Kids in care

[Marie299]

My daughter is 9 and does not want to see me I don’t know what reason is but I have been told that it’s due to different reasons. It’s been two years since I’ve proper seen her and she’s on a SGO with grand parents and theys a court order stating my contact with her should be every 6 weeks which has not been happening.

When I have been on the phone to her she’s been asking when she can see me and then a few weeks down the line she does not want to speak to me or see me. Just finding things very strange I have spoken to her grand parent about this and they not really saying much other then my daughter is doing therapy play but how can my bond with her even build when I am not invited to these things either.

I don’t know what to do I’m in the middle on going to court or just waiting it out but it’s been two years and worried that if I do nothing then my bond with her will never be fixed.

need advice

Is your son with his sister with the same guardians?

@Mollypollyholly thank you for the comment and the understanding. Being in care while having a baby is like 10x harder then just having a baby without social being involved they put unnecessary pressure on new young mums for no reason they made my juggle so much to where I fell apart and was exhausted I know where I went wrong with my kids but I ain’t the person I were x

@Whatsthatsheila yes

social services are harder on parents who have been in care themselves. I hope you have more regular contact in the near future. Never give up and go back to court if need be. The system is very daunting. You seem to be doing well keeping positive polite tidy and non confrontational. Brighter days ahead for you

You’ve posted on a forum. Anyone can reply, even those telling you truths that you don’t want to face up to.

I said she’ll be having complex feelings that she doesn’t understand, that she may be trying to please you on the phone by saying she wants to see you, and these things may account for her saying she wants to see you one minute and not the next. She has been through a lot. Just because she won’t remember when she was aged 2, doesn’t mean that she won’t have complex emotions and trauma from being removed, not living either her mother, living with GPs and being in a complex situation. She won’t understand it all but she will have feelings around it all, that she needs help with. Your are minimising what she has been through by saying she won’t remember. As I suggested, read up on the trauma being removed from a parent causes. It happens even to babies. Never underestimate it.

Go back to social services and insist on contact. They will speak to your daughter and find out why she doesn’t want to see you. You mention a son. Where is he?
How has your life changed? Do you work?

@zebrastripesarefunthank you

This. ⬆️

I agree that the likelihood is that your child is trying to please you by saying she wants to see you on the phone. The reality of that may be too much to cope with for a 9 year old who obviously has issues from what has happened in her life, that she needs therapy for. You need to give your child time.

@Itdoesntmatteranywaydont think soical can do anything as she’s on an SGO and will the judge speak with her ? And my son is living with my daughter at her grand parents house. And my life has changed in ways I never thought would I have a steady income a job and a loving home that’s clean tidy and welcoming where my children has come in the past

They are not harder on us as much as they are aware we are at a disadvantage.

We haven’t had the stability and examples needed necessarily to be efficient parents.

I’m also an adoptive parent. Anyone involved Social Services is under scrutiny because we are dealing with vulnerable children.

You seem more focused on what everyone else did wrong and then glossing over your issues by saying you’ve changed.

Your daughter has experienced trauma. Her relationship with you will be complicated.

Do you have any other children? Does your partner?

@Marie299
OP, I can hear how upset you are.
I am sorry you are going through this, and I believe you.
But mumsnet is not the place for you to be.
This forum is not full of kind, understanding mums. It is full of women and men who love nothing more than a pile on, who love attacking people, and who live in a middle class bubble with seemingly no awareness whatsoever of what goes on in the real world.
Please leave this thread because I can see you are traumatised by what is happening with your daughter, and you are going to get loads more hostile replies from people who don't understand your situation.
I used to work in social services, and I know 100% that children are removed from parents for the tiniest little thing if the parent was in care as a child. Their children are removed for things that other parents would 100% never get their children removed for. I know this happens. I've seen this happen. It's distressing and I believe you.
Go to the groups that @PyongyangKipperbang has very kindly and helpfully given you.
Come off of mumsnet. There have been a lot of threads recently about what a horrible place mumsnet is, and how toxic people are here.

This is not entirely true. They can take children for risk if emotional harm. My DS is for easier terms adopted ( by me ) but does have a relationship with his mum.

she is not allowed unsupervised contact etc never has been since he was removed before leaving the hospital and placed with his dad due to mums mental health. She has never don’t anything to him but even 3 years later when it went through court again it was deemed she could not prioritise his needs and the risk of emotional harm was high.

