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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell SIL I know what she said to ds?

104 replies

Nat6999 · 25/10/2025 23:31

Sil & I have never really got on, it started on the day I got married when she kicked off accusing me of ignoring her when we were doing the receiving line going into the reception, I honestly didn't know what planet I was on by that stage, meeting lots of my husband's family & friends I had never met before & didn't intentionally miss her out. Over the years there have been many sly digs & comments which I have ignored for the sake of my brother & parents. My mum has been seriously ill in hospital, a month ago she was fit, well & independent until a uti has left her unable to walk well & with delirium which the hospital say will pass with time. She is due to be discharged in the next few days but needs some adaptions to help her around the house which my brother & sil are sorting for her. I have been staying with my mum before she was admitted to hospital & have stayed to look after the house. My brother & sil have been down the last couple of days installing the adaptions & moving furniture around to make the house safe for my mum & her zimmer frame, today my brother was outside installing some of the stuff & my sil decided to start moving around everything in the kitchen, I asked her to not move all the things that we regularly use as they are in a convenient place for mum to not have to bend or reach to get them, sil flipped & told me that she didn't like me & knew that I didn't like her, as soon as my mum has gone her & my brother no longer wished to have any contact with me or ds. I was quite upset by this as I love my brother dearly, but didn't argue, they left soon afterwards. When they had gone ds rang me & I was in tears telling him what had happened, he went very quiet & then told me while he had been sat in A & E with my mum, sil had told him that when he was young she had fully expected to have to bring him up as we weren't really fit to be parents. I know she had been deeply jealous when I got pregnant as unknown to us at the time her & my brother were dealing with infertility, there was no reason though that me & exh were in any way unfit to be parents, if anything we worked twice as hard at it as exh had been diagnosed with MS a month before ds was born. What she said has deeply upset ds, I can't keep quiet about this, I feel I need to confront her about what she said, I won't have anyone upsetting my ds in such a cruel way.

OP posts:

SamphiretheTervosaur · 26/10/2025 07:27

From experience you will gain nothing from trying to make sense of this.

For your own sanity have one single talk with your brother. Tell him you don't want anything done you just want to say this to him and then leave it... give him a potted version of the history, detail of her latest and tell him that because of her own actions she is not welcome in your life or that of your son. That you will 'make nice' for your mother's sake and will fully expect her to do the same

Then leave it with him. He has to live with her. He may or may not agree with her. You have to come to terms with that and not let it become any part of who you are. That's them, not you!

nosleepforme · 26/10/2025 07:28

She’s made herself look like a right idiot! She doesn’t need help, you don’t need to say anything

Teenageboymum · 26/10/2025 07:31

I would have to say something.

if probably say to the brother, this is what has been said to your son at your mothers bedside and as such you don’t want any contact from her again at all. You hope that you and brother can still communicate to help support your mother etc.

get her gone.

Gibstub · 26/10/2025 07:35

What a dreadful person. What does your brother think of her comments.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 26/10/2025 07:35

Ignore your SIL

Call your brother and arrange to meet up / go for a drink solo and lay it out to him.

A he is apparently going NC with you once your mother dies.
B. He had notions of raising your child because you were unfit - this is the first ypu know about it... oh and and SIL told this fabricated bullshit to your son who is deeply upset and confused by it.

EdithBond · 26/10/2025 07:57

Nat6999 · 26/10/2025 00:40

I think the reason it has bothered me so much is as a child when I was in Junior school we had a teacher & one of the girls in the class was her niece, the girl bullied me badly & told me one day that she had overheard her aunt say that my parents were unfit to look after me & I was going to be taken away from them & put in a home. I was terrified for years afterwards every time there was a knock on the door that it would be someone coming to take me away, I didn't tell my parents until I was in my forties, mainly because they were very law abiding & I was terrified that if anyone did turn up they would make me go, I was only about 9 or 10 at the time.

