Kids in care

[Marie299]

My daughter is 9 and does not want to see me I don’t know what reason is but I have been told that it’s due to different reasons. It’s been two years since I’ve proper seen her and she’s on a SGO with grand parents and theys a court order stating my contact with her should be every 6 weeks which has not been happening.

When I have been on the phone to her she’s been asking when she can see me and then a few weeks down the line she does not want to speak to me or see me. Just finding things very strange I have spoken to her grand parent about this and they not really saying much other then my daughter is doing therapy play but how can my bond with her even build when I am not invited to these things either.

I don’t know what to do I’m in the middle on going to court or just waiting it out but it’s been two years and worried that if I do nothing then my bond with her will never be fixed.

need advice

Did social care remove both your son and your daughter at the same time?

@LookAtMeWithStarryEyesi don’t talk about social services like the way you think I do and like I said I have changed and they are no concerns regarding me with my children it was mainly about seeing my daughter social services are not stopping it it’s my daughter who is 9 and like I said supervision was not the best as I was young and didn’t have a clue I was in a and place with my mental health and my own trauma as a kid moving on from all that in had the help and I’m in a better place wow I’m not sitting here for one minute saying I was a angel but more support would of been better instead of just taking kids of people that’s all I was saying I did so much for my kids but my head was not in an right place and the pressure I had was unbelievable I’m not saying this for an excuse I am being honest in every way I can theys no need to lie or saying random crap when I know where I went wrong but help was not given and if it did then I would of over come things sooner for my kids care shouldn’t be a solution every time

@supersonicginandtonicyes

@Marie299 how old were you when you had your children? You say you were in care was it a foster or children's home? Did you have a leaving care worker?

@Marie299
Sweetie you are not going to get the help you want here because frankly a lot of people on MN, and especially this board, are not very kind. They are judgemental and dont understand how the reality of life is for some people.

There are several face book groups that may be more supportive and I would definitely look at asking for help from

pause.org.uk
familylives.org.uk
www.frg.org.uk

Got those from a quick google but you may find them for helpful. I wish you the best.

@supersonicginandtonic I was 16 pregnant 17 when I had her and I was in a foster placement with her and it was so hard being watched 24/7 and being judged while I was just trying to learn things. But all this is mainly about my daughter obviously my head is everywhere with it as I just don’t know what to do with what happened back then has been worked on and is a lot better now but this with my daughter has been going on for 2 years now

@PyongyangKipperbangthank you much appreciated, what are the Facebook groups as I was looking for them but couldn’t find none X

If you’ve been in care then you understand you kids have suffered trauma.

I was also in care. My mom was 15.

I struggle with her even now because she is rather stunted and a permanent teenager.

It’s been two years since you had her and you now have a partner? Was this person around when you had custody?

Is there any history of substance abuse? Are you sober now?

What is your relationship with your son like?

@Marie299 the websites @PyongyangKipperbang has given you are very helpful.
It is very, very hard to adapt to being a parent at such a young age, for anybody. You have been experienced significant childhood trauma and ACEs which will affect people in many different ways. It sounds like you were overwhelmed and struggling to cope which is completely understandable. You sound like you Hace worked hard and addressed some of your issues, that takes time. Do you have any ongoing support for your mental health?

Are there any orders in place around contact with your daughter? Do you see your son?

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9she is 9 and she went into care 7 years ago and the reason was nothing to do with drugs or alcohol I don’t touch none

@supersonicginandtonicthank you for your understanding and I don’t have no help with mental health now as I feel fine and stuff it’s just more of not seeing my daughter which has effect me in one ways and theys an SGO for my daughter and my son is on a care order still since 2018 and my relationship with my son is really good and he loves seeing me but they is a court order where I should see them every 6 weeks which o haven’t really seen my daughter proper for 2 years

I would start with the websites I posted as they have a lot of information that will help you find support.

I wish you well

Do you live nearby? What happens if you show up on your visitation days?

Also how long have you lived with and known your partner?

@Marie299 huge well done for getting to where you are now.
If there is a court order for contact please go back to court. I see it far too many times where SGO carers, especially paternal side, don't stick to contact arrangements. You also don't know if your daughter is being coached by them to say she does not want to see you. I'm obviously not saying this is definitely the case.
I'd continue to try and have video contact or even letter/email contact whilst you take it back to court. Have you sought any legal advice?

You said they took your child purely because you were in care and had a bad childhood and that it’s easy to take children away. None of that is true.

They took your child because you couldn’t look after her. Of course they said it was in the interests of the child, because it was. You talk about them giving you support, but a child can be damaged waiting for their parent to get their act together. The situation would have been carefully assessed and it was obviously deemed that even with a level of support SS can give, you were not able to care well for your child.

Your daughter is having therapy so she obviously has trauma from the past. She’ll have complex feelings which she doesn’t understand that need to be handled very carefully by a therapist. These feelings may be the reason she says she wants to see you one minute and then doesn’t the next. She may be trying to please you on the phone by saying she wants to see you. You can’t expect your daughter to just be ok because you have now sorted yourself out. You need to be patient, follow advice from social services/relevant authorities, listen to your daughter, all whilst showing that you are now reliable, stable and consistent.
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@supersonicginandtonicthank you honestly.

and I’m not gonna lie my daughter dad did say a few years ago in the court that every 6 weeks seeing me was too much and then after that it I didn’t see her. And I see my son every 2 weeks one week on phone and the other in person and apparently the grand parent asks her if she wants to join the phone and she says no but it’s strange because when she is talking to me she seems so relaxed and wanting to chat but then the moment she goes away she doesn’t see me we even picked up some toys what my son wanted and I asked the grand parents what my daughter wanted and she said like clips and hair stuff so we got them her and she said thank you looked like she was really happy with it and since then she’s not been wanting to see me or talk to me

@LookAtMeWithStarryEyesshe’s not having therapy because of her trauma she’s having it because she’s needs help understanding healthy relationships and can have out busts of emotion please don’t comment on things you have no clue about !

@LookAtMeWithStarryEyesand for your own information my daughter would of never know that I didn’t to change certain things in my life as she was too little so the way she is with me now has nothing to do with how I was as a parent when I was a teen with NO support or family !

And why does she need help understanding that? Because of what has happened and the fact she doesn’t live with her mum like most children do. She has the issues she has due to the past trauma and if you can’t see that, you’re in denial. To do you think most 9 year olds are in therapy to learn about healthy relationships?

Good luck you’re going to need it.

Comments are kind of harsh. Social services are genuinely harder on parents who were in care themselves I’ve known a few people who had similar happen to them.
Sorry I haven’t got any good advice but hope things get better for you x

You should do some reading on how being removed from a parent (even as a very young child) impacts a child. The way she is with you now has everything to do with what has happened to her. You really need to understand that.

@supersonicginandtonici have spoken to legal and they’ve said go to court, they’ve seen the old court bundles and orders and the explained everything and they’ve basically said to go court but then i spoke to the social worker just to see if she could do anything and she basically said she didn’t want anything to have an effect on contact with my son which meaning if I go to court the grandparent of my daughter might think it’s against her like last time even though we said it wasn’t against her we just wanted more contact

How is this not due to trauma?

You seem to be minimizing her struggles.

@LookAtMeWithStarryEyesbut you said my daughter wouldn’t want to be around now I’ve changed when I should of change sooner meaning she would of remembered where I went wrong which she didn’t read back on your own messages please ! At the end of the day it’s hard to comment due to not having the full picture of what’s going on with her as I don’t get much Information now please stop replying !