Husband denying crush on woman at gym despite messages

[Vickiii88]

First of all I know people will probably disprove of me looking at someone else’s phone but I felt I had no choice because any time I’ve tried talking to my Husband about this he has dismissed me and shut me down as being ridiculous.

I’ve had suspicions he has grown close to someone at his gym for a while. It’s a national chain, quite cliquey with lots of classes etc and regular socials.

I’ve been suspicious because 1. I’ve seen this woman’s name flash up on his phone on several
occasions and he has been vague when I’ve asked about her, 2. A friend who goes to the gym attended the same class as them once and said they were very tactile and 3. He has been increasingly dismissive of me to the point of rudeness/snapping.

The messages go back months, this is one of the early ones:

‘Friend’ (F) and Husband (H)

F: Why haven’t you been on any of our nights out yet, they are not always at gym name you know? Next Friday is at X
H: Is that an invite then?
F: You know you are always invited
H: Will be odd seeing you not in your gym gear 😂
F: I can scrub up well you know
H: I don’t doubt that
F: Bit cold at the moment to be all dressed up, I need my layers 😂
H: Just wear your usual leggings then 👀
F: Oh yeah
H: Probably be a bit chilly in your sports bra mind
F: Yeah true

Another as recent as two weeks ago, which he instigated:

H: Do you feel like the classes have been a bit off recently, instructor name seems so abrupt
F: I was literally saying this earlier
H: Might start going to the later class where it’s a different instructor
F: What, and miss seeing me? 😂
H: You’ll join me, you know it’s not the same without me
F: Yeah when you were on holiday I did miss our chats after
H: Feel like all the extra classes are paying off and I am feeling fitter
F: yeah you are
H: Not quite at your level yet though 😂
H: I don’t think I’d squeeze in to some of your outfits
F: Oi 😂 sure I could find something you could squeeze into
H: As long as there’s no photos for evidence 😂

I told H I had seen these and he said they are completely innocent and clearly two friends having a joke, and that I’m paranoid/suspicious for no reason.

My mind is going mad, would you be annoyed if your H had sent these?

Definitely LTB. Awful. He’s so obviously trying to cheat.

I would hit the roof if I saw texts from another woman to my DH like this! I would demand he stop speaking to her immediately and change gyms and if he refused, he can get out! That's how I would deal with my DH!

If your DH isn't willing to stop, its because he doesn't want to. He's choosing his "friendship" with her over his marriage which to be honest says it all. None of which is down to you, he's disgusting.

My mind is going mad, would you be annoyed if your H had sent these? Annoyed? I’d be shoving his stuff in bin bags. I admit I have a zero tolerance policy for any shenanigans and can potentially be a bit unreasonable in this sort of thing, so I did show DH and he said ‘fucking hell, that’s full on flirting’. So that’s the verdict from the Pies household.

Essentially though, I don’t think it matters what anyone else thinks because we all have different boundaries. The only thing that matters is how you feel about it. It doesn’t sound like it has gone beyond flirting from the sound of those texts, so maybe you could tell him that he’s playing with fire, he’s about an inch away from losing your trust and fucking up his entire life, so whatever he does, he needs to be very sure that it’s the right decision because there will be no second chances. And then keep a watchful eye out.

But what’s the point? He clearly wants to cheat and will just find another woman to behave this way with, why waste time on this man when there are plently who won’t be trying to cheat

He's literally showing you what he is - wake up and run. Shitty behaviour on his part - what a fucking creep.

Both flirting in those messages and DH making it clear to her he's attracted to her, trying to disguise it as banter. I don't think anything has happened but if he goes on one of these night out you can be sure it will. Think this would be enough to be a deal breaker for me. The trust would be gone.

Im sure i could find something for you to squeeze into, blimey that full on flirting.

I have a strong platonic friendship, those messages aren’t platonic. The thought of sending that guff is nauseating. I’m sorry.

I bet they don’t think that.

That's not the way married men talk to women. That's the way single guys talk to women they fancy and are trying to get off with.
It's totally inappropriate OP and he is taking you for a fool if he says there is nothing going on between them.

Yep he's gaslighting you into thinking they're not flirting! It's all there in black and white.. talking about another woman's bra! I'm not sure what person would be ok with these messages. "Banter" or not I think it crosses a line and he should stop simply because he knows you - his wife - doesn't like it.

He’s waiting for something to happen there. I wouldn’t be surprised if it already had.
It’s not harmless.

Thanks everyone, backs up why I felt the need to raise it.

They are BOTH flirting in those messages.

Say you are going to join him at his classes and see his reaction.

Obviously we don’t know your circumstances but you would be well justified in showing him the door for those messages. If leaving is not an option at the very least he changes gym and cuts ties. To be honest though, at this point the trust is gone and you would just be waiting for him to start up his next “friendship”

I would be livid at these messages. This is flirting and he knows it.

Ugh. How unprofessional

Op this isn't a crush, because he's acting on it. As a minimum he's testing the waters for an affair. He's crossed so many red lines.

I also think this is much more than friendly banter. I think it looks quite clear that they fancy each other. Sorry! I think I would probably deal with it by asking him to stop texting her in this way (or at all) because it is hurtful to you. I'm not sure that will work though and I think I'd probably be looking at possible finances for splitting as a possibility.

OP, you need to find your spine now – seriously.

Stop doubting yourself. These messages are COMPLETELY unacceptable.

You know it, and you know the consequences. You’re just afraid of what that looks like (understandably).

Time to face it. I’m sorry.

If this was an open friendship around you I wouldn’t think anything of it. But the fact he doesn’t want to talk about a close enough friend that he’s catching up in other contexts to you is weird

YANBU. Any conversation about a female’s body and outfits is inappropriate chat when you are a married man!!!

As others have said, the constant references from your DH about her leggings and outfits makes these messages very sexually charged.
I'd be gutted if I found them on my DH's phone.

In his head he's already out the door.

I don’t actually think it’s that bad tbh but then I’m quite chill about that kind of thing.

I think some of these responses are very over the top. Very few people would end a marriage for some mild flirting.

they are flirty messages op, but that doesn’t mean he’s planning to cheat or this is some deep emotional affair. He obvs finds her attractive, likes her, they get on, have some flirty banter. Now on saying that, most people wouldn’t want their partner to do that. But again it doesn’t mean he’s testing the waters and fully intends to cheat or that she would cheat with him. He maybe, but those texts don’t mean that for sure;