I’m unable to “sleep when baby sleeps” - is this some kind of sick joke?

[untitled1]

Exactly as the post title says. I’m a first-time mum and yes, I expected to be tired, have baby waking me up etc, but what I didn’t foresee was that I would be unable to get back to sleep every time baby wakes.

An example of last night:

I went to bed approx 10:20pm, baby went to sleep 9:20pm. Baby then woke 11:50pm exactly. After seeing if he would self-soothe it was clear he wouldn’t, so I fed him and he went back to sleep at 12:15am but I could NOT get back to sleep. I lay awake crying as the worry of me not getting to sleep was getting to me. He then woke 4am for another feed and at this point my body is in agony due to no sleep and he starts becoming active at this time in the morning or unsettled. I fed him, he then went back to sleep until approx 7:45am. I then had to be somewhere for 9:30am and I got there and broke down in tears.

My body is in PAIN when I wake up, my digestive system has started playing up and I get tummy aches and headaches. I’ve never had these issues until this sleeping situation started.

My baby is six months old and eats lots, so I worry sleep training is off the table because he genuinely seems hungry. I don’t even think waking once-twice at night at six months is bad anyway, it’s not his fault.

I speak to some mums (friends) who look at me in a way as if to say “stop moaning” and it pisses me off because baby waking at night is NOT the same as baby waking at night then you CANNOT get back to sleep.

I am back at work and my job is very flexible, so I’m finding myself going back to bed when he goes to nursery and wasting half the day because some mornings I feel like I’m going to DIE my body is in that much pain from no sleep. Last night I had two hours sleep????

My baby is a good sleeper really, when he’s asleep he’s very deep and falls off very easily. But his noises when he’s unsettled etc wake me up then I just can’t sleep. Even if he’s in his own room too, he is still going to wake for a feed so this isn’t a solution.

DH doesn’t want to sleep train until he’s 1, and DH does some of the nights and as I didn’t feel he was being supportive I decided to increase work hours so that he also shares more nights as when I was off it didn’t seem reasonable to share nights but at least this way I can catchup on some sleep in the mornings.

I cannot cope, I cannot. This is breaking me. Any advice appreciated

Also helps you poo if you drink plenty of water, 10/10 would recommend 😂

We found once we started feeding ds more in the day he started sleeping longer, have you started weaning yet?

You need to go to bed at 7pm - or when the baby does

I wonder if the Sleepio app might help?

@Matildahoneyyes I give him approx 120g food at each meal plus he still has bottles. How much food do we have to give him to be full do you think as I already feel this is a lot. Or is it the type of food that’s more important?

It's the only way I get anything resembling rest. DP has been banished to the spare room. Although now DS is rolling I am very stressed that he's going to roll out of bed!

I completely understand the stress and panic as you're trying to work out how many hours of sleep you might be getting. It is awful and everyone can fuck off with their advice.

Sleep training is a waste of time because as soon as baby starts teething or gets ill, you're back at square one.

My first started sleeping through the night at 11 months, fwiw.

I also think going back to work and having obligations/places to be is making things worse. I feel more tired this time around because I have to get up to do the nursery run. With my first, I just stayed in bed, sometimes until noon, and it really helped.

The thing with babies is that everything is temporary. The good and the bad. Hang on in there x

I’ll be honest, he is not the most supportive. Though in his defense he does do night shifts but I’ve increased my hours at work recently for the exact reason you mention because in the days I’m working we split now and also split the weekends. I do one extra night on the basis I don’t work that day.

it sounds terrible but it was the only fix I could see to enable me more sleep. When I wasn’t at work there was no way he was going to do more as his outlook was I’m the one not working

Also to update everyone I actually had an update literally two hours ago from out of hours from bloods I had done earlier - I have a thyroid issue 🙌 it’s overactive.

No i could never sleep when baby sleeps. It's such a ridiculous myth as if someone who is way way way over tired and stressed can just drop off at a moment's notice and not care about being woken anywhere between 2 minutes and 2 hours later. Sleep deprivation absolutely sucks. I found the best way forward is to go with it and accept it so at least you are not adding in a whole load of extra stress about how things should be. It will pass eventually.

In that case, you should not give him any say in the decision to sleep train.

If you are reluctant to sleep train and would prefer to try other things first, then fair enough. But he doesn't get to tell you how you sort out your need for sleep if he isn't prepared to take the hit himself.

(Hope the thyroid diagnosis leads to improvements for you fast.)

Ahhhhhh! Well that will definitely explain it. Anxiety central.

Hope the drs can help quickly.

You might want to edit your OP otherwise you’ll get lots of suggestions based on your OP and having not seen this update. (I was going to suggest earplugs for an “off duty” feeling).

