MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

@Kahan ignore your friends & MIL, it's none of their damned business.

Do what's best for you and your young children. They won't be there forever, and sounds like your husband is being supportive and patient.

I bedshared for longer than most would deem usual and don't regret it whatsoever. They aren't young for long, before you know it they'll be gaining their independence! Nourish and cherish them while they're still little, and ignore the judgements.

Once they're older and not in your room anymore, you and DH can get things back to normal in the intimacy department.

Ha ha let’s see how a man would cope with breastfeeding throughout the night and dealing with general wake ups having the baby and toddler in another room. Co-sleeping saved my sanity and made sure I got plenty of sleep and could safely look after the kids in the day time. Having the baby in the other room means the baby is going to be upset for longer until you can reach them and will therefore take longer to settle. Physically getting out of bed and walk to another room wakes you up so you cannot settle back to sleep. Don’t even get me started on people who turn the lights on in the night, no wonder they cannot go back to sleep

It actually sounds like its MIL who doesnt like it. Husband is not thrilled but understands its for the sake of his wife and children.
What has gone wrong with this world when the majority of people think its ok for a 2yo to sleep alone in a room so that a grown man can cuddle up with a woman?

Rubbish

Just to return to this but you haven’t comprehended my post correctly. Current guidance is that baby should be in your room for the first six months of their life. It increases the risks of SIDS if they are SLEEPING in another room. Of course you can nip to the toilet or have a cup of tea, but they shouldn’t be sleeping for significant periods in another room. That is widely recognised guidance and is part of what you are referencing with back to sleep.

I wasn’t in any way speaking about co-sleeping with an under 12 month old, and in fact it appears OP’s baby is in a next to me/cot, so that isn’t relevant if you’re familiar with current guidance.

I’m judging posters who say a baby should be in their own room from the first day back from hospital, or significantly under 6 months, as that has been shown to be dangerous. Don’t conflate it with other co-sleeping issues.

Is it? Or does it just support the scenario you’ve invented in your mind, when the poster is asking for advice about a situation here and now - not six years in the future

@Wishingforfour Yes, I agree. The MIL and co-sleeping isn't the issue. The lack of intimacy and causal factors are what should be addressed.

This is a conversation that your dh and yourself should be having. Mil shouldn't be involved. On the fence re the baby but your two year certainly should be sleeping in their own room.

Why should that compromise be made by depriving a young child of their basic needs being met? Children with undeveloped nervous system are designed to be dependant on their mother /father/ which includes physical co-regulation during sleep.

For what it’s worth I think you need to do what’s right for you all to get some sleep. All very well to talk about sleep training and putting 2yo on own room - but that’s exhausting getting up and down. If you’re not right in yourself, as you said, then prioritise sleep.

is your mil taking about her sons sexual needs?! If so that’s overstepping and ignore. It’s good that DH stood up for you. I think keep an open conversation about it with him.

ignore what other people say. Your babies are still young. Ps. Mine are older and I still call them my babies!! It’s just a turn of phrase - doesn’t mean I don’t want them to grow us FFS.

Grim.

@Allswellthatendswelll I'm sure if the will was there they would find a way.

Yes, precisely. The focus should be on rekindling the will.

Sound awful but each to their own

Does DH want to spend half the night getting DCs to sleep or to co sleep. We more or less co-slept when DC was a baby and again when a toddler and they often came into our bed in the night, It was fine, what has it to do with mil?

Well we don't know that for a fact because it sounds like the OP hasn't tried to ascertain the development of said childs nervous system....

What she has said is she has "easy babies". People love to jump on the YES BUT THE CHILD MAY HAVE ADDITIONAL NEEDS.

Try starting to train your 2 yo to sleep in their own room. You don't want them still in between you in years to come just because that was the habit you got into. And to train yourself to stop saying 'babies'.

It's unfortunate that women are expected meet the various emotional and physical needs of babies, children and husbands, when they're still coping with the physical and emotional fallout from creating and birthing and nurturing entire new people themselves, and dealing with relatives' disapproval.

But they sleep so much earlier…? They have that too.

Excellent. It's LOVELY of MIL to feel such compassion for your lack of 'adult time'. Tell her she is wonderful and would she be able to take them both for the night next weekend while you and DH have a date night at a nice hotel?

Obviously she butts out. Nothing to do with her. Co-sleeping has various pros and cons. This is a payoff for enhanced sleep for the primary caregiver (YOU).It won't last forever. It's normal (as in, biologically natural).

One of them is literally a baby though so I think that’s unnecessary. She’s not talking about teenagers!

Ignore your MIL. It's got nothing to do with her. Work out what you and DH want. I will admit I didn't really consult DH I just went with what worked best for me and the babies. Which was cosleeping until about their second birthday. I then set them up in their own beds, stayed til they were asleep and then went to bed in my own bed. Then when they woke they came straight back into my bed. So cosleeping whenever they wanted/needed. As you might expect they came in frequently at first and then this naturally reduced over time and we are at the end of my second coming in which happens maybe once a week now. It's responsive to the child but also means you get some space in your own bed and this increases as they develop.

Huh? Have I missed something?? When did they mention additional needs?

I think they’re talking about children - children have underdeveloped nervous systems. All children do. That’s what makes them children.

2 year old should be in their own room and getting themselves off to sleep. As soon as mine were sleeping through which was around 6/7 months we moved their cot into their own room and yes both were breastfed.

You could make it exciting for 2 year old let them pick a new bed and bedding and decorate in their favourite characters.

Misunderstanding on my part

I think it's normal not to want to have sex when you have a small breastfeeding baby and that it's nothing to do with cosleeping or not. I don't think the OP should force herself into it.