MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

Not a monster, an immature man child though!

What works for you and your family is what works, and no one else should be involved unless you ask for advice. My MIL still asks where everyone is sleeping, and I just reply why does it matter as long as we sleep. We had a family bed (king and a single together) for 10 years, and it was bliss. No getting up constantly, and I do believe that DC (and us) slept better being in with us. But that is my children, doesn’t work for everyone, and I would never presume to tell other people when to move their children into their own room. I had 5 so it definitely didn’t stop any intimacy.

No. I am saying that that no adult man should put himself above a two year old.

Maybe if these sorts of men that ‘get it elsewhere’, were as interested in their children as their wife/partner is and has to be, they’d keep their relationship in tact. Instead of supporting their wife/partner and being interested in their children, they leave them to it and sniff around other women. Utter dickheads.

We ended up ‘cosleeping’ as our kids just didn’t sleep and we are very much together and have been happy for 27 years. The thing is you need to be in a relationship with an adult man who acts like an adult, not a man baby, jealous of his own children who can’t control his sexual urges when necessary because young children take up time, impact sleep and mums bodies can take time to get back to normal. A woman with a decent man will very likely want sex with him once she has recovered from birth and things settle down. A woman that sees her husband sulk, moan about the kids being in their bed, pestering her for sex when she has zero energy etc, surprisingly won’t want sex with him. Who can blame women, those men repel women.

Honestly, there's two separate issues.

Cosleeping is about where you sleep. It doesnt need to be the only place your sex life takes place. I'm currently cosleeping with DC4 who is just coming up for 2 years. Happily coslept with each of the others till about 2.5. Didn't stop DC 2-4 being conceived. Sex mostly in spare room, which was also DH's escape room.

The second issue is your health and exhaustion. Make sure DH & MIL know that this arrangements gives you the most rest.

Sex doesn't only happen in beds at night. I think it's worth trying to improve that side of things.

But you definitely won't feel more up for it if you're getting up multiple times a night to sort out your kids.

If your DH wants to teach the older one, or both, to sleep alone then he's welcome to crack on, but it's not fair that you suffer more tiredness to accommodate his preference.

Edit - typos

Everyone getting the sleep they need has to be priority.

I am sure you would both prefer to have the bed to yourselves again, but if thats at the cost of you and the kids sleeping well, then thats a 'for later' issue not a 'for now' issue.

Co-sleeping IS normal, we've turned it into an abnormal thing because it suits us to do so, but co-sleeping and small humans needing that security of close adults to sleep deeply and well is completely normal, please don't let anyone tell you otherwise - there is literally no other species that expects its young to sleep alone whilst still dependent. None. (There are some that are left whilst the adult has to go do stuff like find food, of those, either they are with litter mates or the young lone animal is NOT asleep, they're awake, ready to bolt if they need to).

As much as some people like to think we've evolved to live in the world we now inhabit, in many many ways, we have not. This is one of those ways.

If you want to introduce more intimacy into your relationship, do that at other times, make time for that, utilise the spare room - that is also an important part of the relationship of course.

But everything starts with solid sleep and everyone feeling secure and comforted enough to do that. Take that away and you will absolutely make everything worse.

Also I do not think your husband is pushing to sleep without the kids there NOW, it sounds like he also understands its a 'for now' issue and not forever, and is necessary for the health and well being of his family. I am sure he would prefer to have just you and him in the bed, because who wouldn't, small children make poor bedfellows unless you strangely enjoy a knee to the face or an elbow to the sensitive parts at random times... but that doesn't mean you prioritise a preference over a real need.

Agree. If her DH doesn't want to sleep alone in the spare room I dont see it fair to make a tiny 2 year old do the same.

You do whatever works for you. Your husband sounds like a great man who is understanding of yours and babies needs right now xx

Agree with this.
Had both mine in the bed for years, it was lovely having them there, and I got a lot more sleep. I was struggling generally with exhaustion and I would have been a lot rattier if I’d been more sleep deprived. I’m still happily married !
All over the world people bed share, it’s normal for humans to sleep all together , for women to sleep with their babies and children. Whatever gets the most people the most sleep is the thing to go with, and don’t listen to anyone else.

Would you call a woman immature for not wanting to co-sleep?

I'd recommend trusting your husband on this, not your MIL, friends, or MN.

Your DH shut down his mother, and says that he support you. Yeah, he's also said it's not ideal and it'll be nice...but they're only young once.

From what's been written, I don't think he could be more clear that he accepts this as the best option for now and more than happy to support you in it. You can ask him further about it if you want to be more certain. but only if you're willing to trust the answer over others.

