To not let PIL look after DS (4) ?

[Mojk]

Maybe slightly inflammatory title and it's my DH who has come to me with doubts.

PIL are supposed to be having DS for 2 days next week in the half term- (not overnight). This was their choice as an opportunity to spend time with him and we are facilitating lifts there and back, I was ok with paying for holiday club.

Now on the phone to his mum MIL has slipped in that our nephew will be there too as there has been an issue with the childminder. Our nephew is just turned 2- we love him but have concerns about them looking after him at the same time as DS. DN is a giant and a little bit developmentally delayed boy- he's unsteady on his feet and yet climbs, needs spoon feeding, and has a handful of words. DH thought it was going to change the dynamic, and although his parents are only in their late 60s they are not the sprightliest of people, they struggle to walk distances or even lift nephew. He's not necessarily worried about our DS coming to danger but feels he's going to be sat there bored as won't be able to do a lot when PIL are caring for DN.

MIL was a bit affronted when DH suggested perhaps it was a bit much and insisted they could have the pair of them at their house fine. I'm not sure they are the best surveyors of their own capabilities.
There is a space bookable on holiday club.
Would we be unreasonable to pull the plug and say DS is going there instead? At least he can have a run around and do something he enjoys. I feel like he's going to bestuck in the living room watching the telly whilst PIL change nappies etc.

I have asked as we are still mulling, I suppose it's also getting my own head around the change.

I've only mentioned the SEN to say that the workload of looking after DN is higher than it would be for many two year olds.

Holiday club has a big train set up and some of his friends are going, so it's not necessarily the rubbish option.

Some grandparents are more than capable of dealing with multiple grandchildren at a time but it doesn't sound like these ones are. Sorry but its not always best for children to be with family members over professional childcare.

Grandparents are not automatically a better option. Yes, I was lucky that my PIL were young and could look after mine when they were little. By the time BIL had DC they were older and could manage 1 for a short space of time but not both of his together.

Why don’t you do one day with GPs and one day holiday club?

It isn't just OP that's concerned though is it? Her DH (who presumably knows his parents better) thinks that his child is going to be sat around bored. If that is true, then doing activities at a holiday club with his friends is surely better.

You could also argue being occasionally a bit bored is maybe a good thing, vs everything being optimised for your optimum enjoyment at all times?

I say this as a parent of young children… grandparents offer to help, take them up on it. Saying no because it’s not perfect seems a bit mean spirited given they probably want to spend time with their grandchild.

I think yabu a bit, it’s not a bad thing for a 4 year old if he gets a bit bored and learns how to entertain himself a bit. It’s only for 2 days not the whole week.

Holiday club children are likely to be all of primary school so 4-11. That's actually a much bigger gap than a 2 and 4 yo.

A lots of time at holiday club might be a park visit if they are going out or a guided activity for a short time with tons of free play doing whatever the kids want.

No reason to think he can't still play trains etc. PILs are hardly going to be changing nappies all day, and the chances are your nephew would like them as well. Plus they can tag team - one can play with DN, one can do baking with your son. Does your nephew sleep during the day?

If your son does have a quiet day, it's hardly the end of the world. He may well appreciate a bit of a rest if he's having a busy time in holiday club.

So what? So one child has to be bored while the adults pander to the other one's neediness? That sounds like the opposite of lovely for the 4 year old. If they were all having fun together and doing activities that all enjoy, that would be different.

Most just turned 2 year olds need lots of looking after! You really think he'll get more fun and attention at a holiday club? Blimey, let them look after both kids and let the cousins spend time together. I would be quite offended in my 60s if my daughter-in-law basically said I was not capable of looking after my two grandchildren at the same time. If you cancel and book him into a holiday club, don't then be surprised if they don't offer to look after your child again. As someone who has absolutely no support with childcare from family members, you don't know how lucky you are to have grandparents who are willing and able to help and love your children!

Engaged professionals, I nearly spat my tea out 🤣
You wish jellyfish

Going from nothing to two boisterous kids for multiple days can be a bit of a shock to the system. I would be suggesting one day to see how they got on with the kids. If they will be honest with you about how they managed.

Then youll know for next time this happens and can speak to your sibling about “dont be hogging the grandparents as my kid needs time with them too” type thing.

Spot on, thank you

I’d let him go there one day and holiday club for the other day - so you’re not cancelling altogether. That shouldn’t cause too much offence and means they still get to see him; you’ll know for next time how things go.

Depends on the grandparents. I’d have no issue my mam doing this. She is in her 60s and no health issues. Would cause her no problem as a one off to have two little ones if she wanted too. I’m sure they’d all have a lovely day.

This is the most sensible comment I have seen.

Hmm this is giving me food for thought.

FIL will be mostly confined to his armchair, it will be MIL running around preparing lunches and doing nappies. DS won't be able to play in the way he'd like as for example as I've mentioned trains DN will just pull the track apart and throw the trains, or kick it and end up on his bum. I've spent enough Sunday afternoons at their house to get an idea of what it would be like.
That said, I take the point that watching telly all day and being bored isn't the worse thing that could happen. I just feel a bit sorry for DS and tbh a bit annoyed - we are spending three hours of the day driving him there and back and picking him up again which I agreed on the premise that he was getting special time with his grandparents and a bit of spoiling that he wouldn't get otherwise.
Thinking maybe one day there and the other holiday club now.

Another vote for do one day in each of the options. This is not a DIL worry as it is your husband that has concerns, he should be the one to let his parents know. One day with grandparents and cousin and one day in the holiday club. It should be clear from your sons demeanour which day he got most out of.

Is their house set up for children? Do they have a garden, toys, etc? Because if so, your son should be very capable
of of entertaining himself throughout the day while they manage the toddler. However if it’s more of a sit still quietly expectation I’d be less keen on two full days.

I think it’s lovely that they want to do this and I’d personally almost certainly let it happen. Your child doesn’t need hands on care and it doesn’t sound like a safety issue. He might have a great time. If not - well, you won’t do it again and will find other ways to facilitate both relationships.

In your shoes I’d book holiday club.

Totally reasonable to reassess given ILs are not active and the significantly increased demands on them from DN will affect the whole experience. I suspect by day two they will be using the TV a lot more.

I’d do one day at holiday club and one with grandparents.

My mum used to watch 2 grandchildren at a time, on her own and with bigger and smaller gaps . (My mum has 4 grandchildren with 6yr ads between the eldest and youngest)

they will still be able to bond, my children rarely had 1-1 time with the in-laws as we used to all visit at the one time and still had a good bond with them. (9grandchildren)

Do what feels best for your child and yourself. If it's to pay for clubs then do that. If it's to keep the arrangements with grandparents in place, then do that. Don't be swayed by their own feelings, that's for them to deal with.

@Mojk

I'd book him into holiday club & then rearrange a grandparents 1:1 day at a later date. You know your family best & it sounds like your son will be bored & a bit overlooked on those 2 days otherwise.

Trust your gut. Book the club if it’ll give you peace of mind, cut down travel time and you think he’ll have more fun.

I never understand the argument that as grandparents had their own children they’ll be willing or capable of caring for their grandchildren safely or well. My dad had 4 of us but wasn’t around much and now he has 4 grandkids across a couple of us he’s never changed a nappy, fed a baby or toddler anything, can’t chase one around and has a pretty lax approach to safety. He’s amazing at reading books, building trainers, buying thoughtful gifts and sending postcards. They love him. But he’s never having sole care of them.

That was my thought. Would he really get more out of holiday club? It is only two days.