To tell SIL I know what she said to ds?

[Nat6999]

Sil & I have never really got on, it started on the day I got married when she kicked off accusing me of ignoring her when we were doing the receiving line going into the reception, I honestly didn't know what planet I was on by that stage, meeting lots of my husband's family & friends I had never met before & didn't intentionally miss her out. Over the years there have been many sly digs & comments which I have ignored for the sake of my brother & parents. My mum has been seriously ill in hospital, a month ago she was fit, well & independent until a uti has left her unable to walk well & with delirium which the hospital say will pass with time. She is due to be discharged in the next few days but needs some adaptions to help her around the house which my brother & sil are sorting for her. I have been staying with my mum before she was admitted to hospital & have stayed to look after the house. My brother & sil have been down the last couple of days installing the adaptions & moving furniture around to make the house safe for my mum & her zimmer frame, today my brother was outside installing some of the stuff & my sil decided to start moving around everything in the kitchen, I asked her to not move all the things that we regularly use as they are in a convenient place for mum to not have to bend or reach to get them, sil flipped & told me that she didn't like me & knew that I didn't like her, as soon as my mum has gone her & my brother no longer wished to have any contact with me or ds. I was quite upset by this as I love my brother dearly, but didn't argue, they left soon afterwards. When they had gone ds rang me & I was in tears telling him what had happened, he went very quiet & then told me while he had been sat in A & E with my mum, sil had told him that when he was young she had fully expected to have to bring him up as we weren't really fit to be parents. I know she had been deeply jealous when I got pregnant as unknown to us at the time her & my brother were dealing with infertility, there was no reason though that me & exh were in any way unfit to be parents, if anything we worked twice as hard at it as exh had been diagnosed with MS a month before ds was born. What she said has deeply upset ds, I can't keep quiet about this, I feel I need to confront her about what she said, I won't have anyone upsetting my ds in such a cruel way.

Totally agree. There's too much secrecy, you need to get things out in the open! Don't let this bitch get away with it! She's banking on you not saying anything. Your brother has a right to know what she's been saying!

I have a SIL like this, my brother has always sided with her, despite the absolutely evil thing she says and way she treats everybody. He’s lost 99% of his family because of her, and seems completely clueless as to the reason why nobody has anything to do with them. No friends, no family. I’m now no contact and much happier, in fact, I hadn’t realised how much this woman was drowning me when I had been going through treatment for a very serious and life threatening health issue. And listening to her whine on about her pathetic, bitter, petty life while I was worried I’d be leaving my DC without a mum, yeah that should’ve been the final straw, but another lesson learned. Never again!

She sounds awful but I wouldn't bother confronting her, I'd just calmly tell my brother that I won't be interacting with her from this point forwards due to her behaviour and summarise these two encounters in as neutral a way as possible.

She sounds like a very bitter and jealous person

I've told him, he didn't give a shit, just said that I hadn't been the best parent. Sil was supposed to have been following him down, but I heard him on the phone & she never turned up. I've told ds to blank her if she turns up when he is here & I'm going to do the same, I'm not taking that kind of crap from anyone, I'm so angry, if I had said that to his kids he would have gone mad with me.

I've been staying the last few weeks since Mum started to need someone around, she had a fall about 6 weeks ago & it is easier than being on the end of the phone, I could make sure she was eating & drinking properly & taking her meds. It was a good job I was there, nobody else thought about it being a UTI, but when they only gave her a 5 minute phone call once a week, what can you expect?

This kind of nastiness festers in secrecy. I would consider having a meeting with just your brother and DS. Just tell him what happened and what has been happening over the years. Don't make any demands on him, just let him digest and deal with it in his own time. For all you know, he also suffers from her appalling behaviour and has been too bullied/ashamed to tell anyone else.
I would also consider writing to her setting out what your relationship will be like going forward (if any) and the reasons why. Be as clinical and detached as you can be.
Whatever her problem is, and it is HER problem, there's no reason for you to dragged into her need for attention, validation, and drama.
I hope your mum improves, this must be incredibly worrying for you.

I'm usually a great one for walking away and not giving my time or energy to people who behave in the way your SiL does. Either I consider a person is worth my time, or they're not. But on this occasion even I wouldn't have stayed silent. Your brother's response is also repulsive and at least you now know where you stand.

You've done the right thing in confronting your brother, and in your shoes I'd be far more angry with your him than I would be his oboxious wife. He's the one who is related to you and he's also a grown adult who is 100% responsible for his words and actions. Your parenting, incidentally, is none of his or his wife's business.

