Husband keeps working

[Hfox]

Both DH and I work full-time. He pays the mortgage and almost all of the bills, while I work from home and take care of around 90% of the childcare. I don’t even put the kids in after-school clubs because they can be home while I work.
DH usually gets home quite late, around 10–11 PM — either because he’s working extra hours or spending time on his hobby. He has two days off during the week, and I’ve repeatedly asked him to let me work undisturbed on those days since I already take so many breaks to manage the kids on the other three.
He doesn’t expect me to contribute equally financially, and I do help where needed. I actually earn more than him, so I cover larger expenses like mortgage overpayments, buying a second property, and paying for holidays which are things that benefit both of us.
The issue is that he keeps taking on extra work even on his days off. It feels like the day-to-day responsibilities fall entirely on me, and we rarely spend any quality time together. I’ve even thought about offering him more financial help so he wouldn’t feel the need to work extra, but I know he’ll continue doing it anyway so it feels pointless.
We’re financially comfortable, and he doesn’t spend money on himself or any vices , it all goes toward the family. But I’d much rather he spent some of that time with us instead. I’m honestly at my wits’ end because I don’t see how things will improve.
I’ve even thought about leaving, but I know our lifestyle would change drastically if I did. He works incredibly hard, and while I admire that, I don’t see why we both have to keep pushing ourselves so much at this stage in life. We’re both 40 now, and I just wish we could slow down and actually enjoy the life we’ve worked so hard to build.
The above makes him look good but he's got horrible communication skills and never tells me what he's planning when such as booking work etc. Can someone please advise what I can do here?

Hi op. I have 3 dc, wfh fully, outearn my dh and he works mostly in the office while I'm the person at home acting as primary carer. That is to say there are a lot of similarities here. I think my dcs are probably a bit older than yours, my smallest is 10 so I'm a bit out of the other side and I can tell you that you categorically will burn out if you don't demand he engages with you on the topic and insist something changes.

Our situation balanced out precisely because I was blunt with dh. I insisted he do x, y or Z and it was non negotiable. I'm not saying it's perfect now - I still do the lion's share of stuff in the house - but it's way better then it would have been if I'd let it sail along on the course it was heading towards.

I agree with pps, sort out the financial side of things. It feels like he's mentally justifying not being around because he's paying for more. Which is obviously ludicrous cos it's all family money but I would remove that as a possible factor.

If you think you feel resentful now, it's nothing compared to how you'll feel in a year, 2 years then 3 years and so on. Stick up for yourself and if he won't engage you can tell him exactly what you are going to assume he wants and that that is a divorce. He'll soon engage once he realises you mean business.

@Hfox he probably pays for everything so he can live a single man’s life. Still cheaper than paying for full time help with a home and kids and babysitter for hobbies .
He has no interest in in home life

Id also move into another room.
Or go it alone op

So we had a big fight last night as yesterday I just packed my laptop and went to the office. I came home to a very messy home and no food.. he left the moment I came in leaving the kids with me despite me being exhausted. He did not come home till 11 pm

You are reaching crisis point because he is refusing to compromise. He is effectively holding a gun at your head. I don’t think a ‘nice house’ could keep me in this relationship op, your poor children deserve a father, you deserve a proper husband. He is failing you all.

The technical term for this behaviour is "twattery". I'm so sorry you are stuck with a man who doesn't think looking after his own children is his responsibility. As other pp have said, no amount of money could keep me in this relationship.

For me it would be an ultimatum this weekend. I hope he engages when he realises the chips are down.

But if it comes to it, I don’t think being SM would be as bad as you think. You’re already doing all the childcare and domestic work, have a good job, but you would lose the stroppy teenager who actively makes your life difficult. Don’t underestimate the amount of stress he’s causing you. The friends of mine who divorced experienced an enormous relief.

Lovely, listen, what you are doing here is trying to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do. Yes, you are trying for all the good reasons, he should listen, etc, but the fact is he doesn’t give a shit.
That’s on him, no matter.
What does matter is what you’re going to do next. As long as you are reacting, pleading, trying, he sees you as still engaged, hopes you’ll eventually stop nagging, your reactivity will be seen as you being the hysterical, unreasonable one, because…well, he’s not doing anything or saying anything, YOU are.

Save your energy. Now is not the time to throw a bomb into the family home, you got kids.

Make a list with all the things you struggle with. From ironing, to being lonely.
Outsource everything you can: cleaner, gym crèche, car valeting, online food shop, time spent helping with homework (I sent mine to a school that had prep, never came home with homework).
Invest heavily into meaningful relationships. (I had a group of mums with which I spent most weekends, walking mainly, while the kids had the best time running like loonies).

