Friend critical of my parenting - AIBU to think I’m doing nothing wrong here?

[stubbedit]

One of my friends has complained a few times now that I talk to my children using ‘baby talk.’ To be honest, the first time I just ignored it. The second time I glossed over it but when she brought it up again I defended myself a bit and said that I actually don’t. She said ‘well, you don’t talk like you’re talking to me!’ and proceeded to complain that I’m higher pitched and thinks it’s caused speech problems in dc1.

I am actually pretty pissed off about it.

No one has mentioned tantrums @mathanxiety but I’m genuinely not sure what the issue is. If my toddler is getting a bit screechy because she wants something and I can’t give it to her right that second, is saying in a slightly higher pitch than normal ‘oh DD, it’s OK, mummy’s coming!’ really the cause of society’s downfall? I don’t think it is but who knows!

I speak differently to my kids too. More expressive. I think it’s natural and helps them understand nuances.

It is normal and observed across all cultures to address young children with a higher pitched voice and to use pet words for things. Ignore this idiotic friend

What's wrong with referring to 'mummy' in the third person? I still do that with my 8 and 4 year old...

Adding the additional sound to words like birdie or doggy is helpful because it tends to accentuate the sounds in core word.

DS had a speech delay back in the days of Sure Start centres. I did a child development course with them, and engaged with the health visitors early on and was doing all the "right" things, talking in "motherese" running commentary as we went through our day, building sentences "look at the doggie! It's a big, black dog". By the time he started school he was talking functionally. His autism diagnosis (the cause of his communication delay) followed 4 years later.

People (especially mothers) instinctively adapt their language to young children in this way because it aids their development.

DS (who is my older child) doesn’t have a speech delay per se but he does have some pronunciations which are unclear. You can understand him fine but he struggles to say ‘th’ ‘br’ and ‘sh’. So he might say ‘we are going to the sop’ - the meaning is clear enough but now he’s learning to read it’s becoming a bit more obvious as he’s doing phonics. So that’s how it’s come up.

I have been feeling a little bit cross about it which is out of character, I suppose because a) I’m not doing anything wrong and b) to me baby talk is completely different, that’s talking about ‘brum brums’ and ‘woof woofs.’

Exactly, dogs love it as well if you use more inflection in your voice. The only thing to remember in the park is that applies to everyone's dogs, so unless you want a trail of pooches wanting to find out where the fun is, maybe tone it down in public 😅

Agreed. Children and dogs here. I’d argue quite passionately that they all have advanced vocabulary understanding thanks to me and motherese 😆.

Best image ever 😂

No, but there's a happy medium.

A 2 yo should be hearing pronouns in speech directed to him -
"It's your bathtime, Cecil", instead of, "It's Cecil's bathtime".
'Me' / "I"/ "My"/ "Mine" / "You"/ "Your"/ "Yours" instead of referring to yourself or him in the third person.
They are learning language at a very fast clip. Don't limit them.

The concept of a routine, or things the toddler doesn't really want to do but that must be done all the same should be introduced -
"It's time for a nappy change, Cecil," instead of, "Shall we..."

'Shall we' hints that the nappy change is negotiable. If it is, then 'shall we' is fine.
It is how you'd make a polite suggestion to me (a 60 year old), but I'd sense any nuance in the situation whereas a toddler wouldnt.

If there are a few non negotiables in your daily life, like holding your hand when walking by a busy road or crossing the street or sitting in the trolley in the supermarket, then you need to stop giving the 2yo the idea that situations are negotiable.

You can offer a choice between two options that are both acceptable to you instead of wheedling or coaxing:
"Do you want to hold the new nappy or hold this wipe for me while I change you?"
There can be similar choices about holding your hand - right hand of left hand/ glove hand or bare hand, etc.
In the supermarket, ask the toddler to hold a certain item or see if he can help you find the oranges, or whatever.

Toddlers need to know you're not afraid to pull rank. They fear the feeling that they're in charge and that you can't deal with their big feelings.

