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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell SIL I know what she said to ds?

104 replies

Nat6999 · 25/10/2025 23:31

Sil & I have never really got on, it started on the day I got married when she kicked off accusing me of ignoring her when we were doing the receiving line going into the reception, I honestly didn't know what planet I was on by that stage, meeting lots of my husband's family & friends I had never met before & didn't intentionally miss her out. Over the years there have been many sly digs & comments which I have ignored for the sake of my brother & parents. My mum has been seriously ill in hospital, a month ago she was fit, well & independent until a uti has left her unable to walk well & with delirium which the hospital say will pass with time. She is due to be discharged in the next few days but needs some adaptions to help her around the house which my brother & sil are sorting for her. I have been staying with my mum before she was admitted to hospital & have stayed to look after the house. My brother & sil have been down the last couple of days installing the adaptions & moving furniture around to make the house safe for my mum & her zimmer frame, today my brother was outside installing some of the stuff & my sil decided to start moving around everything in the kitchen, I asked her to not move all the things that we regularly use as they are in a convenient place for mum to not have to bend or reach to get them, sil flipped & told me that she didn't like me & knew that I didn't like her, as soon as my mum has gone her & my brother no longer wished to have any contact with me or ds. I was quite upset by this as I love my brother dearly, but didn't argue, they left soon afterwards. When they had gone ds rang me & I was in tears telling him what had happened, he went very quiet & then told me while he had been sat in A & E with my mum, sil had told him that when he was young she had fully expected to have to bring him up as we weren't really fit to be parents. I know she had been deeply jealous when I got pregnant as unknown to us at the time her & my brother were dealing with infertility, there was no reason though that me & exh were in any way unfit to be parents, if anything we worked twice as hard at it as exh had been diagnosed with MS a month before ds was born. What she said has deeply upset ds, I can't keep quiet about this, I feel I need to confront her about what she said, I won't have anyone upsetting my ds in such a cruel way.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 25/10/2025 23:38

I think you should just speak to your brother. Tell him you don’t want your sister in law to come near your son again.

BruFord · 25/10/2025 23:41

I agree with @Guavafish1. What she said to your son (I’m that he’s a young adult) was horrendous and she doesn’t deserve to have a relationship with you or him.

BillyBites · 25/10/2025 23:44

Oh gosh, how very upsetting.
Could you speak to your brother about it, rather than directly to her at this point?

SummerInSun · 25/10/2025 23:46

I can see how you feel, but a major war between you and your SIL, which your brother will get dragged into, is not going to be good for your mother’s recovery. I’d leave it alone for now, other than of course telling your DS what nonsense it all is.

HedwigEliza · 25/10/2025 23:51

You won’t gain anything from confronting her. You really won’t. It’ll only lead to yet more unpleasant things being said. Just leave well enough alone and avoid her as much as humanly possible. This isn’t a battle you want to fight.

GhoulsJustWannaaHaveFun · 25/10/2025 23:56

If you're going to say anything at all to her you need to get your DS's permission to repeat what she said.

Check he didn't tell you in confidence otherwise he'll never trust you again and that'll be something else she's ruined.

Summerboozing · 25/10/2025 23:59

I think you need to put space between you and your awful SIL. You should tell your brother why, you can ask him not to tell her if you think it will blow up and make things more difficult for your mum.

I think you should tell your SIL that she was totally out of order in telling your son you were unfit parents, that he's not used to ignoring her nastiness the way you are, and you don't want her to engage with you or your son again.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 26/10/2025 00:00

For the sake of your DM you need to separate the two matters. Talk directly to your DB and tell him what his DW said, basically so he knows you know.
You and DB can support your DM. SiL can be involved if she wants but you won't engage with her. She's made her bed...

Original poster
Nat6999 · 26/10/2025 00:02

He is 21, so not a child, he said he doesn't mind me saying something, had he not been sat at my mum's bedside he says he would have said something himself. I've had a conversation with exh tonight, he said if she had said it in his company she would have escorted her out the door on the end of his foot.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 26/10/2025 00:07

Is there any point in confronting her, she will probably deny it anyway. I would concentrate on looking after your mum and not give this woman another minute's thought. You and your son don't have to have anything to do with her. If your brother wishes to see you separately then he can still do so.

AyrshireTryer · 26/10/2025 00:19

Simply what do you gain by speaking to her? Nothing.
What do you gain by speaking to brother? He gets pulled into the argument or he steps away from her or you when he takes sides.
Distance yourself and your son from her. Tell your son never to be alone with her.