You may need to find more of a work around if you want to bring the sex life back; however, exhaustion from having a toddler and a baby is just as much of a moodkiller.

I do agree with the PP that if it's going to change now or when it changes later, there will need to be a talk about what that looks like. However it's going to work, there will need to adaptations, whether that how the load will be split, doing things like having a mattress or one of those foam folding chairs that folds out into one next the toddler's bed to doze on while getting used to this change, it will have some bumps. Few at that age are plop into bed and no more issues all night.

Tell me you haven't had a two year old without telling me... Two year olds know how to have tantrums to get what they want.

Only if the tantrums have worked before that. Tantrums aren't active manipulation at first, tiny children aren't that sophisticated to come up with the idea that tantrums will get what they want. At first, tantrums are more emotional dysregulation because they don't understand why the adult doesn't want what they want/doesn't automatically know what they want and they don't know how to handle the emotions and the physical sensations of those emotions - anger and frustration can be pretty uncomfortable. Tantrums can become manipulation, but only if they learn that they'll work to manage that discomfort, and they learn that through living the pattern of adults giving in to them repeatedly.

Oh, and I have four children, I've had my toddler years.

It's just part of parenting to allow your child to learn to sleep alone.

I think it's easy for relationships to drift in circumstances like this especially if it's been going on for 2 years since ye had any privacy.

I'm sorry for whatever has happened in your life to make you believe that
A. 2 year olds are manipulative and
B. Decent men will leave their marriage if their wife doesn't act like a sex doll

Haven’t read the full thread OP but just want to say you sound like a wonderful mum who is loving her babies and her family so well

I co slept with all of mine (20month old still in bed with me). My husband sleeps in another bed and has done for first 2 years of all babies.

however we communicate about it openly and honestly, and our sex life has never suffered because of it and this is something I do prioritise - spare room/whatever room, but having sex and intimacy is what kept co sleeping working for us.

littlest about to go into her own room now, and we are both excited to get the bed back to us adults

maybe wasn’t what my husband would have chosen, but he was always supportive and understanding and wanted to make sure kids were looked after as the priority!

and some people
have said 2 year old isn’t a baby and needs to self settle - please don’t feel pressure to listen to this. A 2 year old is still a baby really, and they need comfort and closeness and co sleeping is a beautiful
way to do that. My 6 and 8 year olds sleep now in their own beds all night and have done for some time, co sleeping gave them a lovely bond and closeness to us xx

This cosy time is exactly what your tiny child needs

This time is so hard. You sound like you are trying your very best. But you also sound quite fragile. And it is such a fragile balance to keep. You are doing a fantastic job. Look.... It may not be ideal, but it's working. Everyone is getting what they really need to keep going - sleep. You husband probably isnt getting what he wants - intimacy, sex etc. But you and babies' needs come first. A two yr old is a baby! It won't always be like this. And maybe it is an opportunity to work towards change. But I wouldn't change anything while things are so fragile. You NEED sleep. Take sleep away and things will be much worse. If your husband can't put your sleep ahead of his desire, then he's not worth much really is he?

And being cared for in this way would definitely do more for my libido than not having the kids co sleep.

Eventually yes - also very normal parenting to be responsive to the needs of tiny little
ones by co sleeping until they are ready to sleep alone. This is the biological norm and cultural norm in more of the world than it isn’t

You need to talk to your dh - it's not anyone else's business.

I just want to clarify before giving advice, you have had post partum what OP, post partum depression?

I breastfed too and got MUCH better sleep when cosleeping. I don't see how you being even tireder will help anything.

My DH would also prefer DC to stay in their own room, but I think cosleeping is natural and DC and I actively enjoy it. Since DC has been 3.5, we've compromised by alternating nights in our room vs their own room, and if DC wakes up in the night DH has to be the one to deal with it (which he does).

I know loads of people who have their children still in their room or their bed at the ages of your children. I think it's great your DH backed you up. I would crack on parenting in whatever way gives you all the best sleep possible.

Completely agree.

I battled to implement advice of health visitors etc to get my oldest to sleep in his own room. The result was nobody slept, I was mentally on my knees and he was quite clingy.

My next 2 I just thought I'll do what's easiest and we all had more sleep. All 3 of my kids were about 3 when they naturally gravitated to their own rooms.

My eldest is still less confident and more anxious than the other two and I do think this is a contributing factor.

Not at all. This website is full of complaints of husbands who's behaviour, without knowing, impact their wives' happiness. It's clear from the OP her husband is unhappy and the notion he's a man child is quite frankly appalling.

If anyone is a child it's women who don't have the intelligence to notice that making their husband unhappy is not conducive to having happy children.

Everyone in a family deserves to be happy in their home and that comes with compromise