Now, I tried to maintain the status quo for years. The longer you leave it, the worse it gets, but none of us listens, we all ‘try for the children ‘s sake’ to keep the family together. The wheels came off when one was going into secondary, so I gave it a good 11 years go.

There are several aspects of divorce you need to look at.
You think the kids WILL be affected. Wrong, the kids are affected NOW. You’ll still be the only one looking after them. I very much doubt he’ll have them more than a couple of days a month.

You’ll miss the kids when they’re with him. No you won’t. You love your kids, they are with their dad, they’re happy. You, on the other hand, are knackered, spend the child free time having a nap, looking for chin hairs, sorting out finances, mowing the lawn with a podcast, going to the garden centre for some plants and stopping for something to eat. You’ll have all that if you’re lucky. The way your H behaves, you probably won’t have that much time without the kids. Besides, when they reach teens, you won’t see them anyway, they hole themselves into their bedrooms.

You won’t have anyone to share the burdens of parenting. What, like you have that now?

You won’t be invited to dinners, days out, because you’re a single mum. And if they’re dickheads, one or two of the husbands will make a pass at you, because obviously, you’re available. Get ready to lose friendships.

You’ll struggle financially. No you won’t. Most of us found that post divorce we have more money, because we budget, we’re in total control, and a lot of the money were used to placate/compensate for/make up for the husband. Not having a husband works out cheaper.

On the plus side:
You gain an enormous amount of headspace.
And things won’t be harder, because you’re not left dangling all the time, there is no more conflict!!! You spend your time and energy on people and things that bring you peace, you actually enjoy, things that fulfil you.

You forge friendships that are meaningful and deep, stripped of all the ‘society norms’.

The kids watch and learn from you. And then they watch and learn from their dad. And then one day yours will come home like mine did and sat me down and asked me what was I thinking subjecting us both to a deadbeat father and partner. Mine learned that she doesn’t have to put up with it.

The other good thing is that once the kids have flown the nest, you’re free. Financially you’re already independent, house is pretty much paid for, you can progress in your career, or drop a day. And nobody ‘s coming home grumpy, or stonewalling you, you don’t have to have endless convos about holidays, finances etc. I met someone 10 years ago, I very much doubt we’ll ever live together, we have each other for company. He’s shit at having a holiday with, I tried, so I go with my DD, my girlfriends, I don’t have to talk to him about it. He’s also shit at budgeting, spends a huge amount on take aways, I join him for one on Friday evenings, then I come home, like I did this morning, and made myself some fresh bread rolls and soup made with vegetables I grew. I’m meeting him later in town, we’re going to an exhibition, then for afternoon tea. We spend time together because we both want to. He goes home, I’m meeting the girls for brunch tomorrow, I don’t have to worry about doing a shop, what we’re eating this evening, I don’t have to get annoyed he’s ordering Domino’s and watchesYouTube for hours or that he’s still not home at 10 pm. I don’t care.

So there we are. You have choices.

Your DH and you are teaching very unhealthy relationship dynamics to your DC. It’s time OP. You need to ask him if he wants to stay married. If he does then it’s marriage counselling and he needs to step up.

I have been a lone parent and high earner for 15 years. I manage it by outsourcing all the shit. So you and he can do that too (cleaning, wrap around childcare etc) but it won’t change the fact he is being an arse.

Yes I have just sent him a message saying all this but chances are he will just stonewall me and not take it seriously. At best, maybe be better for a week and then go bk to his ways.

My marriage ended in a similar way to this.
He just didn’t like me anymore. Totally disengaged. He was spending time away for work and hobby. What I found hardest at the end was that he would never engage with me. Wasn’t interested in doing anything at all. We went to couples counselling and the guy told him he needed to try harder. He didn’t.

I hadn’t realised but I was scared to confront him about anything over the last few years (since kids) as he would become aggressive and put the blame on me but I didn’t want that infront of my children. Similar to the stonewalling in a way, wouldn’t be called out.

Of course it’s sad we dont have the happy family unit. I had a few counselling sessions and she said one thing I held on to
‘You didn’t have the happy family life anyway and you weren’t going to get it’ and that was true. The amount of emotional energy I put into trying to get it was exhausting, constantly disheartening, infuriating.

He doesn’t have children as much as we agreed he would but I still have plenty of time to go the gym, relax and have a love life! It’s soooo much better.

Life is so much better apart. Sometimes I think I miss him then acts the way he did and I remember that was my life. It is sad sometimes when it’s just you and the kids at the weekend but I actually feel less lonely now than I did. That weird waiting to see if he engaged made me so sad, It’s much better knowing what lies ahead and not hoping for someone to give you your happiness.

