway as he has zero interest in her) and if he takes it to court I’d quite happily sit there while he justifies his rationale on why he should regularly share a bed with our daughter.

Thanks to all who commented!

That doesn’t mean he is doing that with his kids
if he is OP needs to try to get custody removed surely?

@SENsupportplease The family courts don't tend to don't take into account previous behaviour towards a partner as an indicator that said man is a bad dad. Not saying that's right at all but I was l told he could still a coercively controlling husband and a great dad(!)

I dont think sharing a bed is an issue if dd doesnt mind and they are both in PJs

If dd is uncomfortable would there be room in bedroom for a camp bed

If this girl goes into school and tells her teacher about this set up, would they report it as a safeguarding issue?

Is she forced though?

I'd have thought it better for her to have the bedroom and for son to sleep with dad if necessary, or buy a little bed to go in the same room so they just share a room, not a bed.

I presume where he is living is not a permanent arrangement and he'll eventually move to somewhere with more room.

Given that many men wake with an involuntary erection, and as the mother of three now adult daughters, I can say that this is NOT the way I'd want my innocent young daughter to learn about men and sexual matters.

In the OP's shoes, I would be putting an immediate stop to the overnight visits and I'd have no compunction whatever in telling him why...he can take it up with the safeguarding authorities if he so wishes and if he feels that his favouritism/poor conduct will stand scrutiny.

That's nothing to do with having a nasty/dirty mind but everything to do with protecting a young girl.

Thanks for responding to my question about how he would behave toward your DD if she should start her periods whilst staying with him. Your answer, together with my DH's response when I just read your post to him, would put an instant stop to my DD staying overnight if I were in your shoes.

My DH was HORRIFIED at your daughter sharing a bed with her father, and felt so strongly about it, that he asked me quite forcefully, to post again, and ask you not to let her stay over even once more. If he moves again, or comes up with a solution whereby she doesn't sleep in his bed, then obviously you can reconsider, but please OP, keep your daughter safe, as the damage this situation could do to her, might affect her for the rest of her life.

If one of the reasons you left him was sexual coercion then I think he should be sleeping on the sofa.

The onus to protect should not rest with a child. A child is not able to assess safety especially when it comes to a parent. The OP needs to go with her instinct: stop over night visits entirely and contact cps for guidance/assessment. The ex-H was sexually coercive to OP. That is more than enough reason to stop visitation.

ETA: clothing is not protection fgs. 🤦‍♀️

I think the issue is that this is potentially a permanent arrangement because his home is unsuitable for both kids to stay over at the same time. I mean, if DD was sick or there was a storm or something, you wouldn't think twice about her sharing with her parent. But for it to be an ongoing arrangement is far from ideal.
Having said that, you do have to relinquish some control when they are with the other parent. Tread carefully. The last thing your kids need is to be pulled into any disagreements.

Yeahhhh, NO!

It's not appropriate. Why can't she sleep on the sofa if he won't?
And it doesn't matter if he is trustworthy, she is a young girl and needs privacy on occasion and it's not necessary to sleep with her estranged father. Can you insist that she have the second bedroom and DS share with his dad, would totally make more sense.

If this is meant to be a permanent arrangement, at what stage will he admit it is inappropriate? When she’s 14? 16?

Your daughter should not have to take on responsibility for saying ‘no’ to bed sharing with an adult man. I would not let her stay overnight unless she has her own room.

Incidentally, imagine meeting a single (ie divorced) man whose housing arrangements required him sharing a bed with his 9 year old daughter on her visits. I would be appalled & run a mile. I think that says something.

Guy I was dating has sole custody of 2 DD’s and the 9yr old is always in his bed. I don’t see a problem.

For what reason though? Why doesn't she sleep in her own bed. Some kids have started puberty at that age.

I'm on the fence on this one, but I'm a single mum with a 9yo DS who sleeps in my bed, so feel I can't really judge the reverse. The difference is my DS has his own bed which he can and is encouraged to sleep it (he has anxiety, and won't).

I guess the deciding factor should be how DD feels about this. If she's fine with it, then it's fine for now, though I imagine that will change in the next few years.

She isn’t a tween, she’s 9.

Because like many kids, they want to sleep with a parent. My daughter slept in my bed until 12. No-one judged that though as i’m female. He has an older DD who has started puberty, who hasn’t long stopped coming into his bed either. He is a lovely father, who is the only parent who can comfort his DD’s, who have been through a lot.