Husband keeps working

[Hfox]

Both DH and I work full-time. He pays the mortgage and almost all of the bills, while I work from home and take care of around 90% of the childcare. I don’t even put the kids in after-school clubs because they can be home while I work.
DH usually gets home quite late, around 10–11 PM — either because he’s working extra hours or spending time on his hobby. He has two days off during the week, and I’ve repeatedly asked him to let me work undisturbed on those days since I already take so many breaks to manage the kids on the other three.
He doesn’t expect me to contribute equally financially, and I do help where needed. I actually earn more than him, so I cover larger expenses like mortgage overpayments, buying a second property, and paying for holidays which are things that benefit both of us.
The issue is that he keeps taking on extra work even on his days off. It feels like the day-to-day responsibilities fall entirely on me, and we rarely spend any quality time together. I’ve even thought about offering him more financial help so he wouldn’t feel the need to work extra, but I know he’ll continue doing it anyway so it feels pointless.
We’re financially comfortable, and he doesn’t spend money on himself or any vices , it all goes toward the family. But I’d much rather he spent some of that time with us instead. I’m honestly at my wits’ end because I don’t see how things will improve.
I’ve even thought about leaving, but I know our lifestyle would change drastically if I did. He works incredibly hard, and while I admire that, I don’t see why we both have to keep pushing ourselves so much at this stage in life. We’re both 40 now, and I just wish we could slow down and actually enjoy the life we’ve worked so hard to build.
The above makes him look good but he's got horrible communication skills and never tells me what he's planning when such as booking work etc. Can someone please advise what I can do here?

So basically you want him to do childcare so you can continue to keep your large salary! And he doesn’t want to say that to you…….

Did you both talk about how you wanted family life to be and what roles you would both take? With him paying all the bills and working whenever he can it sounds like he values a father working outside the home and mother looking after the home and the childcare. You've reinforced this by not working outside the home, doing all the childcare and accepting him paying all the bills.
If this isn't the set up you want then I'd suggest a job that isn't working at home and paying for childcare and cleaners.

The stonewalling is abusive op. As is the temporary improvement to reel you in, followed by relapse into a status quo he knows makes you unhappy.

Definitely buy in help to protect your own physical and mental health, and tell him why. Tell him how disregarded and disrespected you feel.

Im sorry to hear you say you 'love him so much' though. I am wondering what he is doing on the daily to be lovable. Are you sure it's not just a memory/dream you love so much?

Edited for typos

I have no other husband and kids so my 'large salary' eventually goes back into the family aka mortgage over payments, investments, holidays, kids activities, large purchases for the house etc.
I just want him to do the childcare on his 'days off' which are 2 days between Mon - Fri.

But if i were to divorce, then i would def not be able to provide kids with quality time as i would be worried about paying the mortage bills all alone. Therefore its not as easy.

She wants him to do ‘childcare’ because he is a parent and that’s what parents are supposed to do.

He should want to spend time with his kids.

But you said he covers all of the bills and his salary is lower than yours, so you’d easily be able to afford the bills.

You also have a second home and over pay the current mortgage so could probably afford a property outright or at least be able to afford your current one.

Money appears to be your main motivation in keeping the marriage going. If you dont want to divorce, he doesnt want to change, then you sit it out and carry on. Harden your heart.

Does he hold the view that the man should be the breadwinner? Is he putting in the extra hours to try to out-earn you? Does he feel diminished by you earning more than him? Is he trying to show you, you can rely on him and give up work?

Both of you seem more determined to earn money than to care for your dcs.

Exactly. This is reminding me a little of that thread where the DH was making the OP choose between her and her nearly-adult kids. Just wants to live the pre-kids life for 6 days out of 7.

Get a cleaner for gods sake.

Rinse and repeat. Preferably abroad

This is easy, you need to pay for extra help in the home. stop martyring yourself and blaming him. you have all this extra money because he is working lots and you’re working AND doing excessive childcare. everyone else would have put some of this money towards childcare but you’ve tried to cut corners and now you’re understandably burnt out. he wants to have a family and life. You want both of you to be giving it 100% all the time. Try it his way - outsource some childcare and get a hobby. it might all work out!