Driftingawaynow · 26/10/2025 00:22

Don’t do anything while you’re angry

BruFord · 26/10/2025 00:27

I suppose my thought is that bullies need to be confronted rather than avoided. Otherwise they get away with their behavior.

I also think it’s important for your brother to know what his wife said to his nephew. Do you think that he’ll side with his wife and pull away from you? I know they if I said something so horrible to a member of my DH’s family, he’d be angry with me and expect me to apologize!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 26/10/2025 00:34

Keep away from SIL and speak with your brother about the crazy ass things his wife is saying to his family. Tell him you love him and want a relationship with him and are upset that SIL told you that he plans to cut you out after your mum dies.

MarshaMel · 26/10/2025 00:34

Definitely say something but say it in a way where you don’t want the back and forth conversation about it otherwise she will throw abuse at you.

How do you get on with your brother?

She sounds vile.

Original poster
Nat6999 · 26/10/2025 00:40

I think the reason it has bothered me so much is as a child when I was in Junior school we had a teacher & one of the girls in the class was her niece, the girl bullied me badly & told me one day that she had overheard her aunt say that my parents were unfit to look after me & I was going to be taken away from them & put in a home. I was terrified for years afterwards every time there was a knock on the door that it would be someone coming to take me away, I didn't tell my parents until I was in my forties, mainly because they were very law abiding & I was terrified that if anyone did turn up they would make me go, I was only about 9 or 10 at the time.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 26/10/2025 00:42

I wouldn’t give her my energy, but I’d ask to meet db and try to keep that relationship. Suggest that the relationship between you and sil has broken down on both sides so best the two of you keep in touch separately so as not to build further upset. Draw a line and cut the bitch out totally.

XWKD · 26/10/2025 00:50

She's a lunatic. Nothing you say or do will make any difference. Jettison her from your life like the walking sewage that she is.

WaryHiker · 26/10/2025 00:57

I would definitely tell my brother exactly what she had said to me and exactly what she had said to my son. Why are people suggesting you are avoidant about that? It makes no sense to me. It feels very British to cover up what happened and gloss over it and say there is no point in telling anyone or you should rise above it and be dignified etc. Bullies operate in exactly this sort of culture of silence and avoidance.

I would probably put it in a very clear email to him, and it's up to him whether he shows her or not. He's your family member, not her. It may be that he agrees with her about what she said to both of you. In which case, he can come out and say so, and you will know where you stand in future.

Or he may be horrified and address it with her in whatever way he chooses. But if he doesn't know, you've removed that choice from him. Surely, you would have wanted to know if your ex-husband was saying things like that to members of your family?

Things like this fester away in darkness and secrecy. Shines some daylight on it, and let the chips fall where they may.

BruFord · 26/10/2025 01:00

Well said @WaryHiker.

Onthemaintrunkline · 26/10/2025 01:40

This SIL of yours appears to have quite a lot to say! An awful lot about your family and most of it, by the sound of things hugely inappropriate.

I couldn’t imagine being in my MIL’s kitchen taking it upon myself to rearrange that lady’s kitchen whilst her daughter was there, she appears not only mouthy but not short on confidence either!!

Her comments re your son were unbelievably out of order, what a cheek, I’m feeling so annoyed on yr behalf!

She sounds a sour, unpleasant controlling piece. No pleasure being anywhere near here I’d have thought. Hold on to your relationship with your brother though, don’t let her steal that from you. I hope yr Mum is home soon and
recovers well.

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 01:47

Keep your son away from this abusive woman. Your job is to protect him, not tolerate anyone else. Be as calm as possible about it, but do it.

And explain calmly to your son and in language he can understand that she is emotionally unstable and that's why you won't be having anything to do with aunt loony ever again.

Don't allow anybody else to discuss it with you or try to persuade you. Just pleasantly and calmly keep reiterating that she is deeply unpleasant, damaging to your child and that life is too short to allow abusive people to have power over you, and therefore you won't be spending time with her anymore.

Emotional and psychological abuse is harmful to children. Protect your son from her abuse.

Edited to add, I see he is an adult. Too late really, should have been done years ago. But there's no reason you have to continue to tolerate her abuse, at all.

Rosiedayss · 26/10/2025 01:37

Definitely tell your brother everything she has said to you and your son.

She sounds unhinged.

OriginalUsername2 · 26/10/2025 01:51

She wants a fight, don’t give her one. Think of her as a rude child in the family that you have to tolerate and focus on MIL.

Purplerubberducky · 26/10/2025 01:51

I would just speak to your brother. Explain what happened and that to you it was completely out of the blue.
keep calm to make sure you come across as the rational person and ask if your brother has any idea about what is going on and why.