Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

They are his kids too he should have the same right. Maybe he can give it his job so he can spend time with his kids and she can work full time.

I was a SAHM OP and it was the best thing I ever did.

Most people on here though either couldn't afford it or don't want to be one - so most of the replies will be against the idea and say you're being selfish. It's just the general attitude on here.

The real sticking point though is that you husband is so against it, I don't really know how you get round that.

This! I went back to work after child 1 and haven't yet after number 2 and my husband is openly reluctant for me to go back to work because he knows he'll have to pick up so much more home life 😂 It definitely sounds like you're doing far too much.

MN is very everyone should be 'equal'. Both part-time, both do equal drop offs and pick ups.

That might work in an ideal world but sometimes you just need to look at what works for you.

If you both have long commutes or one is local but the other has a commute then its obvious one will do more pick-ups than the other.

Promotion prospects are reduced with being part-time, so is it worth sacrificing BOTH careers or just the one.

Something nobody tells you, life gets busier when they start school.
Yes theres wrap around care, but theres also homework and the clubs the kids want to do plus the stuff you want them to do (swimming lessons, music lessons, sports, dance, gymnastics whatever). There's a reason parents joke about cars being Mum or Dads Taxi 🚕 and that all eats into your time..

Refuse to do any more than 50% of childcare and household labour. Why should anyone have to work and do it all at home when they have a partner.

He doesn't do his share with the children now, so doubt he wants even more time.
OP, I think you should do the sums, see after costing everything, that you could drop, if you didn't work, what the difference is. Then could you realistically go back on the same wage further down the line? If it's still a no, then decide what he needs to do, so you are less knackered. Are you in peri? The tiredness can get unreal and this is when things can't be equal.

Yes he earned more but only because he had time and space to do so.

He did? DH has worked and he has been a SAHD, it didn't affect my salary.

Is he completely against part time? I think it would be really foolish to lose all financial independence and lose the extra income just because the mortgage is paid. My DH is pretty crap around the house but I don't work full time and don't plan to

They've only had kids for 3.5 years.

And you think you're exhausted now???! 😆

They'll both be in school within 2 years. Just get on with it and stop moaning. At least your hubby has paid off the mortgage for you. You're in a better position than 95% of people in this world.

Joker.

If you work equal hours out of the house then he can work equal hours in it

Gosh some of these comments, it’s like the 1950s came visiting, these years are precious, eh yeah they are all precisious, as is long term financial security for your kids future. They’d benefit from her being at home, she might be a crap parent and they’d be better off with other kids and where they are now.

they are our children for life, not just pre school.. and being a parent is much more than staying home in the early years, the kids future is key.

He has to do 50% of the kids stuff if he won't let you give up work.

Totally not BU and I’m really shocked at his response does he not want a more restful wife? I think you should demand it if I’m honest you’ve already worked harder than he ever will having had the 2 kids already and working up to this point. A lot of people saying YABU are probably projecting

2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery

Of course you're shattered. You're both working full time and have small children, and you're doing the majority of the childcare. Of course your husband doesn't want things to change! You're working AND looking after the children!!

I suppose it would be absolutely unfathomable for people like your husband that there might actually be emotional value (unmeasurable by £s), to their own mother spending more time with them, and looking after her own children throughout the week.

Honestly why do middle class people even want children???

@ChristmasSpirit99

This is going to be controversial but I wanted to highlight this bit of OP's first post:

"We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage."

From this sentence I took it to mean that the DH in this scenario is hardworking, intentional and has potentially bust a gut to get to the level where he is getting rewarded with both a high salary, is able to save and also getting stock rewards. This is no easy feat.

After achieving that he has ploughed his earnings into making them BOTH mortgage free, as opposed to frivolous spending on some silly hobby etc.

IME You don't make those kind of earnings without some major work performance pressure and sacrfice (in my experience - corporate).

I feel like to unilaterally decide to quit because you are tired is really unfair.

It's a huge burden to be the sole breadwinner. Plus you have (presumably joint) plans to renovate the house. We also all know the kids get more expensive as they grow.

I think it's fine to discuss the division of labour in the home as an issue, but to just think of quitting a job completely for tiredness is really extreme.

Tiredness with young children is unfortunately par for the course and I think OP you would be best thinking about what would help you to feel less tired without lumping the burden of providing for the whole household on your DH.

I am not saying this to be horrible but I think that such a change in dynamic would not be good for you (in the long run - you never know what might happen in the future) or for your marriage. Resentment is hard to undo.

I hope you can find a compromise.

Exactly . She’s taking the mick big time. All of us would rather stay at home but unless you win the lottery it’s not happening. Both of them need to work

There is absolutely nothing wrong with one parent stopping work to care for children if BOTH parents agree that one will be the sole earner. The OP’s husband does not agree. So it’s not an option.
time to explore a) outsourcing some household tasks b) fairer decision of labour

Unsure why you’re bringing class into this.

Additionally, time with their mother is unmeasurable, but who’s to say that the husband wouldn’t want downtime too? He’s made them mortgage free so surely he’s a hard worker in his own right.

I would understand OP wanting to have a look at maybe scaling down to PT hours if she’s doing most of the childcare, either that or going 50/50 on home labour - but there’s no actual reason for her to be entitled to stop working altogether.

Plus if they’re older parent she’s had the opportunity to grow her income too in her pre-parenthood days, that’s hardly husband’s responsibility that her wage is so small she feel like it shouldn’t make a dent.

Both of them need to pull their weight with child care and house work too,

The claim that all women would stay at home if they could probably isn’t true but is also rather telling - that some women would is presumably behind the aggression and abuse so many women get here who do some SAHP even just for a period.

You don’t need to win the lottery to make a decision to do that, just a DP on board who supports the benefits and the sacrifices involved.

Wow

@Deebee90

Really? If they've paid off the mortgage, that will be a huge financial weight off both their shoulders.

I suspect a lot of high earners think they HAVE to work full time, when they don't. What they have done is fill their lives with expensive things that are then deemed necessities rather than luxuries.

If the house renovations are the roof needing to be fixed, then yes, that's important, but other works, like building a new conservatory or patio, are not essential. The value of things like that do not outweigh the children's own mother looking after, or spending more time with them instead of having them in nursery so much.

So you are wanting to give up work and have him support you after it's already him that's caused you to be mortgage free? Yeah sounds like freeloading and CF to be honest

The "something wrong" is that it usually leaves the SAHP very vulnerable. They lose time in the workforce, earnings, pension contribution, skills, networking. If divorce, disability, death, economic recession, etc. strike, where does that leave them? For young couples, splitting assets 50/50 in divorce generally lowers standard of living and housing options significantly. So marriage at that stage of life isn't the protection it is when divorce happens at an older age.

Most people it happened to thought "it could never happen to me."

i don't think bringing up his children is freeloading.