I agree.

It makes me sad because them separating is inevitable but right now they’re just wasting their lives by not admitting it to themselves.

I have some friends who were together 20 years, but the relationship broke down when the kids were young.

The husband was stuck responding to his wife as though she was still in her early twenties (he had always been older and earned more) and unable or unwilling to adapt to her being a financially independent and successful woman. He also did very little with the kids

Sounds like something similar might be going on for you.

You approach to family finances is insane.

Pay jointly into a joint account and cover the family finances from there...

You are leading him to believe that he must work to keep the family housed and fed while you fund a second property.

The fact that you have 'saved the family thousands in childcare is not respected by your husband.

Make it clear that you pay your way and you do your share of childcare.. then leave the rest to him.

If you out earn him and he pays all of the family expenses, you can easily afford things without him and he can afford life without you.

Find a way to become life partners or don't... you are not in this together!!

Can’t you hire a cleaner a couple of days a week?

Maybe I’m projecting here, but it sounds like he’s bringing his parent’s way of managing their marriage into yours.
Discussing this sounds alien to him, so he hides and then goes straight for the nuclear option of ‘divorce me if you don’t like it’
So, I think your options are:
*Buy in help with cleaning, ironing/laundry, meals (e.g. Cook ready meals) and childcare that you feel comfortable with, preferably from joint spending.
*Find a therapist for both of you, or at the bare minimum, one for you, where you can explore how to navigate this and work out how to use your voice.

@Hfox He doesn’t expect me to contribute equally financially, and I do help where needed. I actually earn more than him, so I cover larger expenses like mortgage overpayments, buying a second property, and paying for holidays which are things that benefit both of us.

If you earn more, then you should be contributing more financially, and you should also be buying gifts for your partner.

So why on earth are you billing this as you not contributing equally financially?

Contributing financially means how much you’re putting into the general pot not who pays more utilities vs holidays.

You need to go back to factory settings and start again.

You are contributing more to the family pot than he is, and he seems to have befuddled your head on this (maybe male pride at needing to be the higher earner he’s somehow spun it that you’re contributing less while outearning him).

You have your personal accounts and then a joint account which you both pay equal amounts into for all family expenses including utilities, mortgage, holidays, childcare the lot. So that is all split equally down the middle.

At the same time he needs to understand that you’re carrying him at home wrt domestic work and childcare and that he needs to step up.

From what you say his reaction will be to stonewall. So you say gently but firmly that he needs to learn to communicate, negotiate, compromise otherwise the relationship might not survive.

Absolutely. But shop around and find someone you think is good don’t just stick with the first one if you think they’re not great.

Agree with this. Sounds like there are plenty of potential solutions eg proper childcare, cleaner, nanny, housekeeper, gardener or whatever suits

And why is he STILL shouldering responsibility for mortgage and bills when you now earn more than him?

You only get one life op. His main aim is financial. You are both missing out on quality family time with the routine as it is. He needs to learn to compromise. You need help or to go part time. Or leave and carry on as this won’t make much difference to your life as it sounds like you are doing it all anyway. It sounds so bizarre that he gets home so late due to a hobby. Why is he avoiding family life?

I mean, your husband is being an arse OP but do you not think you’d have better quality time with your children (and not be so burned out) if you put them in appropriate childcare?

Surely you’d be able to work more efficiently if you could concentrate properly - I always think this about mums who end up working from home and doing all childcare at the same time, it feels a bit like it devalues both jobs at once.

You do seem very money oriented, with the bigger house, second property and mortgage overpayments - is there a particular reason for this? I only ask because my late FIL was quite hard up in childhood and was obsessed with financial security in his later years. They were EXTREMELY well off but it never felt enough for him.

How he is getting blamed is beyond me

Op needs childcare, and he doesn’t want to spend his days off being the sole carer whilst op does her work

Her solution is hardly going to make them spend more time as a family if all she wants is him to watch the kids so she can work in peace