To not let PIL look after DS (4) ?

[Mojk]

Maybe slightly inflammatory title and it's my DH who has come to me with doubts.

PIL are supposed to be having DS for 2 days next week in the half term- (not overnight). This was their choice as an opportunity to spend time with him and we are facilitating lifts there and back, I was ok with paying for holiday club.

Now on the phone to his mum MIL has slipped in that our nephew will be there too as there has been an issue with the childminder. Our nephew is just turned 2- we love him but have concerns about them looking after him at the same time as DS. DN is a giant and a little bit developmentally delayed boy- he's unsteady on his feet and yet climbs, needs spoon feeding, and has a handful of words. DH thought it was going to change the dynamic, and although his parents are only in their late 60s they are not the sprightliest of people, they struggle to walk distances or even lift nephew. He's not necessarily worried about our DS coming to danger but feels he's going to be sat there bored as won't be able to do a lot when PIL are caring for DN.

MIL was a bit affronted when DH suggested perhaps it was a bit much and insisted they could have the pair of them at their house fine. I'm not sure they are the best surveyors of their own capabilities.
There is a space bookable on holiday club.
Would we be unreasonable to pull the plug and say DS is going there instead? At least he can have a run around and do something he enjoys. I feel like he's going to bestuck in the living room watching the telly whilst PIL change nappies etc.

YANBU, I’d do the same. FIL used to offer to have DS but he was completely incapable. Started banging on about his rights but that just made me even more resolute 🙂 I think you’re right op, trust your instincts.

YABU.

Let your PILs enjoy their time with their grandsons.

If the experience is mildly less than perfect for your DS it doesn’t really matter - if he had a sibling he’d be having to sit and wait, do different activities etc. And they’re 2 and 4, not 2 and 14.

You are being a bit precious IMO.

If you think they are incapable id book holiday club. If you think they may just not babysit in the way you’d like I’d probably still let him go, they’re his grandparents and there’s only so many dirty nappies one toddler can make in a day. Maybe reduce it to one day if you aren’t sure either way?

I think it sounds like a lovely opportunity to spend time with his grandparents and cousin. So what if he has developmental delays?

Are the pil particularly infirm and elderly? That they wouldn't be able to look after 2 children?

Presumably your in-laws managed to bring up at least 2 children once upon a time and are in their 60's not 90's so I would leave them to it and let your DS create some fond memories as Grandparents aren't around for that long in our lives.

I really don’t see an issue with them looking after both. If his cousin was his sibling you wouldn’t think twice and it’s not a bad thing to share his time worn another child. He’ll have fun with his cousin.

Are you saying that the PIL are incapable and might put your son at some risk?

Or are you saying he will not get the expected 1:1 attention?

I cannot see any problem really. He will have to muck in and that will do him no harm. Learning to help others is a good thing.

He's not necessarily worried about our DS coming to danger but feels he's going to be sat there bored as won't be able to do a lot when PIL are caring for DN.

If that's the only concern, that your ds might be a bit bored, then for the sake of not offending pils over nothing, I'd still send him.

There's two adults to two children, they'll be fine.

Late 60s I see sorry, yabu and being precious about it, even with your long explanation of why not? If they felt they couldn't cope they wouldn't have offered, you just sound miffed your son might need to share attention.

A 2 year age gap should be fine for DGP to manage. If the kids were siblings you wouldn't say DGP can only have one at a time.

And at least DD will have someone to play with. Which might make it easier for DGP.

No matter what she'll still get more attention from DGP than she would from holiday staff.

I’d probably do one day at holiday club and one day with grandparents, as long as they will be capable.

Absolutely reasonable. Book your son where YOU choose as YOU are the parents.

Honestly, I get what pp are saying but he is not DSs sibling. How is DS bonding with his grandparents if they are busy with DN.

DS will get far more out of a day in the holiday club and that should always be OPs first concern.

I don't understand how he would get more out of holiday club. There with strangers having to share his time with lots of children VS a day with grandparents and a 2 year old that know him?

Does he see his cousin much ? Be nice they see each other and 2&4 is close in age even with sen

my 8yr loves seeing her cousin who is 10 and severely Autisic and non verbal and even when she was little she did

time with gp is special

there are 2 of them and 2 kids so one each if need be

assume 2yr will be in buggy so can go out for walk /park

DS does have a sibling 😬 15 month old DD will be in nursery. I wouldn't arrange to have PIL look after my two together to be honest.
It's hard to convey - they are as young as they're ever going to be again but PIL have aged rapidly. FIL moans and groans climbing the stairs to the toilet - he's got problems with his spine.
I suppose I thought DS would get a bit of 1:1 and be able to play trains, do some baking etc but now it's not like that. He's ok with his cousin but can't really play with him.

Chances are they won’t be busy with their DN and ignoring OPs son all day, OP just seems to have decided that based on her judgement of her DN, also there’s more than one other child at a holiday club. OPs son can run around and not have the full attention of adults at either place, but one is with his grandparents who he presumably loves and enjoys being around.

So unless the grandparents see the child 1:1, there’s no point him going because he won’t be able to sufficiently ‘bond’.

Seems a bit OTT to me.

Ds gets a bunch of organised activities to do with other children his own age at a holiday club supervised by engaged professionals.

At grandparents it sounds like he'll spend a day getting very little attention as older grandparents deal with a younger cousin who will require a lot more of their time and effort. Probably spending most of the day in front of the TV.

Why do you think that?

Seriously, time with his grandparents and cousin is valuable. They're are two adults there so if one is tied up with cousin, there's still someone for DS to be interacting with.

I'm 69, widowed, and manage to have both my little DGDs on my own for multiple days and sleepovers, and yes, sometimes one needs more attention than the other, but both have a good time and love coming here.

OP I think that because your boy is an only at this point, you expect him to be centred all the time. The fact that he won't be doen't mean that he'd be better off at holiday club. After all, he won't be anyone's single focus there, either.

It's really not worth upsetting the PILs over, and time with family members who love them is really important for small children.

ETA that I've just seen that he's not an only child. But I still think you should go ahead with the plan.

If your child was younger I’d say no but your son is 4. They’ll be absolutely fine.

Is OP expecting there to be more 1:1 attention for DS at holiday club than the 2:2 attention that’d be happening with PIL?

Perhaps PIL will enjoy having both grandsons and will be good for the cousins to also bond? Surely they can focus on one each and then switch. They aren’t both going to be focused solely on DN and ignoring DS.

Ultimately it is your decision but I think it’s a bit sad to throw your own toys out the pram because DS isn’t getting both grandparents to himself for the two days. What difference does it make exactly if DN is a bit clumsy on his feet or doesn’t have quite as many words as your DS had at 2?

You said in your op you are worried about DS being bored rather than unsafe, if that's the case I would let him go. If you are actually worried about safety that's different.

There are two GPs, though - surely one will be with your DS while the other is sorting anything out with DN? So he won’t be left bored on his own?

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Not every time spent with family will be perfect. But that does t mean it won’t be good.