Husband keeps working

[Hfox]

Both DH and I work full-time. He pays the mortgage and almost all of the bills, while I work from home and take care of around 90% of the childcare. I don’t even put the kids in after-school clubs because they can be home while I work.
DH usually gets home quite late, around 10–11 PM — either because he’s working extra hours or spending time on his hobby. He has two days off during the week, and I’ve repeatedly asked him to let me work undisturbed on those days since I already take so many breaks to manage the kids on the other three.
He doesn’t expect me to contribute equally financially, and I do help where needed. I actually earn more than him, so I cover larger expenses like mortgage overpayments, buying a second property, and paying for holidays which are things that benefit both of us.
The issue is that he keeps taking on extra work even on his days off. It feels like the day-to-day responsibilities fall entirely on me, and we rarely spend any quality time together. I’ve even thought about offering him more financial help so he wouldn’t feel the need to work extra, but I know he’ll continue doing it anyway so it feels pointless.
We’re financially comfortable, and he doesn’t spend money on himself or any vices , it all goes toward the family. But I’d much rather he spent some of that time with us instead. I’m honestly at my wits’ end because I don’t see how things will improve.
I’ve even thought about leaving, but I know our lifestyle would change drastically if I did. He works incredibly hard, and while I admire that, I don’t see why we both have to keep pushing ourselves so much at this stage in life. We’re both 40 now, and I just wish we could slow down and actually enjoy the life we’ve worked so hard to build.
The above makes him look good but he's got horrible communication skills and never tells me what he's planning when such as booking work etc. Can someone please advise what I can do here?

The issue is that he doesn't think you mean it. And I think he might be right.

So he can easily close the conversation down by saying "fine, divorce me", knowing that he can later say that he didn't mean it and carry on as before.

He is making it very clear to you that he has no intention of changing. So maybe you need to decide whether you're willing to stay with him as he is, or whether you're prepared to walk away. There is no incentive at the moment for him to do anything different.

This is what I think I will have to do. Maybe in time when he sees the amount going out to cleaners and help from money that could be used for holidays and what not, he MIGHT change. If not, then thats how it will be. If we were to divorce, I would be forking out a lot more money for mortgage and bills anyways.

You need a reset. Both pay equally into a joint account to cover all bills. He needs to help out more with DC. But I wouldn't complain too much about a dh who works hard for his family. As he gets the lder he will naturally slow down a bit. Maybe once you both retire you'll have more time together. In the past my DH was always working and to my annoyance he took work phone on holiday with us and people kept ringing because he kept answering. I thought about throwing it in the sea one day after he'd spent about 3 hours on the phone leaving me to amuse kids alone. He had an accident and it changed his mindset. Now we have both retired early and spend loads of time together doing things.

Couples counselling asap with s reputable counsellor. He needs to see he is damaging the family unit and relationship by becoming a workalcoholic. He sounds selfish and absorbed with his own agenda - avoidant and not a terribly good parent op.

So he is paying more to opt out? He pays all the big bills so he doesn’t have to do anything even though your money probably does still go on the family and in the event of a divorce would be joint anyway

you need a proper reset before you burn out

That is such a comforting message. This is what always confuses me. Am I complaining about a husband who works too much and provides for the family? However, as someone else pointed out, I work full time too so my money also benefits the family but I'm burdened will all the house load too.

I agree. I will say this to him next time that he has paid to opt out of all the housework and childcare

Absolutely! I have found a few around our area.

maybe look at two things general monthly outgoings and big spends and divide that equally then divide everything else equally

and stop doing chores for him

I would make some conditions on you staying:

1. he pays for cleaning of the whole house weekly and laundry to cover his absence

2. He pays for or cooks three meals a week

3. He pays for high quality childcare he should have been doing from day one

4. He pays for the therapy his children will eventually need due to his absence.

5. Intimacy comes from shared time together, so without that there won’t much chance of that developing

6. The years he is wasting hiding in work can’t be replaced - this is his children’s childhood. It only happens once - does he want someone else to be a father to them? As that will be the outcome eventually. The dc will have no relationship with him at all.

Girl, kindly, i'd be worrying about an affair? Sorry x

I think you probably should use after school care.

You shouldn't really be trying to work and do childcare simultaneously, sounds like you can afford not to, and if you don't take your job seriously - why should he?

However, do you ever stay out till 10 or 11pm? If not, you're owed quite a few nights out! Or a couple of weekends away...

Would he go to couples counselling? Sounds like he’s become a workaholic.

a friend of mines recently left her partner with 2 young kids for this reason. He would become quite nasty if she brought it up too so she decided one day enough was enough.

