I’m unable to “sleep when baby sleeps” - is this some kind of sick joke?

[untitled1]

Exactly as the post title says. I’m a first-time mum and yes, I expected to be tired, have baby waking me up etc, but what I didn’t foresee was that I would be unable to get back to sleep every time baby wakes.

An example of last night:

I went to bed approx 10:20pm, baby went to sleep 9:20pm. Baby then woke 11:50pm exactly. After seeing if he would self-soothe it was clear he wouldn’t, so I fed him and he went back to sleep at 12:15am but I could NOT get back to sleep. I lay awake crying as the worry of me not getting to sleep was getting to me. He then woke 4am for another feed and at this point my body is in agony due to no sleep and he starts becoming active at this time in the morning or unsettled. I fed him, he then went back to sleep until approx 7:45am. I then had to be somewhere for 9:30am and I got there and broke down in tears.

My body is in PAIN when I wake up, my digestive system has started playing up and I get tummy aches and headaches. I’ve never had these issues until this sleeping situation started.

My baby is six months old and eats lots, so I worry sleep training is off the table because he genuinely seems hungry. I don’t even think waking once-twice at night at six months is bad anyway, it’s not his fault.

I speak to some mums (friends) who look at me in a way as if to say “stop moaning” and it pisses me off because baby waking at night is NOT the same as baby waking at night then you CANNOT get back to sleep.

I am back at work and my job is very flexible, so I’m finding myself going back to bed when he goes to nursery and wasting half the day because some mornings I feel like I’m going to DIE my body is in that much pain from no sleep. Last night I had two hours sleep????

My baby is a good sleeper really, when he’s asleep he’s very deep and falls off very easily. But his noises when he’s unsettled etc wake me up then I just can’t sleep. Even if he’s in his own room too, he is still going to wake for a feed so this isn’t a solution.

DH doesn’t want to sleep train until he’s 1, and DH does some of the nights and as I didn’t feel he was being supportive I decided to increase work hours so that he also shares more nights as when I was off it didn’t seem reasonable to share nights but at least this way I can catchup on some sleep in the mornings.

I cannot cope, I cannot. This is breaking me. Any advice appreciated

I think your mistake is looking at the clock. I remember it was far better when you don't think "oh no it's 4am, only an hour before it's basically the day"

I had the same issue...I really feel your pain. Its so utterly frustrating. The only thing that did work was going to bed super early and leaving DH in charge so i knew I probably would not be woken.

I really feel for you, OP. I am a rubbish sleeper and can’t nap at the best of times, so have never been able to “sleep when baby sleeps”. With my first especially, I remember feeling bone tired but somehow unable to get to sleep after waking up to feed him.

It sounds as though your baby actually sleeps pretty well, but the issue is with you getting back to sleep, so I’m not sure sleep training would help really. I have found that keeping my phone well out of reach in a separate room helps, otherwise I start randomly googling all my insomniac thoughts. I sometimes make my husband hide it so I can’t go and get it when some random thing enters my brain at 2am. I also think a warm drink and maybe ever a bath might help? But am following for other ideas!

ETA. I also co-slept/sleep with babies two and three as I think a cosy baby helps send me back to sleep. This might be a bit more tricky if bottle feeding as I imagine that you have to wake up properly to get/give the milk, though I’m not sure.

It doesn’t sound like you need to sleep train him in all honesty (even if you do there’ll be times he’ll regress slightly with illness or teething etc), you need to sleep train yourself for want of a better word, and try and find ways to get back to sleep (whether that’s medication or holistic approaches). The issue doesn’t actually seem to be his sleeping, but your inability to get back to sleep.

My two have always been HORRENDOUS at night, I haven’t had a chunk of more than 3 hours in 4.5 years, and I often find myself unable to sleep because I’m stressed about how tired I’ll be at work, then thinking well they’ll wake soon anyway so I may as well stay awake now. It’s such a vicious cycle. Sounds obvious but for me it’s a) magnesium and b) not looking at my phone - even to check the time. Firstly if I don’t know the time I’m not stressed, and secondly the minute I see the screen my brain wakes up. Also once or twice a week I go to bed at 7pm (thought my 30s would be more fun tbh 😅😅)

I had this problem with my first baby starting around 7 months - being woken in the early hours and not getting back to sleep. DH ended up taking him into the spare room after I fed him at 2/3am and coslept with him there, meaning I had an undisturbed stretch till he needed to get ready for work. Wasn't perfect but it helped massively with the anxiety just knowing I wasn't going to be disturbed again for at least a few hours, and luckily DH sleeps like a log. Sleep deprivation is miserable though - hang in there!

