MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

Don't rush to do what others say you should do. He is more likely to get fed up if you change your routine before you are ready. He would have a tired out wife with unhappy kids , and it would take longer to to get sorted.

It works because children do learn to sleep on their own quite naturally when they're developmentally ready to do so.

Aww I feel for you OP. You could perhaps try and get your 2 year old to sleep on his own by easing him out of your bed. With the baby though I totally understand as I did the same especially as a breastfeeding mum it was so much easier to sleep that way. Your DH seems to not mind too much but keep having conversations around it and what can be adjusted. Its perfectly normal for your sex life to dip a little especially when breastfeeding, your libido can take a nose dive although not for everyone. I highly recommend looking up "The breastfeeding mentor" on Instagram or Facebook she talks about things like this and its very helpful. Don't allow judgmental mothers get to you, there are husband's cheating on their wives whose children aren't in their rooms and who sleep with their wives regularly. Guard your heart from those comments knowing that your family is your family and what everyone does is up to them. You are doing your best and that is enough xx

Yes, you are missing is that the OP states that her sex life is rubbish

I’d happily co-sleep with DD now as she bloody never sleeps.
She’s 8 (but also disabled so I guess that’s why she doesn’t sleep much).
I put her in her own room (she was in a cot next to us but couldn’t move about much) at 10 months - it was the night after she came back from surgery (out of hospital after a couple of days)to have her gastrostomy inserted.
She slept the best ever for the first few months before spring came and her sleep changed for.
If I was the OP I’d put both children in the same room at the same time and see how it goes.
Even if it was the tightest of squeezes - my mum co-slept each of us (she had 6!) til we were approaching a year and then moved us in with a sibling/siblings. I suppose it meant.we were never really alone and if I had more than one I’d definitely do them both in the same room together to start.

I haven’t read the full thread. Cosleeping and family beds are perfectly normal and the only people with opinions on this should be you and your DH. As long as you are both okay with it, that is what matters

There are plenty of other places to have sex if you feel inclined! Breastfeeding and sleep deprivation can also reduce your interest. There is something to be said for remaining open minded to it to meet both of your needs, but again, talking about this with you DH is the way forward

Good luck ☺️

p.s. I refer to all of my children as my babies and my eldest is 13

I've got a 6 month old and I really don't feel like sex most of the time. It's a breastfeeding thing I'm sure. I have a decent sex drive usually. I'm sure if the will was there they would find a way.

OP, I feel you. I still end up in bed most nights with my 5 year old! And my husband is fine with it, we still have an active and healthy sex life and we are still affectionate and in the night time I end up getting in bed with my littlest when he wakes up in the night because we coslept and he is a worrier. Talk to your husband frankly about what it is he wants, and what you want and work it out.
But don’t listen to your MIL, your mates or even anyone on here. It’s about working out what works for both of you and what will make you both happy.

That's totally fair enough, I haven't said anywhere that everyone should co-sleep. If it doesn't work for you, don't do it. I just don't understand why there is so much vitriol against those who do.

If the DH wasn't coping with wriggly kids in the bed or not being able to stretch out, he could decamp to the spare room if he wanted to, but he chooses not to. And there is actually no evidence that he isn't coping at all!

I can’t believe what a bashing you’re getting on this. For balance my kids are 3.5 and 14 months. I sleep with them in their room and my DP sleeps next door in “our” room. He’s never disturbed me in the night for sex, we always do it during waking hours. Bedtime is for sleep! Thankfully. I do think it’s eroded some of the intimacy but we’re both obsessed by what’s best for our babies. So compared to me I think you’re going great!

We coslept on an off until DS1 was over 3. I don't see what that has to do with a couple's sex life anyway -- surely parents of young children, even if they don't cosleep, have to be creative in that area anyway? Like downstairs when kiddos have gone to bed, shower in the morning, or when kids are at school/with grandparents, because children that age are always waking up/needing something etc. etc. People's sex lives with very little children can't be the same as before in any case. It's a temporary season of life; you have to have different priorities than when you were childless, and that's ok.

I haven't read many of the replies but can imagine there's a lot of negative responses.

your babies (and they are that to you and that is ok) need you and feel safe with you, they won't be in there forever and there are other places/ways you and your partner can be intimate without it being in your bed.

I hate that we expect babies and young children to sleep alone but as adults seek out comfort and proximity of our partner at night.

Check out happy cosleeper and cosleepy on Instagram for positive, evidence based advice and support. both also have info and guides on transitioning away from bed sharing when you're ready.

It’s mad our society thinks 2 year year old must sleep alone but a married couple absolutely must sleep in the same bed. OP do what works best for you; it’s no one else’s business but yours. In many countries; families sharing one bed is completely normal.

@FrauPaige yes that's what I'm confused about, since the whole thread is about co-sleeping but that doesn't seem to be the actual issue? The co-sleeping doesn't affect intimacy if you still carve out adult time in the evenings and if that's not the reason for the lack of sex then that's a separate issue and no need to focus on the co-sleeping.

OP don't rush the babies out of your bed for the sake of your sex life is all I'm saying because you can still have a healthy one just in a more creative way.

If the co-sleeping isn't working for another reason I think I'm missing that too because it seems from your post your DH would rather sleep with you all than get a solid nights sleep in the spare room? So he doesn't actually mind the co-sleeping generally speaking?

Personally after 3/5 months I put baby in own room with monitor

This is hugely unsafe.

I wish people recognised the link between the baby sleep/nursery industry, the formula feeding industry, and the crazy pressure and race to get babies away from their mothers in this and some other Western cultures.

In what way?

This is simply not true.

Have a look at SIDS rates in countries where bedsharing is the norm. Then come back to us.

If I were you I’d prioritize my mental health and stick to what works (ie the current set up) until feeling back to myself and then start working toward independent sleeping for a kids. I don’t think anyone else gets to have a say.
it sounds like your husband is understanding and supports you in what works best.

Why is the 2 yr old in your bed?!

OP is breastfeeding her small baby. Why would she want to have said baby in a separate room overnight? Making life much harder for herself and reducing the amount of sleep she gets? Don’t be silly…!

What is sleep training? Leaving them to cry?

Say it louder for the people in the back! 💖

The cognitive dissonance on this thread is wild.

I've coslept with both of ours, for a while both times my husband moved out to the spare bedroom to maximise his own sleep (and then got up early with them every morning to help maximise my sleep - he's a surgeon so we needed to balance his need to be safe for work with my need to not die, we had shit sleepers).

We still had regular, if not super frequent, sex when the kids were very little (I assume this is what your MILK is referring to, yuck by the way!). The reduced frequency wasn't because of cosleeping, it was because of exhaustion and hormones. I'm sure your MIL would be thrilled to know we have loads of wild and crazy sex again now. We still sleep in the youngest's room when she needs us to. But we are less exhausted because overall they sleep better, and I am less hormonal.

Cosleeping is the historical and biological norm. All mammals cosleep. Most humans have coslept. A tiny proportion of humans in limited countries expect their children to sleep alone. It's not the norm though.

I just think it's totally understandable to want to share your bed with your wife at the end of the day. People are acting like he's some kind of monster which is just a ridiculous overreaction.

If my husband had ever spoke to his mother about our sex life, I would have told him to go back to his mummy. Man child.