To not let PIL look after DS (4) ?

[Mojk]

Maybe slightly inflammatory title and it's my DH who has come to me with doubts.

PIL are supposed to be having DS for 2 days next week in the half term- (not overnight). This was their choice as an opportunity to spend time with him and we are facilitating lifts there and back, I was ok with paying for holiday club.

Now on the phone to his mum MIL has slipped in that our nephew will be there too as there has been an issue with the childminder. Our nephew is just turned 2- we love him but have concerns about them looking after him at the same time as DS. DN is a giant and a little bit developmentally delayed boy- he's unsteady on his feet and yet climbs, needs spoon feeding, and has a handful of words. DH thought it was going to change the dynamic, and although his parents are only in their late 60s they are not the sprightliest of people, they struggle to walk distances or even lift nephew. He's not necessarily worried about our DS coming to danger but feels he's going to be sat there bored as won't be able to do a lot when PIL are caring for DN.

MIL was a bit affronted when DH suggested perhaps it was a bit much and insisted they could have the pair of them at their house fine. I'm not sure they are the best surveyors of their own capabilities.
There is a space bookable on holiday club.
Would we be unreasonable to pull the plug and say DS is going there instead? At least he can have a run around and do something he enjoys. I feel like he's going to bestuck in the living room watching the telly whilst PIL change nappies etc.

Ah well, don't do it then. I find it baffling 6 adults can't adequately supervise 3 pre-schoolers though.

Agree find it strange 6 adults can’t look after 3 kids or even 5 if count fil out

I don’t get why your son hasn’t had any time with you alone since sister was born in 18mths

2 parents and 2 kids - divide and conquer sometimes at weekends

so DS is going one day and other 1/2 club and 1/2 dad so will get some 121 time with him

But I don't think this is about waiting their turn etc. OP is concerned about the safety of the kids and capabilities of the grandparents. If OP would have a bad feeling all day when she leaves her son there it's not worth it I think

OP didn't seem overly concerned about his safety until several people disagreed with holiday club. Even in the first post, it says the concern is more about boredom than safety.

I think it’s not about whether your son will have fun or not, it’s not about whether PIL are capable of looking after two kids and it’s not even about safety. You just sound miffed that PIL have decided to also have your nephew and look after them together when you were expecting him to have 1:1 with them. You do sound a bit precious about it, but personally I would let this one go and leave your kid with his grandparents. It’s not worth making a problem oIt if it.

You are being completely unreasonable, I’m amazed how many people think otherwise.

I'm not really concerned about DS'S safety, no. I'd only be very concerned about his safety if they decided to go out.
I'm just trying to illustrate that it will be be full on for PIL. He can't just sit and play with Lego even- it's too much of a choking hazard with DN around.
DS was a very chilled toddler and DN and DD are absolutely not! He's a good boy and affectionate to the little ones but I did think it would be nice to have some quality 1:1 time with his grandparents.

I imagine he will just watch TV and be a bit bored, not able to play with what he wanted, not the end of the world.

I've said anyway he will go one day.

I have 2 almost 3 gc from my 2 oldest dd and I have looked after both of them separately (just turned 60). They live a couple of hundred miles apart so I don't see them together more than a couple of times a year. Dgs is 3 and a half and dgd is 18 months so a similar age gap. I must admit I think I'd struggle on my own with the 2 of them, despite having raised 4dc, because their parents have brought them up very differently but it would probably be okay if there was another adult. I think it would be easier to look after 2 siblings. I think one day with gps is a good compromise.

I thought that too.

She hasn’t said he’ll be unsafe, she’s just thinks he might be a bit bored

Your child. Go with your instincts. You are not being offensive

Yes. Me too . Especially how everything is pulled down and thrown . Teach the kids then !

Hope it all goes well OP.
I would also do what's best for my DS, seems a shame the GPs can't have some special time with him without DN. Even without delays, there is a change in dynamic with the age difference (sure it's only 2 years, but 2 to 4 is massive developmentally, nothing like 12 to 14)
Holiday clubs are great, and it's a good segue into school

It's chaos when my DGDs are here with me, with their mum and dad and their auntie and uncle in tow. Because it's busier and they want and get everyone's attention and ask the adults are getting involved. It's lovely, but it's kind of frantic, busier and louder.

When they come to me and it's just the three of us, they're calm. Not because I have some kind of magical effect, but because they only have me. They're not bouncing from adult to adult or having multiple people interacting with them. It's an entirely different atmosphere and they're much more focused, calm and engaged.

The two children and your parents are likely to be very much more chilled than when their house is full of adults.

Absolutely reasonable. Book YOUR so where YOU choose as YOU are the parents. There are no downsides for him to this decision and it's what you want to do, so do it. He comes first.

Perhaps this is an opportunity for your son to learn that he’s not the centre of the universe and that sometimes you come second to other people. It’s also a chance for him to learn about empathy and understanding. If there’s a problem this time then think again for the next time but he’s going to have to learn how to interact with people with disabilities and here’s a good place to start.

Book the club, no question.

You sound like you've already made your mind up.
I'd send him to the grandparents.

With them both being so very little I can understand you thinking the PIL won’t be able to cope- two under 5 together would be a lot for me tbh and I’m in my late 40s!

I mean I could but I wouldn’t like to. For elderly people, I’d think it was too much. My parents get tired having my 11 yo!

But it’s because they’re such a similar age that I think it would be a lot.

Can you not be honest with PIL and say you think it’s too much and you’d be happy for him to go whenever they’re able to have him on his own? That said, when he’s bigger you’ll probably be happy to think of him having his cousin there to play with, it’s just now when they’re so little.

Apparently those of us in our 60s can't decide for ourselves what we're capable of.

Thank goodness my DD sees me as an adult who knows her own capabilities and can make her own decisions.

MN makes me appreciate her even more every day.

I know , ridiculous. I’ve got more energy and stamina than my 45-year-olddaughter-in-law who is always constantly knackered with her two .

You realise they're are plenty people who still have young children of their own in their late 40s?

Me 🥰

I had mini blondes at almost 44 as Mother Nature wasn’t playing ball

now she’s 8.5 and I’m 52

I realise that. I personally couldn’t. I think everyone realises it’s hard to look after two tinies.

They may well have forgotten how hard it is. Ultimately it’s up to the Op to decide what she is comfortable with as the parent (and her DH to) not for the GPs to decide.

Two tinies together is hard graft.