Kids in care

[Marie299]

My daughter is 9 and does not want to see me I don’t know what reason is but I have been told that it’s due to different reasons. It’s been two years since I’ve proper seen her and she’s on a SGO with grand parents and theys a court order stating my contact with her should be every 6 weeks which has not been happening.

When I have been on the phone to her she’s been asking when she can see me and then a few weeks down the line she does not want to speak to me or see me. Just finding things very strange I have spoken to her grand parent about this and they not really saying much other then my daughter is doing therapy play but how can my bond with her even build when I am not invited to these things either.

I don’t know what to do I’m in the middle on going to court or just waiting it out but it’s been two years and worried that if I do nothing then my bond with her will never be fixed.

need advice

Why was she removed?

Due to me being care and having a bad childhood

That isn't a reason to remove a child. The only reason is because you can't parent them adequately.

That might be the reason you can't parent them adequately, if you haven't had good parenting yourself.

It must be very painful to have your child taken away. But you need to put your child first. Take on board why they needed better parenting. Deal with the issues you have.

I hope you can get the help you need and can rebuild your relationship with your DD. That may include, and may not, coming to live with you.

If soical think it’s in the best interest of the child they will remove and that’s how easy it was they was on my back through out my pregnancy and having my first to having my second they breathed down my knack and was looking for every small fault and even said that my kids as risk of emotional abuse due to me losing my mum to cancer when I was 8 even though I had mental health help so please dont tell me that soical wont remove kids for nothing because they use “the kids best interests” as a weapon and theys loads of reports i have where they’ve lied in court papers and no one’s done nothing about it even though we took it to stage 3 with complaining

My post wasn’t about what happened before hand it’s about the contact issues I have now 7 years on

Parenting is about putting your child's needs first in your life.

Your posts are all about you, not your child

How is it all about me ? I’m simply breaking done with what’s beeen happening and surely not seeing her parent may effect her more I’m not saying all this for my benefit it mostly hers as he could effect her well being plus her grand parents are not doing much to support her

Is it grand parents on father’s side? You don’t mention the other parent. Where are they?

I would imagine the grandparents are doing their best & didn’t plan on parenting again later in life. I’m sure they would prefer to have a grandparent relationship rather than acting as parents.

Yeah my ex mum and dad and not being funny but the grand mother wanted my daughter since day one before o even gave birth so I’m sure she’s having a good life looking after my daughter

If your dd doesn’t want to see you in person then focus on regular indirect contact, letters, postcards or maybe text messages? Then after a while moving to phone calls or face time. Become a consistent and reliable person in her life and a pace and depth that she feels comfortable with.

@Marie299

I have PR but my daughter doesn’t want to see my for some reason but then will ask me when she’s seeing me but then when she don’t talk to me she then goes back to not wanting to see me if that makes sence

You have another thread & it sounds like she is choosing not to see you. There must be a reason for this. I honestly don’t think grandparents would want all that responsibility. You say you have PR so why has she gone to them?

OP, if you have child access that isn't being granted, go back to court and insist on it happening.

But - the things that matter to and for your child

• arrange a time & date, and stick to them. Don't be late.
• arrive sober, calm and not under the influence of anything
• be clean, tidy & polite.
• do not get into a spat with the grandparents, no matter how tempting
• if it is at a contact centre, fine, no problem
• focus on giving your child a good time - it's not about you.
• take a small gift - a photo or pretty hair clips etc
• don't put pressure on your child - keep it light.
• Make it a regular thing or don't do it at all

I will try and do some letters for her every now and then but I have done this in the pasted

My daughter went to live with them when my son which isn’t related to the grand parents went in to care due to my supervision when I was 18

A woman I used to work with was in care as a child and had a bad childhood. She made a good life for herself with a nice man and children. You do not get your children taken from you because of being in care and having a bad childhood. You get your children taken from you if you don’t/cant look after them properly and don’t prioritise them. SM is full of parents claiming their kids were taken for no reason or lying about the reasons.

Until you are truthful with yourself about the reasons your child was taken from you, you won’t work on those reasons and won’t see your child.

@Meadowfinchi always arrive on time and I am always polite and dressed tidy and I don’t smoke or drink as I don’t agree with it and I’ve seen her over the phone and she said she misses me and loves me and I say those things back and we chat about her school and what she’s being doing and it goes really well but then the minute she’s off the phone she says she doesn’t wanna see me

@LookAtMeWithStarryEyesi am telling the truth why would I lie don’t seem like I would achieve what I’m looking for here. And you wouldn’t know why my kids aren’t with me as your not involved and haven’t seen the court bundles of anything soical services lie and twist things which we have prove off like I said all they need to say is the best interest of a child and that’s it it’s so easy for children to be taken over small things and over being in care my self. They use so much against people that have had a bad childhood maybe not everyone but you get families torn apart due to lies being said words being twisted

So, if you are a good parent, why was your DD removed from your care?

I am sorry, but that is relevant, because you need to face up tomit in order to be a better parent.

Your DD may feel the need to.please you on the phone and so say what you want her to. And then tell the truth to the people caring for her.

Can you afford therapy? Or is there anything to access through social services? You might be able to uncover a bit more about why she was taken and how to work on those things as well as how to heal yourself from your hard childhood. If you are on track then you can work on building the relationship again and hopefully she’ll agree to meet. Would changing the meeting place to a contact centre help? More support and neutral for everyone.

Keep going with the face time sessions then, since she obviously enjoys it. Suggest going for a special xmas pizza or something like that. Allow her to get used to the idea of a meeting at some point in the future. Don't insist, just say how lovely it would be to have a special xmas meal.

Keep it calm, welcoming, happy and cheerful. She will eventually come round. Good luck.

@Baitallike I said due to my supervision when I was younger and I had no support from my family my support network was crap and I was in care myself and I know where I’ve gone wrong when I was younger but iam 27 now and I’ve changed in to a better person with a loving partner a lovely home and I have matured in ways I couldn’t back then trust me I have lived with this since 2018 and worked on myself through Couniling and working closely with proper professionals so please don’t comment like I’m this parent that doesn’t see the problem why my kids aren’t with me imagine being so young with no family and having this baby to look after and social having social breathing down my neck day in and day out and commenting on small mistakes as all parents do anyway

So it’s grandparents on the father’s side? Just that I was thinking until you mentioned your mothers passing, how could your parents have got her if childhood was bad etc.

Are you one of those people that talk about social services taking children away to fulfil quotas?

No, children do not get taken from loving parents who prioritise them, regardless of their background. The bar for taking children is actually very high and many children are left with what most of us would see as unfit parents. Until you are honest with yourself, are willing to change the issues that existed as to why your child was taken, you won’t have a proper relationship with your child.

@Dliplopinhave done loads of therapy about my childhood trauma and I am in a better place with it all now it just mainly my daughter that seems to be not wanting contact and it’s just finding a way to deal with that as I don’t wanna do nothing and then I lose her proper or try and find a way to see her social are not the problem here it’s mainly my daughters feelings which every contact I’ve ever had with her has been so positive for her and no concerns have been raised. I am not looking to get her back in my care I wouldn’t do that to her as she settled it’s just more contact as I don’t want her to feel like I’ve forgotten her just because she doesn’t wanna see me if you know what I mean

@Redruby2020yes my daughters dad side has her