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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex sharing bed with 9 year old daughter?

123 replies

InappropriateSleep · 26/10/2025 18:41

My Ex and I divorced this year. Long story short he is an emotional abusive, sexually coercive, cheat and all round horrible bastard who hates me with a fiery passion as I had the audacity to dump him.

As part of the divorce, I am the resident parent and he refused to set a contact schedule so sees the children when it suits him.

He has recently bought a house, he deliberately chose one with only 2 bedrooms but we have 2 children: DS14 and DD9. There were plenty of other 3 bedroom options within his price range nearby but he chose this one.

He has given our son the bedroom (has always favoured son and treats him like a mate) and he expects my daughter to sleep in his bed and he’ll sleep on the couch. I raised concerns about this when he first communicated this to me as my daughter is going through puberty with all the associated body changes (a lot further along than her peers) and needs privacy and her own space. He basically told me it’s none of my business.

This weekend, it turns out my Ex shared his bed with our daughter rather than sleep on the couch. I’m not saying he’s a paedo but I don’t think it’s appropriate and told him so. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t share a bed with my son who is also neck deep in puberty.

Obviously my dislike of the man may be clouding my view but what do you think?

I have told him if he is unable to provide appropriate sleeping arrangements for DD then maybe we should pause overnights until he can.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 26/10/2025 19:09

InappropriateSleep · 26/10/2025 18:53

To be honest, she doesn’t like staying at her dad’s, but that’s more based on how him and her brother watch football all day and ignore her.

She’s not mentioned that she doesn’t like sharing a bed with her dad and I’m trying to tread carefully around influencing her either way.

Would your ex kick off if you didn't send DD to stay at his house? It would be more appropriate for your DD to have the spare bedroom and you DS to share with his dad, but your DS is obviously the favourite from what you have said.

When allocating social housing, local authorities don't expect siblings of different sexes to share a bedroom over the age of 10. I presume that is because over 10 is when puberty is expected to start but your daughter has started earlier than that. I think that is it inappropriate for her to share a bed with her dad.

Original poster
InappropriateSleep · 26/10/2025 19:12

Kellogs4 · 26/10/2025 19:00

I agree with you OP. You made this clear and he has over stepped boundaries here. Stop overnight stays its not appropriate.

Why doesn't he share a bed with his son rather than his DD?

I wouldn’t have a problem with him sharing a bed with our son same as I would happily share a bed with my daughter (for example on holiday we would share). However he made a big song and dance about son having the other bedroom ( I expect he plans on getting son to move in when he’s a bit older, obviously not now as dealing with school, homework etc is too much hard work Angry) so would never give daughter that bed.

I knew he wouldn’t keep to the couch as he likes to be comfortable.

OP posts:
MasculineProviderEnergy · 26/10/2025 19:13

It's inappropriate, especially when considering his sexually coercive tendencies. Also, if she's not keen on her dad, sharing a bed with him must be unpleasant for her.

I don't think this situation is comparable to a child choosing to climb into parents bed for a cuddle.

RealPerson · 26/10/2025 19:16

MasculineProviderEnergy · 26/10/2025 19:13

It's inappropriate, especially when considering his sexually coercive tendencies. Also, if she's not keen on her dad, sharing a bed with him must be unpleasant for her.

I don't think this situation is comparable to a child choosing to climb into parents bed for a cuddle.

I know what little girl wants to share a bed with a smelly man

Irenesortof · 26/10/2025 19:18

She shouldn't have to share a bed with her dad (though I agree with PP that there are circumstances where this kind of sharing would be fine occasionally), and at her age she shouldn't have to tell him she doesn't like it - I imagine that would be really hard for her. You probably need to speak up for her unfortunately, or at least coach her in what to say. If it's impossible for the two parents to talk this through, suppose DDd tells him she'd enjoy sleeping downstairs on the couch? If he's mostly staying in his room to be comfortable, he should be OK with that.

Figs788 · 26/10/2025 19:25

A girl leaving her own bed sometimes, to go and climb in with her dad for comfort, is one thing…

A girl not having her own bed, being forced to sleep in her dad’s bed (does he change the sheets; I doubt it?) then him deciding just to sleep in the bed with her, is manipulative.

She has no space to go to for privacy. This is a problem.

She needs her own bed, her own pillow, as a minimum. It’s worrying how little regard he’s given to her preferences.

Since he and the son are the same gender, the daughter should have priority on the other bedroom.

I don’t think you have a choice but to talk to him about this. She needs more consideration, and she needs you to show her that she matters, and you are sticking up for her x

TiredofLDN · 26/10/2025 19:27

Hmmmm.

A few of different things here.

My 9yo DS gets into my bed with me most nights. He’s a terrible sleeper and I’m a single parent. We do what we can to survive, and he’s very much still a little boy. I’m not inherently troubled by opposite sex parents bed sharing with children up to whatever age. Ofc if my/any child can’t sleep alone by 16, we’ve got problems of a different nature!

BUT- he has his own room, his own space, he’s not forced or even encouraged to get in my bed with me etc.

I think that’s key- as the opposite sex child, particularly going through puberty, who has not expressed a wish to co-sleep- she needs her own space. It would be more appropriate for dad and son to share, I think, or for son to have dad’s room, dad to go on the sofa and daughter to have the bedroom.

the fact that your ex has a history of sexual coercion is ofc an additional complicating factor, and to be honest, would have been enough for me to refuse unsupervised contact, and told him he could go via the family courts and see what they say, or go whistle.

MyDreamyRoseOrca · 26/10/2025 19:34

AgnesMcDoo · 26/10/2025 19:06

I dont think there is anything wrong with a parent sharing a bed with their child of either sex.