I think you need to address your insomnia, sleep training the baby won’t help as you’ll be awake a lot more in the night whilst you’re doing the “training”, and it doesn’t work for lots of babies; and it doesn’t mean they’ll never wake again. See the GP; look at supplements / exercise / diet / caffeine intake / meditation. Do you think you could be experiencing anxiety? I’ve been quite fortunate with my night sleep (have a 12 month old), EBF which I have read can help with getting back to sleep. I have also been doing A LOT of walking as she mostly only naps in the buggy. But I have rarely napped in the day; even when she’s had bad nights. I just cannot switch off in the day. I do wonder if you’d benefit from an earlier bedtime? Im pretty much always asleep by 9.30.

Are you surviving on caffeine throughout the day as I recently figured out that bad habit had me on a permanent adrenaline high!

Also, any Grannies around that would probably love to take them for a sleepover?

I had this with my first, I would have a sleep podcast on that turned off after 30-60mins that helped me to get to sleep.

I’m someone who overthinks and worries about not being able to sleep that I then can’t sleep

I really feel your pain @untitled1 - I had the exact same trouble when I had DS. He was waking every 3-4 hours to feed, taking an hour to feed then having to be held upright for 20 mins after each feed because of reflux, and I was having to pump after every feed to try and up my milk supply. I’d then be so wired that I just lay staring at the ceiling and would still be awake when he next woke for a feed. It was absolutely hellish.

I had never been a great sleeper but this was on another level. My Apple Watch was logging 2-3 hours broken sleep a night and that was with me going to bed at 8pm.

I tried the GP various times because I felt so run down that I was in physical pain and I was just dismissed each time as “not being prepared for the realities of having a baby”. I genuinely thought I was losing my mind.

By the time he was 3.5yo, my sleep still hadn’t resolved and I was clocking 3-4 hours on an average night and 4-5 hours broken sleep on a very good night.
Eventually the doctors agreed to do investigations and it turned out that I had a severely underactive thyroid (autoimmune condition - Hashimotos) which had actually been triggered by my pregnancy and the symptoms had hit me like a brick wall.

Hopefully things resolve soon for you but if not, please push for investigations and advocate for yourself!

If you are both working and your DH gets back to sleep easily then surely he needs to do most of the nights?

Poor you. I'm a similar anxious sleeper. I breastfed but got into a right state of sleep deprivation with my first. I caught up in the day as would keel over and nap when he did (I didn't work then!). My second was a dreadful sleeper and fed every 45 mins!! (He is autistic!) So I had to co sleep or if never have functioned enough in the day to cope with a toddler as well! My third I just co slept and fed and drifted back to sleep much better. When I stopped co sleeping I actually wore ear plugs as I was so alert to every little sound they made, still went to then every time they needed me.

If your bottle feeding, can your other half take the first half if the night feeding so you can get a solid chunk of sleep then?? As you are working too?

Hats off to you doing this and working. I could never sleep either with baby in the room as was conscious of all her movements and noises etc and was on the alert for her waking. We swore by shifts with both of ours. I would go to bed about 8pm and have a good block of sleep. Partner would be on duty and then I would take over in early hours. We had baby downstairs so the bedroom was a quiet space for us to sleep properly. Did also nap downstairs when we were on duty. I was still on mat leave so I'm not sure how this would work with you needing to be up for work.

Binaural beats are worth a try, earbuds in, don't 'try' to go to sleep. Magnesium definitely.
open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DWYILo9WhOOw6?si=63qHzmxmSVeqot3Bv-EgdA&pi=Si6-uegCQIqlJ

I experienced something very similar. It turns out it was severe anxiety causing insomnia. Like you, I’d basically got into a horrible cycle of worrying about not being able to get to sleep / not getting enough sleep and then consequently not being able to sleep. The adrenaline used to pulse in my body as I got more and more wound up. The worry and exhaustion was horrendous.

I tried literally everything but in the end the solution was to take a low dose of Sertraline. It took a few weeks but then it literally changed my life. The anxiety reduced and I went back to sleeping as normal.

Please don’t decide to sleep train your baby based on this. Your baby’s night waking is not the problem. Night waking is a protective mechanism and babies are hard wired to need comfort. It actually sounds like your baby is a very good sleeper.

If your situation is like mine, the problem that needs fixing lies within you (but isn’t your fault!) and won’t necessarily be fixed by sleep training. Other things might wake you (illness, needing the loo, your baby being poorly, sleep regressions etc) and the cycle will start again.