It’s always me and the kids over the weekend. I really hope I meet someone one day who could love me back. Don’t think it will happen with 3 kids but at least I’ll stop waiting for this one to do better!

The current arrangement works for him and I assume in the past worked for you. He still thinks it's the right way and doesn't understand why you want to change anything. I would do as other's have suggested get a cleaner or better yet a housekeeper come child minder a couple of days a week so you can get your work done and you don't have to do everything else. Will he be surprised or horrified if you get help in the house? Or will he not mind?

I don't see anything wrong with the financial arrangements, he pays for the day to day and you do the big expenses. We split things in a similar way, we used to do the splitting everything, but it's much simpler for us this way now.

If he wants to work and likes his job it's very difficult to stop him. Can you at least arrange a date night once a week or once a month for quality time together, when he must be home early for at least a nice meal at home or posh takeaway if going out is difficult?

You are coming to Crunch Time I think op. He won’t talk, won’t even engage. He wont change - he likes it this way. So you need to. Or put up with this shit for ever more. Aren’t you and the kids worth more? If I were in your shoes, firstly I’d be outsourcing some tasks, for my own health. Then I’d be seeing a lawyer and getting things sorted and clear in my mind. And then I’d be serving him with divorce papers. You may not go that far, that fast, but you would know you were in a position to do so, at a time of your choosing. Take back control op, you only have one life, and at the moment it doesn’t sound much of one. Sooner or later it will affect the kids too.

When I started dating I paid for the version on apps where you can filter by loads of things and only looked for people with kids - mostly so we understood each others’ priorities.

I don’t see it as someone taking the kids on. I see at as someone I spend my free time with. Not intending to mix the two at all and the guy I’m seeing feels the same. If you look at it that way there’s no reason you can’t meet someone.

My ex Dh has actually stepped up to parenting post split. Took him a few months to get there but in general he does every other sat / sun and one or two days during the week.

Divorce him then, call him out, you're not happy, he's not happy otherwise he would be scrambling to spend time with you, he isn't and doesn't want to talk about it, fine divorce him it'll all be over in a few months and you'll all be happier

Get rid of him

You say he vanishes at weekends. To do what? @Hfox

You have bought a second property. You won’t pay for child care. Your young kids amuse themselves while you work at home. Your husband has two days off and you want him to take full responsibility for the children. I presume that means he works Saturday and Sunday?
This sounds a very odd family. People saying he doesn’t like you, you don’t seem to like him and nether of you likes the children.

The children go to school, after school I can manage to look after them 3 days a week for a few hours while working as my work is flexible. I want him to look after kids on his 2 days he’s off during the week so instead of kids being away, they are around the house/doing activities. We will all still get Sunday off with family. He works 4 days with long hours and has 3 days off during which he books extra work.
so contrary to what you feel, I actually like my kids more than you maybe.

I have forwarded this whole thread to him. He may or may not read it. I’ve not said one lie here so he can’t even say that!

Even setting aside how dismal it is for you to feel so unwanted and unloved day in and day out, and I imagine terribly lonely op.

Do you think he understands the damage he is inflicting on his children?

Being completely absent is also sending them a message that they are worthless and not worthy of his time or attention.

They will look back and won’t have a single memory of him, how he loved them or spent time with them. It’s actually very, very sad, and irreparable once they reach a certain age.

They really only have one parent now op, I doubt they would care if you separated or he disappeared. He is never there to miss. He is a dreadful role model.

I really think that if you can afford a 2nd home then saying that everything you've worked for has gone to waste is probably not true. You won't be destitute, you clearly earn great money. You'd most likely be very comfortable indeed whilst he might have to compromise on what he ends up with due to contributing to the children. You have to remember what you're teaching your kids what to expect in a relationship. It's not something I'd want for mine.

If you want to give it a go then you need to make huge changes. You need a cleaner and some help. You need to tell him that he has to change, have therapy or you're leaving. Maybe start telling him you're going out, dress up, see friends, join a gym, make a life for yourself outside the home and work and he will either sit up and take notice or lose you.

In reality he doesn’t like spending time with you, which is his prerogative.
Don’t moan about looking after your own children you chose to have them you look after them.

You’re the husband, I take it.

Are his days off predictable and always during your working week? So e.g. you work Monday to Friday and he works Wednesday to Saturday?

It sounds like you need to be less available on your working days. Tell him you are working in the office on his days off, and he is responsible for all childcare and household chores. Leave home as early as you possibly can on those days, so he can't disappear and leave you picking up the pieces.

Start paying for cleaners. If your husband won't step up and do his share with childcare, use paid childcare. He doesn't see the additional work you do as work, so start paying someone to do it.