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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let PIL look after DS (4) ?

127 replies

Mojk · 25/10/2025 09:22

Maybe slightly inflammatory title and it's my DH who has come to me with doubts.

PIL are supposed to be having DS for 2 days next week in the half term- (not overnight). This was their choice as an opportunity to spend time with him and we are facilitating lifts there and back, I was ok with paying for holiday club.

Now on the phone to his mum MIL has slipped in that our nephew will be there too as there has been an issue with the childminder. Our nephew is just turned 2- we love him but have concerns about them looking after him at the same time as DS. DN is a giant and a little bit developmentally delayed boy- he's unsteady on his feet and yet climbs, needs spoon feeding, and has a handful of words. DH thought it was going to change the dynamic, and although his parents are only in their late 60s they are not the sprightliest of people, they struggle to walk distances or even lift nephew. He's not necessarily worried about our DS coming to danger but feels he's going to be sat there bored as won't be able to do a lot when PIL are caring for DN.

MIL was a bit affronted when DH suggested perhaps it was a bit much and insisted they could have the pair of them at their house fine. I'm not sure they are the best surveyors of their own capabilities.
There is a space bookable on holiday club.
Would we be unreasonable to pull the plug and say DS is going there instead? At least he can have a run around and do something he enjoys. I feel like he's going to bestuck in the living room watching the telly whilst PIL change nappies etc.

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 25/10/2025 15:02

I’m sure the kid has been bored before and is able to occupy himself if he needs to. That doesn’t mean he should have to be bored if there’s a better option. If he would have a more enjoyable time with his friends then send him there.

Moonboots123 · 25/10/2025 15:15

He’s just turned two and you’ve decided to diagnose him as developmentally delayed because he’s unsteady on his feet, needs spoon fed and only has a handful of words?! Sounds like a normal two year old to me…

Cantfindafreeusername · 25/10/2025 15:29

wow aren’t you nice! Slagging off your poor nephew as he’s not as perfect as your previous first born. It comes across that you think your nephew if going to somehow taint or damage your son!!! I think you should book the holiday club so your son is surrounded by strangers and people he doesn’t know and let your Nephew have a lovely time with his clearly doting grandparents

Original poster
Mojk · 25/10/2025 15:34

@Moonboots123 he is delayed- he has been referred to portage and is having more intensive input now, is under paediatrics etc

@Cantfindafreeusername I'm not slagging nephew off at all, he's a lovely boy, but it's also intensive caring for him. I think you are projecting.

OP posts:
Cheesypasta · 25/10/2025 15:34

ManteesRock · 25/10/2025 14:50

Holiday clubs are horrendous for kids honestly! I don't know any child that enjoyed going. There's never enough staff to monitor all the activities and unless your kid is particularly boisterous they probably won't get to do what they want to anyway.

Show quote history

What rubbish. My DC loved holiday club and I know lots of others who did! The staff who ran it were great. Outdoor space too which was brilliant in the summer.

OP I know just what you mean about it being simpler to pay for professional childcare. Given what you've said and that he actually sees his cousin and grandparents regularly, I'd save yourself the bother and driving and book both days in holiday club.

InTheFiveRiverValley · 25/10/2025 15:39

To be honest I'd tend to book him into holiday club too. It'd be nice for him to get to know his cousin better, but not in this context where his grandparents might have bitten off more than they can chew.

It's highly likely they'll leave you with a problem by saying at the end of day one that they're exhausted and can't have him the next day - probably too late to get a holiday club place for the next day then.

Original poster
Mojk · 25/10/2025 15:41

On the other days he has one day of holiday club and two days off with me and his sister
He's hardly had any 1:1 attention since his sister came, DH has taken him out swimming or to the cinema occasionally but he always shares. I don't think it's a bad thing to have expected!

Some posters are acting like we never see them when we see them regularly.

I'm going to take him to them one day anyway, and DH is going to juggle his work hours on the other day so he only has to do a half day at holiday club and then am afternoon out with him. This is the first half term so we can see how it goes.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 25/10/2025 15:42

YANBU.

MeridianB · 25/10/2025 15:49

Not sure why you’re getting such a hard time, OP.

You’ve been really clear about the limitations of the ILs and what it will look like for DS with DN there. It would have been great if he could play with his train set and bake cakes with MIL. Hopefully another time.

PurpleThistle7 · 25/10/2025 15:51

Oh the 1.5 hours driving would make it an easy no for me - I have no time for that on a work day! Maybe look for another more suitable time for him to get dropped off for a few hours

mugglewump · 25/10/2025 15:59

I would imagine for at least part of the day they will go our somewhere - with cousin strapped into a buggy whilst your DS can run around the park and play football with all of them.

FKAT · 25/10/2025 16:02

Well it's up to you obviously as it's your kid but no every day of a child's life has to be seamlessly managed with stimulating one-to-one opportunities to build family relationships and develop key skills. It might be a bit messy and a bit boring and maybe a little bit fraught but that's normal for childcare at half term.

My mum is late 70s, has hearing and mobility issues and to be honest, wasn't the most attentive or safety conscious parent in her 20s and 30s, never mind now and she is still the main childcare for my nephew (with SEN) when SIL is at work. It all works out fine and happy, if a bit haphazard and untidy. Niblings are very happy. They have a nice relationship.

CurbsideProphet · 25/10/2025 16:03

mugglewump · 25/10/2025 15:59

I would imagine for at least part of the day they will go our somewhere - with cousin strapped into a buggy whilst your DS can run around the park and play football with all of them.