I know exactly how you feel and its the worst! I had a good few weeks of this and I got myself into a real panic spiral about not sleeping and counting down to babies next wake up (making me too stressed to sleep!) I used sleep hypnosis/ meditation sessions. You can find loads of them on YouTube. I would also reccomend the HeadSpace app which has sleep meditations and sleep stories you could try. I think they help focus your brain on something other than your worried thoughts about not sleeping, and that allows you to drift off. Even if you dont actually fall alseep I would tell myself that at least I was resting and relaxing my brain in a way that I wasnt when I was just lying there feeling terrible!

Not read the whole thread, but I haven’t had a decent nights sleep since my daughter was born. She’s 26 now 🙄.

Yes to Sertraline because it's breastfeeding-friendly (or was 16yrs ago)

Don't be ridiculous - you can't take antidepressants just because your baby is waking up 2x a night. You do realise they have side effects?

You either need to split the night with your husband or split the week with your husband - so one of you does the first feed and one does the second feed each night or one does one night and one does the other.

I think she was posting in agreement with my post. If so, no one is saying take anti depressants because her baby is waking twice a night. If it is severe anxiety meaning she can’t get to sleep once woken (like it was for me) then anti depressants are a completely valid option, and the only thing that actually helped me.

DH gets to weigh in on sleep training after a month of doing all the night feedings.

I guarantee he'll be singing a different song at that point.

Tell him the ball is now firmly in his court.
Buy yourself a container of earplugs. Stick a pair into your ears every night. Tell DH you'll see him on the other side...

You'll experience restless sleep every night for a while but do not take the load off your H. He clearly needs to see for himself what you're talking about.

Poor you, it’s so hard isn’t it.

I could never sleep when my daughter was a baby. It drove me dolally and worse. I was high on adrenaline, I couldn’t relax ever. I’ve never been a napper and could probably count the amount of times I’ve fallen asleep during the day on one hand.
I used to feel very annoyed when people told me to sleep when the baby sleeps. Have we met?! 🤣
In the end lack of sleep was making me depressed (I am not saying this is this is the case for you, but this was over the course of 2 years) so I went to the doctors and explained and they prescribed me mirtazapine which finally allowed me to switch off.
I also took magnesium and used lush’s sleepy body butter to which did help.
Also reading and desert island discs . And the realisation that you’ll sleep properly again.

Hope you get some rest x

Not being able to sleep for me really peaked when DD was around 6 months and was sleeping badly- I just couldn't switch off afterwards and had racing thoughts and worries etc. I think some of it was just feeling like I was waiting for her to wake up again, retrospectively I think I also had post partum anxiety. It did get better as she got bigger. I also switched to co sleeping around this time and found myself falling back to sleep more quickly as I didn't need to wake up fully when she did (I appreciate this may be harder with having to prepare a bottle).

Sending lots of empathy anyway and hoping you can get some sleep soon- I know it's cliche but it does get better! ❤

OP I feel your pain, I experienced similar when both my kids were babies. I found 5HTP supplement which you can get from places like Holland and Barrett pretty effective when my son was a baby and I was struggling to get back to sleep after night wakings, it didn’t work all the time but did most of the time. After my daughter (second child) I had to go back to work sooner and the 5HTP wasn’t helping me with getting back to sleep after night wakings (I was pretty stressed at the time). I was exhausted and went to my GP. They prescribed quite a low dose of amitriptyline which was a game changer. Also unlike over the counter sleeping aids I found I wasn’t groggy in the morning. I took it for quite some time but annoyingly after a while a new GP refused to renew my prescription. My daughter was older at this point and not waking in the night. Bit annoying as it was so helpful for me and it’s not addictive apparently but I suppose there are likely side effects.

Anyway, I’d go to your GP, they should be able to help with some medication for short term solution as well as advice for behaviours you can adopt/change to help in longer term similar to what other posters have mentioned. I don’t disagree that things like mindfulness will help, but they all take time and I think you could probably get some medication for some short term help given you are so exhausted. You could try 5HTP first too but expect prescription medication will be more effective

I’m sorry to read this. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture after all. I feel your pain.

I think someone mentioned up thread that it could be the anxiety and worry about NOT sleeping. Do you count the hours - if I fall asleep now ill only get….hours of sleep.

can you read or something or listen to an audio book to stop you thinking about it? Almost admit that you been sleep. Then your body may give in.

I feel your pain, I had exactly the same problem after my first DS. I did the sleepio programme which might be worth a look
https://www.sleepio.com/sleepio/nhs/391#1/1