To not want to date men who don’t have degrees?

[ForNiftyOrca]

I know this might sound snobby to some but I’ve realised I’m just not interested in dating men who haven’t been to university. It’s not about money or status, it’s about mindset. I find I connect better with people who enjoy learning, have a similar outlook and value education in the same way I do. It’s not that men without degrees aren’t intelligent or successful, I just find I’m more compatible with those who’ve been through that experience.

AIBU to have this as a dating filter or is it unfair to rule people out based on education?

Not necessarily, I’m not policing anyone else’s preferences. If someone only wants to date women with degrees, fair enough. If they don’t mind either way, that’s also fine.

I’m not saying people without degrees aren’t worth dating, just that I personally tend to click better with people who’ve had that experience. It’s not a judgment, it’s a pattern I’ve noticed in my own life.

Compatibility isn’t a rigid checklist, it’s about shared outlooks, interests and ways of relating. For me, having a similar educational background often contributes to that but it’s one part of a much bigger picture.

You can have whatever criteria you want but personally I don’t think a degree is a useful filter.
I’m degree educated, my husband isn’t. He’s intellectual, creative and successful but he’s dyslexic. We share the same values and outlook on life. He earns way more than I do and, after 23 years of marriage he is just about to get his MBA. Still hasn’t done an undergraduate degree though, his business experience and qualifications meant he could go straight to post graduate study.

You aren't being unreasonable but you absolutely are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

@AbbeyGrange No, I mean thick. like I said before, having a degree often shows that someone was able to complete a structured program of study, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect their overall intelligence, creativity, or common sense.

Yes, it’s not a very elite pool now. Maybe OP will only date from Russell Group or Oxbridge? (But that leaves out Imperial, which is neither). 🤷‍♀️

YABU to think that going to university is the only indicator of a positive mindset, or a person who might suit you.

That’s because all sorts of idiots, and all sorts of great people, do and don’t go to university.

I say this as an associate prof in the arts and humanities (so I do value education!).

Do what works for you.
University isn’t important to me but success and get up and go is. Much rather be with a builder that runs a successful business than a bloke with a media studies degree but lives at home with mum and dad at 35.

I agree. I'm 51 and I don't care.

The only people I really dislike spending time with are those with very narrow world views or who say, "I don't have an opinion," to everything.

I respect, "I don't know enough to hold an opinion on that," but, "I don't know. I've never thought about it," Well, think about it!

I understand whare youre coming from hut thwre are plenty of ways to learn and enjoy learning and not do a degree. Some people's families cant afford university. Some people wouldn't enjoy or thrive in a university environment. Studying doesnt have to involve higher education, further education can be as good a learning environment.

Some people go to university for the culture and to get away from home and for the experience and dont enjoy the learning part of it at all!

And i say this as someone with two degrees and a diploma.

I guess it’s because it’s something I’ve been reflecting on more consciously recently. It’s not that I need permission or validation but I was curious how others approach similar dating filters, especially ones that aren’t always socially popular.

We all make choices about compatibility, some people use salary as a marker, others education, religion, lifestyle, politics, etc. I posted because I find it interesting to hear different perspectives, even when they challenge mine. That’s kind of the point of AIBU, isn’t it?

By all means, have your preferred tick list but also try and stay open minded in case someone “outside the box” pops up. In my experience you can tell very quickly, within a few messages, if someone is intelligent, curious and well rounded (university education or not). I’m 50 and my boyfriend of the past year did not meet one of my criteria at all. However, it quickly became apparent that his background and educational/employment status are not at all reflective of the depth of his character. He is more knowledgeable than me on many topics I am also interested in (despite my degree and high level education 😂).

Do what you like.

I probably wouldn’t say it out loud though.

I'd say fees have put off some people, uni is less 'special' now because they're less academically selective as they now have bigger capacity to take average/good enough people than way back when you had to be practically a genius to get into uni 😆

Not everyone who went to uni can hold an intelligent conversation.
Not everyone who can hold an intelligent conversation went to uni.
I would advise to you judge each person on who they actually are, not on which education they were able to do (financially or cognitively) AND which education they choose to follow.

exactly this, people just don't say it out loud and have the common sense to know it will be controversial or hurtful.

My ex is tantamount to that. I often wish I’d just ended up with an ordinary, unassuming (but not stupid) man. I’m sure I’d have been a lot happier than I was with an educated and highly paid, but emotionally inept man. I honestly used to wish I’d chosen a kind, down to earth milkman or postman instead.

It might narrow one's options a bit though? Given that uni is majority female , overwhelmingly so in some fields.

You can date who you want and have whatever filters you want so I'm not sure why you're asking us. I also only wanted a partner with a similar outlook as myself when it came to intellectual curiosity FWIW. That's fine.

But if you're conflating "enjoyment of learning" and "valuing education" with "having a degree" I would be wondering about your own intelligence, frankly, because they're not correlated as much as you'd think.

Some of the most stupid people I've ever met have degrees - Oxbridge ones, even - but they have no interest outside their own interests and their own social bubbles. They got on the middle-class conveyor belt where university is something that just happens to you, but at no point did they develop a curiosity for anything beyond that.

And some of the smartest, most original thinkers I know don't have degrees for a variety of reasons: not brought up with that sort of privilege, chaotic stuff going on in their lives around the time most go to university, couldn't afford it, had mental or physical health issues and so on.

In short you can have whatever filters you want but to have this filter for your stated outcome is... a bit stupid.

Do as you wish but I was snobby like that. Didn't work out. Wish I married someone more practical

I pretty much had this rule on dating sites but I actually ended up with an it man who didn’t go to university. It’s more about a go ahead attitude and also I didn’t think many manual workers would want to date a senior accountant either.
so degree was short hand for professional person really.

You can date or not date anyone for any reason at all. I’m sure you don’t think you’re being unreasonable as you’re aware of this so it make me think you’re just an attention seeker to post on here about it. 🙄

Go on OP, tell us how old you are.

Not quite, I think we’re talking past each other a bit. I’m not equating no degree with being a couch potato at all. That’s not what I’m saying.

My post was about noticing a pattern in compatibility for me, that I tend to click more with people who’ve been through certain academic environments because of how they think or communicate. But I’m not applying that rigidly or using it as a blanket judgement about ambition or lifestyle.

It’s more about mental chemistry than CV checklists and I’m open to people who surprise me. I just wanted to unpack that a bit and hear how others see it.

I'm with you on wanting someone with an open and curious mind who likes learning. And your filter might broadly work but you do run the risk of cutting out a load of people based on a decision or life circumstances when they were 18

I have a masters degree and I used to think this, could not ever see myself with someone who wasn’t academic. However met my husband who has a trade and the rest is history 😬 He also earns the same or more than all the academic men I’d dated previously so I haven’t been affected negatively in that way. I make sure to nurture the academic side of my daughter (and to be fair so does he). Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone who can relate a bit more to my experiences at uni etc but this was a short part of my life, and in the scheme of what matters to me isn’t that important. As long as you have some shared interests and values. In my experience no one will match you on everything so I guess it depends on what you will compromise on, but to me this seems a lesser issue in comparison to other things.