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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you have a SEN child, would you be comfortable with this?

348 replies

Beetrootisthesecretingredient · 26/10/2025 08:43

Context: DS7 is autistic. Verbal but with lots of sensory issues and is very rigid.
Yesterday we went cycling along the canal tow path, one of our usual Saturday activities. Its usually quiet and we have a nice time cycling to a certain bridge and back. DS is very noise sensitive. Yesterday there was a series of unfortunate events (in our world): someone using a chain saw, a baby cried and then a loud car backfired, all within 2 mins of each other. DS leaps off bike screams and cries and lies on the tow path. Meltdown.
This happened on a very narrow bit of towpath. At this exact same time 4 older male cyclists in all the lycra wanted to overtake us. DP went to DS to sooth/move out of way. Cyclists have now stopped and said loudly 'FFS just move him out of the way'.
I replied 'it won't take a second he's upset'.
More grumbling and general unkindness from cyclists. DP then loudly called cyclist 'inconsiderate twat'.
DP now wants to get DS a high vis vest that says 'I am autistic please be patient ' but I feel uncomfortable about it.
Fwiw we have a sunflower lanyard but these cyclists either didn't know what it represents of didn't care and DP just doesn't want to get in that situation again.... which ended with all stressed and called people twats.

OP posts:
222days · 27/10/2025 12:39

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 27/10/2025 12:16

No one was suggesting OP and her husband 'drag' their 7 year old across the ground, especially in such a way that would potentially break bones. I mean really. How ridiculous to suggest that was the only other option they had and that OP was 'clearly' risk assessing that situation. She was not risk assessing anything. People are making shit up.

He's 7. They could have picked him up and moved him, and they would have had he been having a meltdown or throwing a tantrum on a road.

FFS

Posters have indeed suggested she should have dragged him away across the ground.

My children are similar ages. They are heavy and strong. It certainly would not be safe for them or me for me to lift them while they were having a meltdown without calming them first. I don’t think you have any idea what you’re talking about.

A child having a meltdown is not in control of their body or reactions: it is the result of their nervous system becoming overloaded to the point where they are in panic and distress. Being touched without being calmed first and knowing that a calm, safe person like their parent is protecting and helping them may increase this panic because of their sensory issues. They could easily lash out and accidentally seriously injure an adult if forcibly picked up, or thrash around causing the adult drop them resulting in broken bones or a head injury. Equally if they landed without significant damage they could in their panic to get away have fallen into the canal.

It would have been completely inappropriate for the OP to do this and create these risks of serious harm when they were completely unnecessary and she could calm him sufficiently to move off the pathway safely within a few seconds, and that the only negative impact of this choice was cyclists having their day delayed by 20 seconds. This, in any reasonable universe, is obviously the right decision when the two sets of possible negative consequences are compared, and that’s just in terms of the immediate situation before considering the fact that “dragging him across the ground” with no compassion is the opposite of the behaviour required to teach him gradually how to emotionally regulate so that he will become a functional adult which is in everyone’s interests.

Frankly anybody who thinks otherwise is the person who doesn’t belong in public spaces rather than it being the autistic child who shouldn’t have been there. And perhaps people who know nothing about autism should either learn something about it, listen to those who do, or keep their ignorant opinions to themselves and accept that - whether they like it or not - people with disabilities have just as much right to use public spaces as they do, without being verbally abused.

ByeByeThyroid · 27/10/2025 12:48

How long were you going to make them wait for him
to stop lying on the floor ?

222days · 27/10/2025 12:49

ByeByeThyroid · 27/10/2025 12:48

How long were you going to make them wait for him
to stop lying on the floor ?

OP has specifically stated they had to wait for 20 seconds. Presumably you didn’t bother to read her posts?

RubySquid · 27/10/2025 12:51

RoostingHens · 27/10/2025 12:23

Just pick up five stone of dead weight?

5 stone 7 year old? But doable with 2 adults yes

ByeByeThyroid · 27/10/2025 12:52

222days · 27/10/2025 12:49

OP has specifically stated they had to wait for 20 seconds. Presumably you didn’t bother to read her posts?

No I did I’m just saying that it’s not unreasonable to be a bit frustrated at seeing a child flail about on a tow path with parents doing fuck all to move them out of the way

x2boys · 27/10/2025 12:53

ByeByeThyroid · 27/10/2025 12:52

No I did I’m just saying that it’s not unreasonable to be a bit frustrated at seeing a child flail about on a tow path with parents doing fuck all to move them out of the way

It was 20 seconds if an adult can't wait 20 seconds, then it's,them with the problem.