She’s the happiest she’s been in a while!! Work/home balance is restored and her kids are much happier. They split childcare now and have their own separate houses and obviously finances which has worked out much better for all.

Very true. I need to start respecting myself before i expect others to. Today i left everything and came to one of our offices leaving the kids to him.

It sounds to me like he is married to his Job and this would be the same no matter who he was married to or whatever job he was in, it's who he is. It's a possibility that having a wife and child presents a normal to the world and society, it's just a status to look normal because in his mind it's what your meant to do,but deep down his heart isn't in it.

This one of the most unequal relationships I’ve ever heard of.

He pays all of the bills and you do nearly all of the childcare and chores.
You should be paying 50/50 bills and doing 50/50 parenting, cooking, housework etc.

He’s checked out.
Its probably why he chooses to pay 100% of the bills as it makes him feel less guilty.

You’re only in your 40s and way too young (but getting older) to be living like this.

You are already a single mum and he is already a single man.
Why keep dragging out the unavoidable?

Honestly OP, I wouldn’t even try and salvage this. I would just be done.

I wonder if its a trade off in his head? "I pay for everything and that means I can do whatever I want and you have to pick up all the slack." Its the perfect excuse for him to do whatever he wants.

OP you need to sit down together and get this sorted. If you want to stay together he needs to be home more, help out more and you even out your outgoings. If not, you need to sort out your own finances to leave.

I know some couples who also work very hard and long hours. Every so often (monthly or bi-monthly) go away altogether as a family for a weekend (say Friday night to Sunday evening), fully inclusive for meals, sometimes entertainment included. Also could you have a cleaner weekly or fortnightly, have quality meals bought in. Hopefully you can find different ways to encourage him to engage with you and DC.

A secure home for your children is more than just a large house with all modcons. It’s both parents having time for them, it’s about relationships not material things and naice holidays. Your quality of material life may not be as good on one wage but your kids would feel more secure without the atmosphere between you both.

he says divorce me, you say ok let’s discuss it or you’ll hear from my solicitor. You’re being a pushover and he know (or thinks) you won’t actually leave. You don’t need this man or his money. You want the luxuries but what are you willing to sacrifice for them? This isn’t about the kids security, this is about you.

Well your children may have a secure home, but they are also getting an absent father, a model of an incredibly dysfunctional relationship with shit communication, and seeing the woman / mother do all the grunt work round the house despite working full time.

Yes a roof over your head is important but so are those other things, very much. The dysfunction will impact their choices and actions throughout their lives with potential to ripple down the generations.

I feel sorry for him. He wants to be the provider....

but I am sorry because he is misunderstood
I live with a man who is often home and does tons of housework but he would never dare not to be the provider. This is his understanding of what a man should be and I am forever grateful for having met the perfect man

Workaholic. My exh was like this - chef. Any work was first.
Kids last. In fact, he won't ever change. Some mens identity is their job, full stop.

I left him, BTW life so much easier.

Think carefully. You have another 25 years of this, potentially

Sooooo kinda been in a similar situation as in my husband is the poorest communicator on the planet as in it’s either he can offload his woes, upsets on me but then when I need to chat to him just completely shuts down either stays quiet or then turns it around on to how he feels about what’s made me unhappy. Now on the face of it it sounds a little emotionally abusive but when I actually thought about it and unfortunately got to know his mum better, I realised he just hadn’t learnt how to communicate in his teen years and he fears confrontation yet strangely has no problem starting a confrontation but then he only can handle it one sided and unfortunately that’s not how a marriage works. The earlier years were tough I cried many times to my bestie often thought maybe the love I have for him wasn’t enough. But then I came up with a plan almost chip away at breaking down those stone walls. I wanted date nights and quality time. So instead of waiting i just booked date nights made it regular. And now guess what it’s him arranging them and surprising me with them (granted always when I’ve been on a 14hr shift and at work the following morning early and I just want my bed). But he is learning. As for the talking it’s still tough, he can only cope with small amounts at a time as to not overwhelm him but again he is learning and is much better. If you love him as much as you say you do you can make it work just takes hard work and sometimes different tactics

hope that makes sense haven’t read back and just juggling making tea 😂xxx

The thing is - you decided to wfh so that you did not have to pay for childcare

Your husband does not need to worry about childcare fees because he covers everything else - if you are finding the childcare hard surely you should hire some support

Likewise you don’t say how much he pays towards the bills compared to what he earns.

It is like you want him to work less, to take over the childcare while you WFH, when in reality he probably feels it was your choice to not use childcare and he contributes fairly.

Plenty men wouldn’t want to reduce their hours to look after their kids (I’m not saying that’s right but it’s not a divorce reason)

So does he have thousands of pounds in savings? Since he spends nothing on himself