There is psychological development aligned with language that should not be overlooked.

@mathanxiety honestly I’m being rude, I know but I zoned out after the second paragraph. And … Cecil? Really? A child called Cecil has bigger problems than pronouns.

DDs language skills are actually excellent. DS’s are not: same parenting, different kids. Neither called Cecil, though.

I speak to my son the same way i speak to anyone else ive never done the whole baby talk thing.
I have heard it and tbh i dont like it but its not me doing.

1. It‘s none of her business.
2. Tell her to google ‘motherese’ and its benefits.
3. Some of the little mispronunciations and phrases toddlers/young children use are beyond adorable and they outgrow them soon enough anyway! 🥲 me & my DH are always pestering ours to bring back some of their little younger sayings, which they sometimes do indulge us with 😂

It is irritating but it’s more forgivable talking to children in a syrupy high-pitched voice than it is for a dog (like my friend).

Tell her to bugger off and mind her own business.

I totally agree I find it so strange and judgemental. She went on about it a few times but I'm very much on the 'when you have more than 1, you'll know why' but I just let the comments slide. Thank you so much 🥰 my last baby so I'm soaking up all the baby cuddles and tiny baby grows!

I don’t quite understand why you’re fixating on how the OP gets her kids to do as they’re told when neither the OP nor her friend has actually raised discipline as an issue.

I think it's genuinely weird, how invested people are in others parenting as they do.

As long as kids are loved, cared for, fed, clothed and read to, and given some sensible level of boundaries, then as long as there's no physical or emotional abuse the specifics really aren't anyone else's business. It's a big world out there and we all have to do as works for our family.

There is no one golden way to parent. You're fine. Your kids sound great. Your friend needs to grow up a little and recognise that her need for you to parent as she would prefer is a her problem.

Why does it baffle you? I talk to ds the way I'd talk to anyone and if he doesn't understand a word I explain it and he knows for next time. Always have, he's 6 now and has an excellent vocabulary. Surely that's how they learn. I'm not sure why you'd dumb things down.

I'm contrasting wheedling and coaxing with more direct and authoritive speech.

Wheedling and coaxing often come with that baby talk tone.

She's not getting them to 'do as they're told' if she's using that style of communication and the associated tone/ pitch. She's giving them the option of refusing to do what she wants them to do.

This isn't a happy situation for toddlers.

@mathanxiety you’ve extrapolated a lot from one sentence re a nappy 😂

FWIW I think a cheery ‘let’s change your nappy!’ is far kinder, firmer and upholds a boundary better than an eulogy regarding holding wipes and all the rest of it. DD is two and mostly delightful. Sometimes she isn’t. Sometimes, I like your posts and respect them. Other times I think you have slipped your bridle to use a horse type metaphor. This is one of those times. Please don’t keep endlessly making the thread something it is not.

It’s none of her business, I think it’s a sign of affection and good for children personally

Exactly- I cannot imagine saying anything to a friend about their parenting unless it was something genuinely abusive or neglectful.

I certainly wouldn't theorise about why their child has a speech delay. DS had a speech delay due to glue ear and if anyone had suggested it was something I was doing or not we wouldn't have stayed friends tbh!

You've really extrapolated a lot about OPs parenting from not much info to be honest! I couldn't get that into the nuances of you tell your toddler you're changing their nappy. I mean isn't life complicated enough?!

I admit I talk in ridiculous baby language - to the dog.
I know it sounds ridiculous and I certainly wouldn't do it to a human, or in front of anyone else. I would look stupid at best, annoying at worst.

Haha me too! 🤣🤣

"Bye bye Boo Boo (not even his name), mummy's off to work now so you be a good boy. I've left your toys and your chewy bone on your bed. Who's a good boy? You that's who. Mummy's going to miss you but I'll see you this evening and we'll go for walkies in the park".

Then I nod to my husband and just say, "Bye, don't forget to wash up" 😁