ByeByeThyroid · 27/10/2025 12:54

Oh and being sworn at by the dad isn’t acceptable either. At what point did you think about other people in the situation? Would they have been allowed to wheel their bikes past him? Or would that have upset him and you more ? If he’d done this on a road you’d have had to move him

Todaywillbeok · 27/10/2025 12:55

ByeByeThyroid · 27/10/2025 12:52

No I did I’m just saying that it’s not unreasonable to be a bit frustrated at seeing a child flail about on a tow path with parents doing fuck all to move them out of the way

They were calming him to allow him to be safely moved I think, not ‘doing nothing’.

222days · 27/10/2025 13:03

ByeByeThyroid · 27/10/2025 12:52

No I did I’m just saying that it’s not unreasonable to be a bit frustrated at seeing a child flail about on a tow path with parents doing fuck all to move them out of the way

In your imaginary situation someone might rightly have been frustrated.

However, in this situation the parents were not “doing fuck all to move them”. The parents were in the process of moving him safely and simply asked the cyclists to wait for a few seconds while they did so, yet the foul-mouthed cyclists started swearing at the parents in front of their distressed child. That is disgusting and quite obviously totally unacceptable behaviour.

RoostingHens · 27/10/2025 13:04

ByeByeThyroid · 27/10/2025 12:54

Oh and being sworn at by the dad isn’t acceptable either. At what point did you think about other people in the situation? Would they have been allowed to wheel their bikes past him? Or would that have upset him and you more ? If he’d done this on a road you’d have had to move him

‘If he had run into the motorway with ten other children, whilst drinking vodka shoots and playing with matches…’

He wasn’t on a road so what they would have done then is irrelevant. He was lying down safely on a tow path. What would you have said if it was a boater pulling in his canal boat to moor it so the rope was across the tow path for 30 seconds blocking the tow path?

222days · 27/10/2025 13:05

ByeByeThyroid · 27/10/2025 12:54

Oh and being sworn at by the dad isn’t acceptable either. At what point did you think about other people in the situation? Would they have been allowed to wheel their bikes past him? Or would that have upset him and you more ? If he’d done this on a road you’d have had to move him

Read the thread. The false analogies to a road where there was an immediate danger outweighing the danger of moving the child without calming him a little first have already been discussed.

Why comment on something when you quite clearly hadn’t read the OP’s posts let alone anything else. “Cancel the cheque..”

222days · 27/10/2025 13:06

RoostingHens · 27/10/2025 13:04

‘If he had run into the motorway with ten other children, whilst drinking vodka shoots and playing with matches…’

He wasn’t on a road so what they would have done then is irrelevant. He was lying down safely on a tow path. What would you have said if it was a boater pulling in his canal boat to moor it so the rope was across the tow path for 30 seconds blocking the tow path?

👏👏👏

The weird false analogies and bizarre conjectures are getting more and more insane, aren’t they?

“What if the child was carrying a machete and had tried to attack the cyclists!!!”

Todaywillbeok · 27/10/2025 13:06

ByeByeThyroid · 27/10/2025 12:48

How long were you going to make them wait for him
to stop lying on the floor ?

I think if a wheelchair user’s chair had somehow got stuck on the path and people had to wait a minute or two while it was being freed they’d be much more accommodating.

Autism is a disability too!

It’s not okay to simply drag a disabled person out of the way!

If the child’s life was in danger, eg on a busy road, that would be a different situation, but here? The cyclists needed to be more considerate and better behaved.

222days · 27/10/2025 13:13

Todaywillbeok · 27/10/2025 13:06

I think if a wheelchair user’s chair had somehow got stuck on the path and people had to wait a minute or two while it was being freed they’d be much more accommodating.

Autism is a disability too!

It’s not okay to simply drag a disabled person out of the way!

If the child’s life was in danger, eg on a busy road, that would be a different situation, but here? The cyclists needed to be more considerate and better behaved.

Absolutely.

The clear prejudice against autistic people oozes from these posts and is rather nauseating.

222days · 27/10/2025 13:31

@Beetrootisthesecretingredient I hope your little boy is doing ok today. I know from my children what a big impact incidents like this can have on them. It takes them often 24 hours or more to truly recover from sensory inputs having pushed them to the point of meltdown, and then afterwards they feel humiliated, particularly if this has happened in public. I hope he is ok, and at least it is half term so he can have lots of calm and happy family time to feel comfortable again.

The world is a cruel place and as we can see from this thread there are a great many unpleasant people in it, and it’s such a hard job as a parent - but particularly the parent of an autistic child - to teach them how to navigate this and cope with it.

