To not want to date men who don’t have degrees?

[ForNiftyOrca]

I know this might sound snobby to some but I’ve realised I’m just not interested in dating men who haven’t been to university. It’s not about money or status, it’s about mindset. I find I connect better with people who enjoy learning, have a similar outlook and value education in the same way I do. It’s not that men without degrees aren’t intelligent or successful, I just find I’m more compatible with those who’ve been through that experience.

AIBU to have this as a dating filter or is it unfair to rule people out based on education?

Drinking?😁

100% agree with this.

By mindset I just mean the way someone tends to approach ideas, conversations and the world around them. In my experience, people who’ve been through higher education (in any form) often tend to be more comfortable with abstract thinking, open-ended discussion, exposure to different perspectives and the idea that learning is a lifelong process.

That doesn’t mean people without degrees can’t think that way, not at all. It’s just that I’ve noticed I tend to connect more easily with people who have that kind of intellectual curiosity and openness, and higher education often encourages those traits. It’s not about intelligence or status - it’s more about how people engage with the world, and that’s something I personally find attractive.

😂

You want to date people who enjoy learning?

What do you think happens when you go to university?

You have to be intelligent in order to pass your course and get the degree!

Oh let me guess . . . you were stupid before you went to college!

I have two Degrees and a Masters, and I'm relatively stupid in comparison to guy who services my boiler.

Academic achievement is more about opportunity than intellect.

I think people have all sorts of criteria that are important to them and that’s absolutely fine. It would have ruled out my DH though, who walked straight into a currency trading job at 18 having got straight A’s in maths, further maths, economics and geography. The route into a City career in those days (late 80’s) was high achieving A level students going straight onto the trading floor as an ‘assistant’ trader then working up the ranks. Not a single one of the traders on his desk had a degree.

DH is infinitely cleverer than me (he has a MENSA level IQ), he just didn’t consider Uni because he wanted to be a trader and they hired 18 year olds. Given his job, he’s brilliant to discuss economics and politics with as it’s his job to be on top of those things. I do ask him sometimes if he regrets not going to Uni
and he says not, because it would have ruled him out of trading which was all he ever wanted to do. I do think it’s perfectly fine for you to decide it’s something important to you though OP.

Long enough to know I’d rather be single than in the wrong relationship. I’m intentional about what I want and open to genuine connection, but I’m not rushing to tick a box.

And yet, you have such a closed mind . .
🤔

I'm with you Op, but the opposite. I won't date anyone with a degree. Every academic I've ever met has a severe lack of common sense.

No thanks

She is, I believe it’s called ‘attention’.

That is not what she said at all. She wants someone who can relate to her and vice versa and who has some of the same interests. Is that really too much to ask?

Neither of my parents went to university, though I think that in Britain you do need to go to uni to get their education, but those kinds of schools are not called universities in their respective countries of origin. They studied different things, but both studied for 3-4 years after high school, and though they liked different kinds of books, they both liked books, learning, and having new experiences. They were married for more than fifty years and never ran out of topics to talk about.

And you don't become a status-obsessed snob by becoming an academic. Most academics, I know, went to university because they found and find the subject they studied to be interesting and they wanted to know more about it. If I meet academics who act like they need a tourist visa to talk to non-academics, I avoid them like the plague.

Academics have all kinds of backgrounds these days, and the families and friend groups of academics contain a lot of, or even mostly, people without degrees.

It really isn't as black and white as you seem to think that it is.

But some women aren't looking to be bankrolled.

I just want someone I can have a decent conversation with.

It’s a discussion forum, I was curious how others think about dating filters like this, especially ones people don’t always say out loud. I wasn’t looking for validation, just a range of perspectives, which has definitely happened! It’s okay if it’s not your kind of thread.

In my experience, people who’ve been through higher education (in any form) often tend to be more comfortable with abstract thinking, open-ended discussion, exposure to different perspectives and the idea that learning is a lifelong process

Ahahahahahahahahaha. Good one.

Your experience must be very limited.

There might be a correlation with intelligence but there are plenty of highly intelligent people who don't have degrees, and also plenty of very mediocre people with a lack of critical thinking skills who do. I suppose if anything a degree shows a certain level of perseverance and willingness to play along with the system.

If you are inundated with offers you are not being unreasonable to use this as an initial filter, you can apply any criteria you want to who you choose to date. Why don't you have additional filters to specify what their degree is in, and what class they have to attain?