Problem is @RawBloomershe will do what he likes, so unless I take back all the nights which I do not want to do, he will undo the work I’ve done

This was me and it was twins 😵‍💫. I think l was just so chronically over tired that l could barely sleep. But conversely l felt so bloody tired

@minipiethanknyou I’m relieved. I felt like a complete failure.

My DH has been really horrible for this and makes me feel like I’m a weak person or not resilient. he said some people have babies and hold down two full time jobs 😡

last week the exhaustion got so bad it was the week I increased my days at work, he had a go at me for leaving dishes by the sink (literally five bottles, plates etc) and said I’ve been lying in bed every morning (implying I’m lazing around). I am NOT a lazy person. I won’t give any more info but I am also rarely a sick person until I had baby.

im happy at the diagnosis because now it proves him wrong too, it sounds terrible but now I have “evidence” for him.

This is good advice. I had terrible post natal insomnia, and had CBT for it very successfully but that does take time. The key takeaways are disconnecting how tired you are from how much sleep you’ve had. Disconnect from the myth of 8 hours, don’t track hours , quiet time is also restorative. And also don’t convince yourself you can’t sleep. You’ve had good nights with your baby when you can get back to sleep so you can have good nights again. Speak to your go about CBT. Go private if you can afford to . Don’t go on your phone at night. Good luck.

It's shit. Nothing prepared me for the long term sleep deprivation. My 14 month old has had 2 molars, roseola and the flu back to back so I haven't slept in 6 weeks. I am in hell.

Your baby will start sleeping better but lots happens until they're 2 or 3 that disturbs that. So you need to figure it out long term.

@untitled1 what an arsehole he’s being

This doesnt sound like normal sleep deprivation. Sure, I've had nights when I've struggled to drop off after a night waking, but not to this extent.

What do you have to do during a waking? Is there any way to make it less stimulating for you? You say you are bottle feeding, is it worth getting DH to pitch in for one of the two night waking?

Perhaps split the night - you go to bed early when the baby does, hut in a different room. He does the first bottle. Then you get a decent block and then wake up for the next feed while he gets to sleep in a chunk.

Do you have family that can come and stay and give you a bit of a break? With my twins, my mum came for 2 nights a week and helped with the night waking as then she could go home in the morning and nap at home. It made a huge difference to me. Ask - people dont volunteer if they dont know what you need.

Speak to your GP. Is there something you can take to help you nod off again, even if you can't have it every night? Antihistamine or something stronger?

I've got 4 DC and there have certainly been terrible times, especially when the twins were ill and my husband was away, but I dont think I've ever had physical pain in the way you describe. I think this is outside of the normal range.

Ah, sorry seen update about thyroid issue. Great to hear you have a diagnosis, hope you can get it sorted out soon!

Yeah do this 😊

Mine slept OK at night, but days naps when I was tired I couldn't grab some shut eye as I need to know I'm not going to be disturbed for a bit and mine could nap any time between 20 mins to 2 hours. I found guided meditations on YouTube to be life-saver as they gave me 10-15 minutes deep relaxation that was almost as good as sleeping.

These days my kids are teens, but I still find them useful for dropping off to sleep - try 'yoga nidra' videos where you concentrate on scanning your body. I imagine it doesn't work for everyone, but I find them good, and you can find different lengths from ten minutes to over an hour.

Can you work less? DH is being a dick. You're already doing more than a full time job with baby. He should try having no sleep. Mine didn't sleep until he was 2. I never sleep trained though, it was torture for me hearing the crying and not doing anything.

If you want to do it, it may be worth the pain for a couple of weeks to get the baby settled.

Based on this though, he sounds like an unsuitable co-parent. Does he step up in other ways?

We put a huge amount of emphasis on sleep, but studies have shown that lying still and quiet, even if you don't sleep, has benefits for rest and recuperation, both physically and mentally. If you can't get back to sleep, don't stress about it, it's not going to kill you. After waking up, accept and acknowledge that you won't get back to sleep and instead try to lie calm and still, do some slow belly-breathing and think about some nice things, things you you find fun or interesting, or that make you happy. It sounds crazy but it's genuinely good for your mental health.

We seem to be under the misapprehension that only deep sleep is "true sleep" and that broken sleep or dozing doesn't count. But actually our bodies need all kinds of rest.

Sorry, I went to a talk on sleep recently (genuinely) and it was fascinating. I'm also a long-term insomniac and it was reassuring to hear that a lot of what I do when I can't sleep is still beneficial.

@RawBloomersmay I ask why you say he’s unsuitable co-parent? He steps up on other ways mainly in terms of keeping the house in order he is very good in that sense. He helps with baby mainly in the mornings and doing some night shifts. I was doing most nights until the last couple of weeks since increasing hours at work. Since increasing hours as I now only have one day a week off I’ve insisted all days except this one are done in a rota because of had enough as he didn’t seem to appreciate what I was doing despite it almost killing me.