I’m unable to “sleep when baby sleeps” - is this some kind of sick joke?

[untitled1]

Exactly as the post title says. I’m a first-time mum and yes, I expected to be tired, have baby waking me up etc, but what I didn’t foresee was that I would be unable to get back to sleep every time baby wakes.

An example of last night:

I went to bed approx 10:20pm, baby went to sleep 9:20pm. Baby then woke 11:50pm exactly. After seeing if he would self-soothe it was clear he wouldn’t, so I fed him and he went back to sleep at 12:15am but I could NOT get back to sleep. I lay awake crying as the worry of me not getting to sleep was getting to me. He then woke 4am for another feed and at this point my body is in agony due to no sleep and he starts becoming active at this time in the morning or unsettled. I fed him, he then went back to sleep until approx 7:45am. I then had to be somewhere for 9:30am and I got there and broke down in tears.

My body is in PAIN when I wake up, my digestive system has started playing up and I get tummy aches and headaches. I’ve never had these issues until this sleeping situation started.

My baby is six months old and eats lots, so I worry sleep training is off the table because he genuinely seems hungry. I don’t even think waking once-twice at night at six months is bad anyway, it’s not his fault.

I speak to some mums (friends) who look at me in a way as if to say “stop moaning” and it pisses me off because baby waking at night is NOT the same as baby waking at night then you CANNOT get back to sleep.

I am back at work and my job is very flexible, so I’m finding myself going back to bed when he goes to nursery and wasting half the day because some mornings I feel like I’m going to DIE my body is in that much pain from no sleep. Last night I had two hours sleep????

My baby is a good sleeper really, when he’s asleep he’s very deep and falls off very easily. But his noises when he’s unsettled etc wake me up then I just can’t sleep. Even if he’s in his own room too, he is still going to wake for a feed so this isn’t a solution.

DH doesn’t want to sleep train until he’s 1, and DH does some of the nights and as I didn’t feel he was being supportive I decided to increase work hours so that he also shares more nights as when I was off it didn’t seem reasonable to share nights but at least this way I can catchup on some sleep in the mornings.

I cannot cope, I cannot. This is breaking me. Any advice appreciated

I couldn’t remember to take the tablets either so maybe look into the spray. I keep it on my bedside table and when I’m wondering why I can’t sleep, I usually remember I haven’t had the spray.

Oh and DS was breastfeed for bloody ages but no way could I have fallen asleep with him physically attached to me. My ideal sleeping situation would be in a sensory isolation pod with absolutely no sound and no touch. I don’t even like sharing a bed with DH tbh.

Split your nights with dh. You go up to bed at 8pm and are not disturbed until your shift begins at 2.30, dh then gets his sleep shift. You should then only have one wake up each to manage.

maybe give baby porridge late on and a fresh nappy to try and get a better block?

@untitled1 i had precisely what you describe, down to the letter and I was diagnosed with post partum anxiety.
I had to go on anti depressants (and they were very effective and I would not hesitate to go on them again)

It’s easier to do this when you only have one child, I used to put the baby down at say 8pm and I would go to sleep then too. Then the baby would wake at say 10 or 11pm and I could feed and go back to sleep and then it wasn’t so painful if the rest of the night was dreadful - obviously even better if you can go to bed super early abc your partner and husband deal with the baby so you can four or five hours of uninterrupted sleep.

When I had my second child all bets were off as he never slept and even if by some miracle he did sleep the toddler was awake. Those were very grim times indeed.

another vote for what @SalmonOnFinnCrisp said about distracting your brain by thinking of words starting with random letters.

There was an article I read about this and they said the reason it works is because the wakefulness thing is an evolutionary survival reaction - your brain gets into an alert mode to watch for danger if you're woken up in the night (it's not good for survival of the species to be woken up by a noise that could be a bear in camp and just say 'that's nice' and go back to sleep). By talking calm nonsense at it you reassure your brain that you are awake and there is no danger, so it lets you go back to sleep. (whereas most peoples' reaction is to think about work or jobs they need to do, or something stupid they said 10 years ago, or a tv show, and your brain knows you're thinking and guesses there might still be danger if you're thinking about stuff so keeps you awake).

Sleep when your baby sleeps is advice for mums who aren't working - it is really just giving permission to catch up on sleep during the day or any time you get the chance.

It isn't a joke, it's helpful for many, but it doesn't work as well for anyone working or if you have older kids.

I can see a couple of ways forward. Of course YYMV.

Work less if that is an option, and spend more time sleeping when you get the chance. Naps are great.

Sleep train. Your baby can eat enough during the day. If he can't nurse at night he will change his nursing habits at other times - be prepared for a lot of nursing in the evening. I would not wait for one year, it is imo harder then, in fact even six months is a bit later than is ideal. (I realise that is controversial, but I think at 5 months is usually the best time in terms of the baby adopting a new routine most easily.)

Give him his own room if his small noises wake you. It's not ideal, but if you are a very light sleeper it might be the only option. Also - avoid baby monitors if you can. In most cases an upset baby will cry out so you can hear, you don't need to hear every fussy moment or noise. (Exceptions might be a very large house or baby with some kind of illness.)