There isn’t. But this is a long term thing and that makes it very weird imho. I don’t have an issue with sharing a night or so with one of my kids but this is a silly permanent solution. Also she doesn’t have a space of her own at her dad’s? That’s not right. For the people saying this isn’t an issue, wonder if they take into consideration that it’s a permanent thing and she also, unlike her brother, hasn’t got a place to herself in that house?

LeavesOnTrees · 26/10/2025 19:38

She needs her own bed and her own space.
Isn't a child not having their own bed a sign of neglect ?
Is there anyway you can enforce this ?

Could you say no to overnights until she gets her own bed ? (Even if it's in the same room as her dad it's better than sharing a bed).

Givenupshopping · 26/10/2025 19:40

I definitely think it's inappropriate for your DD to be sharing a bed with her Dad on a regular basis at this age OP. Also, if she were to start her period whilst sleeping in his bed, would you expect him to handle it with sensitivity?

In my opinion, he has 3 choices, sleep on the sofa as he originally said he would, sleep with your DS, so that your DD gets a room to herself, or DD sleeps on the sofa, and he stays in his own bed. However, if she'd rather sleep on the sofa, I'd be inclined to tell him that he will need to get a sofa bed for her, when she outgrows the sofa.

Your poor daughter, I really feel for her, not only is she shut out while your Ex and DS watch football, but she doesn't even have her own room to shut herself away from them while they're doing it. Dreadful behaviour on the part of her Dad.

Original poster
InappropriateSleep · 26/10/2025 19:54

@Givenupshoppingthats one of my biggest worries. Should she start her periods while at his, she’s a sensitive wee soul and will get upset and he has no tolerance or patience for that and he would shout at her.

There’s reason that I did all the night feeds, sick in the night wake ups with the kids as he was just horrible if woken.

OP posts:
SwirlyShirly · 26/10/2025 20:41

As someone who used to be a 9 year old girl who shared a bed with her dad, this gets a massive no from me.

Whichone2024 · 26/10/2025 20:49

So what’s he planning as she continues to grow?
son gets a bedroom and she doesn’t?!
context is everything so wether or not sharing the bed is inappropriate depends on several factors -
but the living situation is totally unfair on your daughter, that is clear. How can she feel at home there feeling left out and not having her own space to go too. So sad 😢

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 26/10/2025 22:42

There’s a difference between a child choosing to hop in to their parents bed for comfort or closeness, and not actually having a bed of her own.

Yessiricanboogieallnightlong · 26/10/2025 22:46

Go to court for regular contact arrangements and get cafcass assessment. Part of that should look at suitable accommodation arrangements and contact arrangements will take that into account. It’s fair and stops arguing as you will otherwise

CinnamonBuns67 · 26/10/2025 22:49

If shes not wanting to share the bed then no it's not appropriate but that doesn't make him inappropriate. Was it a one off like they was chatting/watching a film and he dozed off? If not I'd ask him to share with DS in future or stick to the sofa.

AutumnCosy2025 · 26/10/2025 22:52

Why are you making her go?

Appalonia · 26/10/2025 22:58

Can't he just have one child at a time to visit if he doesn't have beds for them both? This feels so damaging to your daughter's wellbeing tbh.

Tryingatleast · 26/10/2025 22:59

I think it’s something that has to change but just because of the fact that she deserves to have a room/ share a room with a sibling as opposed to be in your ex’s room. I do think your emotions are leading you though- honestly what are the chances he chose a smaller place on purpose as opposed to him looking at eg cost? I know this isn’t a popular opinion on mn but I think her and her db should share a room if they can fit bunk beds/ twin beds in.

Cherryicecreamx · 26/10/2025 23:03

I think it's the lack of choice/say in the matter here - being told she's sleeping in her dad's bed whether she wants to or not. Can you or him get a pull down bed for her that she can choose where to sleep, i.e. in with her brother or with her dad.
It's a shame he couldn't make the second room the children's room to be both included over just the son's. It does seem like second best and you would feel a bit left out not being accommodated for.

thecatfromneptune · 26/10/2025 23:03

It would be a no from me. A same sex parent and child sharing, parent and child under approx 9 sharing, even mum and son sharing seems fine to me; but I think dad and preteen/teen daughter is a no though.

It’s about all sorts of things — privacy, comfort, appropriate boundaries. For all sorts of reasons this is a bit different between an adult man and a girl who’s reaching puberty, and it’s not just about whether the child is uncomfortable at the time, but also about how she will feel looking back on it as well.

I’d definitely pause contact arrangements until there’s a better solution.

justasking111 · 26/10/2025 23:05

Kellogs4 · 26/10/2025 19:00

I agree with you OP. You made this clear and he has over stepped boundaries here. Stop overnight stays its not appropriate.

Why doesn't he share a bed with his son rather than his DD?

I was thinking that

101Alsatians · 26/10/2025 23:07

SwirlyShirly · 26/10/2025 20:41

As someone who used to be a 9 year old girl who shared a bed with her dad, this gets a massive no from me.

I hope you're okay x

Mrsnothingthanks · 26/10/2025 23:11

@InappropriateSleep Why would he shout at her if she were to start her periods when at his house?

176509user · 26/10/2025 23:20

Poor girl sleeping with a grown adult man ! Apart from his likely grunting, farting and likely smelliness, I’d be concerned also about his sexual coercion history.

Ask her if she’d prefer to not have to stay the night ? I think you need to give her the option of not going.
How does she feel about this set up ? What does she get out of the visits ( apart from being exposed to mysoginy) ?

Why does she have to go if she is being ignored? Surely this isn’t good for her mental health ?

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