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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you have a SEN child, would you be comfortable with this?

348 replies

Beetrootisthesecretingredient · 26/10/2025 08:43

Context: DS7 is autistic. Verbal but with lots of sensory issues and is very rigid.
Yesterday we went cycling along the canal tow path, one of our usual Saturday activities. Its usually quiet and we have a nice time cycling to a certain bridge and back. DS is very noise sensitive. Yesterday there was a series of unfortunate events (in our world): someone using a chain saw, a baby cried and then a loud car backfired, all within 2 mins of each other. DS leaps off bike screams and cries and lies on the tow path. Meltdown.
This happened on a very narrow bit of towpath. At this exact same time 4 older male cyclists in all the lycra wanted to overtake us. DP went to DS to sooth/move out of way. Cyclists have now stopped and said loudly 'FFS just move him out of the way'.
I replied 'it won't take a second he's upset'.
More grumbling and general unkindness from cyclists. DP then loudly called cyclist 'inconsiderate twat'.
DP now wants to get DS a high vis vest that says 'I am autistic please be patient ' but I feel uncomfortable about it.
Fwiw we have a sunflower lanyard but these cyclists either didn't know what it represents of didn't care and DP just doesn't want to get in that situation again.... which ended with all stressed and called people twats.

OP posts:
Todaywillbeok · 28/10/2025 18:06

'Things like this' happening in public include people coming along and expecting not to have their way blocked by someone discourteous who thinks they're more important. And autism isn't the automatic excuse some seem to think for parents to be ignorant of everyone but their child.

@Safahh
I don’t think this situation occured because the parents or child thought they were ‘more important’.
As for the cyclists — reasonable adults should be capable of understanding that young children need accommodations at times, as do disabled people. Perhaps they thought they were too important to make any allowances?

CrazyGoatLady · 28/10/2025 18:23

@Todaywillbeok In this case though, there are other, safer places to cycle while he builds his confidence and tolerance.

@Kirbert2 - it's not that he had a meltdown. The issue is that the child gets off his bike with no warning and lies down on the floor when he can't cope, and he is difficult to move to safety.

I honestly completely get it, we can't avoid everything going wrong every time, it's awful to have a meltdown and yes, people should have some tolerance and compassion. But if your child is liable to do this, you don't take them out on a narrow cycle path on a busy day, because it is dangerous for them to block the path and cause a hazard. All users of cycle paths or shared paths are supposed to be courteous to each other, the responsibility is shared.

DS2 and DH go out on their bikes a lot. Families on bikes do inconsiderate stuff a lot on cycle paths. Take up the whole path so nobody can pass, let their kids wobble all over the path into oncoming cyclists and horse riders, dogs, prams, and you see the even stupider ones trying to take their wee bairns on red graded trails on bikes with stabilisers and all kinds of daft shite. Maybe those cyclists had just seen enough of it that day or something. Just because people have children, it doesn't mean "have consideration for other users" doesn't apply.

Kirbert2 · 28/10/2025 19:07

CrazyGoatLady · 28/10/2025 18:23

@Todaywillbeok In this case though, there are other, safer places to cycle while he builds his confidence and tolerance.

@Kirbert2 - it's not that he had a meltdown. The issue is that the child gets off his bike with no warning and lies down on the floor when he can't cope, and he is difficult to move to safety.

I honestly completely get it, we can't avoid everything going wrong every time, it's awful to have a meltdown and yes, people should have some tolerance and compassion. But if your child is liable to do this, you don't take them out on a narrow cycle path on a busy day, because it is dangerous for them to block the path and cause a hazard. All users of cycle paths or shared paths are supposed to be courteous to each other, the responsibility is shared.

DS2 and DH go out on their bikes a lot. Families on bikes do inconsiderate stuff a lot on cycle paths. Take up the whole path so nobody can pass, let their kids wobble all over the path into oncoming cyclists and horse riders, dogs, prams, and you see the even stupider ones trying to take their wee bairns on red graded trails on bikes with stabilisers and all kinds of daft shite. Maybe those cyclists had just seen enough of it that day or something. Just because people have children, it doesn't mean "have consideration for other users" doesn't apply.

That's completely ignoring the fact that OP said it is usually quiet and they regularly cycle around there with no issues. I don't think it happening once when every time before that has been absolutely fine means that they now shouldn't do this family activity together.

It sounds like he copes incredibly well on these rides usually, it was just unfortunate that day where every loud noise seemed to happen all within a short span of time and sent him over the edge.

