MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

Going against the grain, but I think it's fine and natural to cosleep with your little ones. At most I'd start thinking about the 2 year old having their own space but otherwise would be fine keeping the baby in with you especially while BF. I don't think you need to change things imminently as your husband does have the option to sleep in another room if he wants. It's a very Western thing putting babies and children in their own room early on, many cultures find cosleeping to be what works best.

My nearly 3 year old sleeps with me every night. Fortunately, I don't have a partner to worry about so I can enjoy this. She won't want to do this forever so while she does, she is here to stay!

everyine will tell you to move the kids out ASAP because that’s culturally what we do in the UK, but it’s not the norm around the world, in my opinion there is absolutely nothing even remotely controversial about keeping kids in the big bed until they are adolescent if that’s what works in terms of your sleep and their security. Sex can be done elsewhere, for sure your husband has his needs, but they are not more important than yours or the children’s. Mil can get her nose out of your sex life. Gross.

What exactly is the Dad doing to help? We all have jobs where we need to be ‘rested’ whether you’re a lorry driver or a surgeon it doesn’t give you a get out clause!!

Why can’t he sort your 2yo out - if he is up and down all night why aren’t you tag teaming it - you do weekdays and he does the nights he doesn’t work?? He does need some support to be in his own bed and to be able to settle himself at some point- perhaps its something to work towards when you ready with your H’s doing his bit!

I'm not sure people who haven't bf will appreciate the difference that co-sleeping makes.

This, 1000 times over. Breastfeeding at 7mo is SO rare in this country. Co-sleeping is the best way to do it.

@Kahan you are doing a marvellous job!

No. By far the most significant factor in terms of the reduction of SIDS was the back to sleep campaign.

But if we’re going to throw guilt trips at people in terms of them putting their babies at risk, one of the other advisories is to not co-sleep at all. the only reason why they have come up with a so-called “safe” way to co-sleep is because they know that some parents will do it anyway. So in actual fact there isn’t a way to safely co-sleep, it’s just safer not safe.

But this is one of the baffling things about MN. People will quite happily judge a parent who has dared to leave a baby in another room to go to the toilet, because it’s apparently a risk to leave your baby for a single second in the first six months, whereas they actively advise posters to co-sleep which is a far greater risk.

Our family have very fluid sleeping arrangements… my husband mostly sleeps with our 6 year old and 3 year old and I bedshare with our 10 month old. Sometimes we miss having our own bed and room but equally we both love and cherish snuggling up with our children. It feels like a long season but before we know it they won’t need us in the same way. As long as you and your husband are on the same page it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Whatever gets everyone the most sleep is the winner and this can and will change over time. And you can have adult time in plenty of other places than a bed…

I personally don’t think it’s natural
for a couple. And it’s lazy. The children come first, obviously, but it shouldn’t be at the complete detriment of your relationship.
Honestly, no-one I know with these co-sleeping arrangements has ended up happy in their relationship. The sex life goes out the window and he ends up getting it elsewhere.
I haven’t read any of the other replies on here, and suspect the majority will disagree with me. But I’m team MIL even if it is old-fashioned. You need to open your eyes.

Sure, but as PP have said, it's easy to see how 2 years can turn to 4, then 6 etc.

100%. Fathers have the easy part when it comes to babies.

They don’t have to carry them for 9 months (and all that goes with that), give birth, heal their undercarriage/c-section, 6-week period, cracked nipples, leaking milk, weight gain etc etc. ALL with barely any sleep.

I know not all mothers carry/give birth to/breastfeed their kids.

But lots do and should be supported by men - not have them champing at the bit to get ‘their’ bed (and apparent “conjugal rights”) back.

i co-slept with mine until they were roughly 2.5. Then we worked on them being in their own beds, and them coming in to me once H was up for work at 5am.. it invariably always disturbed them, but having them snuggle back in with me in my bed got me another hour or so sleep! They did that right until they were 6/7 years old.. my oldest is profoundly disabled and STILL gets in bed with me when he's not feeling well.

I LOVED co-sleeping, ExH not so much as he slept in the spare room so i could have the bed with the DC's, i have to say i never really took to bedsharing with him again after 2.5yrs of him not being in my bed - he snores terribly, sleep apnoea he refuses to address (yes he is my exh now, no the co-sleeping was not why)

Ultimately you need to do what is best for you atm and your sleep and mental health... but, i do think workng on getting the 2yo to spend most of the night in his own bed might be of benefit.

