To not let PIL look after DS (4) ?

[Mojk]

Maybe slightly inflammatory title and it's my DH who has come to me with doubts.

PIL are supposed to be having DS for 2 days next week in the half term- (not overnight). This was their choice as an opportunity to spend time with him and we are facilitating lifts there and back, I was ok with paying for holiday club.

Now on the phone to his mum MIL has slipped in that our nephew will be there too as there has been an issue with the childminder. Our nephew is just turned 2- we love him but have concerns about them looking after him at the same time as DS. DN is a giant and a little bit developmentally delayed boy- he's unsteady on his feet and yet climbs, needs spoon feeding, and has a handful of words. DH thought it was going to change the dynamic, and although his parents are only in their late 60s they are not the sprightliest of people, they struggle to walk distances or even lift nephew. He's not necessarily worried about our DS coming to danger but feels he's going to be sat there bored as won't be able to do a lot when PIL are caring for DN.

MIL was a bit affronted when DH suggested perhaps it was a bit much and insisted they could have the pair of them at their house fine. I'm not sure they are the best surveyors of their own capabilities.
There is a space bookable on holiday club.
Would we be unreasonable to pull the plug and say DS is going there instead? At least he can have a run around and do something he enjoys. I feel like he's going to bestuck in the living room watching the telly whilst PIL change nappies etc.

It is fair you thought he would have 1-1 time with his grandparents and if this is what you and your DH want put him in his club and arrange another time, but a different dynamic isn't going to harm him if his trains are precious to him send different toys, you will see if Mil is frazzled on pick up and just don't do.the 2 of them again, but your son will be ok.

Jesus it’s 2 days. He might not have full on 1:1 but he’ll enjoy it enough surely.

I always find these stories where grandparents help so amazing and it reads like a fairytale to me, as many of us don’t have options except paid childcare. I would swap my DC’s GP’s for yours, OP (neither side providing or offering no help - ever!). I cannot believe that them being on hand to help is just a normal part of your family dynamic and you are mulling over whether two days is with them or holiday club. Green with envy here!

Is being a bit bored the worst thing ever? How do you know the kids won’t play, and so build their relationship? Maybe your mother in law doesn’t know how it will work because it’s never happened before, but doesn’t mean it won’t work out.

Tbh it says more about your son if hes completely incapable of playing with a 2 year old, as a 4 year old. My kids had that age gap and they played together loads at that age, if anything your son is more likely to have a nice day because there's another child there!!

There are 2 adults to two kids here. It sounds to me like you think your MIL will be the hands on one and you're now imagining she will focus on the younger one leaving your son with little attention. I really dont think it will be like that, they will honestly be fine.

Its a bit sad you only want your son to be with his grandparents if he can be the one and only with all attention lavished on him tbh. Time spent with cousins is lovely!

We haven't actually had to use a holiday club before-they are they that bad? He's booked on for one day already. I thought it looked like a kids birthday party but all day long however maybe I'm delusional! There's a big bouncy castle set up, Lego and train bits etc

Also, he sees his grandparents and cousin at least fortnightly albeit with others there. Yes he can 'play' with his sister and cousin but it's not the same is it, neither can 'play' properly it's more him entertaining them. I probably wouldn't have agreed to 3 hours driving if I knew that was going to be the set up.

Not all grandparent help is actually helpful, speaking more in general! In the past I've sometimes been relieved with the straightforward transaction of paid childcare rather than the emotionally laden and delicate balance of grandparent childcare. No such thing as free childcare you always pay somehow!

I sometimes wonder if posters forget that a) people in their 60s are not actually senile geriatrics and b) the PILs actually have already successfully raised DCs to adulthood and therefore are not totally clueless.

It would be nice for your DS to spend time with his cousin, surely?

Mine are not particularly infirm, and they’re in their 70s, but they don’t cope with one child let alone two. They’d be absolutely out of their depth.

Holiday clubs are lots of Fun the children are well looked after, well the ones I have worked in are, your son will be safe and entertained , .I did question another poster who said it would be better for him I don't know how it would be "better,"

If they want to do it, and think they are capable I'd let them. It's worth facilitating these relationships imo. He'll probably have a lovely time with his cousin.

YABU - let the grandparents have some time with their grandkids and let the grandkids enjoy cousin time together. If your only worry is boredom, I think you should just let them have some fun together.

It’s ok if kids are bored sometimes. I would send him to the ILs

Holiday clubs are fun as in lots of activities set up. But they are mainly playing by self /other kids

yes the odd game all played together but not lots of supervisors

but for rising 5’s - assume ds started school in Sept if 4

will be 1 adult to 8 kids

many don’t take non school kids so will be 5 adults for 40 kids

think that’s the limit for ours

it def won’t be 121 time @Mojk compared to what he will get at gp

the only drawback is the 90mins each way drive - if I read correctly you said it was 3hrs daily ?

It won’t hurt DS to have a chill day or two with gp and cousin

having gp love and help is amazing

It obviously depends on the club and the child, but mine loves holiday club. Generally at least a few of his friends are there too so it's like an all day play-date for them. We only use it a handful of times each year so fortunately the novelty hasn't worn off yet.

It sounds like they’ve been roped into to childcare for nephew and want your child there to entertain him.

I think the most diplomatic option is one day holiday club and 1 day with grandparents.

3 hours for me not him thankfully. 45 mins there and back twice. FIL not currently able to drive and MIL never could.

No, but the OP has explained that these grandparents can’t walk any distance and struggle to lift the 2 year old. That the grandfather struggles to climb stairs and will sit in his chair all the time. That doesn’t sound like a recipe for the grandparents coping with two young children for 2 days. OP, one day with them and one day in holiday club sounds like a good compromise.

Yep . Agree

Is your son at holiday club for the other three days? If so, I'd send him to PIL as planned. He might like a bit of a quieter couple of days

Ah yes be 4 journeys for you

use them this time

gauge how DS enjoyed it for future holiday clubs

saving £35/40 a session if like mine would be handy

if he is in it anyway he will play with friends that day

but it def won’t be 121 more like 5 2 40

Children do not need attention all the time. At 4 he should be learning to do without that. It's all part of learning that life is not perfect and you need to accommodate others.

He can help his GPs do things with the nephew and muck in.

I am honestly amazed that you might mind about that.

Holiday clubs are horrendous for kids honestly! I don't know any child that enjoyed going. There's never enough staff to monitor all the activities and unless your kid is particularly boisterous they probably won't get to do what they want to anyway.

Let your child be bored sometimes. Be careful of teaching him that every day is fun.

If it’s about safety, trust your gut.

Oh come on, you’re acting as if your MIL will be out of action all day preparing lunches and changing nappies but honestly, how long do either of these tasks take? Making lunch for two kids takes 20 minutes maximum if she’s making something like pasta with sauce - under 5 minutes if it’s just sandwiches and fruit. Unless your nephew has medical issues effecting his urine output or causing diarrhoea etc then changing a nappy is a 5 minute job every 2-4 hours, it’s hardly taking over the whole day. Surely your son can cope with watching TV or self-occupying and playing for these short periods a short time over the day?