That’s such a horrible, traumatic experience, OP. But some people are just really nasty: usually because they’re unhappy.

Your SIL has acted v unreasonably and been nasty to both you and your son at a time everyone should be all be extra kind to each other. It’s your mother who’s been ill, not hers.

I strongly advise you to discretely and calmly speak to your brother about what SIL said to both you and your son (at his grandma’s A&E beside!). Tell your brother you love him and would be devastated if you didn’t see him regularly, as family is so important. I’m sure he’d want to carry on seeing you, even if SIL doesn’t.

Try not to let what SIL said get to you. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your son, and he sounds lovely. You know you’ve been good parents to him, even though it must’ve been so challenging with his dad’s diagnosis.

I know it’s hard, but try to see the funny side and rise above it. SIL obviously has resentment in her heart and can’t control her tongue. Poor mental health or menopause can be a factor in making people have outbursts or say nasty things. Not an excuse, but possibly an explanation. Whatever, it’s her problem, not yours. All you can do is keep being polite and kind to her. Don’t rise to it.

However, if she says anything of that nature to you again, it’s best to politely challenge her: “Is everything OK? You seem very unhappy. Don’t you think it’s better to be kind to each other, as we’re family. It’d be easier if you keep your opinions to yourself if they’re not nice”. Calmly and politely make your boundaries clear.

Happyjoe · 26/10/2025 08:03

Keep well away as much as possible in future, she's awful. Am so very sorry. Do everything you can to maintain a relationship with your brother, though I presume she's going to start making that a bit difficult. What a shame this woman has been allowed to drip her poison. I would tell her brother in a factual manner, don't slag her off because to do that makes it even harder for him.

Oh, with delirium and my father in law we have had a fair bit of experience. It can take a while to return back to normal levels, sometimes it never happens at all and are left with cognitive issues. We just lost my FIL in June, having had a second bout of delirium which he never came out of after a year, his brain was gone. But, the first time about 7 years ago we had him live with us for several weeks once discharged, to allow him a pressure-free way to improve but he still was only about 90% 'him' and used to do some very strange things that made no sense.

Anyway, you were right, not only because of easy reach, moving your mums things around in the kitchen was the wrong thing to do because your mum may already be struggling with confusion and to move things around is going to make it harder for her. Try and keep most things as they were if possible around the whole house.

Owly11 · 26/10/2025 08:07

Your sil sounds very happy to cause high levels of conflict and upset to get her own way. In other words she is a nasty vicious bully who attacks people's vulnerabilities to get her own way. Someone needs to deal with her but i don't think it should be you as you are feeling very vulnerable right now. This requires a team approach where a group of people in the family all have a united strategy to stand up to her and stop her bullying. If you don't stand up to her now she is going to run absolute riot when your mother dies. This does need addressing but you need a solid, united group of you with an agreed strategy.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 26/10/2025 08:08

I voted YABU in that I don’t think you should confront her. What do you hope will
happen if you do? She’s just going to double down and be really nasty because that’s clearly what she does. She’s just a horrible person and you’ll be better off with her out of your life. Be ready to pick up the pieces when your brother realises how horrible she is.

olympicsrock · 26/10/2025 08:10

I would speak to DB . Tell him firstly that you feel it’s important not to move things around in your mothers home. It would be confusing and difficult for her.
Secondly tell him what has been said. Tell him that you love him and don’t want to end your relationship with him . Have nothing more to do with SIL .

comoatoupeira · 26/10/2025 08:10

Don’t do anything that makes it your son’s fault that he confided in you.

wizzywig · 26/10/2025 08:19

Be prepared to lose your brother over this x

JetFlight · 26/10/2025 08:20

I think you should talk to your brother but start it with the concern over what your sil said about your relationship with your brother and tell him that you love him very much and are sad that he feels this way. Then let the conversation take its course.
You’ll pick up cues on whether your brother will be willing to listen or defend his wife.
follow those cues because you don’t want to be falling out with your brother.
This gives a stepping stone into getting everything out in the open now or having a further conversation at another time.

scoopoftheday · 26/10/2025 08:23

If this were my brother he'd take SIL side.