CrazyGoatLady · 28/10/2025 20:24

Kirbert2 · 28/10/2025 19:07

That's completely ignoring the fact that OP said it is usually quiet and they regularly cycle around there with no issues. I don't think it happening once when every time before that has been absolutely fine means that they now shouldn't do this family activity together.

It sounds like he copes incredibly well on these rides usually, it was just unfortunate that day where every loud noise seemed to happen all within a short span of time and sent him over the edge.

I'm not suggesting they shouldn't cycle together. Just that particular route at a busy time (when likely to be noisier/more overstimulating) might be best avoided. It's really not rocket science and it's not suggesting families with disabled kids shouldn't go out on bikes.

Barnbrack · 28/10/2025 20:35

Fairyintheforest · 26/10/2025 09:50

This thread is a reminder of how many people are in the privileged position of never having needed to try and physically move an autistic 7 year old mid- meltdown.

I'm just trying to picture how that would look with my son. He's 7, he's very big for his age. Cycling is really regulating for him so this is a very unlikely scenario but if it did happen I'd probably haul the bike out of the way then attempt to get my body Infront of him to get my arms under his armpits and lift him off the path semi upright in a hug. I'd get pummelled and punched and possibly kicked. I'd definitely be injured/injured myself lifting him against his will. I'd still do it because I agree leaving a child on a path isn't safe but it definitely would not be trivial

Kirbert2 · 28/10/2025 20:42

CrazyGoatLady · 28/10/2025 20:24

I'm not suggesting they shouldn't cycle together. Just that particular route at a busy time (when likely to be noisier/more overstimulating) might be best avoided. It's really not rocket science and it's not suggesting families with disabled kids shouldn't go out on bikes.

Which is what they already do? It sounds like they just got unlucky this one time.

CrazyGoatLady · 28/10/2025 21:13

Kirbert2 · 28/10/2025 20:42

Which is what they already do? It sounds like they just got unlucky this one time.

If your kid has a meltdown, the sensible thing to do is assess what caused it and reassess whether that thing is within the kid's capacity at that time, whether you need to avoid that same place for a bit, whatever. Maybe it's not an issue for OP - in which case she can crack on. She's the parent and knows her DS best. But then both her and her DH need to understand that not everyone is going to be thrilled about having to stop their own activity while they deal with a mid meltdown child and they will need to suck that up rather than getting aggy and swearing and actually making things worse when you're trying to calm things down for the kid.

Actually, maybe the DH could use some work on his window of tolerance!

Kirbert2 · 28/10/2025 22:28

CrazyGoatLady · 28/10/2025 21:13

If your kid has a meltdown, the sensible thing to do is assess what caused it and reassess whether that thing is within the kid's capacity at that time, whether you need to avoid that same place for a bit, whatever. Maybe it's not an issue for OP - in which case she can crack on. She's the parent and knows her DS best. But then both her and her DH need to understand that not everyone is going to be thrilled about having to stop their own activity while they deal with a mid meltdown child and they will need to suck that up rather than getting aggy and swearing and actually making things worse when you're trying to calm things down for the kid.

Actually, maybe the DH could use some work on his window of tolerance!

They were stopped for a few seconds which is occasionally going to happen on a shared path. The cyclists swearing because they just couldn't wait for a few seconds in the first place is what made things worse, there was no need for it.

CrazyGoatLady · 29/10/2025 02:05

Kirbert2 · 28/10/2025 22:28

They were stopped for a few seconds which is occasionally going to happen on a shared path. The cyclists swearing because they just couldn't wait for a few seconds in the first place is what made things worse, there was no need for it.

Any of us who have dealt with an autistic child having a meltdown know that dealing with a meltdown does not take "a few seconds!"

Anyway, it seems we are not going to agree. Which is fine - it's a public internet forum and that's going to happen!

Todaywillbeok · 29/10/2025 02:24

CrazyGoatLady · 29/10/2025 02:05

Any of us who have dealt with an autistic child having a meltdown know that dealing with a meltdown does not take "a few seconds!"

Anyway, it seems we are not going to agree. Which is fine - it's a public internet forum and that's going to happen!

OP said that the cyclists had to wait about 20 seconds altogether…so in this case it appears the parents were able to deal with the meltdown fairly fast…or at least the initial stages of the meltdown such that they could move the child.

Kirbert2 · 29/10/2025 03:18

CrazyGoatLady · 29/10/2025 02:05

Any of us who have dealt with an autistic child having a meltdown know that dealing with a meltdown does not take "a few seconds!"

Anyway, it seems we are not going to agree. Which is fine - it's a public internet forum and that's going to happen!

OP said that it took about 20 seconds to move him. There is no need to swear after 20 seconds, surely?