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9 I am not focused at all on what others have done wrong i was just saying that support was shit from soical end of and I have changed and it is something I remind myself as the passive had and the things have changed have been a great deal to my healing and coping. And the whole situation is about getting that support to get contact where it needs to be for my daughter not what I did when I was a teen!

She doesn't need to know exactly where you went wrong, the fact she doesn't remember details doesn't matter. She knows that whatever you were like resulted in her being removed from your care. That's traumatising in itself.

@GlassesAreOrdinary where can o find this group is it on Facebook and to be honest I can do with proper support

You are blaming social services because having 2 babies left you exhausted? Having 2 babies IS exhausting. Every parent with small kids is exhausted and juggling and while I imagine social services involvement doesn't help it's not the main problem. Where did YOU go wrong? What events led to their removal? You don't need to ekk us but THAT is what you need to reflect on not on blaming social services.

Take the grandparents to court if you think they are witholdibg her against HER best interests not yours. How old is your son? Who has him?

It’s great that you are doing better, that you have healed and are coping, but your daughter is still dealing with the consequences of how you were back then. You don’t seem to be understanding that part and you are dismissing the fact that she will have trauma. Your daughter doesn’t feel ready to see you and I think you have to accept that. It’s less about you and more about her. Continue with the phone calls and if she’s ready to see you, she will see you.

The websites were posted on the last page.

If you go on Facebook all you will find is a load of parents claiming their children have been removed without a valid reason. I know a couple of people on them and the reasons their children were removed were valid. Those people are not who you need support from. You need to separate yourself from them if what you are saying is true as those on Facebook aren’t like you say you are ime. You weren’t capable of looking after your children back then, but now things are different. Show people that, don’t get dragged into a Facebook group full of liars who won’t accept any blame, whinge about social services and haven’t put the work in like you say you have.

You are implying that you believe her grandparents are poisoning her against you and that really she does want to see you and is being stopped.

What people are trying to point out is that it might be a different story. She might genuinely be struggling to make sense of her feelings about you. It’s a delicate age and she is having therapy which will be bringing things up. It’s common for a child to want to please their parent and say one thing to their face and then act a different way afterwards. Children in care often display signs of distress like bed wetting or nightmares even after contact that has gone well. It’s just a lot for them to deal with.

The fact that throughout this thread you want to minimise what happened for her to be taken into care and not think about it is a problem for your daughter because you are minimising her own life experiences. You say she won’t remember but she is living with the consequences now. She knows she doesn’t live with her mum like other children at school do and she has to have an explanation of that. She will have been told that you love her but couldn’t look after her or similar. If you tell her that it was all a mistake and the fault of evil social services that will mess her up.

You would be best to try to make every contact positive for her even if it’s just phone. Write to her and send her presents. Don’t put pressure on her to see you just give her space to make up her mind. Even if it is as you suspect and her grandparents don’t want her to come (do they also have your son? Why would they let one come and not the other?) just try to imagine how hard it is for her to be pulled in two directions like that and how she has to side with the people who care for her day to day. If you go to court surely it will be bad for her and she will suffer.

One day she will be able to choose for herself so your best bet is to stay in contact as much as you can, respect her wishes and don’t pressure her and just give her no reason to reject you but be a positive and that will maximise your chances that ultimately she will have a good relationship with you.

If GPs now have an SGO then social services will have closed the case…. They won’t get involved around contact…..if contact is court ordered and the OP thinks the GPs are purposely denying this, then she needs to go back to court

I think your response is a bit uncalled for .The lady has come on here for advise, not to be lectured by unkind people.
I hope she goes to the other face book pages mentioned.I think you are in denial who ever you are thinking even if you have proffesional knowledge ,you can know so much about someone elses life and whats going on for them.
I expect a clever reslonse from you of course.

@Tigercranethank you it’s just hard when I have very little family to talk too and just wanna do right by my daughter but also want her back in my life I never wanted my past to be brought up or anything I’m just trying to move forward with some support

The thing is, even if you have changed and would be a great parent now, your DD has been with her grandparents for years, hasn't she? The best interests of the child may mean considering that she is settled there and it's not in her interests to uproot her home and steady, known life to move her back to you.

If you would like more contact, contact your child's social worker to start, or go through court or mediation with the grandparents. Chances are you may have to build more contact over time.

@windchimeheaven my daughter doesn’t have a SW she’s on a SGO

Try to stay consistent with the contact you are getting - through phone, letter etc. Keep up a positive front with your daughter. Keep trying. When she's an adult it will be very important to her, and to your future relationship with her, that you didn't give up and that you can show that you always cared about her. Good luck x