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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I did a childish thing, but it felt good! AIBU?

244 replies

fuckhimintheear · 21/10/2025 20:51

My partner is, on the whole, a great man. He’s loyal, hardworking and an excellent father. But my God, he’s messy! I do all of the housework (I don’t work) and he does the majority of the cooking and running kids around and also working. So I can’t complain about my lot, he’s valuable and he’s lovely.

However, I’m sick to death of cleaning up his beard trimmings, cleaning up his crumbs, cleaning up the fall out when he’s been ‘in charge’ of the kids and there’s shit everywhere for me to fix. I left him alone with our 16 month old for five minutes yesterday and when I came back DP was oblivious whilst the little one was emptying soil from a plant pot and smushing it in to the the carpet and his own hair. This sort of stuff just doesn’t happen on my watch, but it seems to be ‘not a big deal’ when he’s in control.

I work really hard to give us a nice, clean orderly home. He just doesn’t seem to give a shit? He did get a new car last year though, and expressly told us all that under no circumstances would anyone be eating in the car or making any mess.

I lost my shit with the situation and took five kids down Greggs, bought us all a sausage roll and sat on the drive eating them. The car was filthy afterwards.

Am I a dick?

OP posts:
NewbieSM · 22/10/2025 05:46

Wow this is really petty OP. You said he is an amazing partner, works full time supporting all of you, does all the driving around and cooking for the kids. Ok so he’s a bit messy but doesn’t sound malicious at all. Whereas your little stunt was malicious. Be very careful OP you don’t have any leverage here really given you are unmarried and don’t have a job. I suggest you get back to working full time and splitting all household/child tasks equally and see how perfect your performance is then.

DBD1975 · 22/10/2025 06:15

Going against the grain here OP, sorry!
As someone who lives with someone who is extremely messy, untidy and creates a lot of work for me this is how I deal with it.
We have different standards, mine are high his are low (I recognised this before we got together but he had very good talents in other areas, so I wasn't overly bothered at the time)!
In terms of the balance of daily chores and domestic life do I do more, yes but I have higher standards so that is my choice (my DP thinks I am obsessive) so I crack on and do me and live how I want us to live, my choice not his.
Are there annoying habits which drive me up the wall (thinking of beard trimmings) absolutely but I also know those annoying habits are part of my DP and I know if anything were to happen to him those would be part of the things I would miss.
Does my DP drive me up the wall with all the crumbs, additional work, messiness, finger prints everywhere and general untidiness absolutely, do I love the bones of him and thank my lucky stars for him every day, hell yes, because we have a life and a shared history which I cherish.

Before I get roasted just trying to give a different perspective. Life is so short, my advice just try and appreciate what you have whilst you have it and try not to get too upset over stuff which isn't really that important.

At the end of the day count your blessings xx

99bottlesofkombucha · 22/10/2025 06:25

Sara050 · 21/10/2025 21:00

YABU why would you have a plant pot in reach of a toddler?

And why would you purposely make a mess, he might be careless but he's not purposely going out of his way to make a mess. Why not just tell him to go clear up his beard trimmings rather than be so passive aggressive?

The kids weren’t purposely making a mess, they were just eating. Leaving beard trimmings is grosssss.

where are your plant pots?! Mine are all in toddler reach.

99bottlesofkombucha · 22/10/2025 06:26

Middlemarch123 · 21/10/2025 21:42

You are being unreasonable, you should have taken a bottle of ketchup with you! Covered the sausage rolls with it and made sure the kids wiped their hands on the upholstery!

Ah crap I should change my vote, definitely unreasonable to not have had ketchup.
at least you know you can do better next time!!

99bottlesofkombucha · 22/10/2025 06:27

DBD1975 · 22/10/2025 06:15

Going against the grain here OP, sorry!
As someone who lives with someone who is extremely messy, untidy and creates a lot of work for me this is how I deal with it.
We have different standards, mine are high his are low (I recognised this before we got together but he had very good talents in other areas, so I wasn't overly bothered at the time)!
In terms of the balance of daily chores and domestic life do I do more, yes but I have higher standards so that is my choice (my DP thinks I am obsessive) so I crack on and do me and live how I want us to live, my choice not his.
Are there annoying habits which drive me up the wall (thinking of beard trimmings) absolutely but I also know those annoying habits are part of my DP and I know if anything were to happen to him those would be part of the things I would miss.
Does my DP drive me up the wall with all the crumbs, additional work, messiness, finger prints everywhere and general untidiness absolutely, do I love the bones of him and thank my lucky stars for him every day, hell yes, because we have a life and a shared history which I cherish.

Before I get roasted just trying to give a different perspective. Life is so short, my advice just try and appreciate what you have whilst you have it and try not to get too upset over stuff which isn't really that important.

At the end of the day count your blessings xx

What? If my dp died /disappeared, I’d be devastated. But I’d never once think I wish someone would dump random crap on the counter I just tidied 50 things from.

ComfortFoodCafe · 22/10/2025 06:32

😂 I take my hat off to you op, well done.

PithyTaupeWriter · 22/10/2025 06:38

I love this! Sometimes you need to speak their language. It sounds like you asking him nicely has never worked. Maybe now he’ll understand. Tell him to just relax, it’s not a big deal, it’s just a little mess, shouldn’t take long to sort.