CrazyGoatLady · 29/10/2025 03:27

Hilarious that y'all actually think 20 seconds is accurate. I can assure you having dealt with many an autistic meltdown in my time it will not have taken 20 seconds to peel a melting down child off the floor 😂

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 29/10/2025 08:28

CrazyGoatLady · 29/10/2025 03:27

Hilarious that y'all actually think 20 seconds is accurate. I can assure you having dealt with many an autistic meltdown in my time it will not have taken 20 seconds to peel a melting down child off the floor 😂

But OP can't possibly be minimising the problem to make others who didn't want to wait around for her lack of action seem like the issue. Her kid got off the bike, laid on the floor. So she stopped and got off, DH is stopped and off. Cyclists then arrived, she sits there "soothing" in the middle of the cycle path, cyclists make comments, DH was swearing, then she's got the kid out of the way, and the other cyclists were arseholes. In 20 seconds. Ok.

As PP says, some parents think autism is some kind of magic word that means you are more important than other people in your environment, and other people are in fact arseholes if they don't pander to your importance. Our kids are our priority, but you can't automatically expect everyone else to make them such and get aggy when they don't. And the sad thing is, as this thread proves, it's rarely the child that anyone has issue with. It's the parents being ineffective and/or entitled with expectation. Naturally, parents like that won't have it that they are the problem, so default to the narrative that "people have such disdain for disabled children" with the confidence that no one would dare challenge that, as if they do, will get told they too clearly have a problem with disabled children.

As the mother of a disabled child, this attitude does most of us a real disservice. There are some other posters on the thread, in similar positions, who it's a breath of fresh air to read their comments. Comments of accountability. Comments of what the parents could think about and how their actions affect others. Comments of consideration being a two way street.

You get good parents and bad parents in all walks of life. Strict parents. Lazy parents. Disney parents. Authoritarian parents. The notion that parents of disabled children aren't capable of poor parenting is just bizarre. Just like everyone else, some parents will be great and some not so. Everyone has their off days, and it's fine to sit back, reflect and say; you know what, I could have handled that better.

Italiandreams · 29/10/2025 08:55

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 29/10/2025 08:28

But OP can't possibly be minimising the problem to make others who didn't want to wait around for her lack of action seem like the issue. Her kid got off the bike, laid on the floor. So she stopped and got off, DH is stopped and off. Cyclists then arrived, she sits there "soothing" in the middle of the cycle path, cyclists make comments, DH was swearing, then she's got the kid out of the way, and the other cyclists were arseholes. In 20 seconds. Ok.

As PP says, some parents think autism is some kind of magic word that means you are more important than other people in your environment, and other people are in fact arseholes if they don't pander to your importance. Our kids are our priority, but you can't automatically expect everyone else to make them such and get aggy when they don't. And the sad thing is, as this thread proves, it's rarely the child that anyone has issue with. It's the parents being ineffective and/or entitled with expectation. Naturally, parents like that won't have it that they are the problem, so default to the narrative that "people have such disdain for disabled children" with the confidence that no one would dare challenge that, as if they do, will get told they too clearly have a problem with disabled children.

As the mother of a disabled child, this attitude does most of us a real disservice. There are some other posters on the thread, in similar positions, who it's a breath of fresh air to read their comments. Comments of accountability. Comments of what the parents could think about and how their actions affect others. Comments of consideration being a two way street.

You get good parents and bad parents in all walks of life. Strict parents. Lazy parents. Disney parents. Authoritarian parents. The notion that parents of disabled children aren't capable of poor parenting is just bizarre. Just like everyone else, some parents will be great and some not so. Everyone has their off days, and it's fine to sit back, reflect and say; you know what, I could have handled that better.

Well you have completely put your own spin on a situation that you didn’t see, about a child you don’t know. You know even children with autism are individuals.

There are times I can distract and calm my child quickly, there are times I can’t. We walk home from school everyday, and once ( in over a hundred journeys) he had a melt down on the way home. Should I avoid that? We did block the path, and for a lot longer than 20 seconds.

What would have been better parenting?

Fearfulsaints · 29/10/2025 09:08

Ah yes, the meltdowns that most definitely 100% take longer than 20 seconds to get a child move to the side, but also anyone taking longer to achieve moving to the side than the stated 20 seconds which is clearly a lie, is ineffective and pandering.

Where is the sweet spot of a realistic lenghth of time that doesnt tip to pandering

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 29/10/2025 09:20

Italiandreams · 29/10/2025 08:55

Well you have completely put your own spin on a situation that you didn’t see, about a child you don’t know. You know even children with autism are individuals.

