Husband denying crush on woman at gym despite messages

[Vickiii88]

First of all I know people will probably disprove of me looking at someone else’s phone but I felt I had no choice because any time I’ve tried talking to my Husband about this he has dismissed me and shut me down as being ridiculous.

I’ve had suspicions he has grown close to someone at his gym for a while. It’s a national chain, quite cliquey with lots of classes etc and regular socials.

I’ve been suspicious because 1. I’ve seen this woman’s name flash up on his phone on several
occasions and he has been vague when I’ve asked about her, 2. A friend who goes to the gym attended the same class as them once and said they were very tactile and 3. He has been increasingly dismissive of me to the point of rudeness/snapping.

The messages go back months, this is one of the early ones:

‘Friend’ (F) and Husband (H)

F: Why haven’t you been on any of our nights out yet, they are not always at gym name you know? Next Friday is at X
H: Is that an invite then?
F: You know you are always invited
H: Will be odd seeing you not in your gym gear 😂
F: I can scrub up well you know
H: I don’t doubt that
F: Bit cold at the moment to be all dressed up, I need my layers 😂
H: Just wear your usual leggings then 👀
F: Oh yeah
H: Probably be a bit chilly in your sports bra mind
F: Yeah true

Another as recent as two weeks ago, which he instigated:

H: Do you feel like the classes have been a bit off recently, instructor name seems so abrupt
F: I was literally saying this earlier
H: Might start going to the later class where it’s a different instructor
F: What, and miss seeing me? 😂
H: You’ll join me, you know it’s not the same without me
F: Yeah when you were on holiday I did miss our chats after
H: Feel like all the extra classes are paying off and I am feeling fitter
F: yeah you are
H: Not quite at your level yet though 😂
H: I don’t think I’d squeeze in to some of your outfits
F: Oi 😂 sure I could find something you could squeeze into
H: As long as there’s no photos for evidence 😂

I told H I had seen these and he said they are completely innocent and clearly two friends having a joke, and that I’m paranoid/suspicious for no reason.

My mind is going mad, would you be annoyed if your H had sent these?

H: I don’t think I’d squeeze in to some of your outfits
F: Oi 😂 sure I could find something you could squeeze into
H: As long as there’s no photos for evidence 😂

Err? innocent banter NOT! Pretty sure they’re not talking about her clothing

Depends how much dignity you have I guess.
I might not end the marriage but I would be making it clear that if the messages didn't stop then I would

I don't need a man. So i am only going to be in a relationship with one if they behave respectfully

I think it’s possible he’s being off with you because he feels guilty. And he wants to just have fun with his flirting with her and in his mind you are getting in the way of that. So he’s displacing his uncomfortable feelings on you.

To me that exchange felt like testing of the waters from both of them. If he went to the drinks I think things would escalate. If you confront him his feelings of shame will likely make him gaslight you. Ideally he’ll open up and you can discuss what’s going on. To me they were flirting,

Borderline!!!!

Definitely flirting. I would be EXTREMELY unhappy.

I found my local gym full of lonely and predatory men. It was obvious from the looks I got from my first visit only to use the steam and spa.

Men tried to strike up conversations and I was watched all the time.

Could easily see how women could end up with phone numbers and drinks invites.

For me those messages would be very unwelcome from a married man.

There would be competition from other men at the same gym so she may well feel part of a group and safe to flirt. She may be getting these messages from a number of different men. It may be a competitive thing in a way.

That said I would be sad and disappointed if my DH was sending them. He does have female work friends. They talk about pets and children and holidays. They know about me. Not their clothes or appearance. That's where the line is crossed.

They are both pathetic, "I miss you"
"you can wear your leggings"

I mean classic, super-dull affair partners or what?

Would I be annoyed? I’d be divorcing him.

That’s gym people for you. Dull AF.

They are flirting with each other and its not ok.

Imagine if you were texting a hot male PT from the gym and saying things to him like "looking forward to the gym night out- you might be cold in those tiny cycling shorts though! 🤣" and this carrying on. I highly DOUBT your husband would be perfectly ok with this.

Sorry but if it were me, I'd be drawing a hard boundary- this is not ok.

Yeah draw a boundary on flirting first and then being boring second. You can't live with a boring man.

I think some of these responses are very over the top. Very few people would end a marriage for some mild flirting

Noone is suggesting OP run to see a divorce lawyer right now, they are saying she needs to tell him she feels disrespected.

If he wont do anything about it- prefers to carry on flirting with a woman from the gym than care about his own wife's feelings then yes, that indicates a far deeper issue in the marriage that may well not be fixable long term.

Definitely flirting and definitely testing the waters . I would be really upset and personally for me this would be enough to start considering whether I would stay in the marriage

Flirtatious and inappropriate and not only that he feels the need to gaslight you into telling you that you’re paranoid. No doubt he will now tell her that you’re annoyed, she will agree how ridiculous you are and then he will run to her for “emotional support”.

I agree - it’s almost like some kind of grooming.

I think it's flirting rather than banter. It's all 'I miss you when you're not there' and about how good she looks and her clothes / body. Does he send similar messages to his male friends about missing them and what they're wearing? I doubt it

He enjoys having his head turned by an attractive female, and having a boost to his ego .He is being snappy with you as you are getting in the way of him having " fun" .Dont put up with it OP.He needs to stop going to that gym right now .I would lay it on the line,dont be put off by his excuses .If he doesnt want to stop going then he is putting his fun above your marriage

Jesus, if those are borderline I would hate to see what people think are inappropriate

Outright flirting at this level is a betrayal on a par with an affair. It's obvious he would like to fuck her. Many women would find this very hard to live with, and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way.

OP, I think in your shoes I would confront him with those messages and tell him he either cuts off all contact and attends couple therapy with you to try and repair the damage, or he packs his bags and moves out.

This is flirting with capital letters, there's something going on between these two. Unless he's the boyfriend from heaven and treats me amazing in other aspects i would dump him just for this.

Agree.

How do you know that the men you are flirting with want nothing to happen?

I'd class it as flirting. How bothered I'd be would depend on DH and his relationships with women generally. And probably the kind of gym it is.

DHs gym is really serious and I have no issues with any of the women there. His previous gym was full of posers that I wouldn't have trusted further than I could chuck a barbell.

This. If you still want to give him a chance to correct himself, it needs to be serious... so one and one only.