OP has said FIL is confined to arm chair and cannot walk well, so it doesn't sound like a trip to the park will be on the cards.

The PIL seem young to me to have so many health problems which is a shame. One day of each seems the best compromise for everyone.

Becs51 · 25/10/2025 16:05

AngelicInnocent · 25/10/2025 09:40

Honestly, I get what pp are saying but he is not DSs sibling. How is DS bonding with his grandparents if they are busy with DN.

DS will get far more out of a day in the holiday club and that should always be OPs first concern.

What about bonding with his cousin? Or are they not to have a relationship because he is developmentally delayed? Utterly ridiculous reason not to send him. It’s a hard fall for a child if every single day has to be full of fun and not real life. I’m sure he’ll get more than enough out of his visit and I think OP is being over the top about it. Spoon fed and constant nappy changing, so if he was there for 3 meals which is unlikely that’s about an hour of the day where one of the 2 adults will be occupied spoon feeding. Constant nappy changes? Again only so many nappies need to be changed and it isn’t a 2 man job.

Howwilliknow122 · 25/10/2025 16:27

OSTMusTisNT · 25/10/2025 09:34

Presumably your in-laws managed to bring up at least 2 children once upon a time and are in their 60's not 90's so I would leave them to it and let your DS create some fond memories as Grandparents aren't around for that long in our lives.

You say that but my inlaws have raised three and I wouldn't trust them with my kids. Ive seen the stupid things they do, they don't believe in car seats, seat belts , think its OK to let small children play outside unsupervised with all sorts of nails and tools in the garden.. the list goes on.

Menonut · 25/10/2025 16:36

Could you do a compromise? 1 day with PIL and 1 day at holiday club?

Original poster
Mojk · 25/10/2025 16:38

We are there regularly and it is absolute chaos usually when 3 grandkids are there. but there are lots of adults around To supervise. My BIL has now fixed telly to the wall but if something isn't fixed down it's being pulled down and thrown. It's not just about feeding or nappy changes, it's constantly making sure they're not accidentally hurting themselves- choking, climbing and cracking their heads. My 15 month old is similar but I wouldn't leave her with PIL.

OP posts:
Summertimesadnessishere · 25/10/2025 16:52

My parents were always a bit slow/ ailments but were perfectly capable of taking care of a 2 and 4 year old for the day.

What is wrong with your 4 year old spending time with his cousin? Or on his own for a bit playing? At 4 my son would easily play with Lego on his own, watch some tv afterwards play with a cousin or younger child. Simple things. Doesn’t have to be full on. What is wrong with a child being bored? Does he have to be stimulated ALL the time?
I do worry for this generation with parents like you who worry excessively. Unless your PIL are incapable of handling them, don’t feel comfortable doing it, or you know they are abusive mentally or physically I’m sure your 4 years old will survive!

Your son won’t have his grandparents around forever and it’s lovely he grows up knowing his cousin. Please - just let them have time together as family.

Digdongdoo · 25/10/2025 17:14

You've obviously made your mind up, and it is your choice of course. But don't complain when offers aren't forthcoming in the future. Hopefully your kids like holiday club.

user793847984375948 · 25/10/2025 17:16

MidnightPatrol · 25/10/2025 09:28

YABU.

Let your PILs enjoy their time with their grandsons.

If the experience is mildly less than perfect for your DS it doesn’t really matter - if he had a sibling he’d be having to sit and wait, do different activities etc. And they’re 2 and 4, not 2 and 14.

You are being a bit precious IMO.

Imagine being precious about your children's safety.

Sez1990 · 25/10/2025 17:22

At first you said your DS would be safe but now seem to have changed your mind. If you genuinely think it would be a dangerous situation then YANBU to use a holiday club instead. But if not, by your own admission you see PIL regularly, so it’s not going to make a big difference to your son whether he’s on his own there or not. And as PPs have said, he is unlikely to get more attention at holiday club.

If you decide not to go to PILs I think they will be a bit miffed that you think they’re not capable (even if it’s true) and you will need a good reason to give to DN’s parents who may feel offended or sad that their son is the reason you changed your plans

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/10/2025 17:24

I think 1 day with PIL and 1 day holiday club is a good compromise. 1 chilled day with his Grandparents with maybe a bit of boredom isn't going to harm him.

pinkspeakers · 25/10/2025 17:33

Two people in their 60s should be able to manage, or at least make a good judgement as to whether it will be too much. I'd make sure you give them a chance to say that they would prefer if your son didn't stay with them too, but I wouldn't force it on them if they are sure they want to have them both. Try it for this holiday, see how it goes, and if it really doesn't work then don't do it again, But give them the benefit of the doubt for now. Time with grandparents is precious.

Mumoffourkiddos · 25/10/2025 17:34

My Dd is 8 and DN is 3 and I wouldn't want my parents having both. My DD loves her grandparents and wants a little time together with DN there it tends to be all about her and my DD understanding because she's older....my Dd 8 (even dd17 ds16 and ds 15) all say they would rather time with gp without the precious dn3 around as she gets all the time so I totally understand

Whoevenarethey · 25/10/2025 17:35

I think people have missed the part where you have later added DS has a sister who will be going to nursery and you weren't expecting grandparents to have her too, and therefore really the point was 1:1 time with the grandparents rather than just childcare.
I think it's fair enough in this situation to be miffed that they are now taking care of DN when you were under the impression it would just be your son. Due to the travelling and inconvenience I would be inclined to try and focus on the holiday club as it's probably better he does a couple of days there as the first might be overwhelming and if you want to use it in the future you might want to build up his familiarity with it.