To tell SIL I know what she said to ds?

[Nat6999]

Sil & I have never really got on, it started on the day I got married when she kicked off accusing me of ignoring her when we were doing the receiving line going into the reception, I honestly didn't know what planet I was on by that stage, meeting lots of my husband's family & friends I had never met before & didn't intentionally miss her out. Over the years there have been many sly digs & comments which I have ignored for the sake of my brother & parents. My mum has been seriously ill in hospital, a month ago she was fit, well & independent until a uti has left her unable to walk well & with delirium which the hospital say will pass with time. She is due to be discharged in the next few days but needs some adaptions to help her around the house which my brother & sil are sorting for her. I have been staying with my mum before she was admitted to hospital & have stayed to look after the house. My brother & sil have been down the last couple of days installing the adaptions & moving furniture around to make the house safe for my mum & her zimmer frame, today my brother was outside installing some of the stuff & my sil decided to start moving around everything in the kitchen, I asked her to not move all the things that we regularly use as they are in a convenient place for mum to not have to bend or reach to get them, sil flipped & told me that she didn't like me & knew that I didn't like her, as soon as my mum has gone her & my brother no longer wished to have any contact with me or ds. I was quite upset by this as I love my brother dearly, but didn't argue, they left soon afterwards. When they had gone ds rang me & I was in tears telling him what had happened, he went very quiet & then told me while he had been sat in A & E with my mum, sil had told him that when he was young she had fully expected to have to bring him up as we weren't really fit to be parents. I know she had been deeply jealous when I got pregnant as unknown to us at the time her & my brother were dealing with infertility, there was no reason though that me & exh were in any way unfit to be parents, if anything we worked twice as hard at it as exh had been diagnosed with MS a month before ds was born. What she said has deeply upset ds, I can't keep quiet about this, I feel I need to confront her about what she said, I won't have anyone upsetting my ds in such a cruel way.

Cut her out of your life and tell your brother discreetly why. She sounds utterly toxic.

First answer nails it.

And you don’t want your SiL anywhere near your mother while she’s recuperating. Her outburst was pretty outrageous.

She’s nasty and nuts - an awful combination.
Don’t give her the satisfaction of a confrontation but do speak to your brother or see if your son is willing to speak to his uncle which would be better all round.
Then avoid her like the plague!

Clearly she is a very unhappy woman.
After my dad died my brother started picking fights, setting traps, then when I didn't react managed to find the most trivial reason.
I suspect he wants to drive a wedge, get someone to choose him, make him feel the most important.

Have a chat with your brother. Say to him something the lines of " is jane ok? I'm really worried about her. She said some very strange things the other day about ....xyz( fill in the gaps)
Is everything ok? Is she unwell?"

Rather than go on the attack in a - keep her away from me kind of way.

I'd be absolutely raging, OP.

This. I'm in the "Don't let her get away with it" camp too. Perhaps your son could tell his uncle what she said in his own words.

I wouldn't speak with her about it. You've had a lot of grief and things to deal with throughout your life, by the sounds of it. I would see a counsellor and get it all out there and just create a good relationship with your brother. Anything you say to her will add fuel to the fire and increase her 'victim hood' stance, forcing your brother to take her side. Family can be so difficult.

Your son is an adult, if anyone should be talking to your brother it is him (if he wants to) When and if anything happens to your DM you will need a lot of support you won't be getting it from your brother and SIL you will need your sons support, let him decide now whether he wants to say something to his uncle.
I say this as someone whose BIL dislikes me and mine, it is not worth confrontation believe me.

She's lucky she hasn't had a slap in the face. I'd warn your brother you won't be so tolerant next time.

I do not agree with avoiding this at all . Boundaries are needed here with the truth behind thrm or god knows what could be said by her about the situation . Hold your boundary firm in her behaviour with her and see your bother . Bring her behaviour out now and in the past as I bet it’s escalated over time cos she’s had no boundaries

I applaud you for keeping calm in that situation, I would've lost it with her. I agree with others no point confronting her as that's what she wants, a chance to argue or fight so she can cry to your brother and say let's cut you off as you hurt her feelings 🙄
Just speak to your brother and explain what happened and tell him to keep her away from you. What you went through as a child was awful and no doubt it's hit you hard, people like that are so vile and typically jealous.
Maybe after you speak to your brother you feel feel better, but down the line don't expect him to show up as she will make sure he doesn't. As sad as that is I'm afraid it's the reality these days.
Hope your mum gets better soon and is well enough to be independent again 🙏

You need to tell your brother about how nasty his wife is. Then tell him to keep her away from you and your son.

