Husband keeps working

[Hfox]

Both DH and I work full-time. He pays the mortgage and almost all of the bills, while I work from home and take care of around 90% of the childcare. I don’t even put the kids in after-school clubs because they can be home while I work.
DH usually gets home quite late, around 10–11 PM — either because he’s working extra hours or spending time on his hobby. He has two days off during the week, and I’ve repeatedly asked him to let me work undisturbed on those days since I already take so many breaks to manage the kids on the other three.
He doesn’t expect me to contribute equally financially, and I do help where needed. I actually earn more than him, so I cover larger expenses like mortgage overpayments, buying a second property, and paying for holidays which are things that benefit both of us.
The issue is that he keeps taking on extra work even on his days off. It feels like the day-to-day responsibilities fall entirely on me, and we rarely spend any quality time together. I’ve even thought about offering him more financial help so he wouldn’t feel the need to work extra, but I know he’ll continue doing it anyway so it feels pointless.
We’re financially comfortable, and he doesn’t spend money on himself or any vices , it all goes toward the family. But I’d much rather he spent some of that time with us instead. I’m honestly at my wits’ end because I don’t see how things will improve.
I’ve even thought about leaving, but I know our lifestyle would change drastically if I did. He works incredibly hard, and while I admire that, I don’t see why we both have to keep pushing ourselves so much at this stage in life. We’re both 40 now, and I just wish we could slow down and actually enjoy the life we’ve worked so hard to build.
The above makes him look good but he's got horrible communication skills and never tells me what he's planning when such as booking work etc. Can someone please advise what I can do here?

It absolutely IS a divorce reason if a person feels it is a divorce reason. If my DH didn't want to spend time with his kids then I would divorce him. Because that would make him a shit person.

Personally, I’m all for big houses as they’re much more comfortable to live in, but I would prioritise childcare and cleaning over a second home, which is ultimately just more work.

Surely the 2 weekdays when he is off are now days you go work elsewhere and leave him a list of housework to do too.

Too many women find themselves trapped in the childcare and domestic work pattern they did on maternity leave or when the kids are small when they go back to work FT. That they knew it was temporary but their partner turns out to think is his entitlement.

I’d tell him that you should have tackled it then but as you didn’t he needs to understand that the entire setup needs to change.

He's not going to change any time soon. You know this because you just did the experiment and he lapsed back pretty quickly. If you want to stay in the marriage then you need to take care of yourself. As others have said, pay for childcare (consider hiring an in-house nanny for the two days you need to work who can drive your children to activities) and a cleaner. Subscribe to a meal service. If he doesn't like it, he agrees to cover those two days in full every week.

Given you are financially secure why on earth wouldnt you pay for a cleaner and a bit of childcare? Even a student who can come and hang out with them after school for an hour or two.

Then use some more of your cash to get yourselves to some decent relationship counselling.

Is he working hard to get overtime /a promotion/keep a business afloat ? Lots of people work hard because they see it as caring for their family.

I worked late into the night (after kids bedtime) for years because I wanted to improve our lot.

Problems in marriages are usually systemic
as is the case here - neither party is perfect and both of their actions are responsible for contributing to the current situation

It sounds like the partnership has just fundamentally broken down and his unwillingness to deal with it isn't ok.

But I do think it's worth reflecting on this 'all I want'. You don't want to pay for childcare and see it as the logical solution for him to spend his non-work days solo parenting while you do the same on days he works. This sort of shift-coverage parenting without any shared non-work days isn't far off just co-parenting in the same household, especially when it's a deliberate choice rather than being necessary to make ends meet. Neither of you really seem to be prioritizing time together and as a family.

I don’t even put the kids in after-school clubs because they can be home while I work

Are you saying that you work 5 days and week and look after 3 children from presumably 3pm-ish onwards?

I have 3 DC and this would probably get me sacked so you must have a very understanding employer.

Maybe you need to start utilising these aftershool clubs?

Yes he absolutely needs to look after the children on his weekday days off but I'm still astounded that you are managing without any formal childcare in place!

