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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband denying crush on woman at gym despite messages

107 replies

Vickiii88 · 24/10/2025 22:11

First of all I know people will probably disprove of me looking at someone else’s phone but I felt I had no choice because any time I’ve tried talking to my Husband about this he has dismissed me and shut me down as being ridiculous.

I’ve had suspicions he has grown close to someone at his gym for a while. It’s a national chain, quite cliquey with lots of classes etc and regular socials.

I’ve been suspicious because 1. I’ve seen this woman’s name flash up on his phone on several
occasions and he has been vague when I’ve asked about her, 2. A friend who goes to the gym attended the same class as them once and said they were very tactile and 3. He has been increasingly dismissive of me to the point of rudeness/snapping.

The messages go back months, this is one of the early ones:

‘Friend’ (F) and Husband (H)

F: Why haven’t you been on any of our nights out yet, they are not always at gym name you know? Next Friday is at X
H: Is that an invite then?
F: You know you are always invited
H: Will be odd seeing you not in your gym gear 😂
F: I can scrub up well you know
H: I don’t doubt that
F: Bit cold at the moment to be all dressed up, I need my layers 😂
H: Just wear your usual leggings then 👀
F: Oh yeah
H: Probably be a bit chilly in your sports bra mind
F: Yeah true

Another as recent as two weeks ago, which he instigated:

H: Do you feel like the classes have been a bit off recently, instructor name seems so abrupt
F: I was literally saying this earlier
H: Might start going to the later class where it’s a different instructor
F: What, and miss seeing me? 😂
H: You’ll join me, you know it’s not the same without me
F: Yeah when you were on holiday I did miss our chats after
H: Feel like all the extra classes are paying off and I am feeling fitter
F: yeah you are
H: Not quite at your level yet though 😂
H: I don’t think I’d squeeze in to some of your outfits
F: Oi 😂 sure I could find something you could squeeze into
H: As long as there’s no photos for evidence 😂

I told H I had seen these and he said they are completely innocent and clearly two friends having a joke, and that I’m paranoid/suspicious for no reason.

My mind is going mad, would you be annoyed if your H had sent these?

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 24/10/2025 22:12

Ask him if you were F and someone else was H would he be OK with that?

Anonowl · 24/10/2025 22:14

I think they sound borderline... but also definitely like banter between two friends.

3luckystars · 24/10/2025 22:15

Don’t let him fob you off about this.

Redshoeblueshoe · 24/10/2025 22:17

That's not banter - it's flirting,

Rosesanddaffs · 24/10/2025 22:18

@Vickiii88 he knows he’s being unreasonable! Does this woman know he’s married, assuming he wears a ring? X

Drachuughtty · 24/10/2025 22:18

Redshoeblueshoe · 24/10/2025 22:17

That's not banter - it's flirting,

Agree

Rosesanddaffs · 24/10/2025 22:19

And yes, I’d be pissed off if I saw these on my husbands phone, even more so if he was being rude and snappy xx

MermaidMummy06 · 24/10/2025 22:19

Definitely flirting & inappropriate.

The red flag for me is H keeps turning the conversation to F"s body & outfits, including her bra. It sounds like he's testing the waters.

Bigtreeesss · 24/10/2025 22:19

It’d be a ltb for me

Terrytheweasel · 24/10/2025 22:21

Definitely flirting. Could still be relatively innocent but I personally feel it’s over the boundary of inappropriate.

Silverbirchleaf · 24/10/2025 22:22

Anonowl · 24/10/2025 22:14

I think they sound borderline... but also definitely like banter between two friends.

Yes, borderline, but there’s definitely a familiarity there. So maybe not crush territory, but definitely best friends territory (which could lead to more).

Whats the frequency of texting? If frequent, then it’s heading towards EA.

ozarina · 24/10/2025 22:25

He is inappropriate - totally! He's lying . The language... the sexy tone...Who gives a shit about looking at his phone - this was how I found out my ex H had an affair.

Gruffporcupine · 24/10/2025 22:27

I would end my marriage over messages like this. Others might feel differently but he wants to sleep with her and will at the first opportunity. Get away with your dignity intact x

Slalomsfathoms · 24/10/2025 22:27

He’s testing the waters, he likes her and probably more. I’m sorry this is a classic making you doubt yourself and your gut. It’s a horrible thing to do and can send some women mad or do things they wouldn’t normally do and deplete their self respect/what they will put up with. Unfortunately, this is how a lot of people get away with it. You are not mad, if this was your friend in this situation, what would you say?