You are doing all the right things. Protecting him from vile people, teaching him how to regulate, but not wrapping him in cotton wool and locking him a cellar as many posters here would have you do because his existence might occasionally cause an inconvenience of a few seconds to others and instead encouraging him to explore the world and participate in normal activities and gradually learn how to cope with that even if sometimes things go wrong.

You behaved entirely appropriately, caring for your son safely, minimising the inconvenience to others as much as was possible without creating unnecessary and unacceptable risks of harm to your son psychologically or physically, so just keep doing what you’re doing and give him lots of love and hugs and tell him this was not his fault and that the people who behaved in this deplorable manner were just bad people. Autistic children have a huge tendency to beat themselves up emotionally and blame themselves for things, particularly at this age where they start to be more aware of their differences. It’s disgusting that there are adults who would deliberately make this harder for them and abuse you and your husband for treating your son humanely and parenting him well, following all of the appropriate advice from experts about how to safely manage such a situation. Such people should be ignored entirely.

And definitely do not put a sign on him saying “I’m autistic”. Sadly you just have to learn to have a thick skin to deal with the ignorant, horrendously entitled and selfish people you encounter. It’s hard. But you seem like a really good parent giving him opportunities to push his boundaries and build his tolerances and learn the skills of how to cope and regulate when he becomes overwhelmed rather than hide away and not be able to learn how to function and contribute to society as an adult and live a fulfilling life, all for the fear of upsetting some idiotic cyclists.

Keep going and PM me if you’d like to. I can understand why you might not want to come back to this thread given some of the disgraceful, spiteful and ignorant and discriminatory comments that have been made by various posters. Sadly any post about autism on Mumsnet attracts them like a swarm of wasps to a glass of wine, but that isn’t representative of how most people think of behave in my experience. Best to just make a wasp trap and let them drown in the glorious honey of their spite and focus on your son, continue treating him with compassion and kindness, keeping him safe, and helping him to have as much access as possible to “normal” childhood experiences as you can, as you seem to be doing already.

Kirbert2 · 27/10/2025 13:43

Todaywillbeok · 27/10/2025 13:06

I think if a wheelchair user’s chair had somehow got stuck on the path and people had to wait a minute or two while it was being freed they’d be much more accommodating.

Autism is a disability too!

It’s not okay to simply drag a disabled person out of the way!

If the child’s life was in danger, eg on a busy road, that would be a different situation, but here? The cyclists needed to be more considerate and better behaved.

Unfortunately some people can be incredibly impatient when it comes to wheelchairs too. It wouldn't surprise me at all to find some tutting in that situation or for some to hold the opinion that wheelchair users should avoid those paths if there's a risk they might get stuck for a minute or two.

I find that it's worse because my son is a child and he doesn't 'look' disabled other than his wheelchair. People always seem surprised when he can hold a conversation with them.

Burntt · 27/10/2025 13:54

I have a friend who has a similar message on little business cards she gives to tutting arseholes judging her child in meltdown. They always say sorry and give them space never get nasty. It a good solution without the public outing if your child’s SEN. I personally am not comfortable doing that as I don’t have the confidence and fear confrontation but if I was able I would because the public shaming of SEND behaviours is upsetting.

Todaywillbeok · 27/10/2025 14:43

Kirbert2 · 27/10/2025 13:43

Unfortunately some people can be incredibly impatient when it comes to wheelchairs too. It wouldn't surprise me at all to find some tutting in that situation or for some to hold the opinion that wheelchair users should avoid those paths if there's a risk they might get stuck for a minute or two.

I find that it's worse because my son is a child and he doesn't 'look' disabled other than his wheelchair. People always seem surprised when he can hold a conversation with them.

Edited

I’m very sorry to hear that. My mother was a wheelchair user in later years and she found she was treated differently in many ways, as if she were invisible, and as if she had cognitive as well as physical difficulties. People did usually stand back to allow her through though.

222days · 27/10/2025 15:11

Kirbert2 · 27/10/2025 13:43

Unfortunately some people can be incredibly impatient when it comes to wheelchairs too. It wouldn't surprise me at all to find some tutting in that situation or for some to hold the opinion that wheelchair users should avoid those paths if there's a risk they might get stuck for a minute or two.

I find that it's worse because my son is a child and he doesn't 'look' disabled other than his wheelchair. People always seem surprised when he can hold a conversation with them.

Edited

How awful.

