Friend critical of my parenting - AIBU to think I’m doing nothing wrong here?

[stubbedit]

One of my friends has complained a few times now that I talk to my children using ‘baby talk.’ To be honest, the first time I just ignored it. The second time I glossed over it but when she brought it up again I defended myself a bit and said that I actually don’t. She said ‘well, you don’t talk like you’re talking to me!’ and proceeded to complain that I’m higher pitched and thinks it’s caused speech problems in dc1.

I am actually pretty pissed off about it.

Do you really care? Is your friend an authority? Just tell her you do it your way, she does it hers. I am sure you are an excellent mother and the baby talk usually finishes about three as the children start to really speak by then. She probably thinks she is one of the new parent authorities but is probably as ignorant as the next. Do you !

Tell your friend it’s called Motherese, also known as infant-directed speech, which is a style of communication with exaggerated pitch, simplified vocabulary, and a sing-song rhythm that adults use when speaking to babies. It helps with language development.

Speaking this way holds their attention, emphasising language sounds.

Studies show infants prefer and respond better to this type of speech than to typical adult speech.

Most people use a different tone and pitch when talking to young children.

OP- my friend upset me because she was telling me how to parent
Mathanxiety- here's several long monologues on how to parent
😕😕😕😕😕

It helps with development and is done across the world. I find it more annoying when people talk to young children like adults.

I can’t imagine any of my friends being that rude and opinionated about my parenting. I think your friend is the problem here. Nobody asked her opinion.

Not her problem OP.

I have a friend with two toddlers. In my own very secret opinion her voice to them is excruciating and bordering on performative. However, she's a mum doing her best in the quagmire of raising twins, so who am I to voice my judgement. I assume she wont talk to them like that when they're 20, so its not really an issue.

If your eldest is 4, I’d be surprised if you haven’t already received plenty of unsolicited parenting advice. I even had strangers on the street giving me advice, e.g. on how wrapped up they were.

If it appears well-meant, then take it in the spirit it’s given, smile and say: “Thanks, useful to bear in mind”. Take it into account, consider NHS advice and latest research. But make your own decisions. If she gets really persistent, you could say: “I guess we all parent differently”.

There’s no one way to parent. Everyone has conflicting views and things that have worked for them. “You should breastfeed as long as possible” - “You shouldn’t breastfeed more than 6 months”. Sleep training v co-sleeping. Weigh it all up, look at research. Then do it how you see fit.

As far as I know, a child won’t have a speech problem due to the tone their mother talks to them in. Your friend was being judgemental. I’m sure she wouldn’t like you judging her about how she parents her grown up kids or behaves with her partner.

The important thing is to talk to children. Talk through what you’re doing and why, what you see on walks, the colour of the sky and the shape of the clouds, pictures in books. Ask for their opinion, to help them learn: “Which is your favourite colour in this picture? Why’s that your favourite?”. Play role play games, like shops. These days, when so many parents and children occupy themselves with screens, chatting and doing things together is the most important thing.

I also used to have talk radio on in the kitchen: BBC 5 Live on weekdays. And I think hearing talking in the background may have helped mine a bit with absorbing speech.

Your posts are witty and funny, and really, if you talk to a two year old in a bit of a baby voice, it’s hardly crime of the century is it! Make a joke of it with your friend and maybe it’ll take the sourness out of her voice.

Ignore. I’ve been called a helicopter parent as I won’t let my 8yo down to the shops with a friend by themselves. Whatever.

It’s none of her business.

My kids are 5. Obviously I talk normally to them the vast majority of the time, but sometimes we talk a bit of baby talk (eg when they’re tired and going to bed, or first thing in the morning when we have sleepy hugs). They love it! And have no speech issues.

The sing song inflection, higher pitch baby talk has a name it's 'parentese' and is actually really important for language development in the early years.

I really don't think saying "Let's change your nappy shall we bubs?" as opposed to "Cecil mother will change your nappy now," is a pipeline to a life long issues with authority. It's just a turn of phrase.

This!

I used to call my DD a pet name, a sort of sing song version of her actual name (hard to explain without actually saying the name). Someone told me she would be confused and not know what her real name was. Honestly, some people are absolutely ridiculous. DD is now 15 and has never been unsure what her name is.

Just crack on an ignore the judgy comments from your friend. Does she have redeeming features? She doesn’t sound very nice from what you’ve said so far. I’m not sure I’d want to be friends with her.

"Complained"? Is she under the impression that she has some sort of authority here? What next - she doesn't like the colour you've dressed him in? Bizarre.

I think a slightly higher pitch is ok (I even do that to my dog) but I am totally against baby talk as in using silly words instead of real words (it’s a train not a choo choo type stuff).

There’s a big difference between how you speak (ie the sounds you make) and the content of speech.
Parentese is considered to be a good way of communicating with babies because of the sounds. However, the content should be correct - don’t say a dog is a ‘woof-woof’ or a car is a ‘ brum-brum’ for example. Use complete sentences - ‘let’s change your nappy’ rather than ‘change nappy’.
Having taught in EYFS, many children don’t speak on grammatically correct sentences. They’ll say ‘can go toilet’ rather than ‘can I go to the toilet’. Now I teach older children, some of them still talk the same - ‘I’m going mosque tonight’.
Reading stories, especially those that rhyme, is a great way model speech sounds with the rise and fall and intonation slightly exaggerated. It massively helps children when they eventually start learning phonics.

Honestly, I see the username mathanxiety and I scroll right past because I already know it’s going to miss the point and be weirdly obsessive about little details.

I think you’re being a wee bit harsh on mathanxiety. What she says may/may not be relevant to you but it does make some useful points - which I have heard from speech therapists,too.

Having taught in London before I think saying "I'm going park" for older kids is a kind if informal speech/ dialect thing, not a lack of understanding of syntax. I'm not saying I don't agree about modelling complete sentences.

Maybe if I’d said ‘I’m terrified of my two year old having a tantrum when out in public, how can I avoid it’ - but that’s nothing like the post, is it?

“You seem to have a lot of opinions about my child, his speech and my parenting… I don’t remember asking for anything from you. Stop criticising me for subjects you know FA about.”

I am very old. In my opinion there are millions of ways of bringing up children. As many ways as there are parents. If your children are loved, safe, clean and fed, then you are doing brilliantly.

I’ve read that, too. A slightly higher pitch, speaking more clearly, emphasising key words - all helpful to babies/very young children whose brains are busy absorbing a vast mass of language.