Namechangedforthis25 · 24/10/2025 22:27

It doesn’t sound like anything physical has happened

I also am not sure if it’s actually an emotional affair - as the texts are starting off quite innocently

I do think it’s banter between two people that is bordering on inappropriate

he needs to admit it wouod be rubbish if you did this - and stop this and move gyms

Branster · 24/10/2025 22:28

100% absolutely totally full on flirting and he's pushing more than her with his constant references about her body, plus angling for her to compliment him.
At this stage, I really wouldn't waste time on him any longer.

NoUserNameNeeded · 24/10/2025 22:29

Your husband is awful sending those messges
amd if she knows he’s married she’s just as bad.

Netcurtainnelly · 24/10/2025 22:30

Vickiii88 · 24/10/2025 22:11

First of all I know people will probably disprove of me looking at someone else’s phone but I felt I had no choice because any time I’ve tried talking to my Husband about this he has dismissed me and shut me down as being ridiculous.

I’ve had suspicions he has grown close to someone at his gym for a while. It’s a national chain, quite cliquey with lots of classes etc and regular socials.

I’ve been suspicious because 1. I’ve seen this woman’s name flash up on his phone on several
occasions and he has been vague when I’ve asked about her, 2. A friend who goes to the gym attended the same class as them once and said they were very tactile and 3. He has been increasingly dismissive of me to the point of rudeness/snapping.

The messages go back months, this is one of the early ones:

‘Friend’ (F) and Husband (H)

F: Why haven’t you been on any of our nights out yet, they are not always at gym name you know? Next Friday is at X
H: Is that an invite then?
F: You know you are always invited
H: Will be odd seeing you not in your gym gear 😂
F: I can scrub up well you know
H: I don’t doubt that
F: Bit cold at the moment to be all dressed up, I need my layers 😂
H: Just wear your usual leggings then 👀
F: Oh yeah
H: Probably be a bit chilly in your sports bra mind
F: Yeah true

Another as recent as two weeks ago, which he instigated:

H: Do you feel like the classes have been a bit off recently, instructor name seems so abrupt
F: I was literally saying this earlier
H: Might start going to the later class where it’s a different instructor
F: What, and miss seeing me? 😂
H: You’ll join me, you know it’s not the same without me
F: Yeah when you were on holiday I did miss our chats after
H: Feel like all the extra classes are paying off and I am feeling fitter
F: yeah you are
H: Not quite at your level yet though 😂
H: I don’t think I’d squeeze in to some of your outfits
F: Oi 😂 sure I could find something you could squeeze into
H: As long as there’s no photos for evidence 😂

I told H I had seen these and he said they are completely innocent and clearly two friends having a joke, and that I’m paranoid/suspicious for no reason.

My mind is going mad, would you be annoyed if your H had sent these?

Wise up Op.
It's flirting. Pair of idiots they are.

Say you'd like to come along and meet her and have a coffee after the gym session.

Coconutter24 · 24/10/2025 22:31

They are flirting with each other, I would be absolutely fuming to read messages like that.

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 24/10/2025 22:36

Op their flirting and your DH is crossing the line without a doubt if he's going to be like this and lie show him the door

IAmKerplunk · 24/10/2025 22:56

Would they joke around like that in front you? Of course not. Very inappropriate. Join him at the gym next time so you can meet her.

Blump2783 · 24/10/2025 22:59

It is flirting but I have some male colleagues who I might exchange messages like that with jokingly, and although it is flirty there is no chance of anything going on or anyone wanting something to go on. However, obviously not everyone is the same.

devuskums · 24/10/2025 22:59

He doesn't care about you. Sorry but thats the truth. Nothing you say will help

2catsandhappy · 24/10/2025 23:05

She missed their chats? Whoa.

Is he having nice chats with you @Vickiii88 ?
At the least he is flattered by the attention, he is not cutting her off.
At the worst he is keeping his options open.
Any reason you can't turn up unexpectedly? her reaction would tell you alot.

Daisychain88 · 24/10/2025 23:16

Sense they have sexual chemistry tbh. I wouldn't let that go