You could/should also look at taking measures to improve your sleep. All the usual things people without babies do, sleep hygiene, avoiding things that stimulate the brain before bed, meditation, etc.

Things do start to get easier from 6 months for most people, it's slow, but especially if you pay attention to establishing good sleep you will start to see your baby mature in a way that is slightly less exhausting.

Just my opinion obviously but I wouldn't start co-sleeping now. I find that in the first months it helps with sleep, but the closer you get to a year the more it does the opposite. Then you need to break the habit which is fraught.

I had two under two and a single parent so I know how bad sleep deprivation is. The longest stretch I was getting was 2 hours ish for months and months at one point. They still both wake me up at least once a night and my eldest is 9. I highly recommend melatonin and magnesium.

I completely feel you. I was back at work full-time with a kid that woke every 2 hours maximum and it almost broke me. The only things that worked were 1) dream feeding when I was just about to go to sleep so they would be asleep from the longest period after that and 2) co-sleeping. I know a lot of people say 'co-sleeping babies don't sleep as well', but I think it's the other way around, if you baby doesn't sleep as well then co-sleeping means you can settle them without waking as much. Dads can co-sleep and you can take it in turns if needed, it's just about being able to respond quickly rather than waking fully

Mindfulness meditation videos on youtube always worked to send me back off to sleep between wakes!

Are you bottle or breastfeeding? It bottle, bring the stuff upstairs so you don’t need to properly wake up going downstairs with lights on etc.

Have you go other stress/anxiety keeping you from sleeping? I was expecting this to be about baby waking loads but it sounds quite normal, just a pain you’re struggling to get back down. Have you tried headphones with music? That often helps me block thoughts out.

Also how is your husband coping? If you’re higher sleep needs and he isn’t struggling surely he can take a bit more of the slack? I’m better with getting up at night and my wife is better at early mornings so mostly I do the nights (which works as I’m still bf) and then if either of our kids wake up from 0430 onwards she takes over so I get a lie in.

If your DH doesn't want to sleep train then he needs to step up massively before you break. He can take a week or two off and do all nights while you recover.
I'm willing to bet he's not doing much parenting. Or at least, not the horrible parts.

It's so tough. I've got a 5 month old who wakes up every 1-2 hours, and has done so for the last 6 weeks. He also doesn't nap properly in the day time unless we've been for a long walk in the pram, or a drive, or he's on me. I've had a head cold for 10 days now that just won't let up, probably because I get zero meaningful rest. I can't take much for it as a breastfeed. I also have a toddler.

It is relentless. There is no rest. No sick days. No peace. You're not alone.

i could only cope with it by co-sleeping, but i know not everyone is comfortable with that.

DW was the same. I started giving a bottle of formula at midnight. DD slept longer on formula than BM. This meant DW could sleep from the 9pm feed to the morning feed. Good luck!

Why would you tell someone who’s desperately sleep deprived that your child didn’t sleep through until age 3.5? You’re effectively telling her she’s got 3 more years of hanging in there!

Are you medicated for your anxiety op?

Could you and your do split the night rather then doing alternate nights? So he does wake ups between 10pm and 3am and you do between 3am and 8am kinda thing? Then youve got a solid stretch of sleep each night

Can you put baby to bed at 7 pm . Their next wake up for milk is likely to be 10/11 ISH which DH can do before he goes to bed. You can get an early night and just do one wake up at 4 and then co sleep until time to get up??

I had this problem for about 4 years when DS went to waking once. I ended up getting a subscription to Headspace and instead of lying awake worrying about getting back to sleep I used to listen to a soundscape and would end up drifting off. It was having a distraction from not being able to sleep that helped.

Maybe I read the OP wrong, but her problem isn't her baby - a six month old waking twice a night is really good - it's that she can't get back to sleep in between wakes.

I realise that her baby sleeping through would solve that problem, but sorting the insomnia seems more plausible (to me, anyway) than sorting the baby's sleep.

I get exactly how you feel - the fear of the baby waking up again stopped me falling back to sleep. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. Can you partner help for half the night so you know the pressure is off? Maybe go to bed at 8 and let him do bed time?

Are you getting out of bed to feed your baby? If so, is it the getting out of bed bit that's making you fully awake?

If you're breastfeeding, can you try co-sleeping? DS started off in a cot but I learnt that everyone got more sleep if we co slept.

If you're bottle-feeding, is it possible to get your partner to do obe of the wake ups?

I went through something similar when my DD was a baby OP. As soon as you start thinking about sleep as something you need to achieve, and you start worrying about it, because you think your entire wellbeing depends on your ability to sleep, you’ll put yourself under so much pressure that your body will produce a fight or flight response. This is how insomnia starts. I’d recommend reading one of Daniel Erichsen’s books, and start relaxing about sleep. You can’t make yourself fall asleep when you want to just because your baby is sleeping. As soon as your brain gets this, you’ll be fine :)