To not want to date men who don’t have degrees?

[ForNiftyOrca]

I know this might sound snobby to some but I’ve realised I’m just not interested in dating men who haven’t been to university. It’s not about money or status, it’s about mindset. I find I connect better with people who enjoy learning, have a similar outlook and value education in the same way I do. It’s not that men without degrees aren’t intelligent or successful, I just find I’m more compatible with those who’ve been through that experience.

AIBU to have this as a dating filter or is it unfair to rule people out based on education?

I agree that a degree isn’t a universal measure of intelligence or curiosity. Plenty of people are deeply insightful and self-taught without ever setting foot in a lecture hall.

It’s not that I bring up my own degree constantly or see it as a badge of honour years later. It’s just that, when I look at who I tend to connect with most deeply, there’s often a pattern: shared references, ways of thinking or conversations that feel easy and expansive, and a lot of the time, that’s happened with people who’ve had a similar educational background. It’s not a hard rule or a brag, just something I’ve observed about compatibility for me personally.

You can date based on any criteria you want.

I do have an academic degree, and so does my husband.

When I was single, I learned to be a bit wary of dating people who didn't go to university/college/technical university because there were a lot of assumptions from some people from that group about people who went to university. Far too many people I met from that group assumed that because I studied at university, I couldn't cook, sew, knit, or do anything using my hands, really. (I have sold crafts at crafts fairs and to a souvenir shop, and yes, I am a good cook and knit, sew, etc, and well enough for other people to ask me to make things for them. My DH and I have built things in wood together. For instance a shed, and it wasn't a ready-for-assembly Ikea-style one).

They also absolutely KNEW that all academics are cold, don't like children, cannot for the life of them engage with children, and will make their kids do nothing but chores and study if they get kids. ( My DH and I have spent ten times more time with our kids than they have. We have played with our kids, done crafts with them, and yes, helped them with homework. The people who said the statements above liked to plant their kids in front of the telly and never really had any conversations with them.)

I also had girlfriends who studied while their boyfriends didn't/hadn't. Besides the rude assumptions above, these were normal statements from their boyfriends:

• Why do you read books that aren't part of your curriculum? That is just stupid. (read: "You are stupid."
• Your books take up too much space. Please either throw them away or ask your parents if the books can be at their house.
• Don't think you know anything about anything. You can't actually learn anything from books.

For some funny reason, none of those relationships lasted.

I have absolutely met several academics, who make me question (inside my head) how on earth they got a degree, because they seem devoid of both common sense and common knowledge. But at least they are unlikely to throw away your books.

Or it can simply be because they were pushed into it by their parents

@ForNiftyOrca From what I've seen nowadays, I don't think women are too keen on dating men with degrees either.

Sometimes mumsnet is my favourite waste of time.

I think you’re being snobby and, to be frank, ridiculous.

I never went to university as my parents couldn’t afford to send me back in the 80s, but I’ve been learning all my life; taking short courses, self-study etc. I love history, current affairs and am certainly not dim, just because I only have O’Levels. I value education greatly and find it painful to read on here about the current state of our schools and, in particular, the lack of availability in the FE/ adult education sector.

You could be passing up someone you’re hugely compatible with if this is your ‘rule’ for men. In fact, despite you having been to university, it makes you seem closed-minded.

Emotional intelligence, kindness and humour are non-negotiables me too, and I don’t think a degree guarantees any of those things. I also know plenty of people who either skipped uni entirely or came back to it later in life once they knew what direction they wanted, and that path makes total sense too. My original post wasn’t about trying to elevate one route over another, but more about recognising a pattern I’d noticed in the kinds of conversations and connections I personally tend to click with. I think the main takeaway here is we all refine what matters to us over time and for some it’s education, for others it’s temperament, and for most of us it’s a mix of things that can’t be captured in a single bullet point.

But is that due to your age? Are you of an age where most of your contemporaries have gone to uni, unlike 40 year’s ago? Is your social group old uni friends?

I agree.

I couldn't care less about a degree - the 'university experience' is SO varied these days. One friend's DS has done his degree virtually online in his room, another is at Cambridge. 'Getting a degree' isn't the socio-economic leveller the OP seems to believe it is.

