MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

You have to do what’s best for you and so you both get sleep. However, sex doesn’t have to only happen at night time… can you ever lay in bed together when the kids are napping somewhere other than with you? Or arrange date night if someone looks after them for a few hours?

My dp used to love co sleeping. He worked long hours and absolutely loved the cuddling opportunities co sleeping gave him!

I know it was a stupid auto correct typo, but 😆 at the idea of commissioning sleep from babies and toddlers. If only it were that simple!

if only!! 😆 🤣
It would be good though!

I didn't say she should stop co-sleeping. I said she should look at making changes.

Maybe you shouldn't always assume the worst about someone?

MIL needs to butt out - if DH has an issue with he needs to be a mature grown ass man and discuss it with you, not his mother 🙄 And even then this is for you both to decide how best you feel to move forwards nothing to do with MIL.

If somebody is co sleeping and someone suggests she makes changes, it’s reasonable to assume that the change is not co sleeping any more. Or were you thinking of a new duvet cover….?

I think people are focusing on your toddler, because that's quite old to co sleep. Yes you could put the toddler in their own bed, but if you've still got a breastfed 7 month old who is waking multiple times a night then moving the toddler isn't going to suddenly make you have a good night's sleep. You're meant to have babies in with you for the first 6 months so you've not exactly had loads of times recently where you could have been sleeping child-free.

Nothing better to get you in the mood for "adult time" than a suggestion from MIL.

Do what works for you. I haven't slept in a bed with my husband for about 3 years, neither of us is particularly happy about it but we both agree the children benefit. We both know it isn't forever, and we still make time for each other. Sex life dipping after children is normal.

If you are worried speak to your husband. Tell him you are worried. Ask how he feels about it. Ask what he wants for the children and your relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of the time children's needs are in conflict with the needs of the relationship and it isn't easy to satisfy both, you have to prioritise different things at different times. A partner need to be able to weather the hard times, there's no excuse for cheating in these circumstances in my opinion.

Mine all slept in our bed until around 4, sue to ages that meant over a decade of co sleeping, sometimes starting off in their own bed, I’m really shocked at some of these responses - 2 is still tiny, dh didn’t feel the need to have an affair.

Just have sex in another room if hes that upset about it, do not let anyone tell you that you shouldnt cosleep. You stop when you and baby/toddler are ready, not when barbara on mumsnet or your MIL say you should. If you arent rested youre no good to any of them. (Im still cosleeping with my 3rd whos 2 and im pregnant with my 4th, the older 2 rarely come into my bed now because theyve just naturally stopped)

I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, to be honest.

But just because OP finds co-sleeping helpful, doesn't it's sustainable long-term, and if her DH is unhappy with the situation (to the point where he's mentioned it) then I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest making some kind of change.

That could be her oldest sleeping in another bed in their room, for example, or maybe trying the two youngest in a room together, or a bigger bed. Making changes doesn't have to mean the most extreme option.

He will be up until he's used to being in his own bed. It takes a bit of time and patience (and being woken up fpr a few or more nights). Taking the easiest route with things like this isnt always the right thing and your husband may well start to feel unhappy or resentful.

Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer for everyone.

My advice would be to take whichever option results in the maximum number of people getting the maximum amount of sleep.

I coslept all of my children until they were ready to go in their own room. This ranged from 9mo to 8years old.

My husband and I still love each other and all my kids are very well adjusted! Putting a small child between us resulted in about 4 hours more sleep for everyone so we did it!

Remember - although these years feel like they last forever, they are very short in the grand scheme of things!

PRIORITISE SLEEP AT ALL COSTS (you can always have sex in the daytime!!)

We are sleep divorced and always have been. Happily married and good sex life (well not at the moment as we have a small baby!). I co sleep with DS still sometimes and he's 4! DD is six months but I can't imagine moving her out she's so little.

People have co slept for most of human history and it's totally normal and loads of studies show it's safer and creates emotionally stable kids.
I think it's really weird to put a tiny baby on it's own tbh but I don't go around making judgemental comments.

Your MIL needs to get out of your bedroom. Ick.

Yes OP you have a very small baby but you must serve your husband ASAP. And it's impossible to have sex anywhere but one bed in the house.

Some really gross comments on this thread.

Maybe you just need to get creative with couple time. It doesn’t always have to be at night, in the bedroom.

You can do things together that encourage intimacy, which will hopefully bring you out of the 'drought season'. And as MIL is worried that your relationship is under threat, I'm sure she's happy to support you and your husband having some time together.
That of course depends on whether you can / want to leave your children.

😱😱

You do know the WHO says breastfeeding up to 2 years right? So why should she be weaning at 7 months? Why would you deprive your child of all the benefits of breastfeeding to get them out of your room?

Im not going to comment on your sleeping arrangements- that’s for you and your DH to agree between you. That said, my friend’s mum gave her a piece of advice and I’ve never forgotten it. She said, ‘When you have kids, always remember you’re a wife as well as a mother. Don’t put your marriage on the back burner’. And she was right. Everything about your family stems from you and your husband’s relationship . Don’t break the trunk to feed the branches.

I do find it weird it’s all about sex for some.

My beds my bed because it’s my space. Sex can happen anywhere. But that going into my bed where it’s a choice free from touch or cuddle into dh and sleep is why it’s never been my Children’s bed.

They want to clamber on you all day long and bed was the one place I was free from it 😅

Continue with what works best for you all.
This won't be for a long time.
Take care

My boys were a year apart and co sleeping and feeding was all that got me through the first few years. Your husband is an adult who understands the kids come first for a while. Do what works for you

I still co sleep with my just turned two year old because that’s how we all get the most sleep. It won’t be forever.

I find we regularly get asked by in laws if he’s still in our bed. It could well be your DH doesn’t mind it but is saying it’s up to you because MIL is being a bit critical and he finds the conversation awkward.

Happy Cosleeper and Cosleepy are good accounts on Instagram.

But both of these kids are over 6 months.

the 2 year old has no reason to be still sleeping in the parents bed. When the 7 month old is too big for the bedside crib are they joining in in the bed too do 4 in one bed?

My MIL is also obsessed with the fact DS comes in my bed and I 100% know she complains about it behind my back. I don't get why she's so invested as I've never shared a bed with DH anyway!