@Nat6999 do you live with your mum?

I wonder do they resent coming round to sort things out and reorganise when you're living there?

There was still absolutely no need for the rudeness to you or your DS.

dmango · 26/10/2025 08:25

Hi, I know this is horrible and will be very painful but from experience of having a toxic sister in law who seems determined to encourage everyone to think badly of me to. I would say if you respond she will enjoy the drama and.
My sister in law has recently planted some pretty horrible seeds about me and I have moments of feel temptation where I want to set her straight but I truly believe I would just give more fuel to the vitriol, so I'm just ignoring it and practicing how to let it go in my own mind. I think it was Michelle Obama who's said, 'when they go low, we go high.'
As my wonderful daughter in law said to me, 'I'm so sorry you're having to go through this," it's really horrible and I'm sorry but it's really her issue and not yours. x

rollinginthedeepsea · 26/10/2025 08:34

I had similar in the sense of my father in law spreading rumours, saying nasty things behind my back. It lead to years of toxic behaviour from him and upset to me. I kept quiet for years to keep the peace, obviously he carried on and it did cause a major fall out in the end. If my mother in law was around it probably would have been easier to deal with as opposed to directly with him. We are no longer in contact for my sanity.

Don’t keep quiet . She’ll carry on and on and it will escalate.However, how you say something is important! Don’t go to her directly. Calmly repeat what she said to your brother with along the lines of we won’t listen to that talk, we won’t put up with her behaviour and calmly do not respond to her.if you say nothing, she has nothing to retaliate and believe me it will look all on her. Afraid your brother is a bit stuck in the middle and he will probably take her side to keep the peace but the issue is on HER and indirectly your brother to sort out

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 26/10/2025 09:03

She’s a horrible person and it sounds like she’s always been jealous of you. I think you need to cut contact or at least limit it as far as possible.

I think you should check in with your brother, though, and ask him whether he really plans to cut you off after your mother dies.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 26/10/2025 09:05

Did they ever go on to have their own children in the end?

Specialagentblond · 26/10/2025 09:07

I’d take a different approach- I would confront her in front of your brother. Say oh yeah btw SIL thanks for helping out with mum bit it’s obviously taking its toll on you. I was a bit upset after what to said in the kitchen but put it down to stress, but then DS told me what you said to him which was also entirely unacceptable. Then later put exactly what was said.
Then look at both of them and say ‘What’s going on because we will not tolerate this behaviour’

Ocelotfeet27 · 26/10/2025 09:08

I would just tell your brother. Are you aware that XX said ABC to me and DEF to DS? Hopefully he's unaware and will handle it. But generally I'd say try to just ignore her.

Blueblell · 26/10/2025 09:30

Do you you think she is actually trying to provoke you into a fallout for some reason? If so I would not give her the satisfaction or allow her to ruin your relationship with your brother. I would talk to your DB and tell him what SIL said to you in the kitchen and that you don’t want to lose your relationship with him in the future. Then I would tolerate her from a distance.

Phobiaphobic · 26/10/2025 09:49

It takes just one psycho bitch to ruin a whole extended family.

Cherrysoup · 26/10/2025 09:54

I think you need to speak to your brother. Does he have the same opinion as her? Does he even know what she thinks?

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 26/10/2025 10:02

I think you need to talk to your brother without her around.

Original poster

Nat6999 · 26/10/2025 10:40

ICanDoThisOnMyOwn · 26/10/2025 06:03

Can I ask why you told your DS what she said about not wanting contact with yourself or your DS? I’d have kept that from my DS as it’s not nice to hear!

I was very upset, he knows how things are between her & me, he has had run ins with her in the past.

OP posts:

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