There does seem to be a tendency for people to treat physically disabled people as though they are cognitively disabled, speaking about them rather than to them or treating them as though they are stupid. And meanwhile we have people dismissing the support needs or physical pain of people with hidden disabilities and pretending that somehow if the person’s difficulties are not visually obvious to a random stranger then this means that their disability is imagined or a choice. 🤔🙄

One can only hope that in time things improve and there is less ignorance, but in the meantime it’s best not to give such ignorant and nasty people any headspace even if they become infuriated and abusive as these cyclists did.

Kirbert2 · 27/10/2025 15:19

Todaywillbeok · 27/10/2025 14:43

I’m very sorry to hear that. My mother was a wheelchair user in later years and she found she was treated differently in many ways, as if she were invisible, and as if she had cognitive as well as physical difficulties. People did usually stand back to allow her through though.

Some people seem almost....sceptical? that a child who isn't also cognitively disabled would need a wheelchair. It's almost as if some people forget that not all children are born disabled and sometimes children need wheelchairs due to accidents/illness.

I've had people ask me why is he in a wheelchair, can he walk at all etc all very personal questions that I feel like they wouldn't ask an adult wheelchair user.

Kirbert2 · 27/10/2025 15:23

222days · 27/10/2025 15:11

How awful.

There does seem to be a tendency for people to treat physically disabled people as though they are cognitively disabled, speaking about them rather than to them or treating them as though they are stupid. And meanwhile we have people dismissing the support needs or physical pain of people with hidden disabilities and pretending that somehow if the person’s difficulties are not visually obvious to a random stranger then this means that their disability is imagined or a choice. 🤔🙄

One can only hope that in time things improve and there is less ignorance, but in the meantime it’s best not to give such ignorant and nasty people any headspace even if they become infuriated and abusive as these cyclists did.

Edited

Absolutely. This has definitely been our experience.

They will say something to me and looked shocked if my son answers or I can see the looks when he's acting like a 'typical' 9 year old chatting away and they clearly weren't expecting it.

He's underestimated simply because he's a wheelchair user.

222days · 27/10/2025 15:28

Kirbert2 · 27/10/2025 15:23

Absolutely. This has definitely been our experience.

They will say something to me and looked shocked if my son answers or I can see the looks when he's acting like a 'typical' 9 year old chatting away and they clearly weren't expecting it.

He's underestimated simply because he's a wheelchair user.

That must be so awful for you to see. It must be hard enough for him to have his mobility restricted and unable to run around with his friends but to have people then exclude him from conversations and speak “over” him as though he can’t answer for himself, feeling like he has to prove himself to people that he is capable of engaging with them directly, poor boy. I don’t know why people can’t engage their brains and think, and understand such basic concepts as the obvious fact that someone’s body might have problems while their brain is working just fine, or vice versa.

Kirbert2 · 27/10/2025 15:34

222days · 27/10/2025 15:28

That must be so awful for you to see. It must be hard enough for him to have his mobility restricted and unable to run around with his friends but to have people then exclude him from conversations and speak “over” him as though he can’t answer for himself, feeling like he has to prove himself to people that he is capable of engaging with them directly, poor boy. I don’t know why people can’t engage their brains and think, and understand such basic concepts as the obvious fact that someone’s body might have problems while their brain is working just fine, or vice versa.

It is hard for him. One day he could run around and play football with his friends and now that will likely never happen again, it's a lot for an adult to come to terms with, never mind a child.

We have an open conversation about it and we both agree it's incredibly silly that some people think that just because his legs don't work correctly, it doesn't mean the same for his brain as well. I always encourage him to speak for himself and thankfully, his confidence has never faltered. He knows without a doubt that the issue is the silly people, not him.

222days · 27/10/2025 15:44

Kirbert2 · 27/10/2025 15:34

It is hard for him. One day he could run around and play football with his friends and now that will likely never happen again, it's a lot for an adult to come to terms with, never mind a child.

We have an open conversation about it and we both agree it's incredibly silly that some people think that just because his legs don't work correctly, it doesn't mean the same for his brain as well. I always encourage him to speak for himself and thankfully, his confidence has never faltered. He knows without a doubt that the issue is the silly people, not him.

It absolutely is them. Idiots.

It must be so difficult for him to come to terms with not being able to run and play like that. So hard. 😔He sounds extremely brave and you sound like a wonderful mother. 💐

Kirbert2 · 27/10/2025 15:51

222days · 27/10/2025 15:44

It absolutely is them. Idiots.

It must be so difficult for him to come to terms with not being able to run and play like that. So hard. 😔He sounds extremely brave and you sound like a wonderful mother. 💐

He's incredibly brave. He's been through so much and talking to him, you'd never guess it. He just wants to chat about Roblox and football and Halloween. He is so positive and kind and never lets what happened get him down.

Thanks.