I’m unable to “sleep when baby sleeps” - is this some kind of sick joke?

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Exactly as the post title says. I’m a first-time mum and yes, I expected to be tired, have baby waking me up etc, but what I didn’t foresee was that I would be unable to get back to sleep every time baby wakes.

An example of last night:

I went to bed approx 10:20pm, baby went to sleep 9:20pm. Baby then woke 11:50pm exactly. After seeing if he would self-soothe it was clear he wouldn’t, so I fed him and he went back to sleep at 12:15am but I could NOT get back to sleep. I lay awake crying as the worry of me not getting to sleep was getting to me. He then woke 4am for another feed and at this point my body is in agony due to no sleep and he starts becoming active at this time in the morning or unsettled. I fed him, he then went back to sleep until approx 7:45am. I then had to be somewhere for 9:30am and I got there and broke down in tears.

My body is in PAIN when I wake up, my digestive system has started playing up and I get tummy aches and headaches. I’ve never had these issues until this sleeping situation started.

My baby is six months old and eats lots, so I worry sleep training is off the table because he genuinely seems hungry. I don’t even think waking once-twice at night at six months is bad anyway, it’s not his fault.

I speak to some mums (friends) who look at me in a way as if to say “stop moaning” and it pisses me off because baby waking at night is NOT the same as baby waking at night then you CANNOT get back to sleep.

I am back at work and my job is very flexible, so I’m finding myself going back to bed when he goes to nursery and wasting half the day because some mornings I feel like I’m going to DIE my body is in that much pain from no sleep. Last night I had two hours sleep????

My baby is a good sleeper really, when he’s asleep he’s very deep and falls off very easily. But his noises when he’s unsettled etc wake me up then I just can’t sleep. Even if he’s in his own room too, he is still going to wake for a feed so this isn’t a solution.

DH doesn’t want to sleep train until he’s 1, and DH does some of the nights and as I didn’t feel he was being supportive I decided to increase work hours so that he also shares more nights as when I was off it didn’t seem reasonable to share nights but at least this way I can catchup on some sleep in the mornings.

I cannot cope, I cannot. This is breaking me. Any advice appreciated

According to my mother in law if you can't sleep at the click of your fingers you can't be that tired 😂

On a realistic note all that stress adrenaline will be keeping you up. Very few people, if any at all, can "sleep when baby sleeps" - this is a myth. If you have someone to help take the baby in the mornings when he/she wakes up then ask them to do this so you can get a lie in otherwise hang in there as it won't last forever. My youngest started to sleep through age 3.5...

No advice to offer, only a hand hold because I know exactly how you feel, I too am someone who has always struggled with sleep no matter how tired I am. All I can say is that you will get through it and one day it will be a distant memory xx

I find magnesium supplements really help me get a more restful sleep and drift back off especially when I'm stressed which you sound like you might be (my 3rd baby is 8m old. I'm permanently stressed. Wakes twice a night. Won't sleep anywhere other than on me, in bed with me and with a boob in her mouth 🤣 What I do know is every baby is different, sleep training never worked for us, it does pass. Hope that helps give you some hope)

You poor thing!
I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat because I was bloody exhausted. I found breastfeeding made me very sleepy, it's such a soporific sensation. Can you feed the baby in your bed?

Magnesium supplements. It doesn’t work every night for me but it works for me
more nights than it doesn’t work. If there are noises keeping you awake, you also need ear plugs. You can get ones that will still allow you to hear when baby cries.

ETA - if magnesium supplements read the reviews and get a highly absorbable one. Or look into a spray.

I understand what you’re going through.

My situation was a bit different because I didn’t have to go to work. But my baby did not sleep at night at all.

It turns out he was severely autistic. He would have a sleep in the morning and that was his longest stretch so I started sleeping then.

His sleep didn’t improve until he was three and the paediatrician signed off on him being prescribed melatonin.

I take melatonin as well and I’ve developed ways to fall asleep.

There are brain exercises and breathing exercises you can do to help fall asleep.

Sympathies, insomnia is horrendous. If it's persistent, see your GP. Could be something hormonal like postpartum thyroiditis, but even if not they might be able to prescribe something short term.

Sympathy 💐

2 tips to try for you

1. Google "Progressive muscle relaxation NHS" for audio tracks to help you sleep
2. Also there's a technique where you think of words starting with last letter of previous words "french" "hotel" "llama" "apple" etc i think people in the marines or something use this?? I was soooooo skeptical but it works for me!!

personally, I would also start sleep training around 6-7 months if you are going to anyway. For complex reasons we didnt with dc2 until 11m and it was much harder. Earlier is better.
Our version isnt the extreme version but there's no chitchat or playing woth baby minimal contact baby is confirmed in cot.
As they got bigger wed leave them 5ins or so in the middle of the night to see if they self settle.
Also makes sure the room isnt too cold - i know all the dafe sleep guidance but honestly if the room is cold it wakes them up ime.

Separately...
it sounds obvious but i didnt realise Sleep is NOT linear 🫠🫠🫠 so sickness teething etc sleep will change and you'll likely need to come back to it again.

Bf or bottle? If you are bf, i think there are hormones etc, it makes you sleepy. I reckon this is where "sleep when baby sleeps" came from, you bf them and both fall asleep....