I mean, you can date who you want. There’s no ‘fair’ or ‘unfair’. It’s not like the men without degrees out there are thinking “My one ambition in life is to date ForNiftyOrca and now she’ll never match with me on Hinge because I didn’t go to university; I must complain to the dating ombudsman’. They do have plenty of other women to choose from, don’t worry.

Personally, I’m just attracted to men who are very clever, regardless of their level of education. There are plenty of very clever men who don’t have degrees - my DP is one of them. He values education. He’s probably the most intelligent and well-read men I’ve ever met. We work in the same field and he’s two levels above me - I do have a degree. He’s incredibly curious about everything and loves learning and experiencing new things. My father and brother are both the same.

Equally, I know plenty of men with degrees who are deeply lacking in innate intelligence and just got lucky with class/education/affluence. I’ve met many people with degrees and plenty of them are as dumb as a lump of cheese.

So if I were dating I wouldn’t be filtering out non-graduates. But of course you are perfectly entitled to do that - there’s nothing unfair or unreasonable about it, if you feel a degree itself is more important than intelligence itself.

You can do what you when dating but I think if I’d been more independent and ambitious I wouldn’t have gone to university. I ended up in university because that’s what you did if you could. My decision was also tied into a worry of being looked down upon. So it’s not always the case the people with degrees have more positive things going for them.

I’ve dated across the spectrum - some with degrees, some without, and I’ve just noticed I tend to click more easily with those who’ve been through that experience. It’s not that a degree guarantees compatibility but there’s often a shared frame of reference that I value. I don’t ask about degrees straight away but it usually comes up naturally in conversation, and over time I’ve realised it matters to me more than I thought.

Heh. I have a PhD and work as a university lecturer. My husband has A-Levels plus other technical qualifications, never went further than 6th form.
Job wise, he's in senior management in a technical/engineering firm.
Learning wise, he reads avidly and knows a hell of a lot more than me (and many others) about history, politics, ancient civilisations.
As others have said, it's about attitude - love, respect, kindness, understanding, gentleness. Ambition for yourself, and for you as a couple.

You can obviously date who you want but I know lots of very intelligent people who love learning who didn’t go to uni. Many more intelligent than me, and I did go uni! So, it seems to be a bit unfair to judge on degree status when plenty of smart people chose other paths.

Completely up to you. I would avoid some of those types personally, as I know many go to university to delay growing up and putting yourself out there in the real world (not all obviously, bit of a sweeping statement). Your life, do what feels comfortable to you.

When I was studying for my masters (mature student) I lived on a very tough council estate. There were many students on the estate and others who had obviously come from a very different social background. On several occasions I was accosted by a youngish man of Asian appearance who kept asking me out. I explained to him that it was not my custom to pick up men along the street as I did not know him socially. He did not appear to understand or accept the concept that I needed to know him either through the uni, work or a friend. He asked me was it because he was Asian and I truthfully said no. If he were white he would have got the same response. Eventually he became quite nasty and called me a stuck bitch. He told me that he knew where I lived. I was due to move to anothe flat within the next few days so of course I never saw him again.

I had no idea what this mans social position was - whether he was working, a student, or whatever. The estate was a mix of people. The very fact of his becoming threatening and not accepting "no" for an answer assured me that I had doged a bullet and he would not have treated me well as a prospective date.

I agree that a degree doesn’t automatically equal depth or curiosity. For me it’s less about the certificate itself and more that, in practice, I’ve often found men who’ve gone through university tend to share a certain curiosity or openness that I connect with.

I’m aware there are people who’d have thrived at uni but didn’t have the opportunity or interest at the time, l’ve met a few and really respect that. I guess it’s just that, statistically, the overlap between mindset and experience tends to be there for me, so it’s become part of what I look for.

Your logic is flawed. Plenty of highly intelligent men may have gone into apprenticeships in engineering or are business owners etc earning big money who may not of gone to uni.

In your view though a man who went to his local uni and got a 2:2 in creative writing or some other obscure subject and now works in his local Tesco's is superior?

I don't think you are as smart as you think lol

I once dated a guy when I was 18 who called things off because I wasn’t ’very successful’. It was his choice and tbh I’m glad he did it. I saw on fb recently (15 years on) that he’s an estate agent for a local chain, exactly the job he had at the time.

You can date whoever you want, it’s not up to anyone else.