Husband denying crush on woman at gym despite messages

[Vickiii88]

First of all I know people will probably disprove of me looking at someone else’s phone but I felt I had no choice because any time I’ve tried talking to my Husband about this he has dismissed me and shut me down as being ridiculous.

I’ve had suspicions he has grown close to someone at his gym for a while. It’s a national chain, quite cliquey with lots of classes etc and regular socials.

I’ve been suspicious because 1. I’ve seen this woman’s name flash up on his phone on several
occasions and he has been vague when I’ve asked about her, 2. A friend who goes to the gym attended the same class as them once and said they were very tactile and 3. He has been increasingly dismissive of me to the point of rudeness/snapping.

The messages go back months, this is one of the early ones:

‘Friend’ (F) and Husband (H)

F: Why haven’t you been on any of our nights out yet, they are not always at gym name you know? Next Friday is at X
H: Is that an invite then?
F: You know you are always invited
H: Will be odd seeing you not in your gym gear 😂
F: I can scrub up well you know
H: I don’t doubt that
F: Bit cold at the moment to be all dressed up, I need my layers 😂
H: Just wear your usual leggings then 👀
F: Oh yeah
H: Probably be a bit chilly in your sports bra mind
F: Yeah true

Another as recent as two weeks ago, which he instigated:

H: Do you feel like the classes have been a bit off recently, instructor name seems so abrupt
F: I was literally saying this earlier
H: Might start going to the later class where it’s a different instructor
F: What, and miss seeing me? 😂
H: You’ll join me, you know it’s not the same without me
F: Yeah when you were on holiday I did miss our chats after
H: Feel like all the extra classes are paying off and I am feeling fitter
F: yeah you are
H: Not quite at your level yet though 😂
H: I don’t think I’d squeeze in to some of your outfits
F: Oi 😂 sure I could find something you could squeeze into
H: As long as there’s no photos for evidence 😂

I told H I had seen these and he said they are completely innocent and clearly two friends having a joke, and that I’m paranoid/suspicious for no reason.

My mind is going mad, would you be annoyed if your H had sent these?

Agree with this. But you work with them (forced to spend time with them really) and you know them. Do you start communication and regular contact with a random person of the opposite sex that you aren’t forced to work with? I’d say no as it’s inappropriate and they’re probably not wanting to be friends.

Is he delusional? He wants to have his cake and eat it, greedy and selfish, boosting his ego.
I'd be very disappointed..

Yeah. If I saw these messages on DH phone I would probably dump him primarily for just how basic and unimaginative his flirting was

They’re flirting but she’s instigating it and he’s an idiot going along with it. The second chat, for example, begins with him being really innocent then she transforms it and crosses a line but he gets involved so isn’t entirely innocent. It’s evident they fancy one another, you’re not paranoid.

'sure I could find something you could squeeze into'!?

I'm not sure but that one might have actually gone over his head as his reply seems to still relate to clothing?! Either way it does sound flirty.

I hope since 07.36 today you’ve not only raised it with him but irrefutably re-established your boundary to him (putting it politely), confident now nearly PP have ruled out doubt for you.

Yes it's inappropriate, but he knows it so will try to fob you off as if it is nothing.

As per some pp saying they would divorce for this, I do think that is a bit ott but it is clear that you need a sit down conversation.

The bar is so low and women tolerate so much. I would absolutely end my marriage over this. If they haven’t fucked already they want to and they will.

Id leave them to it.

Both as bad as one another, both want to go further.
I would ask him/ her if they would like to fit their face in my fist. But im not tolerant of what i see / feel as shit behaviour friends or otherwise.

Seems like bants to me, but of low level flirty chat…probably a bit flattered with the attention & he’s rising to it

You'd leave your partner for him having a female friend and making jokes about going somewhere other than the gym in gym gear?

Violence isn't the answer though is it - shows people as weak usually.
Maybe a conversation about what's causing the snapping would yield better results

No, for repeatedly commenting how hawt she looked in it.

Yes, that’s why I said it 🙄

but that wasn’t the context the OP gave was it…

Hes angry because you see through his lies. Hes defo trying it on with her. I’d not be happy at all. I’d be telling him to pack his gym stuff ABD all his other stuff and gtf.
sorry op.

Agree. I banter with friends all the time, and it is never about fitting things inside me

Yes i know i wouldn't actuarly do it lol

… and he said they are completely innocent and clearly two friends having a joke, and that I’m paranoid/suspicious for no reason.

Said the gaslighter who is engaged in a mutual flirtation with this woman he fancies. @Vickiii88, your H and this OW are absolutely doing a simmering dance. They are both making moves.

I would blow this out of the water pronto. Their exchanges are loaded with sexual frisson, innuendo, and ego massages. He is indeed acting like a single guy — ogle-eyeing her leggings and mentioning her bra. When she makes the innuendo that she’ll find something that he can squeeze into, he laughingly responds ‘as long as there are no photos as evidence’. He knows exactly what she meant. They compliment each other, tease about missing each other, and she acknowledges missing him while he was on holiday. They clearly spend time together after each class. She wants him to come to the nights out [has he done so since?] and he wants her to join him in a later [evening?] class. Your friend has noticed how tactile they are.

He is treating you with utter disrespect and contempt, @Vickiii88. He has been carrying on this illicit flirtation that is clearly escalating. He has become snappy and dismissive of you, creating distance between you to justify and make room for his pursuit of OW. You have confronted him about the messages. If he truly valued you and your marriage, he would feel full of remorse for hurting you and would work to make amends. Instead, he minimized, gaslit, and shifted the blame to your being paranoid [you aren’t] to make you back off.

My advice: Get fierce and tell him you won’t be made a fool of. He is trampling on your boundaries and that is all that matters. Show him the door and tell him that you’re considering your options. Don’t even consider reconciling until he cuts off OW, changes gyms, and examines why he needs to pursue and lap up illicit thrills and is willing to shit all over you.

I wonder how your male colleagues wives would feel if they saw your flirty (but ‘oh so innocent!’ 🙄) texts to their husbands!

Grow up!

Some wives need to grow up and stop being controlling.
Men and women are allowed to be friends with people of the opposite sex even when married.He hasn't said anything about her being hot just commented on how ridiculous going out in their gym gear would be.

If they jointly own or rent a property she has no rights to show him the door.
She has every right to show herself the door and leave him if a couple of light hearted texts can tie her in so many knots.

What puzzles me is how you get to the stage of exchanging phone numbers with someone you chat to at the gym. I have lots of people I chat to at the gym - the vast majority are women - and I don’t have their phone numbers. There’s intention there in exchanging numbers. An intention to take it to the next level. In my case it would be to arrange a coffee with another middle aged woman. In this case, it’s to flirt / chat in private. That’s what makes me suspicious.

This is blatant flirting and I would be extremely concerned if this was my Partner.
the fact that he is treating you differently is also a red flag.

F: I can scrub up well you know
H: I don’t doubt that

Absolutely agree, can’t believe some of the responses on here, borderline, banter, FFS, honestly, what some women tolerate on here never ceases to surprise me.