To not want to date men who don’t have degrees?

[ForNiftyOrca]

I know this might sound snobby to some but I’ve realised I’m just not interested in dating men who haven’t been to university. It’s not about money or status, it’s about mindset. I find I connect better with people who enjoy learning, have a similar outlook and value education in the same way I do. It’s not that men without degrees aren’t intelligent or successful, I just find I’m more compatible with those who’ve been through that experience.

AIBU to have this as a dating filter or is it unfair to rule people out based on education?

Oh for sure, uni doesn’t cure “thick as mince” syndrome but it often signals curiosity, commitment and exposure to certain ways of thinking

I don’t understand this at all, and I have a degree, and a few different post graduate degrees. So, you wouldn’t ‘vibe’ with people like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates and thousands of others who can’t possibly have curiosity, commitment or exposure to thinking - because they don’t have degree’s?

One of my kids has a friend that was a uni ‘dropout’ , who is the most successful of the group of friends and who owns a waterfront house in a very high value location outright, by mid 20’s due to a very successful start up company. A company that was initiated and successful due to their curiosity, commitment, ability to think inside and outside of the box and to a high level. But that would not meet your standards, as no degree. Hopefully their standards would include no narrow minded people!

From the point of view that some folk become almost addicted to learning, I see it as a problem. Its almost like being a permanent child at school & possibly not wanting to have real life responsibilities?

I voted YABU. You are not unreasonable to date whoever you want to, obviously. But I think it's a bit unreasonable to equate the mindset you're looking for with attending university. I know several people who are always learning as adults - languages, history, instruments, photography etc. but who never went to university. They definitely had the academic ability but life circumstances meant for various reasons they went straight into work.

Are you very young?

I went to Uni 23 years ago and find it a bit tragic when people reference their degree as it's so irrelevant all these years later!

I couldn't care less if someone has a degree. I care that they're intelligent and curious, but let's face it, degrees now are meaningless.

No I mean thick, I’m 28 so at the time I went uni anyone could get in with shit a levels/btecs etc. I had health issues which meant I got three Es and still got into uni 🤣

I wonder what your age is op and whether you filter those who have a degree obtained later in life versus went to uni at 18-20.
University became more accessible for certain age groups but was more selective and then more costly for certain ages and so having gone to university also says other things about the person's financial background.

Anyway, I think it's fine to have that as a shorthand filter for your ideal partner. It's certainly not the worst stipulation I've heard of in dating.

Old enough to know what I value in a partner, and still open-minded enough to ask questions and hear different perspectives.

The only person I know to have insisted on university education (although to be fair, also insisted on proof of degree) turned out to be a creepy, stalking, abusive weirdo…

Most people I know who went to uni went more for the 'experience' than the education aspect of it. And by experience, of course I mean getting piss drunk most nights, shagging all and sundry (and usually ending up with an itchy rash for their trouble) and doing the bare minimum work so they could just about scrape through with a 2-1 by the end of it.

My point being that university isn't just about people who are academically curious and keen to learn, in most cases it'll be quite the opposite. So I think it's dangerous territory to have this as a deal-breaker.

So basically, modern day Lady Chatterley’s don’t want a Mellors?

A lot of people actually regret going to uni and wished they’d saved on their student loans and got straight into work. Some people might get a degree later in order to progress in their existing job (two friends of mine did that).

I think you are absolutely within your rights to have whatever criteria you want, but speaking as a much older person and, I would imagine more experienced person than OP, my criteria now would be more based on their kindness, their lack of toxicity, their sense of humour etc of course not an ignorant thicko, but I put more importance on emotional intelligence than degrees.

I’ve met people like that too and I get where you’re coming from. I think for me, it’s not a rigid rule, just something I’ve noticed as a pattern. I connect more easily with people who’ve shared similar experiences or ways of thinking and university often plays a part in that, but not always. I’m definitely still open to being surprised.

So what happened to your last, or previous, relationships? They were degree based but didn’t work out?

I'd be more concerned with earning potential to be honest, and that would attract me to guys in the trades.

I went to uni and earn a very good salary, but so many graduates don't. There are some pathetic salaries being offered for junior and mid management-level white collar jobs.

One of the smartest men I know is a London black taxi driver. He doesn’t have a degree. Don’t limit yourself by your exclusions x

You do realise @ForNiftyOrca that people can have degrees coming out their ears, but have zero common sense don't you?

I do have a degree but this isn’t about status or salary at all. I’m fully aware that people take many different routes to success and fulfilment, including those who start businesses or rise through the ranks without university. What I’m talking about is personal compatibility, I’ve just found I tend to click more with people who’ve had a similar educational experience. That doesn’t mean I think one path is better than another, just that it shapes how people connect, at least in my case.

If I were on the dating market I'd look at his work and career. It's not relevant to me if he was academically bright but had no money. I'm guessing the degree thing is just one of many other markers though so it's degree AND career AND comfortable financially...

You can date who you want for whatever reason you want or not. I think it makes you narrow minded though. I’ve met a lot of graduates considerably less intelligent than my dad or my husband for example, neither of whom have degrees. My husband did go to university but left in his second year as it wasn’t for him.

Do you apply the same criteria when choosing friends? You sound quite young as I’m in my mid 30’s and have made lots of new friends in the area and I have no idea whether any of them hold degrees. They have never asked me whether I went to uni either. It feels very narrow minded to believe you will only vibe with university educated people.

And on the money thing I commented just up here, I guess it's also down to age which op you're reluctant to answer.. very bright and poor is fine in your 20s as he could be promising but less impressive at 40+ .. well to me anyways

I think the OP probably means she wants someone more intellectual.

And there's nothing wrong with that. I just don't think a degree necessarily identifies that.

I've met plenty of people with degrees who don't read, and plenty of people without degrees who do.

Plenty of people with degrees who don't think critically or don't have any interest in stimulating intellectual conversation and those without degrees who do.

Plenty of people with degrees who are rigid in their thinking and always assume they're right and people without degress who don't.

Everyone is looking for something different.

My two best friends are both worth tens of millions. Neither has a degree, both have built companies. On the other hand, I've met loads of halfwits with degrees

I've met a couple of people like this too and they are the singularly most boorish, dull witted conversationalists I have ever met. All they have is what their company is worth, how they have increased venue and what they are spending their money on to talk about and are simply not interested in anything else.

We all see different things, and we all priorities and value things differently.

Why be coy about your age? Old enough to know could be anywhere from 20 to 80. I think one’s age has a lot to do with mindset. I know my criteria when I was younger is a million miles away from what it is today, in my early 60s. And in fact because my criteria was so skewed and naïve back then I am still paying the price for it now. If I could go back 40 years my criteria would be very, very different. Just don’t miss out on what could be a good man for the sake of a degree.

Op I think you'll find men like that in further education courses or talks on philosophy, history, languages and art but they will probably be older men like 60+

I think people are asking about your age partly because if you're under 30 then statistically almost 50% of ypur age group has a degree, especially if you live in London. If you're over 45 it's probably closer to 15%. A very different pool.