Can I ask why you told your DS what she said about not wanting contact with yourself or your DS? I’d have kept that from my DS as it’s not nice to hear!

She’s horrible. But I agree this isn’t a fight to have with her. She’ll be vicious and abusive to a level you will not be able to match as a decent human and you’ll feel beaten down by her. Speak to your brother and let him know what’s been happening and say that you want to continue to have a relationship with him but not his wife. This goes for your son as well. If she sends abusive texts keep evidence. Then block her. I hope your brother has a pair of balls and supports you.

OP I don’t think this is something you can keep to yourself and given your update l think your son would support you in confronting the issue. I believe in tackling things head on, but with your mum’s health issues maybe right now isn’t the time to do it.

When your mum is settled at home and you think the time is right, maybe ask to see DB and SiL together so that there is no suggestion that you are going behind anyone’s back.

Tell your DB factually everything that’s been said, including what was said to your son, and the recent nasty exchange in the kitchen. Tell him that SiL has implicated him too. Be open and truthful and ask him if he’s aware of what’s been going on, whether he supports it, as SiL seems to be suggesting, and if so, why.

It seems from what you’ve said, that these exchanges have so far been confined to when you and SiL are alone together. She’s said inappropriate things to your son and you need to find out whether she’s also been doing the same with your brother, and depending on what’s been said, you can take it from there. I honestly think you’re on the road to a bust up with her at some point so it might as well be on your terms. You need to take control.

I thought the same, but on reflection l think it’s something he needed to hear, given the things SiL said to him. It reinforces that SiL is the one with the problem, not OP.

How is your relationship with your DB? Will he believe you? If she's that awful to you, she probably has been poisoning him against you for a while.
If you speak to him be careful, as she is likely trying to cut you off from him.
What I would do is to talk about your feelings rather than accusing her. Tell him you felt awful the other when SIL spoke to you and that DS felt the same when she spoke to him. And for that reason you would rather avoid her.
She really sounds like she is trying to isolate him so I would be wary that he is being abused too.
Good luck OP, I hope your DM improves. x

You are dealing here with really amounts to a nasty piece of work. Your best bet is to keep as far away from her as possible, keep your family, home, activities etc as far away as possible. If she passes any comments and you hear them from other people just say: 'I don't take any notice of what she says'. Wash, rinse, repeat until it either ends or does not affect you any more. Life really is too short to be bothering yourself with her ilk. She won't change.

The problem is that OP didn’t know anything had been said to her son until he told her. So OP has no idea what SiL may have said to DB. SiL has already told OP neither she nor DB will have any contact with her once DM passes, so clearly something is amiss and without confronting the issue head on, OP stands to lose her relationship with DB without ever knowing why.

make a note but now is the time to deal with your mum and you and your brother being at odds when she needs you to rally isn’t the best. And all that will happen is you being blamed for causing problems when your mum is ill. Wait till after and have a calm conversation with your brother. Alone. In a neutral setting.

and be mindful that her and DB may have both been talking badly about you. It may not just be her.

I wouldn’t talk to her but I would tell your brother what she’s said and see what he has to say. I agree it’s possible he’s also been bad mouthing you, maybe not to your son but possibly him and his wife bitch about you to each other. She must surely have known what she said would get back to you?

At least he’s old enough to cope with it I guess. My mother said something similar to Dd when ddwas about 11yo for absolutely no reason and I cut her out my life. Dd recently as an adult told me the nasty things my mum used to say about me to her had been going on for as long as she could remember and I had no idea. If your son was younger I’d say keep him away from the pair of them!

I'd do this too. Speak to him about what was said to ds and to you.

l totally agree that OP should say something and that now is not the right time because of her mums’ illness. But l wonder if, when she does decide the time is right, whether she would be better confronting SiL and DB together. It seems to me that SiL’s MO is to sideline the people involved so that no-one else is privy to what’s being said.

From what she’s said to OP about both her and DB cutting contact after DM passes, so l think it’s important that OP knows what has been said to DB and that he, in turn, knows what’s been said to others. Better to do this in SiL’s company than leave herself open to accusations of the same underhanded methods that SiL is guilty of.

Agree with this 👆