This!

Other than that prioritise your sleep OP, for the sake of your MH. Having a baby will also impact your toddler less if they get to sleep in with you too, otherwise you could cause jealously and upset. There is absolutely no reason for the 2 year old to move out right now.

Look up HappyCosleeper on instagram. She has some great tips and advice and you’ll see how normal it is to cosleep and options going forward

Just for clarity, how is this worldview supposed to work in practice? Presumably children will need to learn to sleep on their own at some point, unless you’re advocating for people going straight from their parents’ bed to their spouse’s?

And for what it’s worth, I am a person who prefers sleeping alone. When we got a spare room I found myself engineering situations where my husband would fall asleep long before me so I could sleep in the spare bed alone. I just love being able to stretch out without touching anyone, especially in the summer.

I feel like I'm missing something here? We have co slept with our eldest since he was born, he's 5 now. Only my DH co-sleeps with him now as we have 2 younger DC and I am pregnant with no.4. Just go have sex in another room once kids are asleep in your bed? Spare room? Living room? Anywhere!

Co-sleeping and lack of sex aren't related. Where there's a will there's a way!

Unless you are going to bed at the same time as the kids every night - in which case yes I would see that as a problem. Not just for sexual intimacy but for your relationship in general and having any time together as adults.

You’re right about SIDS @AnyoneWhoHasAHeart but inadvertent smothering does happen, sadly

How long is he expected to cope? Well, that's hard to say. Hopefully the OP's mental health will improve soon.

Regardless, co-sleeping absolutely doesn't need to have a negative impact on a marriage. There are other ways of investing in a relationship.

I feel a bit sorry for anyone who is in a relationship that is so fragile that it could be damaged so easily. I've been with my DH for 30 years, and hopefully we'll have many more years together. The few years in which we co-slept with dd were just a short interval in a long relationship. We are both glad now that we were able to give dd the closeness that she needed for as long as she needed it.

This is nonsense. We are biologically evolved to cosleep. It is safe. You are so in tune with the baby it actually regulates their breathing which is why you should room share with a small baby.

What's not safe is falling asleep with a baby on the sofa or leaving a baby on a load of pillows on its own. If you actually read the reasearch then the Back to Sleep campaign was based on reasearch into the SIDs deaths of children who were in cribs on their fronts, often in overheated rooms on their own, sometimes with parents who smoked indoors. (We have a history of SIDs in the family so I did a lot of reading on it when my eldest was a baby).

Tiny babies belong with their mothers. DH used to sit downstairs hold DD when she was tiny, as she'd only sleep on our chests, so I could get some sleep and I'd wake up so confused and panicked about where she was.

i will add, the bed just became the place for sleeping, the sex life has to happen elsewhere in the house when they're asleep, and as always post baby, needs effort from both to make it work.

I’d be getting the 2yo in his own bed and own room pronto, or it will only get harder. You’ve probably already missed the boat for an easy transition as I doubt he’s ever learnt to settle on his own.

Tbh, I’d be chucking the 7mo out too. Don’t you want to get some intimacy back with your husband?

It sounds like he’s very understanding (at least to your face) but I can’t imagine theres a single man on this planet who likes this arrangement.

And yet the rate of SIDS in Japan is extremely low, despite the fact that co-sleeping is the norm.

4 kids here - all breastfed and coslept! Seems like yesterday but the eldest is 16 now and the time goes so quickly! Youngest is 6 and he still sneaks in sometimes. What I'm trying to say is, they eventually don't want to sleep with you and this time will be over in a heartbeat. I would carry on with what's easiest. I don't think a child needs to be trained to sleep on their own or self settle, however, a well attached child who has their needs met will easily transition to their own bed when the time is right.

I have 3 children. I’ve always tried to have them sleep in their own rooms. It sounds cute saying “they just want to sleep
with you for a short while” but my 9 year old would share my bed every night if allowed. The 6 and 4 year old would to. It wouldnt be much fun for me or my husband.

Get them use to their own beds ! Personally
after 3/5 months I put baby in own room with monitor and went and fed baby there. With the last one I co slept more but in babies room.

there isn’t much point listening to mil, friends or us though….do what suits you. Personally can’t give a shit about sex after 3 kids!

This was a reply to @MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack 🙂

Everyone is different, though, and it's unfair to criticise people for not coping just because you coped.

For me, it wouldn't be about sex or intimacy, but about not being able to sleep well with wriggly children in my bed and wanting my own space to stretch out.