IME such people don't change; the only thing you can influence is your own responses. I'd take this as a gift. They've shown you who they are, and you can now let that knowledge guide the amount of time you are willing to expend on these people. In your position my time of day wouldn't be much.

Sorry you've found yourelf in this painful and frustrating position.

I’m so sorry @Nat6999 , what a nasty pair. I agree with @SerafinasGoose , now you know where you stand and you can decide how much contact to have in future.

What a nasty woman she is. I wonder how “perfect” mother she was herself. You clearly have a lovely relationship with your son and she is jealous of that. Be kind to yourself.

They’re both as bad as each other. He has chosen his bed so to speak.

grey rock is your friend here - and remember it would suit her and your brother if you fell out with them as they will leave you to take care of your mother.

hang tight.

Similar situ with my 'D'B . I'm NC with him after he took SIL's side and refused to believe me but he chose to believe her awful lies. Seems my SiL is out of the same mould as yours; ditto our 'D'B's.

It's a relief to be rid of them both tbh!

I've decided that when she crawls out of whatever hole she is hiding in & we meet face to face again I'm telling her that she is not to speak to ds again, I had a long conversation with exh & he agrees that we say it is our decision, not ds. I'm going to make it clear that it is just her he will no longer have a relationship with, not my brother.

She doesn't know I have some information that would blow their marriage apart, I'm keeping that in reserve for after my mum is gone, then I will light the fuse & walk away.

Well, that’s really not the big fuck off you think it is. Your son is an adult. If he wants no contact then he has to say that otherwise it’s just hot air and feeding her. She’ll laugh at you. If the big marriage breaking secret involves your brothers behaviour, affair etc. then tell him you plan to tell her unless she stops. That way he will control her and make her leave you alone.

That’s fucked up. Don’t use the boy as a weapon.

It's not, ds is too polite to tell her himself, he said that when she said what she said he wished he had turned round & said something back, but he has been brought up to always be polite to adults, he is autistic, everything is black & white to him, I've got to do what I can to protect him.

Him answering as an adult does not equal mum of said adult forbidding someone to talk to him!

UPDATE
Ds went to the hospital yesterday as his dad is in after a major accident & popped up to see my mum, my brother turned up about 10 minutes after ds got there. Ds mentioned to him that he had spoken to my mum's social worker about getting her a referral to the Community Dental Service as somewhere between home & the hospital her false teeth had gone missing, my brother practically dragged him off the ward & proceeded to scream in his face that mum's care is nothing to do with him & to keep his nose out. Ds rang me in tears, I had to text his parter who was sat with his dad to meet him to calm him down & give him a cuddle. Ds no longer feels he can visit his Nan any more, she is likely to be coming home soon once a care package is set up & reading through the lines my brother & sil will be spending a lot of time at mum's, ds is very close to his nan, he's always treated her house as home, we both lived there for 6 months when I split from his dad & when my dad died he moved in with her so she wouldn't be on her own, he is devastated. It's got to the stage now that I'm going to go no contact with my brother & sil, I'm fed up of the way they have treated both of us, social services are trying to force us to work together but it's impossible.

Going NC sounds a very good idea. I’d be tempted to send him a text telling him how unacceptable his behaviour is but maybe it’s better to say nothing.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Do you think they are angling for an inheritance and that's what this behaviour is about? I hope not but have heard about it so many times from friends and wider family that I think it must be a more widespread behaviour than we'd like to think. Perhaps they think they can persuade DM to cut your family out of the will. Go no contact with them if you like but don't let them take over all care - people that will behave like this cannot be trusted. I'm sorry to say that about your brother but his behaviour is troubling.

Your brother and sister in law are the lowest of the low to treat your son in such a manner. To scream at his nephew is nothing short of bullying. Your brother thinks he is a big man. How would he feel if someone spoke to his children like he spoke to your son. He clearly was only trying to help his grandmother. I would definitely go very low contact. Mind your peace.

I’d send a very calm message asking him never to speak to my son like that again. Make sure your DS gets to visit his nan with you present as back up. Don’t let this bully of a man win.

SIL knows what she's doing by saying that to DS, cruel witch. DS is bound to tell you.

Get on the phone to your brother and tell him in no uncertain terms, not to go near DS. That you want a word with him to put things straight, and will not be excluded from DM's life, if that's what he & SIL are about.

It definitely wouldn’t be untrue to tell the sw that you have safeguarding concerns about your DB and SIL, they don’t sound fit to care for a vulnerable person

THIS. ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
Hopefully a member of staff saw how he behaved and can confirm it.
Don’t let the nasty buggers drive your son away from seeing his gran.

This!