Husband keeps working

[Hfox]

Both DH and I work full-time. He pays the mortgage and almost all of the bills, while I work from home and take care of around 90% of the childcare. I don’t even put the kids in after-school clubs because they can be home while I work.
DH usually gets home quite late, around 10–11 PM — either because he’s working extra hours or spending time on his hobby. He has two days off during the week, and I’ve repeatedly asked him to let me work undisturbed on those days since I already take so many breaks to manage the kids on the other three.
He doesn’t expect me to contribute equally financially, and I do help where needed. I actually earn more than him, so I cover larger expenses like mortgage overpayments, buying a second property, and paying for holidays which are things that benefit both of us.
The issue is that he keeps taking on extra work even on his days off. It feels like the day-to-day responsibilities fall entirely on me, and we rarely spend any quality time together. I’ve even thought about offering him more financial help so he wouldn’t feel the need to work extra, but I know he’ll continue doing it anyway so it feels pointless.
We’re financially comfortable, and he doesn’t spend money on himself or any vices , it all goes toward the family. But I’d much rather he spent some of that time with us instead. I’m honestly at my wits’ end because I don’t see how things will improve.
I’ve even thought about leaving, but I know our lifestyle would change drastically if I did. He works incredibly hard, and while I admire that, I don’t see why we both have to keep pushing ourselves so much at this stage in life. We’re both 40 now, and I just wish we could slow down and actually enjoy the life we’ve worked so hard to build.
The above makes him look good but he's got horrible communication skills and never tells me what he's planning when such as booking work etc. Can someone please advise what I can do here?

Haha despite all his flaws, he’s still not as Callous. FYI he desperately wanted kids.

As in not you but the person who said I choose to have kids! You’re lovely and gave amazing advice x

Yes his days off are predicable and that’s when he books extra shifts rather than let me work in peace. That’s the whole issue.

You can't change him. He can only change himself - and he doesn't seem to want to. If you want to stay in the marriage get yourself a cleaner and babysitter so you are not so frazzled. Get yourself out of the house, meet up with friends.

Do what you can for you, and pay for proper childcare so you can focus on your work full time (and maybe a cleaner?). You seem to be able to afford it, so why not help yourself out?

I used to juggle a bit with WFH, but found myself much happier and less stressed once I’d just accepted it isn’t worth it, and opted for full time childcare.

Try to speak to him and express how you feel about the whole arrangement.If he is not an easy go buddy try to seek counseling

Yes this is exactly what I was thinking 💚💭

God. Let me guess. He’s medical.

I would put money on it. I've been there with the pressure to do overtime (CAMHS) to gst waiting lists down, but can only imagine what that's like in other areas of the NHS. It's a trap, because you get used to the extra money. I'm not in any way excusing checking out of family life, but I see how it happens that people get into the rut. Also, you can feel competent at work in a way you don't at home.

In Wales big election next year so pressure to get waiting lists down that have been awful for years and they didn't care. It's put a lot of pressure on our health board. And incidentally the private sector where they're dumping some of the overflow in England.

Yep

Today is Sunday and he disappeared early in the morning. He avoids the family more when he knows I’m upset. So he’s been worse than his usual self.

He’s avoiding all of you isn’t he? And taking it for granted that you’ll be on point to sort everything out.

How old are your children?

I would send him a message saying no amount of avoiding this or disappearing will make this go away it is just making it worse.

the current situation is untenable for you and it cannot and will not continue. Either there has to be an overhaul of how it works in terms of financial/childcare and housework commitments so it is an equal partnership or there will be no partnership.

@Hfox sell the second home, split the equity of the properties between you and choose happiness rather than this drudgery. You’ll probably find it far easier when you do split because you’re bearing the burden on your own now!

😂. Right. Who is she? He’s only antagonising you so you’re the one that pulls the plug so he doesn’t look bad.
You know about ‘the script’, yes?

Yes I am aware of these cowards who push the woman to file for divorce. My cousins husband did that. This one however has a very cushy life with house taken care of, kids sorted and woman bringing in the money. While the society applauds him for a hard working father. He’s a fraud.

Yes. And the only reason they set fire to it all is always for spiritual enlightenment, is it?

Anyway, you know we’re here for you.

Don't hesitate to talk to him and find out his true intentions. I believe the man might not be "aware" of the issues. Open communication can resolve many problems. It's essential to be bold and discuss the issues that are affecting you directly with him. Men can be charming, so don't be fooled by their smiles without seeing real change. Personally, I would approach the conversation one matter at a time, exhausting all my concerns. Once I've outlined my issues, I'd focus on the key problems and clearly state the consequences of not addressing them.

For example, I would say, 'If you don't help with household chores, I'll consider hiring a maid and we can split the bill.' If he doesn't comply, yo can discuss the next steps until you all reach a mutually agreeable solution through open communication. Parting ways should be the last resort, after all other options have been explored.

What happens if you ask him to meet you for a ''home date night ' ?. Would he turn up? Or if you ask him to sit down as a family for dinner ? (Like 'I'm cooking x, I would like a family dinner at 7, important for kids, please be there ' ) sort of thing ?

She’s tried that and he just ignores her.

So my dh has read this thread and apparently has read every post and suggestion. He says he will try and do better! As you are reading his DH, let’s see how well you stick to your word!

What does that mean: try and do better? Genuine question.
Because words are cheap, and change has to come from within. Paying lip service is one, going down to the root of the problem is another.
We’re all grown ups here. I’d need more than: I promise I’ll do better.

Come on DH, you both need to sit down and recalibrate your whole relationship.

Trying to do better is what a child say in primary school.

Sowwy my work is messy mummy.

But the household isn’t secure. It’s dysfunctional

What are you teaching your children?

Girl or boy would you like to see your children doing the same as your dh and you.

Yes your lifestyle would change, probably for the better.
Without you constantly having to look after dc you could work f/t, hire in help that was actually reliable and helpful and dh would have to look after his children 1/2 the week.

I would be getting copies of both of your savings, investments and pensions. The value of the house, your business, his business, wage slips and extra properties. (Everything you and he own. Even jewellery, designer wear, furniture and cars etc) and what is owing on each or any of the items then making an appointment with a good divorce solicitor to set out your history and what you have in joint and individual names and asking what you could expect on divorce.

I think you might be surprised at what you could expect.

As well as a household that isn’t holding its breath to see if daddy turns up to look after dc