There are times I can distract and calm my child quickly, there are times I can’t. We walk home from school everyday, and once ( in over a hundred journeys) he had a melt down on the way home. Should I avoid that? We did block the path, and for a lot longer than 20 seconds.

What would have been better parenting?

Were you entirely blocking a path potentially as a safety risk to other people in order to suit your situation best? Could people simply go around you/cross the road etc.

In this instance, OP says she was out of the way in 20 seconds. Doubtful given the reaction of her DH and others. But the point is, there was somewhere to move too. Soothe away for an hour, simply move 5ft or whatever it is, so everyone is equally considered.

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 29/10/2025 09:21

Fearfulsaints · 29/10/2025 09:08

Ah yes, the meltdowns that most definitely 100% take longer than 20 seconds to get a child move to the side, but also anyone taking longer to achieve moving to the side than the stated 20 seconds which is clearly a lie, is ineffective and pandering.

Where is the sweet spot of a realistic lenghth of time that doesnt tip to pandering

You haven't quite grasped who the expectation of pandering is aimed at. It's not at the parent.

Fearfulsaints · 29/10/2025 09:27

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 29/10/2025 09:21

You haven't quite grasped who the expectation of pandering is aimed at. It's not at the parent.

Who is it aimed at then as this hasn't helped me grasp it either?😂

Italiandreams · 29/10/2025 09:27

everyone was considered, the child was moved. We also must considered the child. Sorry but I think people seem to be forgetting the child and what is best for them, focusing on the cyclist and the parents.

What would have been better parenting though? You didn’t explain. The child was moved, they possibly did continue to soothe when they were moved, they possibly did take a few seconds to process and assess situation.if they moved the child there were obviously room to do so . I wasn’t there, don’t know. But the parents showed consideration for the child and the cyclists.

Avantiagain · 29/10/2025 09:41

"Cyclists then arrived, she sits there "soothing" in the middle of the cycle path."

It was a towpath not a cycle path. If the cyclists didn't want to deal with people stopping or otherwise getting in their way, they shouldn't have been on the path.

Todaywillbeok · 29/10/2025 09:50

CrazyGoatLady · 29/10/2025 03:27

Hilarious that y'all actually think 20 seconds is accurate. I can assure you having dealt with many an autistic meltdown in my time it will not have taken 20 seconds to peel a melting down child off the floor 😂

We can only comment on the situation as it’s presented. Not going to start guessing games about whether OP is telling the truth or not. I’ve also dealt with autistic meltdowns in case that matters. It will take ages for the child to calm down properly of course, but if OP says she was able to move him off the path in a timely fashion I don’t see any reason to doubt her.

MissDoubleU · 29/10/2025 09:55

Loop earplugs won’t stop him hearing things, just take away the extremity of it.

It is very, very bad form to have your child wear a massive “I’m disabled” cowbell around their neck. For so many reasons. Do research into this. I’m ASD (dx in childhood) and find it very distressing when people treat their children this way.

Apart from all the other arguments why - You shouldn’t have to show/prove diagnosis. It shouldn’t matter. The child is in distress and for whatever reason that is there should be a base level of respect for it. Every child deserves that. It won’t help your son to wear this or have your DH shout “he’s autistic” as the reason they should be patient.

CrazyGoatLady · 29/10/2025 10:34

Todaywillbeok · 29/10/2025 09:50

We can only comment on the situation as it’s presented. Not going to start guessing games about whether OP is telling the truth or not. I’ve also dealt with autistic meltdowns in case that matters. It will take ages for the child to calm down properly of course, but if OP says she was able to move him off the path in a timely fashion I don’t see any reason to doubt her.

I do doubt the OP has made a realistic assessment of the time taken to safely move a melting down child, from both parenting and professional experience.

I also think it's likely the cyclists' estimation of the time they were held up by this was an overestimation.

It's a natural human response that we will usually minimise our assessment of time when we are causing delay and inflate it when we are delayed or inconvenienced!

I think it is also likely that OP was doing her best in a difficult situation. and the cyclists and the DH overreacted. All of these things can be true at the same time.

Cyclists likely have not had the exposure to autistic kids or the understanding to comprehend what was going on. Instead of explaining calmly and de-escalating, the DH chose to be aggy. Male posturing rarely makes anything better.

I still stand by what I said about it being a hazard to others on a narrow path that is for mixed use if your child is liable to stop suddenly and lie down. IME families do not always choose their cycling locations to best suit their child's level of ability/capacity to cope. But sure, could be a one off for OP's family and she is best placed to assess that for the future.

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