Absolutely the same..grew up always witnessing parents not being able to pay the bills and I was determined never to have this issue in life. You’d be surprised how much financial problems stresses out the kids! I was aware of all issues with parents going in debt etc.

He only wants the commitment of a family on a (very) part time basis, by the sounds of things. And are you sure he’s actually working?

Yep! That’s exactly what I do. I am 39 so at a stage in my career where I can decide when to have meetings etc so I take a break from 2:30-3:30 while I pick kids from pre school and school.
if I were to utilise all afterschool care, I would just get 1 extra hour for youngest and 1.5 for older so all in all, 1.5 extra hours which I figure isn’t that great of a help anyway.
however reading this thread, I’m convinced that I should get a cleaner.

And a childminder by the sound of it.

I'm sure your employers would be thrilled that you're looking after your children while you're meant to be doing your job.

Just because you WFH doesn't mean you have to juggle everything. It's still a full time job. You're trying to do it all and burning out, get a cleaner and a childminder, by the sounds of it that's well affordable for you. Scrimping and cutting corners by doing it all yourself is making you miserable and negatively affecting your marriage and by the sounds of it, it is not necessary.

I've not given employers a reason to complain so far but yet I definitely need a cleaner-

It seems madness to both be working full time to pay for things like second homes.

I wanted my DH to reduce his hours but he was determined to keep climbing the ladder. I reduced my hours so I’m part time because everything in the home fell to me. It just did. I couldn’t “make” him do more. I also didn’t want to divorce for various reasons so now I have much nicer hours. I’m no longer exhausted and resentful. I chose my children and my health over money and career and I’m much happier.

He is working to avoid doing any grunt work at home. I’ve heard of it. He knows you will do it instead.

For me this would be ultimatum time. Although to be honest I wouldn’t bother I would just leave him.

And then do the grunt work AND pay mortgage and bills. The cost of living is astronomical as it is. Single mother with 3 kids won’t be easy

Oh OP this explains a lot about your motivations - it might be worth you exploring in therapy, as much to help you give
yourself a break as much as anything else. Those early experiences of money problems can cause so many scars that get carried through to adulthood xxxxxx

Well no but you’d be free of a lazy freeloader which might be less work.

Bur stay if thats easier for you. But he’s not going to change.

You need to pay for proper childcare covering all your working hours and a cleaner. You are stretched because you are trying to be both housewife/sahm and ambitious career woman at the same time. You can't without outsourcing.

My ExDH was a workaholic who rarely saw me or his DC - it’s why he’s an Ex - our DC are now adults and barely have a relationship with him
Being a lone parent was hard for me financially but fantastic in every other way - I’ve met other men since who actually wanted to spend time with me and my DC

Any chance of an after school childminder? Even someone to collect and drop home makes a big difference.

I always find these posts really sad, he's technically got kids but he hasn't really, and technically he's married but he isn't really. He's missing all the stuff you work hard for.... the whole point is to spend time together, to play with the kids, to tuck them in at night and have dinner with your partner and a glass of wine. I think it's obviously disrespectful to you, because you're handling all the crap stuff. You're also getting the good stuff like actually knowing your own children. He's just a ship in the night, sleeping at the house and then off again. If he's a stone waller (also this is a really bad sign he's totally disengaged) have you tried writing it down for him so he can take it away and think on it. I understand why you want to leave, because you're doing finances plus all family care - what's the point of him really. I'd suggest writing down how you feel, not just "I need support so I can work those 2 days" but more of the "why don't you want to spend time with me, with our children, why don't you want to be a husband, father and partner who is present, supportive, physically here"
You've signed up for a family and he's not part of it, he either needs to join in or.....

You are absolutely right.. I feel heartbroken… the rose tinted glasses have finally come off. I want a partner. I worked so hard to create this life and now it’s come crumbling down. He has no interest in family life. He’s checked out and contributes financially so he doesn’t feel guilty and a respectable part of society being a father who provides.
I want to be able to meet a man who would want to spend time with me.