MummaMummaMumma · 22/10/2025 06:54

Fair!

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 22/10/2025 06:54

Sara050 · 21/10/2025 21:00

YABU why would you have a plant pot in reach of a toddler?

And why would you purposely make a mess, he might be careless but he's not purposely going out of his way to make a mess. Why not just tell him to go clear up his beard trimmings rather than be so passive aggressive?

She can just as easily pretend not to be aware of the mess as he does. Don’t worry.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 22/10/2025 06:59

Ha! I'm with you OP. You handled it brilliantly.

DrowningInSyrup · 22/10/2025 07:05

He does the majority of the cooking and running the kids about, plus working FT. Yes you are being unreasonable I hope next time he craps in the flower pot first.

Dizzybob · 22/10/2025 07:06

You really need to do it multiple times OP to make it comparable to the house mess 😂

WeeGeeBored · 22/10/2025 07:09

CharlieKirkRIP · 21/10/2025 21:27

When a relationship has sunk to that level of pettiness and involves the children in a nasty act of revenge, it’s time to call it a day.

So immature to have done this when you could have tackled it like an adult and told him that his messiness and not supervising the children properly needs to be addressed.

I really agree with this. I can’t imagine doing something like this. I hope I never do. What will it achieve? If you can’t communicate op, and if he keeps taking advantage of you, just call it a day.

BigOldBlobsy · 22/10/2025 07:11

Love it.
A one off like this isn’t going to harm your children or relationship if it’s generally loving, safe and solid. Ignore some of these PPs. Usually as a child therapist I’m the bleeding heart on these threads but I do think some people learn more with actions than words. You didn’t force the children to make a mess, children just are messy. They will likely have been oblivious.
This isn’t the sort of stuff I see children in clinics for, for those PPs who are saying about children being involved in ‘revenge’. I see kids often from homes where there is low warmth, permissive parenting, abuse, neglect and trauma.
A silly one off isn’t likely to be on any child’s radar for a long time!

SucksToBeYou · 22/10/2025 07:14

Fair point, well made. The punishment fit the crime!

LillyPJ · 22/10/2025 07:15

GlitterFaery · 21/10/2025 21:43

A bit pathetic.

What? That he's that precious about his car but not bothered about helping to keep the house clean?

WeeGeeBored · 22/10/2025 07:20

How Did he react, op? Did he say he’d learned his lesson?

Sunflower2461 · 22/10/2025 07:23

I think the problem is that the relationship is so unevenly split. The OPs husband has to work full time, do the cooking and run the children around whilst the OP just has responsibility for housework. I would think this could cause resentment on both sides. Maybe her husband feels that becuase he does everything else he shouldn't bother to do the things that make her happy.

Mumof2heroes · 22/10/2025 07:26

Blodyneighbour · 21/10/2025 22:02

Buy some food that doesn't crumble.

What??!!

CallItLoneliness · 22/10/2025 07:30

DBD1975 · 22/10/2025 06:15

Going against the grain here OP, sorry!
As someone who lives with someone who is extremely messy, untidy and creates a lot of work for me this is how I deal with it.
We have different standards, mine are high his are low (I recognised this before we got together but he had very good talents in other areas, so I wasn't overly bothered at the time)!
In terms of the balance of daily chores and domestic life do I do more, yes but I have higher standards so that is my choice (my DP thinks I am obsessive) so I crack on and do me and live how I want us to live, my choice not his.
Are there annoying habits which drive me up the wall (thinking of beard trimmings) absolutely but I also know those annoying habits are part of my DP and I know if anything were to happen to him those would be part of the things I would miss.
Does my DP drive me up the wall with all the crumbs, additional work, messiness, finger prints everywhere and general untidiness absolutely, do I love the bones of him and thank my lucky stars for him every day, hell yes, because we have a life and a shared history which I cherish.

Before I get roasted just trying to give a different perspective. Life is so short, my advice just try and appreciate what you have whilst you have it and try not to get too upset over stuff which isn't really that important.

At the end of the day count your blessings xx

I would agree with you if he actually had different standards, but his fussiness about the car shows it's just that he doesn't care enough about what OP wants to tidy up after himself in the house. When it is something he views as "his" he does want it to be nice.

PuppyMonkey · 22/10/2025 07:35

Good one OP, but I’d be worried maybe he’ll take his revenge by not cooking and doing all the running around and stuff that you say he does. Or is he not that immature?

Chiseltip · 22/10/2025 07:37

Screamingabdabz · 21/10/2025 20:56

YANBU. He can’t have one rule for the house and another for the car!

Of course he can.

Houses are meant to be lived in, so they get messy. A car is not a home.

TheCurious0range · 22/10/2025 07:39

😂 revenge sausage rolls

MushMonster · 22/10/2025 07:39

OP, I think that is genious! I think he will get it!
He should be respectful of your work and keep it as clean as he can, particularly the beard trimmings. Mess and cooking/ children is a bit less avoidable, but he can wash up and clean as he goes along.

ThejoyofNC · 22/10/2025 07:41

What you did wasn't childish. It was meant and nasty

There's no excusing it in my eyes.