People at Uni do not necessary have 'the same mindset' at all. My own crowd who went through Uni were a mix of hard workers and layabouts who couldn't be bothered to work at all.

For me, the attraction is in excellence, passion and work ethic. I find that excelling at doing something you love, and being driven to be the best at it, is far more attractive than just being able to say, 'yeah, I went to Leeds Uni.'

It is not about the degree but about the job and the man's attitude to his job, salary, how he is going to use and is his family his priority n1

you have high minded self indulged Oxbridge graduates who are not very capable of doing anything else apart from teaching English and barely making it in the South East and also you have bathroom fitters from abroad who can afford 700k houses

that is up to you
let's say, are you capable of finding any man to start with, if you see what I mean

Date who you want.

But don't forget...

Lots of people can't afford to go to university.
Lots of people don't have the opportunity to go to university.
Lots of dickheads have degrees.

Like most people, I’ve had relationships that didn’t work out for a mix of reasons - some to do with timing, growth, compatibility, and yes, sometimes values. A degree alone doesn’t make a relationship work and I’ve never said it does. But I’ve noticed over time that shared outlooks, including around learning and communication, do matter for me. That’s really all this post was about, not a formula, just a reflection.

OP is self indulgent.

I would never say that. But the fact is, I didn’t meet guys that weren’t following a similar pattern to me.

We have 2 sons and both are dating women with undergrad degrees/masters - exactly the same as them.

My god daughter went to public schools and Durham. She’s about to get married to someone who left the local comp at 16. It doesn’t always follow suit.

The title of your OP clearly says you don’t want to date men with no degrees. Which seems pretty rigid to me regardless of their emotional intelligence or sense of humour or kindness or ambition.

Sorry I wasn’t aiming my comments at you, I should have put it separately. I agree with your post.

Yep, having degrees doesn’t automatically grant someone common sense, emotional intelligence or even good judgement. I’ve met plenty of highly educated people who lack those qualities. For me, it’s not about academic achievement in isolation, it’s about shared mindset and how someone engages with the world. I just tend to click more with people who’ve had similar formative experiences, that’s all.

It really is 😂

Kept to your standards

too often women are encouraged to over look flaws or give him another try because he has nice qualities

fuck that set your bar high and keep to it

Plenty of dimwits and wankers around with university degrees. I recommend tougher criteria. OP.

You can date whoever you want and apply whatever selection criteria you chose but it strikes me as a little bit of a backwards approach.

You would be better off not applying upfront criteria and just taking and then ruling people out that you aren't compatible with for whatever reason that may be, including lack of a degree.

There are plenty of very intelligent people without degrees and plenty of educated people who lack intelligence.

You could meet someone absolutely fantastic and compatible and it would be a shame to prescreen for much a trival reason which doesn't guarantee anything.

In short, your approach appears to actually lack intelligence which is somewhat ironic.

And that is fair enough. I’m not sure I see the point in giving yourself a rigid criteria though. Just see how life unfolds. You never know, you might fall heavily for someone you’d never expect to.

One of the most intelligent, interesting and well-read men I've ever met didn't have a degree. He did start one, but dropped out after a few months because he detested the university. Conversely, many of those who stay the course and acquire master and PhD degrees become the most insufferable spouters of nonsense, parrot support for an incoherent mess of conflicting ideologies, and aren't even that knowledgeable about areas outside their particular specialism. Don't assume that degree = interesting and insightful independent thinker.

I'm in my 50s and like a lot of my classmates (good school), I went to university. It was just what everyone did. So generally the people I meet of my age have degrees, DH has and previous boyfriends. It wasn't something I looked for though.

These days, with the cost of uni, I definitely would not apply it as a dating criterion for people in their teens and twenties but maybe when it was more accessible, it would not be a limiting thing to want.
I don't see it as a barrier to a good relationship as much as many other things (attitude to children, smoking or drug use, heat on before November, sense of humour). The fact that they studied Ancient Greek or Marketing does not really matter as life goes on.