I worked on not thinking I needed to go to sleep and just thinking I’m going to rest.

Have you tried that? Just m some simple breathing exercises close your eyes and try and focus on something peaceful. You may find it helps you actually go to sleep but even if it doesn’t it’s lots more restful and less stressful than lying there thinking “oh god I’m not sleeping”. I did definitely have this at times with my first and it is horrible so I very much sympathise. Hope you find something that helps you x

Can you switch to bottles so you don’t have to disrupt your sleep every night. Few nights of long sleep might get you back on track.

I am bottle feeding currently. I stopped breastfeeding two months because I wasn’t producing enough milk sadly

Sleep when the baby sleeps is utter bullshit, don't fall for it. Some babies only sleep in the car or in buggies, what are you meant to do then?! My son woke every 1-2 hours for years, it was hell. I managed on very little. You also are more alert as a mum as you are listening out for his wakes. Can dad take him out for the day and you catch up? Or cover some nights and you use earplugs? You have my sympathy, its shit. I don't agree with sleep training (no judgement, just don't agree with it for my family) so I coslept (follow the safe guidelines to a t) and that made it a LOT easier.

Magnesium supplements I have and have been taking on and off with so many other supplements I sometimes forget to take - I’ll have to be more disciplined and ensure to take it without fail

I remember getting very little sleep (like 2 hours per night) because I had 2 refluxy babies, but I don't remember any pain. Maybe that's just your reaction to limited sleep anyway or maybe you do need to see the GP. I cried every day for the first year I think (but still couldn't fall asleep). DH did more of the nights than me in the end because he could go back to sleep quickly. My youngest didn't sleep through the night until he was 8.5 years old, by which time I was ruined (especially as DH had died when little one was 3). I now fall asleep much more quickly - I think my hormones changed - but I'm still a very light sleeper now when ds2 is 15!!

I don't think 6 month olds who are eating well in the day need to feed at night. Mine stopped by about 3 months. Maybe your baby is seeking comfort instead?

I sometimes co-sleep usually after 4am because until then he sleeps ok just usually wakes between 12-2am for a feed. I haven’t tried co sleeping all night maybe this is worth a try.

When my children were little I prioritised going to bed REALLY early. Especially if your baby is bottle fed, can you leave him with your partner for the evening, and go to bed much earlier?

I know this might be a bit annoying if you can't then spend much time together but this is just a season and if you are physically struggling so much with the lack of sleep, I really think you need to prioritise your health.

"I feel like I’m going to DIE my body is in that much pain from no sleep."

I wonder if there's something else affecting you physically, and keeping you awake (or disturbing you when you node off). I've struggled to get to sleep again while looking after a young baby, but never experienced physical pain from being tired. Have you had this pain before you had the baby? I think it may be worth seeing the doctor about these physically symptoms you're getting.

I had this, though from 1 - 6 months, then we sleep trained.

I suggest your DH takes a couple of weeks off work and does all the nights for a fortnight so you can get the sleep you desperately need and let your body get back into the pattern of sleeping at night.

Once you’ve had a few nights of decent sleep, you won’t feel as anxious about not getting back to sleep and that might all by itself be all you need. But it might not. It can also help to develop a ritual for settling after the baby wakes. A lavender spray for your pillow, a set of gentle stretches, a sleep meditation you can play. Etc. and a plan for how you can get more sleep the next night (e.g. if you and DH always swap one night on, one night off, you know the next night will be good because DH will do it and you can sleep through. ) The plan is so you can catch up on the sleep you need but also to relieve the anxiety about not getting enough sleep, which is probably not helping. The not focusing on trying to get to sleep also helps me. I had a little fantasy I replayed in my head where I had a little bedsit. All to myself. Very relaxing!

Also, if you are this desperate and other plans don’t work, you need to push the sleep training. If DH is set against it, he can do all the waking You cannot continue like this. It’s bad for you and your baby.

Poor you op, you sound exhausted. Going back to work when your baby is so tiny is really tough. I went back to work full time when mine were 9 and 10 months old, and it was exhausting.

But the insomnia you're describing is not normal. You need to see your gp. In the meantime, try cognitive shuffling. It really works for me.

It is tiring having a baby. It does get better.

I second seeing your GP, just in case e.g. your thyroid isn't functioning well (which can impact sleep). I had a period of not being able to sleep and six weeks later found out I had postpartum thyroiditis.

it's a remote chance, but worth checking out with GP I think

Close your eyes and open your mouth. Trust me.

Another vote for magnesium supplements (from the tired mother of a 7 month old waking a lot for feeds, and who is also often lying awake with a racing brain - the nights I remember to take magnesium are much better, especially when I remember to take it a few days in a row!)

Hugs, it is so hard. I think we all "know" it'll be tiring but dont contemplate that tiredness is then compounded by stress and it becomes a vicious circle.

I couldn’t sleep when DS slept. I think I had PNA anyway, but after four months of insomnia I definitely did. Sertraline and melatonin sorted me out. We also put DS in his own room and sleep trained at 7 months - he had a regression at 13 months and went back to waking once or twice a night for a few more months, but by that point my insomnia was fixed so it wasn’t an issue.

I really feel for you; I’m now 21 weeks pregnant with number 2 but it took until DS was 2.5 for the sleep deprivation hangover to have faded enough to even think about starting again.